A Different Shade of Violet? (34 page)

“I love you, Caiden, but you should keep your teddy. He’s your favourite.”

He shakes his head. “I want Ariel to have him. Please Mummy, please? For me?”

“Okay baby. I like the name, Ariel,” I say and he smiles wrapping his arms around my neck.

“Me too, and she’s really pretty, just like my little sister will be,” he says and I smile and kiss his forehead.

“I have to go soon, Mummy, but can you sing to me before I have to leave?”

“Anything for you, my baby boy.” He crawls back into my lap and I stroke his hair as I start to sing the words to, ‘Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star.’ He rocks back and forth in my arms and he slowly drifts off to sleep. And for the final time I kiss his head and caress his hair.

“Mummy loves you, Caiden,” I whisper against his cheek while I kiss it.

The sun shines so brightly I’m filled with a feeling of undeniable love and warmth. It surrounds me, it fills me and I love the energy surging through me. The light shines brighter until all I can see is white. I close my eyes and everything goes black. When I open them again, Caiden is no longer in my lap and I’m alone in the field with Caiden’s teddy bear. And for the first time, even though I am alone, I don’t feel alone at all.

I wake to my mobile ringing and I smile brightly as I cling onto the hoodie and the teddy bear that I now know I need to give to baby bean. I quickly pull my phone from my pocket and swipe the screen.

“Hello?”

“Hey baby, we’re done. Are you ready to be picked up?” Hudson asks and I yawn as I sit up and stretch.

“I kind of fell asleep on Caiden’s bed and I haven’t packed anything yet. Would you mind coming and helping me?”

“Sure, we’ll be there in ten. How are you? You sound… happy?” he asks sounding surprised.

“I just had a wonderful dream and I know now that with your help I
can
do this.”

“Well, I’ll be there soon, and I’ll help you with whatever you need. You know that.”

“Okay great, I’ll see you soon. Oh and Hudson?”

“Yeah?”

“I love you,” I say and he chuckles.

“I love you too, see you soon, Vee,” he says and hangs up the phone.

I look down at the teddy bear that meant so much to Caiden and I smile bringing it to my lips and kissing its soft fur.

“I’m going to live,” I yell out loud, even though I know Danny and Caiden aren’t with me right now because I can’t feel them. But in my heart I know that they’ve moved on and are in a better place. They are at peace now, knowing that I’m going to be just fine.

And I am – I am going to be absolutely fine!

Hudson arrived soon after the phone call and he and Macca helped me pack up everything I wanted. Some of Caiden’s toys to give to our baby bean, all the photos and keepsakes and anything else I wanted to hold onto. All the rest is being packed up by movers and shifted into storage. I was so grateful for Hudson’s help, but after my sleep I felt lighter like I was free from all the baggage that’s been weighing me down. I was even laughing and joking around with Macca, much to Hudson’s surprise. I think he thought I’d be a mess, but the dream gave me the strength to move on completely.

Macca drove Hudson and I back to our home and he made me get changed into something nice so we could go out to dinner.

“The taxi will be here soon, Vee,” Hudson calls out from the lounge room while he impatiently waits for me. I just want to look nice for him. I quickly put on my lipstick and head down to the lounge room.

Hudson wolf whistles as soon as he sees me. “Wow Vee, you look amazing baby. Is that the tight as fuck red dress I remember?” he asks coming over to me and wrapping his arms around my waist.

“Thanks babe, you look pretty dapper yourself. And yep, it’s the one you love,” I reply as I look him up and down. He’s wearing suit pants and a dark blue dress shirt.

A car honks and I smile and walk with Hudson to the front door in my killer Louis Vuitton red heels.

“It’s a shame I can’t have my way with you tonight. Just looking at you in that dress is making my balls ache,” he whispers in my ear and then nips on my earlobe. I giggle and roll my eyes.

“Good things come to those who wait, Rock,” I say and walk toward the taxi cab leaving him behind to shut the door. I can hear him chuckling and as I look back I can see him rearranging his crotch. I grin and slide into the back of the taxi as Hudson walks over and slides in next to me.

“Where to?” The taxi driver asks.

Our dinner was amazing and Hudson spared no expense making sure we had a three-course meal and refreshments, non-alcoholic, of course.

“Thanks for dinner, it was glorious.”

“You’re more than welcome, Vee. You know I’ll do anything for you,” Hudson says caressing my hand across the table. “You seem to be doing okay. I have to admit I’m a little shocked at how well you’re doing after today. You seem… happy?”

“I am happy. I have you and baby bean that’s all I need to make me the happiest woman on earth.”

He exhales and looks at me like I might be lying to him.

“I’m fine, really. After my amazing dream everything seems in its right place now,” I say and he raises an eyebrow at me.

“Can you tell me about it?”

“What the dream?” I ask and he nods.

“Sure, Danny and Caiden came to me and told me basically that they’re happy for me to move on. Caiden thinks we’re having a girl and we should call her Ariel. I don’t know why, but that’s what he said. It made me laugh and he told me to give his teddy to her and that he would always be watching over her.”

He raises an eyebrow. “Well, I like the name Ariel, but I don’t think a dream can tell the gender of our baby, Vee. I wouldn’t pin your hopes on us having a girl,” he says gauging me.

“No, I know, but it just felt so real, Hudson. It’s hard to explain, but it really felt like Caiden and Danny were with me. I know I sound crazy, and it certainly seems unbelievable, but it felt good to say goodbye to them properly.”

“And ah… what did Danny have to say?” he asks hesitantly.

“He said he loves me and that he’s looking out for me. He said he likes you and approves of us, which is really all I needed to hear. I’m so happy Danny knows me well enough to know what I need. He always was so attuned to me,” I say with a smile as I take a sip of my water.

Hudson nods and takes his hand from mine wiping his mouth with a napkin.

“Danny looked exactly as I remember him, with his floppy blond hair and his sparkling blue eyes. He really didn’t seem any different at all. And he was so good with Caiden in the dream, and in real life too, he was such a good father. I think you would’ve gotten along, you know?” I say and Hudson sits back in his seat and his eyes glaze over.

“Mm-hmm,” he says and then exhales.

“Anyway, so Danny said that he’s so glad I found you and that all he wants is for me to be happy. That’s all he’s ever wanted for me,” I say happily and sit up taller feeling good that I can talk to Hudson honesty without him thinking I’m crazy.

Hudson rubs the back of his neck and looks down at the table. “That’s nice,” Hudson says in a low voice.

I furrow my brows at his lack of enthusiasm for Danny’s blessing. “So, isn’t it great that Danny approves of you? Now, I know I can be happy and move on with you—”

“So, you needed Danny’s approval of me before you can be happy with me?” he asks looking me in the eyes. His are cold, distant and from what I can gather, full of hurt.

“No, that’s not what I meant at all, Hudson?” I say and he exhales and looks away from me.

“Right,” he says as he avoids any eye contact.

“Wait, are you mad at me?” I ask suddenly feeling very flustered.

He shakes his head and rests his elbows on the table and his head in his hands.

“No, I’m not mad, Vee,” he says softly but still won’t look at me.

“Hudson, look at me, tell me what I’ve done to upset you.” My heart starts to race, I never want Hudson to feel or look like he is now.

“Baby, I love you… so fucking much. But tell me, honestly, how in the hell am I supposed to compete with Danny?”

I shake my head and furrow my brow. “I don’t know what you mean?”

He looks up at me and I can see his eyes brimming with tears. I reach out my hand for his, but he doesn’t reciprocate. I bite my bottom lip as I watch him.

“Vee, you and Danny shared a life that I can’t even comprehend. You loved him more than anything, and I can tell how excited you are to have seen him in your dream. You obviously still care about him—”

“Well, of course I do, but—”

“But how can I compete with that, Vee? I mean he was and I think still is, the love of your life, and I don’t know that I can always be okay playing second fiddle to a dead man.”

My bottom lip trembles and I quickly blink my eyes multiple times to blink back the tears then furrow my brows wondering where this is all coming from.

“Hudson, you are
not
coming second. Yes, Danny was the first love of my life, but you Hudson, you’re the
last
love of my life. And, even though, yes a small part of me will always love Danny, my heart now it belongs completely to you and baby bean. I’m so sorry if I upset you. I was just so happy—”

“Because of Danny—”

“No Hudson, because I got to say goodbye and now I can live with you and love you and honour you the best way I know how. I
love
you! And I’m so sorry. I was just excited to see them. I’m sorry I made you feel like you’re not the only one for me, because you are,” I say reaching out and taking his hand in mine and squeezing. “I’m going to marry
you
Hudson, without hesitation and without thinking about Danny. He’s in my past. Yes, a big part of my past granted, but you,
you
are
my
future. Now and always, Hudson, please believe me?”

He finally looks at me and he exhales. “I love you, Vee, more than I’ve loved anyone or anything in this world and I worry that when I tried to break it off with you that I damaged us. And that, I know Danny wouldn’t have ever let you go… no matter what. I never let you go, but I tried to, and I can never, ever… forgive myself for that. I worry that maybe I’m not enough for you?”

“Oh, Hudson please, don’t think like that. You are enough, you’re more than I deserve. I know when we were apart things were horrible between us, but I didn’t think for a minute that you didn’t love me. I knew you loved me still from the moment I saw you again. That glimmer in your eyes you always have around me was there and that’s why I fought to have you back with me. Because our love Hudson, it’s worth fighting for. Our love knows no bounds. I will love you for the rest of time and I swear to you that I love you more than anyone else, dead or alive. You are my priority now Hudson, you and baby bean. Without you I can’t breathe and I’m sorry I made you feel inadequate, but I promise Hudson, you’ll never have to share me with Danny. I am completely one hundred percent yours. Always,” I say and he closes his eyes as a tear runs down his face.

My chest tightens at the thought that me raving on about Danny has made him feel this way.
What the hell was I thinking?

I reach over and wipe the tear away. “It’s only you I want. You’re the only man I need, Hudson. I swear it to you. I love you so much it hurts. My chest actually hurts when I am with you, from all the love swarming around in my heart for you. It hurts even more when you’re not around from the emptiness I feel when you’re not here. Hudson, please believe me when I tell you how
in love
with you I am,” I say and he opens his eyes and that familiar spark is back in his gorgeous multi-coloured eyes, those eyes that I get constantly lost in.

“I believe you. And just know that no matter what, I’m always going to be in love with you, Vee. Always. I just want it to be you, me and baby bean. I don’t need the ghosts of our pasts haunting us.”

“No ghosts, they’ve gone. It’s just you and me, and this little one from now on,” I say while I rub my belly.

He nods and clears his throat. “Okay good. I just wanted to make sure, before we take the next step you know?”

“I know and I apologise if I went off on a tangent before,” I say and he squeezes my hand.

“It’s okay, I’m so insecure about this, but tell me more about our baby girl,” he says finally smiling brightly at me. I smile back as he raises my hand and kisses the back of it tenderly.

I slide into the back of the taxi completely bloated after our amazing meal and deep and meaningful conversation. I feel bad that I made Hudson question my love for him, and now I look back at my actions, I understand why he was thinking the way he was. I was completely inconsiderate of his feelings. I was so happy to have said goodbye to my boys that maybe I should have kept it to myself. As much as it was a good dream for me, for Hudson it just brought about questions and doubt, and I never want him to doubt my love for him… ever.