A Funny Thing About Love (22 page)

‘Kiss-ass, more like,' Carmen replied. ‘I'm so glad to be out of it, but I have got to get on with writing.'

‘D'you need me to go?' Daniel asked.

That hadn't been her intention. ‘No way! Seeing you is about the nicest thing that's happened all day.'

Maybe that sounded a little too enthusiastic. Pull back.

‘Same here,' Daniel said quietly. ‘You left quite an impression on me.'

Wow! Carmen's heart went pitter-patter-yay! But she couldn't take the compliment, had to make a joke. ‘Was it the Crocs?'

Daniel smiled. ‘Maybe the Crocs played their part. It's like you were so sexy from the feet up and then whenever I looked down I would see the Crocs.'

‘So you like Crocs?' Typical, sexy Daniel was a weirdo Croc fetishist after all. But maybe to have the best sex of her life she would just have to put the cursed Crocs on. That would be a pleasure-pain moment for sure.

Daniel laughed. ‘They're just shoes, aren't they?'

Just shoes!
But Carmen knew that if she launched into a full-scale attack on Crocs it might well be
hammering home just how shallow she was. So with great difficulty she kept quiet.

‘Actually, I don't really like them.' Daniel again.

Oh, sweet relief!

‘But I think you can carry them off.' Daniel treated her to his gorgeous smile. ‘I reckon you could carry anything off.'

Carmen's libido was bouncing around like the Labrador puppy who has just got hold of the Andrex and is whizzing dementedly round the house.

‘I should get them, Violet probably misses them.' She got up and headed for her bedroom where she retrieved the Crocs from the back of her wardrobe. She turned to discover Daniel leaning against the door frame. He was frowning. ‘Sorry, was that comment too full-on? I'm really crap at this man-woman flirting thing. Really much better with plants.'

‘You have sex with plants? How d'you manage that?'

‘I'm not that hard up.'

‘Sorry, I know what you mean.' Carmen looked at him, clutching the Crocs. ‘I'm filling in the awkward moments with throwaway lines; it's what I do best. But I feel the same. A bit rusty.'
At this point I absolutely must not say that I could do with a good oiling
.

‘So,' Daniel continued, ‘I wanted to ask if you could come out for dinner with me sometime, Crocs not compulsory.'

The Andrex puppy performed a triple back somersault. Very agile, that Andrex puppy.

‘I would really like that.'

‘I know this is going to sound presumptuous, but it's only because I think I can get a babysitter – is there any chance of this Saturday night?'

Carmen wondered if she could even wait that long, but she stuck with ‘Lovely.'

After Daniel departed, Crocs in hand, Carmen was buzzing but forced herself to return to her desk and continue writing until six, and then she had a sudden longing to see Sadie and have a debrief.

So it was that Carmen caught the 6.49 to Victoria and met Sadie at a bar just off Regent Street. It was packed but Sadie knew the barman, who was in thrall to her voice, and he had found them a table in the corner. Sadie had just finished a shift at Broadcasting House, which was nearby, and was due to meet Dom in an hour. She was going through one of her why can't I get an acting job phases; or to be more precise, why can't I get a part in
Spooks
, which Sadie adored. ‘I have been going to the gym a lot, I'm definitely getting more muscle definition.' She held up an arm in a strongman pose, which to Carmen looked as slim as ever; there wasn't even a hint of a biceps.

‘Yeah, but sweetie, you're only five foot three and you've got that lovely curly hair. The female agents in
Spooks
are always tall and they have straight hair. It probably makes them more aerodynamic when they run.'

‘I could do that running to defuse a bomb in twenty seconds, I really could. And look at me, I can poker-face, don't mess with me.' She gave Carmen a steely stare.

Carmen resisted the temptation to laugh. Sadie was wearing an electric-blue dress with a big bow on the front, a bright pink plastic Alice band, turquoise false eyelashes and hot-pink lipstick. Scarily fashion forward, yes. Menacing, don't mess with me, no.

Sadie sighed and looked quite disheartened. A businessman from the nearby table had overheard her talking and as he was leaving paused by their table. ‘Can I just say that I love the voice, I'm a huge fan. I adore the way you say BBC Radio Four – really you're the best, my favourite. I wonder if I could take you for dinner sometime?' He held out his card. ‘Just call me if you fancy it.' He looked hopefully at Sadie. He was in his early forties and had a pleasant enough face, with greying black hair.

‘Sorry,' Sadie put extra velvet in her voice, ‘but I have a boyfriend.'

Carmen took the card and read the name, ‘But I'm sure Charles has somewhere lovely in mind. Somewhere like the Ivy?'

Charles nodded enthusiastically. ‘The Ivy or Marcus Wareing at the Berkeley.'

‘And remind me where Dom took you last?' Carmen raised an eyebrow at Sadie, who kicked her with her fashion-fast-forward pointy electric-blue shoe but took the card anyway.

Once Charles had left, Sadie turned on Carmen, ‘Why did you do that? I don't fancy him, I've got Dom!'

‘I just thought it might be useful ammunition, i.e. when Dom next offers to take you for dinner you could
point out the other offers you've had, force him to raise his game.'

‘As it was KFC last time, him raising his game will mean Pizza Hut.' But Sadie was smiling. ‘I know you find it hard to believe, but I do really like Dom, he makes me laugh.'

Ah, and if only it was with him and not at him, Carmen thought. But at least the businessman interlude had put Sadie in better humour and now she was ready to hear all about Carmen's encounter with Daniel.

‘Well, he's sounds very interested,' Sadie pronounced when Carmen had finished her description. She paused and said cheekily, ‘So someone's getting lucky on Saturday night.'

Carmen groaned. ‘It's been nearly a year! Do you think I will have lost my mojo and just lie there rigidly like a Victorian heroine in a white neck-to-ankle nightie?'

Sadie showed off her dimple as she grinned and said, ‘Something will be rigid but it won't be you! And anyway, it's like riding a bicycle.'

Wrong analogy. ‘Don't you remember the last time I went mountain biking I fell off and twisted my ankle?'

‘Okay, forget about the bikes.' Sadie switched to a ludicrous French accent, ‘Just remember,
ma chérie
, what Jess told you, Daniel is a really
très bon
lover, a skilful, practised lover who will want to make
lurve
to you all night and will know how to bring you to the most fantastic climax with his beautiful hands and his beautiful mouth and his beautiful tongue and his exquisite member.'

They were still giggling when Dom joined them.
‘What's so funny?' he asked. Dom only ever wanted people to be laughing at what he said.

‘Just about a certain gardener Carmen is going to test drive on Saturday night.'

There was a slight pause where Carmen could see that Dom was trying to come up with a witty reply. ‘Is he going to use his tool in your lady garden then?' He beamed at the two women, who groaned in unison.

After that, conversation revolved around Dom giving them a blow-by-blow account of what gigs he had lined up. At one point he noticed the card Charles had left. ‘Just someone who wants to take me out to dinner, apparently they love my voice,' Sadie told him. Dom looked uneasy. ‘
I
love your voice,
I
want to take you out for dinner. In fact, I was going to suggest the Indian round the corner.'

‘The eat-as-much-as-you-like for £8.99 buffet?' Carmen enquired sweetly. ‘I think Charles had the Ivy in mind.'

But compared to KFC the eat-as-much-as-you-can Indian buffet probably did seem like a huge improvement. Carmen left Sadie gazing lovingly at Dom, having turned down the offer to stay the night at Sadie's studio flat. She didn't think she was up to hearing Sadie perform the shipping forecast for Dom.

On the train back to Brighton she received a text message from Daniel: ‘i have a babysitter for Saturday and booked a table for half eight. Can't wait to see you x.' A message which put a smile on her face all the way back home.

For the rest of the week Carmen alternated writing with emailing Marcus and Sadie and going on Face-book, as that was the only way she could contact Matthew, who had become a convert. She really might have to step away from the technology, it was just another method of procrastination. When she wasn't doing that she was daydreaming about Daniel, a hottie and a goodie, she had decided – sexy and green. So she could have great sex and save the planet – yee-hi! Well, maybe not. At this rate the heat generated by her lustful thoughts would significantly add to global warming.

She had tried to meet up with Jess but Jess claimed to be flat out at work with end-of-term assessments and couldn't meet her, and even seemed in a rush to get off the phone. Carmen couldn't help feeling that her friend was avoiding her.

In spite of all the interludes, Carmen was making progress on her drama at last, and hopefully by Christmas she would be halfway through. She received a boost from Marcus when he told her he loved the first three episodes that she'd sent him. She didn't think he was just saying that to be nice. Marcus never said things just to be nice,
not even to his closest friends. It inspired her to press on. Hopefully, by March she would have finished. Then she would really have to think about how to support herself, but for now, she wouldn't – at certain times it was best to channel the ostrich in order to preserve one's sanity.

She was to meet Daniel at a multi-award-winning vegetarian restaurant. He had asked Carmen if that would be okay with her as he was a little tired of eating out and ending up with asparagus to start with followed by mushroom risotto, as he was a vegetarian himself. Now, Carmen had dabbled with vegetarianism while at university and it always seemed to her that it was simply code for eating spectacularly badly with vast quantities of carbs and dairy, and Carmen was convinced she'd put on weight. The phase ended when she met Nick, who was a fantastic cook, but not of vegetarian food. He had her at roast chicken, organic, of course. Since then she had always been vegetarian-food-averse – so a romantic meal in a veggie restaurant with the sexy Daniel didn't exactly do it for her. But her reservations went out of the window when she walked into the pleasantly decorated restaurant, not a piece of hessian in sight. Instead it had vibrant burnt orange and maroon walls and felt airy and sophisticated. She sniffed the air cautiously and was relieved not to detect any aroma of nut roast. She was shown to a cosy corner of the restaurant where Daniel was already sitting, a glass of red wine in front of him. He
was like a beacon of loveliness and sexiness, even with the long hair – maybe she
could
grow to love it.

‘Hey,' he stood up and lightly kissed her cheek. ‘You found it okay?'

I didn't
, Carmen thought,
the taxi driver did
. As if she could walk a mile in her killer heels! It had taken every ounce of stamina to make it across the restaurant. But she had a feeling Daniel would not approve of the wanton use of taxis to travel short distances, and the defence of the heels would probably not swing it for her. She might be shod in exquisitely pretty shoes, but that wouldn't make her carbon footprint any smaller. She nodded and, sat down.

A pretty, twenty-something waitress, with a pierced nose and long pink hair, in plaits, dyed hot pink, approached and handed Carmen a menu. She hovered by the table, staring at Daniel. ‘So can I get you guys any olives or bread while you're deciding? Another glass of wine?'

‘We'll get a bottle, shall we?' Daniel asked.

Thank God for that. Carmen was definitely more of a half-bottle-of-wine girl than a glass with her meal.

The waitress whisked off in a swirl of pink plaits, then whisked back with the bottle of wine. She reminded Carmen of a pretty Russian doll, with her perfect pale skin, pink blusher and sweet rosebud mouth.

For a few minutes conversation was on the slightly awkward lines of, How was the rest of your week? How was Millie? How was Jess? How was the writing going? The superficiality was slightly disappointing, as Carmen was sure there had definitely been more than a spark
of attraction between them and on her part at least a strong desire to rip Daniel's clothes off. But maybe it had all been in her head. She looked at the menu, expecting a selection of wholesome stodge, so she was taken aback by what she was reading.

‘What's Smoked Sakuri Soba?' she asked, bemused. It was like stumbling across another language.

Daniel shrugged. ‘No idea, really, but it's all great, I promise, and you won't want to rush home and eat a rare steak or whatever it is you carnivores get off on.'

At this Carmen had the wicked thought that she certainly did fancy a bit of meat inside her later, and hopefully it would be big and juicy, but it wasn't steak.
Oh Carmen, clearly from the Benny Hill school of humour
. She bit her lip to stop herself grinning.

‘I suggest we share the tapas for starters and then you have the pasta, which I've had before and I know it's delicious,' Daniel continued. ‘It's pasta, but not as you know it.' He might be a vegetarian with long hair but she liked the certainty.

The pretty waitress returned and took their order, enthusing about Daniel's choice and once again directing all her attention at him.

‘Wow, that waitress has the hots for you!' Carmen exclaimed when she was out of earshot. ‘I thought she was going to arrange herself on a plate!'