A Cry For Hope (4 page)

“With?”

“Everything. You and Jamie. Your feelings.”

“Well,” I looked away briefly, embarrassed to tell Dr. Draven about what I had witnessed last night.

“Do you have something that you want to say, Hope?”

I took a deep breath. “Last night, I saw Jamie kissing another woman.”

He remained stone-faced and nodded as if it was no big deal. “And did you confront him about it?”

“Yes,” I whispered.

“And what was his response?”

“Well, at first, he tried to play dumb, but then he finally admitted it.”

“He admitted that he was sleeping with this woman?”

“Well, no. But he didn’t deny it, either.”

“How does that make you feel?”

“Like a failure. Like I’m not worthy of his love anymore.” I felt the tears surging in my eyes. “I don’t know. Maybe I deserve it. Maybe he needs to get this out of his system and then maybe we can work on being a couple again.”

Dr. Draven shook his head. “Hope, you don’t work on fixing a marriage by allowing indiscretions. Yes, I get that he’s understandably hurt, but so are you. You need to stop feeling as if you need to be punished for something that was out of your control.”

“I know, but it’s the fact that he can’t have any more kids. I think that’s weighing heavy on his mind, as well. You know, Charlie was our one and only and now he’s…” I quickly grabbed a tissue and wiped my eyes.

“Hope, I realize how much you love Jamie and that you want to make this marriage work, but maybe you need to take a step back and start healing yourself, instead of taking all the blame. And then, once you’ve done that, you can work on your marriage.”

I tried to blink away the tears. I didn’t want to think of living a life without Jamie. However miserable that life was right now, it was still better than not having him in my life at all. Dr. Draven must have seen the apprehension that was written on my face. “Did you ever hear of that saying ‘If you love something set it free’?” I nodded. “Well, Hope, maybe you need to set Jamie free. If he comes back to you… well, you know how the rest goes.”

I fought back the sobs that wanted to escape at the mere thought of that. He continued on for the next hour about different ways that I could alleviate my guilt. I was only half paying attention. My mind was still stuck on his advice from earlier in the session. He looked down at this watch. “Well, we’re done for today.” We both got up and he walked me to the door. “Think really hard about what we talked about, and I’ll see you next week,” he said.

“I will,” I whispered.

I went home to an empty house. I walked into Charlie’s room and sat on the floor.  His room was left exactly the way it was on that morning before we had left for the beach. His sneakers still lay on the floor, exactly where he had left them. His favorite teddy bear was placed in the middle of his bed. His basketball hoop was overflowing with stuffed animals that he refused to get rid of. All of these things were like a bullet slamming into my heart. I was finding it hard to breathe as I picked up the picture of Jamie, Charlie, and me. It had been taken two years ago during Charlie’s first trip to Disney World. All three of us were so happy. Little did we know that our world would change so drastically just a few years later. I pulled my knees up and wrapped my arms around my legs. I buried my face and began to sob.
Why was life so unfair? I would give up anything to have the day in that picture back.

I finally pulled myself together and dialed my mom’s number. “Hey, sweetie,” she answered, picking up on the first ring.

“Hey, Mom.” I tried my best to sound like I wasn’t crying.

“Hope, are you okay?”

“No, but I’m going to work on that. Do you mind if I come home and stay with you for a little bit?”

“Honey, you know you don’t have to ask. This is still your home.”

“Thanks, Mom. I’ll see you in a little while.”

“Okay. Drive carefully,” she said before hanging up.

I grabbed the picture and turned around one last time, taking in everything in Charlie’s room.

Dr. Draven’s words played over in my head. I realized that staying in this house was getting me nowhere. I felt like a hamster running around on a wheel. I had to try to rebuild myself. I grabbed my suitcase from the closet and began packing some clothes, placing the picture that I had taken from Charlie’s room on top before zipping it up. I called Rich, the owner of the photography studio that I worked at, and told him that I needed to take a leave of absence. He seemed to understand and assured me that I was welcome back at any time. From my dresser drawer, I took the birthday card that I had gotten for Jamie’s birthday, which was tomorrow, and signed it.

Dear Jamie ~

I know that there isn’t much to be happy about this year, but I hope that you manage to have somewhat of a good day.

~ Love Always,

Hope

My stomach dropped when I heard the front door open. I was hoping to be gone before Jamie got home. He came upstairs and poked his head into the bedroom. “Did you get the mail?” he asked.

“No,” I answered very shortly. I could feel my entire body trembling.

He looked at the suitcase on the bed, then back up at me. He walked into the room and I could detect the faint smell of alcohol mixed with perfume coming off him. My stomach instantly began to churn as I backed away. “Where are you going?” he asked.

“To my mom’s.”

“Why?”

“Because I need to think about some things.”

“What things?” He raised his voice a little louder.

“I don’t know, just things.”

“What fuckin’ things, Hope?!” he shouted.

“What do you think, Jamie?! Maybe you would know what things if you had bothered to show up to our therapy session instead of having your afternoon ‘meeting’ with your little fuck buddy.”

A sarcastic grin flashed across his face. “What? Did you tell Dr. Draven that I’m not fucking you enough? Is that why you’re leaving, Hope? Because you want me to fuck you more?”

I shook my head, trying to ignore his callous tone. He grabbed my wrists and pulled me toward him. “Get away from me! You’re drunk!” I broke free from his grip and pushed him as hard as I could, barley budging him.

“Is this what you want, Hope?” He pushed me down on the bed and kissed me…hard. I scolded myself when I realized that I was kissing him back just as eagerly.
This was wrong. Everything about it was so wrong.
But I still didn’t stop him. He tore my shirt in his haste to take it off. He lifted my bra and exposed my breast, taking it roughly in his mouth. He pulled down his pants and boxers, and lifted my skirt, quickly pulling down my underwear. I wasn’t ready when he rammed himself into me. He lifted my leg and wrapped it around his waist. I could feel him deep inside of me. It felt like my insides were being torn apart as he relentlessly slammed into me over and over again.

I was crying from the pain, but I still didn't stop him. I deserved to hurt. I deserved to have him make me feel this way. If it made him feel better, then I was willing to endure the pain. I knew that this wasn't my husband. It was a man who needed to take his frustrations out on someone. Suddenly, Dr. Draven’s voice crept into my head:
Yes, I get that, he’s understandably hurt, but so are you. You need to stop feeling as if you need to be punished for something that was out of your control
. I finally found my voice, “Jamie, please stop. You’re hurting me,” I whispered when I was no longer able to take the pain. His eyes turned softer and, in an instant, he was back into the Jamie that I knew. My best friend. My lover. My husband.

He looked down at my tear-filled eyes. “I'm sorry, Hope. My god, I'm so sorry.” He pushed my hair from my face and wiped away the tear that was rolling down my face before burying his face into my shoulder, no longer able to hold back his sobs.

“Happy birthday, my sexy man!” I threw my arms around Jamie as he walked through the door looking totally exhausted. He had been working so hard these past few months. We had finally found “our home” and were going to be moving from our tiny one bedroom apartment in a month.

“I made your favorite for dinner…Chicken Marsala.”

He kissed me softly while I loosened his tie. “Why don't you go get changed? Dinner will be ready in five minutes.” 

“I’ve got an idea. How about you come into the bedroom and help me?”

“Nope, there will be no early birthday presents. They will come after dinner.”

“You are such a tease,” he said, slapping me lightly on my butt as he walked into the bedroom.

Oh boy, do I have a surprise for you!
I smiled to myself.

I finished preparing dinner and lit the candles on the perfectly set tiny kitchen table. Jamie's smile was a mile wide when he came back into the kitchen dressed in his sweats and a t-shirt.

“Mr. McAdams, would you like red or white?” I asked, holding up each bottle of wine.

He laughed.  “I'll have whatever you're having.”

“Oh, I'm not having any,” I said.

He looked at me strangely. “Hope? Turning down wine? Are you feeling okay?”

“Yes, I am! Geez, you act like I'm a lush or something,” I laughed.

He pulled me down onto his lap. “As long as you’re
my
lush, that's all that matters.”

“Oh, my god, Hope! I fuckin’ love you so much!” Jamie shouted. It was the perfect ending to our two-hour lovemaking session after his birthday dinner.

I gently caressed his back while he caught his breath.

“Hey, I forgot to give you something.”

I reached into the nightstand drawer and took out two cards. I handed him the first one, which was a very sentimental husband card that was so reminiscent of our relationship. He read it over and smiled. “Thank you, baby,” he said, kissing me softly on the lips.

He looked surprised when I handed him the second card. He opened it slowly and I could tell by the look on his face that he didn’t comprehend why he was receiving a “Happy Birthday, Daddy” card. A huge smile appeared on his face when he opened it up and read the inside which was signed:
Love, ? See you in October
.

“I know it wasn't part of our plan just yet, but - .”

He took my face in his hands and kissed me deeply. “This is the best birthday present that I've ever gotten, Hope.” He hugged me tightly.

“So you're okay with this? I know we said that we were going to wait a few years.”

“Am I okay with it? I'm ecstatic! I'm going to be a dad!”

I smiled at his enthusiasm. He pulled me close and kissed me on the head. “Is it okay that we just....you know?” he asked.

I giggled. “Yes, silly. It’s perfectly fine to have sex when you’re pregnant. As a matter of fact, everything I'm reading says that women want
more
sex when they're pregnant.” He looked up at me and smiled. “Do you think you can handle that challenge?” I joked.

“Do you really need to ask me that question?”

“Just wanted to make sure that you will still want me when I have a big ol’ belly.”

He trailed kisses down my body and rested his head on my stomach. “Hey, baby, you made your daddy the happiest person in the world and I can't wait to meet you.”

I ran my fingers through his hair as he continued to place gentle kisses on my belly. He looked up at me. “I love you so much, Hope, and I will worship this beautiful body for the rest of my life.”