A Cuckoo in Candle Lane (29 page)

‘Yes, she did, but she didn’t say why. Have you had a row?’

‘Something like that,’ she murmured.

‘Don’t worry, you’ll make it up with him. It’s probably just pre-wedding nerves.’

Sally picked at a fingernail; she needed to talk, to get it off her chest, the scene of John in bed with a man still vivid in her mind. She couldn’t face telling her mum, it was so awful; she felt safer confiding in her friend. ‘No, Ann,’ she finally said, ‘it was more than just a row. You see, I went to the flat, and …’

Stumbling over the words, she watched the growing horror on Ann’s face. When her story came to an end there was a moment of stunned silence before Ann, taking a deep breath, said, ‘Sally, I know how awful this must be for you, but I think in a way you’ve had a lucky escape. I mean, what sort of marriage would it have been?’

Sally knew her friend was right, but the pain of John’s rejection was hard to bear. ‘I had no idea he was homosexual, Ann. How could I have been so blind? What a little fool I’ve been.’

‘Oh Sally, how could you have known? He didn’t go around with a label on his forehead. None of us realised that he was a queer so don’t blame yourself for not catching on.’

‘But he never wanted to touch me – to hold me, or kiss me.’ She wrung her hands together. ‘Do you know, I once discussed it with Nelly Cox and she told me how lucky I was to have a man like John, a man who was prepared to wait until we were married.’

‘Huh, lucky. I don’t think so,’ Ann said, a scowl on her face.

Sally suddenly looked hard at her friend. ‘You never really liked him, did you? Come on, be honest.’

‘No, you’re right, and if you want me to be totally honest, I didn’t like the way he controlled you.’

Sally digested Ann’s words. Yes, in a way John
had
controlled her; he had moulded her, changed the way she dressed, the way she spoke and even the way she thought. And I let him, she admitted to herself at last, and all because I never felt good enough for him. Sinking back onto the pillows and feeling emotionally drained, she berated herself again for being such a fool.

Ann looked at her with concern. ‘You’re exhausted. I’ll go now, you need to rest.’ She paused at the door. ‘That lot downstairs are bound to ask me what happened. Is it all right to tell them?’

Gathering her thoughts, Sally realised that they would have to be told eventually, although she dreaded their reactions. Still, it would probably be better to get it over and done with. ‘Yes, you can tell them, if you’re sure you don’t mind. But please, would you ask them to keep it to themselves? It isn’t something I want made public. I feel humiliated enough as it is.’

‘All right, but don’t worry, I’m sure they won’t say anything.’

When the door closed, Sally turned painfully onto her side, struggling to plump the pillow under her head. It was still difficult to breathe normally, but finding that she did feel a little better after talking to Ann, she eventually drifted off to sleep.

The room was in darkness when she awoke, slowly becoming aware of a presence. A familiar glow started to form and she relaxed – suddenly remembering that she didn’t have to push the entity away now. It was as though a great weight had been lifted from her shoulders and she felt a wonderful sense of freedom. A glorious feeling of exhilaration filled her as she realised that once again she could stretch her wings and fly. Smiling, she reached out her arms to the golden shimmering light.

‘W
ell, what did she say? Did you convince her to keep quiet, John?’ Lottie asked, pacing the floor in agitation.

‘I didn’t get a chance to say much. She wouldn’t let her mother leave the room.’

‘Oh, John. What are we going to do? If she opens her mouth, you’ll be ruined.’

‘She may not say anything, Auntie. We’ll just have to keep our fingers crossed.’

‘Don’t be silly. We can’t leave it like this! Why on earth didn’t you insist on speaking to her alone?’

‘I did, but she wouldn’t have it. She was very upset.’

‘Well, of course she’s upset. Can’t you imagine how awful this must be for her? Seeing you with Larry must have been a dreadful shock. Perhaps I should go to see her – she might listen to me.’

‘Yes, you could give it a try, I suppose.’ He sank back in his chair, sighing heavily. ‘God, I’ve really made a mess of things, haven’t I.’

‘You weren’t to know she would turn up at the flat, darling. But taking Larry there was a rather silly thing to do. Oh, by the way, he left this note for you.’

He took the note eagerly, ripping open the envelope and scanning the contents. Lottie saw his face blanch, then leaning forward he covered his face with his hands.

‘What is it, darling?’ she asked anxiously.

John looked up, his eyes wet with tears. ‘He doesn’t want to see me any more. He says it’s too risky now, and he has his reputation to think of. Huh, I expect he’s frightened that his wife will find out about us.’

‘Reputation –
his
reputation – what about yours?’ Lottie said indignantly.

John ran a hand tiredly over his forehead. ‘Oh Lottie, I thought he loved me,’ he whispered brokenly.

‘Obviously not enough to stick by you now,’ Lottie retorted. Then, seeing the depths of John’s pain, she rushed to his side. ‘I’m sorry, that was cruel of me. Oh darling, you look exhausted. I think we’re both too tired to think straight. Why don’t you get yourself off to bed and we’ll talk again in the morning.’

He nodded, rising slowly from the chair. ‘Perhaps if you can persuade Sally to keep quiet, Larry might change his mind,’ he said hopefully. ‘Good night, Auntie.’

‘Good night, my dear, and try not to worry too much. I’m sure she’ll listen to me.’

Sally awoke the next morning to the sound of raised voices, and recognising one of them as Lottie’s, she called out urgently, ‘Let her in, Mum, I want to speak to her.’ Pulling herself up onto the pillows and catching her breath painfully, she ran her fingers through her hair. There were things she wanted to say to Lottie, and it might as well be now.

‘I don’t know why you want to see the likes of her,’ was her mum’s caustic remark as they stepped into the room, and folding her arms across her chest, she stood by the bed like a sentinel.

‘Sally, may I talk to you alone, please?’ Lottie asked.

‘No, you bleedin’ well can’t,’ Ruth snapped. ‘Anything you’ve got to say, you can say in front of me.’

Ignoring Ruth, Lottie looked at Sally propped up in bed. ‘Please, Sally,’ she begged.

‘My mother already knows about John’s homosexuality, if that’s what you’re worried about,’ Sally told her, seeing her eyes widen.

‘Oh no!’ Lottie gasped. ‘Please, I beg you, please don’t tell anyone else. Don’t you realise that homosexuality is illegal? If the authorities find out, it could ruin John’s life.’

‘Huh, I like that,’ Ruth spat. ‘John’s life will be ruined. What about my Sally?’

‘Mum, can I have a cup of tea, please?’ Sally asked, knowing it was the only way to get her mother out of the room. Seeing the doubt on her face, she added, ‘It’s all right, I’ll be fine.’

‘Yeah, all right then. But don’t go upsetting my daughter. You and yer bleedin’ nephew ’ave done enough damage,’ Ruth told Lottie, giving her a hard look as she left the room.

‘How
could
you, Lottie! How
could
you let John use me like that!’ Sally asked, as soon as her mother was out of earshot.

‘We didn’t mean to hurt you, Sally. Really we didn’t. You see, I noticed that you seemed frightened of men and when I thought you wouldn’t be interested in … well, that side of marriage … you seemed the ideal match.’

‘Ideal match?’ Sally retorted, her voice high. ‘How can being married to a …a
queer
be ideal? All right, I admit I’m afraid of sex, but I could have got over that – and what if I had wanted children?’

Lottie stared at Sally, her face pale. ‘Oh, I am so sorry, my dear. I didn’t think, really I didn’t. I just wanted to protect John and I honestly thought you would be happy together.’

Looking down at her hands, Sally suddenly realised that she was still wearing John’s ring, and slowly pulled it off. She held it clasped in her fist momentarily, intending to hand it back to Lottie, but was surprised when she suddenly saw a vision flash in front of her eyes. ‘My God,’ she gasped. ‘This ring, John said it belonged to his mother.’

‘Yes, it was my sister-in-law’s engagement ring,’ Lottie answered, her voice suddenly wary.

Sally’s brow creased and she clenched the ring tightly, closing her eyes. Seconds later they flew open. ‘
You’re
John’s mother,’ she said. ‘This ring belongs to
you
.’

Lottie staggered and held onto the post at the foot of the bed. ‘No, no, you’re wrong!’

‘No, I’m not,’ Sally insisted. ‘I saw a vision of you wearing it. It’s definitely yours.’

At that point, the fight seemed to go out of Lottie. ‘Can I sit down, please?’ she whispered, just as Ruth came back into the room holding a cup of tea in her hand.

She looked from her daughter to Lottie, and seeing their expressions, demanded, ‘What’s going on? Are you all right, Sally?’

‘Yes, I’m fine, but Lottie’s had a bit of a shock. Could you get her a cup of tea too, Mum?’

‘Christ, what do you think this is – a café,’ she retorted crossly. ‘I ain’t a bleedin’ waitress, you know.’

‘Please, it’s all right. I don’t want anything,’ Lottie said, as she lowered herself onto a chair.

‘Mum, would you leave us alone, please,’ Sally asked, and seeing Ruth’s expression, added, ‘Just for five minutes.’

‘All right, but five minutes and no longer,’ she snapped, puffing loudly with indignation as she left the room.

As soon as the door closed, Lottie leaned forward in the chair. ‘All right, Sally. I suppose I owe you the truth. You’re right, I am John’s mother, but he must never find out.’

‘Why? I don’t understand.’

‘Oh, my dear. It’s still a stigma now if a girl gets pregnant before marriage, but it was even worse in nineteen thirty-six.’

‘But what happened? Why didn’t you get married?’

‘I was jilted, Sally. When I was just two months’ pregnant my fiancé ran off with another girl.’

‘I still don’t understand. If your brother and his wife were killed during the war, why does John think they were his parents?’

Lottie heaved a sigh. ‘To all intents and purposes they were, Sally. You see, when my father found out that I was pregnant, all hell broke loose. He went absolutely mad and threatened to throw me out. It was my brother who came to my rescue, and he took me to stay with him and his wife. When John was born, they offered to adopt him.’

‘But why did you let them?’

‘What choice did I have, Sally? I was a young woman, on my own. Where could I go with a baby son? How could I support him?’

‘Yes, all right, I can see that. But I still don’t understand why you haven’t told John the truth.’

Lottie sighed, her eyes pools of anguish as she gazed at Sally. ‘Guilt, that’s why I haven’t told him. I suppose you could call it my penance.’

Seeing Sally shaking her head in obvious confusion, Lottie continued, ‘You see, I wasn’t a very religious person then, only going to church for the usual weddings and funerals. But after giving John up I missed him so much. Night after night I used to lie in my bed, praying to God to give him back to me. To somehow make it possible.’

‘And you got him back,’ Sally whispered, her eyes wide.

‘Yes, I did. But at what cost? The death of my brother and his wife.’

‘But that wasn’t your fault,’ Sally protested. ‘You have no need to feel guilty.’

‘Oh, but I do, Sally. When they were killed, do you know what my first reaction was? No, I can see that you don’t. It was joy. Yes, joy! I couldn’t wait to get John back and was on the first available train to Devon. Even before their funeral.’

Sally averted her eyes, shocked by what she was hearing, yet unable to feel anything but pity for Lottie.

‘I’ve been paying the penance for it ever since, Sally. I go to church twice a week, help as much as I can in fund-raising events. And I vowed never, ever, to tell John the truth. It’s the only way I can assuage my guilt.’

As Sally was about to speak the door opened, and her mother walked in. Seeing her expression, Lottie rose to her feet. ‘I’ll go now, Sally. Thank you for seeing me. It seems I’m leaving you with two secrets now. Will you keep them both?’

Sally looked at the woman she had been prepared to hate, and searching her feelings realised that all the anger she felt had drained away, to be replaced by compassion. Lottie was punishing herself, and had been for many years. Yes, she had used her, but like any mother, she had just been trying to protect her child.

‘Your secrets are safe with me, Lottie, if you promise me just one thing?’

‘Yes, whatever you ask,’ Lottie said eagerly.

‘Will you promise me that you won’t encourage John to marry another young woman?’

‘Oh yes, my dear. Now I’ve seen the hurt it can cause, I realise how misguided I was. All I can do now is to pray that the law will change and it will no longer be illegal to be homosexual in this country. If that happened, there would be no need for them to marry to cover up their sexuality.’