A French Affair (41 page)

‘Is that Yves?' Jessica said, referring to Claude's brother as she and Daniella embraced.

‘If you mean is that him playing the
Gymnopédies
you can hear,' Daniella replied, ‘then the answer is yes, but it is a recording, because, as you can see, the man himself is currently in goal.'

Catching them looking his way, Yves set off a storm of protest as he started towards them, leaving the goal clear for Luc to score.

Greeting Jessica with a twinkle that was very like Claude's, he said, ‘It is a great pleasure to meet you again. The last time must have been at the wedding, not so very long ago, of course, but I must be getting old, because I cannot quite remember when it was.'

Jessica barely had time to respond before Antoine and Elodie came bounding up to her, hotly pursued by Rousseau, the dog.

‘Jessica! Jessica!' Antoine was shouting.
‘Maman dit qu'Harry arrive. C'est vrai?
' Mummy says Harry is coming. Is it true?

‘
Quand est-ce qu'il arrive? Quand est-ce qu'il arrive?
' Elodie pressed excitedly. When's he coming?

‘A week from today,' Jessica answered, touched by how eager they were to see her son.

‘
Est-ce qu'il peut dormir chez nous?
' Antoine wanted to know. ‘
Il peut dormir dans ma chambre
.' Can he sleep here with us? He can sleep in my room.

‘I'm sure he'd love to,' she told them, smiling at Luc as he came to join them.

‘I see the game is abandoned as soon as I start to win,' he objected.

‘No! No!' the twins shouted, and grabbing both him and Yves they dragged them back to the pitch.

Daniella rolled her eyes, and linking Jessica's arm she walked her to the table under a vine-covered arbour where Fernand was already pouring two glasses of what he declared to be a very fruity and slightly oaky Côte de Beaune.

‘Where is Claude?' Jessica asked, as Daniella offered her a dish of Tunisian olives.

‘On the phone,' Daniella replied. ‘He'll be out in a minute.'

‘Papi, you must be in goal now,' Elodie shouted. ‘I want Tonton Yves to be on my team.'

With a helpless shrug, Fernand put down his glass and went off to join in, while with a sigh of contentment Jessica gazed up at the dark green leaves and vibrant flowers that climbed the chateau's silvery-white walls. Then she started to laugh as Luc broke into an argument with his nephew about one or other of them being offside, though she couldn't quite tell which of them it was supposed to be.

It was a moment before she realised Daniella was watching her, and as she turned to meet her eyes she felt her cheeks grow warm with colour.

‘I know this is none of my business,' Daniella said softly, ‘but Luc spoke to Claude about the apartment . . . Of course it is not a problem for you to stay there, but just now, when I see you coming across the garden together . . .'

Jessica's heart turned over in alarm. If Daniella had picked up on it so quickly, then how on earth were they ever going to hide it from anyone else?

‘I am not judging you,' Daniella assured her gently, ‘I know how much you both love Lilian, so of course you didn't mean this to happen . . .'

‘Nothing's happening,' Jessica told her.

‘Then I'm sorry. It is just the way you look at one another. I saw it in his eyes a moment ago, and I can see it in you now, but if I am wrong . . .'

‘We're not making love,' Jessica said. ‘It hasn't gone that far. We haven't even kissed.'

Daniella sighed quietly. ‘Maybe it would be better if you did,' she said.

Jessica shook her head. ‘No.'

‘But why? Please don't think I'm saying you should, because I love Lilian too, and I don't want to see her hurt any more than you do, but sometimes, when these things are bottled up . . .' She didn't finish, she didn't have to, her meaning was plain enough.

‘We both know – and accept – that nothing can ever come of the way we feel,' Jessica told her. ‘We're just going to spend this time together and then . . .' What then? She didn't know, and right now she wasn't even sure she wanted to.

‘What about when you're in Paris?' Daniella said. ‘Do you really think you will be able to resist one another then?'

As her heart caught on the thought of it, Jessica said, ‘We have to,' while privately she was thinking that she must never undress for him again. They couldn't tease and torment one another that way any more, it was too difficult now. It was asking too much of themselves to make it stop there.

Much later that night, after returning to the cottage, Jessica found herself crying so hard down the line to Charlie that he could barely make any sense of what she was saying.

‘But darling, what's happened?' he kept asking. ‘Why are you so upset?'

‘I don't know,' she sobbed. ‘I guess it's all just catching up with me. Oh Charlie, I'm so sorry.'

Almost laughing, he said, ‘But you don't have anything to be sorry for. OK, you've had some strange thoughts, and we haven't been getting along quite as well lately, but we've been under a lot of pressure . . .'

‘I love you,' she told him.

‘Is that what you're apologising for?'

‘No. Oh I don't know what I'm saying. I just wish you were here. Or I was there. I don't ever want to lose you.'

‘Darling, what on earth . . .'

‘No, don't listen to me. Please don't take any notice. I'm fine really. Perhaps I've had a little too much to drink.'

‘Well you're in the right place for it. Where have you been this evening?'

‘To Daniella's.' She started to tell him about the dinner, but stopped when she realised she had to mention Luc. ‘I should let you get some sleep now. You've got an early start in the morning.'

‘You remember my schedule better than I do,' he said wryly. ‘Are you sure you're all right?'

‘Yes. I promise. I love you.'

‘I love you too.'

She waited for him to ring off, but he didn't.

‘Jessica, do you want me to see if I can come sooner?'

‘No,' she answered. ‘I mean, yes, but you need to be there when Harry gets home, and honestly, I'm fine.'

‘I wish you sounded it. When's Lilian back?'

Closing her eyes at the mere thought of it, she said, ‘On Friday or Saturday.'

‘Then not long to go. You know she always makes you feel better.'

‘Yes, yes she does,' she agreed, but she was so close to breaking down again that this time she had to end the call.

‘Oh Lily,' she sobbed into her hands, ‘I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. If I could make myself feel another way, I swear I would. But it will be over after Paris, I give you my word. And nothing will happen while we're there, I promise. I just have to be with him. That's all. Nothing more – and please,
please
God you and Charlie will never even know.'

IT WAS EXTRAORDINARY,
Jessica was thinking to herself as she and Luc joined the autoroute the following morning, how different everything felt when she was with him. While alone her conscience was merciless in the way it tore her apart, but now, sitting here beside him, it was as though all her guilt and anxieties were simply melting away.

She wondered how it was for him, if he suffered the same inner turmoil when alone, or even now, as they were driving. If he did he showed no sign of it.

She smiled as he glanced her way, and realised that her concerns about what would happen when they got to Paris had vanished too, because the arrangements had been made: he'd drop her and the car at the apartment block before going on to a retirement lunch for an old colleague from
Libération
. She had plenty of ideas for how to fill the time until they met up again, though he'd asked her to save some of her research so he could share it. Then this evening they would go for dinner at a restaurant he knew, before returning to their separate
apartments – and tomorrow they'd drive back to Valennes.

‘Tell me what you're thinking,' he said, as they tore down an open stretch of the fast lane, leaving most other vehicles to quake in the slipstream.

‘That you drive like a true Frenchman,' she told him wryly.

He glanced at her with humorous eyes. ‘Would you prefer I slow down?'

She shrugged. ‘If you feel safe, then I do too.'

He laughed. ‘Such confidence,' but he eased off the accelerator as he said, ‘Is that all you were thinking, that I am a crazy driver?'

She smiled, loving the way he seemed so genuinely interested to know what was in her mind, but this time her eyes went down as she said, ‘You don't really want to know.'

‘If it was about me, maybe I do.'

She threw him a look.

‘You mean it wasn't about me?'

She shook her head, then realising there was nothing wrong in telling him the truth, she said, ‘Actually, I was thinking about Lilian, and wondering . . . You do love her, don't you?'

He seemed puzzled by the question. ‘Of course,' he said. ‘I thought you knew . . .'

‘I did. I do. I just had to ask. I mean, it makes everything easier, doesn't it, if we know that you love Lilian and I love Charlie?'

He almost laughed. ‘I don't know about easier, but I suppose it makes it clearer.' Then, turning to look at her for a moment, ‘We're not going to hurt anyone,' he said, ‘maybe apart from one another, and we're going to try very hard not to do that.'

Her eyes closed at the way she was already hurting, but after a while she found herself starting to smile. ‘What is it about you,' she asked, trying to sound humorous, ‘that makes me think I can say anything?'

Though he laughed, his reply was more serious than she'd expected. ‘Probably because you don't have to tread so carefully around me. Everyone else in your life is suffering over what happened, so you're always trying to protect them, not wanting to say anything that will make it worse, or leave them thinking you blame them in some way, or feel they've let you down . . .'

‘But I'm doing it all the time,' she came in despondently, ‘especially with Charlie. Do you know, we hardly ever mention Natalie's name unless we're talking about what happened, and even then he tries not to. He's taken it so hard he can't even look at photographs or home videos or anything else to do with her, and sometimes I find that really difficult to deal with. It's not that I don't understand, because obviously I do – losing a child is like having part of yourself amputated with no anaesthetic, and nothing to hold onto . . .' She stopped, embarrassed in case she'd run on too long.

‘I saw what Natalie's death did to him during those early days,' he told her. ‘You'll remember I was with him through most of it. He gave me the impression that if he had a favourite amongst your children it might have been her.'

Jessica nodded as her heart contracted. ‘It was,' she said. ‘Maybe because we waited so long for our second, or because she just had that special twinkle for her daddy . . .' She swallowed hard and turned to look at him. ‘Did he talk to you about her during that time?'

He shook his head. ‘Not really. It was mostly official
business we were having to deal with, and his French, as you know, is as good as yours, so he didn't need me too much for that. I think it was more as a driver, and some moral support.'

She reflected sombrely about that time, then almost without thinking she said, ‘So while Lilian took care of me, you took care of Charlie . . .' She gave a sigh of confusion . . . ‘and now look where we are.'

As she looked at him she saw he was smiling.

‘I guess the world is just a very strange place, with a highly capricious master,' he commented.

‘You mean fate?'

He nodded.

She started to respond, but found her feelings too close to the surface, so trying to focus her mind elsewhere she said, ‘Can I choose some music?'

‘Of course,' he replied, as she opened the glove compartment. ‘There is a very good recording of Claude conducting
Il Trovatore
at La Scala a couple of years ago. If you don't already know it, I think you will like it.'

‘I do know it,' she told him, ‘and I remember how well received it was at the time. Did you go to Milan, to see it?'

‘
Mais bien sûr
,' he replied. ‘It was before I met Lilian, of course. I went with my father and Daniella – and Karin.'

Since he'd never mentioned his ex to her before, she was unprepared for the jolt it gave her. She wondered if it was jealousy or curiosity, and decided it was probably both. She wanted to know everything about him, yet it was hard having to accept that unlike Karin – or Lilian – she would never be a real, or acknowledged part of his life.

Slotting the CD into the player, she closed the glove
compartment and sat back to let the captivating sounds of the overture fill the car. ‘Are you ever in touch with Karin?' she asked after a while.

Seeming surprised by the question, he said, ‘Rarely. She moved to Rome soon after we broke up. I think she and Daniella contact one another from time to time, though.'

‘Why did you break up?' she asked. ‘Did you just stop loving her? Is that what happened?'

He glanced at her curiously. ‘I suppose so. I still cared for her though, very deeply, which was why it took me so long to tell her.'

She was thinking of Charlie now, and all the years they'd been together, how much they'd shared, everything they'd meant to one another – and how devastated either one of them would be if they suddenly woke up one day to discover they no longer felt the same way. ‘It's frightening to think you can be in love with someone for so long, and then suddenly find that maybe you aren't any more,' she said, not really wanting to believe it could happen. ‘Was it gradual? Or did you suddenly look at her one day and realise it was all over for you?'