A Different Shade of Violet? (33 page)

Hudson leans in kissing my head and I wrap my arms around his waist pulling myself as close as I can get to him.

“Thank you for coming with me, and for bringing me here today. I think it’s the closure I needed.”

“We can stay for as long as you need to,” he says and I look over at the white rose bush growing in the garden. I let go of Hudson and walk across to it. He stands back and watches me as I pick two rose buds from the bush and bring them back over… to where the plaque is on the wall… to where I know their bodies are beneath the lush grass.

“You’ll be in my heart, forever,” I whisper as I kneel down on the grass, kiss each rose bud and then place them gently on the ground. I wipe a tear falling down my cheek and I sit back on my heels, just staring up at the plaque.

Hudson rests his hand on my shoulder and caresses it gently for comfort. I move my hand up to hold his and I silently sit and just relish in the presence I feel surrounding me. A warmth and love that’s engulfing my entire body and I know Danny and Caiden are here, and I hope that when I go home and I’m there by myself that they are there too and I can say a proper goodbye.

I stand up and look at Hudson. He watches me intently and I nod at him resting my forehead against his and closing my eyes.

“I’m proud of you, Vee. I know coming here must’ve been really hard. But you are doing so well. Your boys know you love them,” Hudson whispers against my lips and I open my eyes and look into Hudson’s blue and green orbs and I know that through all the torment, through all the pain, all the grief and loss, that in Hudson I have found my home, and I know without a doubt that he is and will always be, my happily ever after.

We arrive at my house and the presence I felt at the cemetery, I still feel with me now. It’s making today a lot easier, and even though it’s my birthday and I’m saying goodbye to my house and my boys, it doesn’t mean I’m not enjoying it. It’s been a kind of a relief to say goodbye, and in a strange way, it’s the best birthday I’ve had in six years.

I get out of Macca’s car and Hudson steps out with me.

“Are you sure you don’t want me to come inside with you? I don’t mind?” he asks looking into my eyes.

I smile at him and nod. “I’m sure, I need to do this. I’ll pack up what I want and then the rest can go into storage when the movers come. I’m okay I promise,” I say and lean on my toes to kiss him.

“Well, I’ll be out with Macca, but if you need me just call. Otherwise, I’ll come back in a couple of hours to pick you up, okay? Then I’m taking you out to dinner to celebrate your birthday—”

“You don’t have to do that—”

“Shh, I want to. We need something happy through all the sadness that is today,” he says and I nod.

“Can you wait here till I get inside? Just to make sure I don’t want to run?” I ask and he frowns.

“I can come inside with you. I honestly don’t mind, baby.”

I smile and shake my head. “I’ll be fine, just wait till I’m inside, okay?”

He exhales and pauses. “I love you,” he says and I kiss him quickly.

“I know, me too,” I say and let go of him while I start to pull my keys out of my bag.

I look back at Hudson and smile then unlock the door and walk inside. I turn back to see him watching me and I smile and close the door.

I hear the car door shut and I walk inside and turn on the light switch. The dust is millimeters thick over everything, it all looks the same as when I was last here. But this time I feel like I am home. A smile crosses my face as I feel a gentle breeze brush past me. I turn to look and all the windows are shut and so is the door. I smile as the hairs on my arms stand to attention and warmth invades my body.

“Hi Danny,” I whisper and I close my eyes as I smile.

Ring. Ring.
My mobile rings making me jump, I open my eyes and search through my bag to find my phone.

“Hello?”

“Hey baby, just checking you’re okay before we go,” Hudson says down the line and I smile so widely at his thoughtfulness.

“I’m fine, thanks for checking, but you and Macca go and have a good time. I’ll be packing and then you can pick me up in an hour or two, or whenever you’re finished having your male bonding time,” I say and he chuckles.

“Okay, but if you need me I’m only a phone call away.”

“I know, now go, I have work to do,” I tease and he laughs.

“Try not to get too upset, okay? Just remember I’m here for you, always.”

“I know, that’s what’s making this so easy for me. Knowing you’re there for me and baby bean, means everything to me Hudson.”

“Always baby, always. I’ll call you when we’re on our way back to you.”

“Sure, have fun.”

“Bye, my beautiful fiancée,” he says making me smile.

“Bye, future husband,” I reply and then hang up the phone.

I stand in the middle of the lounge room and look at the photos of me and my boys. It’s funny how this place turned into a kind of hell for me, but now I feel at peace and I know that I’m doing the right thing. I’ve held on to them for far too long and now that I have another, well, two people to think about, I need to let Danny and Caiden go. Not from my memory or my heart, but just loosen the leash I have around them and let them fade to the back, so I can still see them, but they’re not in the forefront of my life anymore.

I walk over to the sofa and I sit down just looking at my house that was a home with my first family. I loved it here. I loved the life I had and I loved my family more than anything. It is sad that I have to let this place go, but it’s a necessary evil that I must do.

I stand up and walk toward the hallway and down to my bedroom. I smile as I walk in and toward the walk-in robe. I stop and look at Danny’s clothes. I can picture him wearing them and it brings a smile to my face. I take out his favourite hoodie and hold it to my chest with both hands almost hugging it in a way. I lift it up and smell it, and it faintly smells like Danny, but that has mostly faded now. The hairs on my arm stand up again and the warmth fills me from my very core.

“Hey Danny,” I whisper and close my eyes tightly.

An image of Danny flashes into my mind. He’s standing in front of me and smiling so brightly it makes my heart flutter.

“I’m glad you were with me at the cemetery today, you made it so much easier. I’m really sorry I haven’t come to see you and our boy before. I just didn’t have the strength. I put up this wall thinking I was this tough as fuck person, who didn’t take shit from anyone. Really, I was just trying to hide how utterly weak I really was without you two…” I pause and open my eyes. “But I’m stronger now. More than I ever was as The Violet Widow. I guess now I am a different shade of Violet? I’m able to function. I can breathe again. I feel like I’m finally alive and able to live life the way I’m meant to live it. I try not to imagine how life would be now if you were still here because that wouldn’t do me any good. Plus, I wouldn’t have Hudson or this little miracle inside me right now. So I guess things have a way of turning out even though it was unpredicted. This is the right life for me now. I know you would’ve hated who I’d become. TVW was a monster and I swear to you, to Caiden, to Hudson and to baby bean that I
will never
go back to that lifestyle. I won’t disappoint you again, Danny. I promise,” I say and exhale as the breeze wafts across my face.

I smile and walk back out into the bedroom, taking Danny’s hoodie with me. I walk over to the chest of drawers and pull out Danny’s aftershave. I smile when I see the half empty bottle. I pull off the small silver cap and spray once onto the hoodie and I can’t stop the smile forming when Danny’s smell invades my senses. I close my eyes and flashes of our past run through my mind. The day we met at school… our first kiss… the first time we made love… holding Caiden in the birthing suite for the first time… the last hug we ever gave each other. I gasp as the last image knocks the wind from my lungs. My eyes well with tears and I let out a small sob. I miss him and the last hug I ever got from Danny was the best. He held me, told me he loved me and he would be back with some ice cream. I open my eyes and a tear falls down my cheek. I quickly wipe it away and hold onto his hoodie tighter.

I walk over to our bed and sit on the edge, just taking in the room around me. Everything in here is so Danny, even down to the large television sitting on the dresser. I wipe the tears away and smile, forcing that haunting image out and bringing back images of Danny playing with Caiden in the backyard. I chuckle to myself as Danny throws Caiden in the air and then catches him. Caiden’s little fits of laughter melting my heart, making me feel nothing but pure devotion and utter adoration for our son.

I want to be close to Caiden, so I stand up, taking Danny’s hoodie with me and walk down the hallway toward Caiden’s room. I open the door and my heart is fluttering in my chest, not thudding but beating like I’m excited. I walk in and it’s exactly the same as I remember. His teddy sits on his pillow and I smile looking at the toys on the floor.

I miss him so much and having another baby is as scary as hell. I just hope Caiden would be happy to be a big brother. I walk over and sit down on his single bed and pick up his teddy with one hand holding the hoodie in the other.

I embrace them both together like I’m hugging my boys for the last time. I want to take a moment before I have to start packing, to just be in the moment, so I lay down on Caiden’s bed and rest the bear and the hoodie on my chest. I can smell them both and it’s calming and soothing me like they were actually here. I close my eyes as a smile crosses my face. I’m so relaxed that I can feel myself getting heavy as I hold onto my boys tightly.

“Mummy wake up,” I hear Caiden saying as I feel him nudging my arm.

I open my eyes to see a bright light. I blink a few times getting my bearings. I finally realise I’m lying in a field, and the sun is shining so brightly it’s lighting up the sky in beautiful golds and pinks. I feel the nudge on my arm again and I turn my head to see Caiden sitting cross-legged on the grass next to me with a giant smile on his face.

“Hey, little man,” I say and he jumps up and runs around me flinging himself onto the ground. I furrow my brows when I hear a grunt and I turn to see Caiden has jumped on Danny, who is also lying beside me.

“Easy kid, you wanna break my ribs or something?” Danny says and I smile seeing his beautiful face.

“You’re both here?” I ask and they look at me and nod.

“We never left. I only said that to get you to move on, Lettie,” Danny says and my eyes well with tears.

The sun is shining so brightly, I feel so warm as I look at Caiden, who’s looking at my stomach.

“Are you both, okay?” I ask as I sit up and face Danny. Caiden jumps off his dad and sits in my lap while Danny sits up facing me.

“We’re great now that you are okay,” Danny says as I cuddle into Caiden.

“I miss you both, so much.”

“We know Mummy, but you have Hudson now, and he’s taking great care of you. I like him Mummy, and I like his drawings on his arm and chest,” Caiden says and I laugh.

“Honey they’re tattoos, and I like them too,” I say and Danny smiles.

“I’m so glad you found him, Lettie. All I want is for you to be happy. That’s all I’ve ever wanted for you,” Danny says, and he takes my hand in his caressing my skin softly.

“Caiden, go get your gift for Mummy,” Danny says and Caiden nods and jumps out of my lap and runs toward the sun. I watch him, but it’s so bright I have to turn my eyes back to Danny. He stands up and puts his hand out for me to take. I do and he lifts me up and into an embrace. I lean into his chest and take in his smell and warmth.

“I love you, Lettie, don’t ever forget that but don’t let it hold you back either. Love Hudson, love him like you loved me, and that will make Hudson the happiest man alive. Your love is infectious, Lettie, and let yourself love your new family. It doesn’t mean you love us any less… don’t hold back. Promise me?” Danny asks caressing my hair.

I look up at him and smile. “I promise,” I reply and he leans down gently kissing my cheek. I lean into him and relish his touch, even now he can still make my heart skip a beat.

“I love you, like the sun and clouds above, Lettie. I will always be with you and watching down on you. Now that you’ve found your peace, I can have mine. I approve of Hudson. I approve of your life now, and I want you to live it without looking back. Just live for the now and be happy, that’s all I ask of you.”

I look into his bright blue eyes and smile. “I promise, Danny,” I say and he leans in kissing my forehead as Caiden comes running back with his teddy bear.

“Live Lettie,” Danny says as he lets me go and smiles so brightly it temporarily blinds me. I close my eyes for a moment when I feel a tugging on my hand. I open my eyes back up and Danny is gone. I look around as the tugging continues.

“Mummy, look,” Caiden says as I look down at him with a tear in my eye.

He shoves the teddy bear in my arms and smiles as I wipe the tear from my cheek.

“It’s your teddy, baby, you should have him,” I say trying to hand the teddy back to him. He shakes his head and crosses his arms over his chest with a smirk.

“It’s not for me anymore, Mummy, it’s for my sister,” he says and I open my eyes wide in shock.

“What do you mean, your sister?” I ask and he puts his hand out and splays his fingers out across my belly.

“You have an angel watching over you Mummy, and you should name my sister after her,” he says and I smile kneeling down, so I’m the same level as him.

“And what’s this angel’s name?”

“Ariel! She’s been protecting you for the last six years and my little sister should be named after her,” he says leaning in and cuddling me.

“How do you know the baby is a sister?”

“I can just tell. Give her my teddy. It will let me watch over her. I will protect my little sister Mummy. For all her life I will be watching down on her,” Caiden says and I rub my belly as a tear slides slowly down my face.