A Different Kind (10 page)

Logan laughed again. He looked amused that he was getting under my skin. “It’s not exactly like Kryptonite. It’s kind of dumb really.”

“What?”

“I’m allergic to milk.”

“What? Like, you’re lactose intolerant?”

“No, I’m allergic. I break out in hives if I drink it, and I get crazy sick.”

“Gross.” I laughed.

“Yeah, like I said. It’s dumb.”

I shook my head. “It’s not dumb. Not exactly what I was expecting though.” I laughed.

We talked for a while after that. Logan pointed out the constellations. I squinted, trying to understand how some random cluster of stars looked like the animals and symbols he described. After a while I gathered up my things and walked home. As I fell asleep that night I felt good thinking of Logan as my friend.

CHAPTER

13

I
n English the next day, Jo was smiling brighter than a kid with a brand new bike. She looped the stethoscope that hung around her neck around her fingers. Tuesday was “Career Day,” and Jo was decked out in her father’s surgeon scrubs. I wore a rhinestone tiara and purple dress, as I still hadn’t changed my career choice of princess since I was six. In all honesty I was thinking about going to school for something business related, but that dress was way cuter than any suit I could have borrowed.

“You look happy – something happen that I don’t know about?” I asked.

Jo laughed. “Nothing new with me, but you seemed to be having a nice time last night.”

At first I didn’t know what Jo was talking about, but then I saw her eyes dart to the door as Logan walked in. She gave me a pointed look.

“Enjoy stargazing on the rooftop?” she asked. I was sure my face would have matched the paint of my Toyota just then – Barcelona Red.

“Um….” I began, but no words came to mind. Utter embarrassment wasn’t an emotion I was all that familiar with.

“So, do you two have a thing?”

“No,” I said a little too adamantly. Jo smirked. “It’s not like that,” I clarified. “Logan and I are…friends. He helped me with a school assignment last night. I’m totally bombing Astronomy. I needed help.”

“Mmmhmm.”

“Seriously, Jo. I’m kind of with Ian.”

When I said that Jo ceased her teasing. It was as if she’d completely forgotten about Ian, and now that I reminded her of my Homecoming date, she remembered how big of a crush I had on him the last few months. At that same time I realized that for a short while I’d forgotten about Ian as well. For just a second I wondered if I was really as crazy about him as I thought.

“I’m just giving you a hard time,” Jo said.

J
o and I walked into the lunch room, taking our seats at our usual table. Hailey, dressed as a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader, and a number of the other girls from our squad were already there. I opened my bag lunch. I’d packed it myself, something I’d been doing since middle school. My meal consisted of healthy options I’d normally brag about, though most days I’d love to trade my wisdom of how to keep a good figure for a cheeseburger. Beside me Jo smiled, reading a message her mom had written to her on a sticky note. It’d been stuck to the Saran Wrap covering her sandwich.

“Your mom still writes you lunch notes?” Hailey asked.

Jo laughed. “Yeah, I don’t think she’s gotten the memo that I’m a senior in high school.”

We all laughed, but secretly I wished my mom would do something like that. The last time she wrote me a note I was twelve, and it read “Leftovers in the fridge. I’ll be out late with Sherri and Tiff. Call your father if you need anything.” Around that time I started eating dinner at Jo’s.

The conversation turned to talking about the Homecoming dance once again, and as I looked over the contents of my lunch, I realized that I’d forgotten to pack a fork.

“I’ll be right back,” I said, then walked to the table with the plastic cutlery near the hot lunch line.

On my way back to my table I saw Logan walk in.

I waved. “Hey.”

“Hey.” He smiled. “Are you coming over after class today?”

“Yeah, I’m almost done with that paper. I’ll let you read it over.”

Logan nodded. “Alright, sounds good. Well, I’ll see you later.” He smiled and walked off.

I watched him take a seat at an empty table at the back of the room.
Did he always sit alone?
I’d never noticed before.

When I glanced back at my friends, Hailey gawked at me. Her head tilted and eyes narrowed.

“You’re not like,
friends
with Logan, are you?” Her expression bore into me, making me feel squirmy.

For the second time in my life, my words caught in my throat. I’d never been one to hold anything back, but in that moment I didn’t know what to say. Logan and I were friends, but the way Hailey was looking at me made me feel like that was wrong. I’d promised myself I wasn’t going to be a certain way just because that’s how everyone thought I should be, but I realized it was one thing to make that promise and another to keep it. So I did what I’d done the last time someone had said something that made me feel small.

I lied.

When I’d broken up with Jared, he’d tried to get to me by saying we’d slept together. He wanted those rumors to destroy me, but I hadn’t let them. By pretending the rumor he’d spread had been true, I took all his power away from him, and I spun the story so it suited my own needs.

By the way Hailey and the other girls looked at me then, I felt the need to spin this story as well. I thought about what I would have said if Logan and I weren’t friends. Then I rolled my eyes and summoned the typical Payton Carlson, mean-girl tone of voice.

“Logan?” I laughed. “He’s my neighbor, and he’s got some crush on me or something. I was just letting him help me on this paper.”

Hailey laughed. I felt this sick twist in my stomach.

“Good,” she said with relief in her voice. “He’s such a weirdo.”

Jo silently shook her head and gave me a disapproving look.

“Oh hey, I need your advice on what jewelry to wear to Homecoming,” Hailey continued, but her words trailed off.

I’d never felt more guilty. I’d always been honest, brutally so, but in the past it had been easy to be honest. I guess because it came at someone else’s expense. This time, my honesty would have come at the expense of Hailey’s snide remarks and judgmental looks aimed at me. That wasn’t something I was used to, not ever, and so I’d lied.

I
carried my guilt with me to Logan’s that night; it hung from me like a lead suit, and with it came this strange insecurity. I’d never much cared what people thought of me, but then again, no one had ever thought I was weird or a loser. My classmates either looked up to me, wanted to be me, or thought I was a bitch. No one had ever looked at me like Hailey had earlier that day. No one had ever made me feel weak, not since Jared. I felt torn between wanting to be Logan’s friend and keeping control over what my friends thought of me.

Logan helped me with my paper, and though I’d been distracted by Hailey’s comments earlier that night, I eased into comfortable conversation with him. After finishing my paper he had me laughing over some stupid joke and I tilted my head back, squinting into the golden light of the setting sun.

When the chuckles died down, Logan said, “Hey, I was wondering if at lunch tomorrow you could meet me in the metal shop. I have something I want to show you.”

All laughter drained away, and I thought about school and Hailey again. Part of me was curious what Logan wanted to show me, but a bigger part of me was nervous about what my friends would think. I wanted to just be
me
, but over the last few years who I was had become deeply tangled with my friends. They were a part of me, especially Jo, but Hailey too, and the thought of any of them being disappointed in me felt like losing a piece of myself.

“Logan….” I began, searching for the right words. “I don’t know if…I think maybe it’d be better if we just hung out outside of school.” I think I was trying to convince myself that was a fair compromise, even though I knew it wasn’t the right thing to do, and yet I’d said it anyway.

Logan’s brow puckered and he looked away. After a moment he laughed this flat, humorless sound and shook his head.

“I guess I should have expected that.” The harsh tone of his voice made my heart ache.

“Logan….” I searched for the right words.

“And here I thought you’d never stop being someone’s friend just because they were different. That was what you said, right? I think maybe you should re-think that statement.”

My shoulders slumped. Something inside me felt like it was being ripped out. Logan was right: I was a complete hypocrite. I didn’t want to be the kind of girl who judged people and decided who was worthy of being my friend by their reputation. But I wasn’t strong enough to stand up for the people I wanted in my life.

“I never said I didn’t want to be friends, and this has nothing to do with your being an alien.”

Logan laughed again. “No, not about my being an alien, about my being
me
. This is all about my not fitting into your little social circle, which means so much to you.”

I sighed. I didn’t know how to explain to him how confusing this was for me, or how much Hailey and my teammates meant to me.

“Just go home,” Logan said.

I felt the tears come to my eyes as I turned to him. “You’re kicking me out?”

Logan didn’t answer, but it was obvious by his expression that he didn’t want me there. Without another word, I picked up my things and left.

T
hat night as I lay in bed, I wondered who I was. I didn’t feel like the same person anymore. I used to be carefree. I used to say exactly what I was thinking. I didn’t care if I hurt anyone, and I’d had no regrets. I’d often been selfish. I’d been mean, and I’d been blissfully happy with who I was.

But I hurt Logan that night. I’d been selfish and mean, and I did care.

I wondered if everything about me, the things I did, the things people thought I did, the things I said to people, if it was all a lie. I was often honest, but sometimes my honesty hurt people. I didn’t want to do that. It was all about playing the part of head cheerleader, about living up to who people thought I was – pretty, athletic, bitchy, slutty – but none of it had anything to do with who I really was.

The problem was, I’d spent so much time pretending to be me that I never took the time to figure out who I actually was. What did I like, not just what was the popular thing to like, what did I think, feel, want, hate, need? I didn’t know.

I was like the girl in Jo’s young adult books who was always the antagonist. The bitchy, popular girl who was easily interchangeable with the bitchy, popular girl from any other book. She was usually blond, self-absorbed, and rude, and the story was never about her.

I didn’t want to be that girl.

I’d promised myself nights ago that I was going to just be me. I thought it would have been easy; after all I’d never had a problem saying what was on my mind. But that was when I thought my friends would always agree with me. It’s different when they don’t have your back.

I made a mistake, and I knew I had to fix it. This time I wouldn’t let anyone change me. I was going to be as blunt and honest with Hailey as I’d been with everyone else. I closed my eyes and started to drift off. Sleep grabbed hold of me, and I began to fall into a dream.

A sharp, piercing pain scraped across my skull.

My eyes flew open as the electrical shock set me on fire. I gripped my head and ground my teeth, wanting to scream out in pain.
I thought I was done with this
. My fingers knotted in my hair. Logan had said the device would adjust. That I’d forget it was even there, but the pain I felt hurt more than any other shock I’d felt before. It was stronger, sharper, and it felt like it was physically ripping my brain in two. Tears streamed down my face.

Eventually the pain faded, but panic replaced it. I wondered what it meant that I’d felt another shock, and one that was so strong. Was it transmitting a stronger signal? What did that mean? I wanted to run across the street and ask Logan. I wanted him to tell me everything was fine, but I knew he probably didn’t want to see me. I forced myself to go back to sleep and woke the next morning after a restless night.