A Cry For Hope (10 page)

I sprinkled a handful of cheese on the last pizza as my mother waited patiently with the oven door open.  “Perfect!” I said, staring down at my masterpiece. I had texted Jamie earlier to let him know that I was stopping by the house in the morning to pick up my camera, but still hadn't heard back from him. I was glad that Nick and his dad were coming for dinner. It would be a nice distraction to stop me from dwelling on Jamie's silence.

When I looked over at my mother, I noticed that she was wearing lipstick! She never wore makeup unless she was going out to a special event. “That shade looks good on you. Is there a reason that you're wearing it?” I teased.

“Oh, I just found it in the bottom of my purse. I forgot that I had it and wanted to see what it looked like.”

“Mmmm hmmm.” I giggled.

“What?” She looked at me, trying to keep a straight face.

“Nothing,” I replied.

“Is it too much?” 

I shook my head and laughed. “No, you look beautiful.”

I looked down at my ringing cell phone and battled with a bout of mixed emotions when I saw Jamie's name on my caller ID. “It’s Jamie. I'm just going to go into my bedroom for a minute.”

She nodded and looked at me sympathetically.

“Hi,” I answered as I walked into my room, closing the door behind me.

“Hey, Hope.” Just hearing his voice bought tears to my eyes. “You don’t have to text me to let me know that you're picking up your camera. It’s your house, too.”

“I just....I don't know,” I said.

“Well, what time are you coming?”

“I don't know. Probably late morning or early afternoon.”

There was a brief moment of silence. “Can I take you out to lunch?” he asked.

“Umm, I don't know, Jamie.”

“I really want to talk to you, Hope. I don't like leaving things this way.”

“Okay,” I whispered, hoping that my heart could handle seeing him.

“I have meetings all morning. So do you just want to meet me at my office around noon?”

“Yeah, sure.”

“I'll see you tomorrow,” he said before hanging up.

I closed my eyes, hoping that I was doing the right thing. I suddenly snapped out of it when I heard Nick’s and his father's muffled voices coming from the living room. I took a deep breath and put on my happy face as I walked out of my bedroom.  “Hey there!” I said, realizing that I was sounding a little overenthusiastic.

Nick looked at me strangely, picking up on my faux persona right away. My mother was unable to wipe the smile from her face. It made me happy to see her so giddy. I looked at Nick and raised my eyebrow at the two of them. He smiled, obviously having the same thoughts.

My mother was busy showing Nick’s dad the recipe for her mint brownies, which happened to be Jamie's favorite. I sighed, and poured Nick and me a glass of wine.

“Let's go sit outside,” I said, motioning for him to follow me out the back door.

“The pizzas will be ready in five minutes!” my mother shouted from the kitchen.

We sat down on the glider in comfortable silence. I looked up in the oak tree to see the cardinal sitting on a lower branch.

“Look,” I whispered to Nick as I pointed.

He tilted his head to see what I was pointing at. “Oh yeah, a cardinal,” He clearly was not as mesmerized by it as I was because he quickly changed the subject. “I sent Angie an email, letting her know that I'm working on it and that I still love her very much.”

I smiled. “Good job, Abate! The worst feeling in the world is thinking that the person you love the most doesn't love you back.”

“Is that how you're feeling, Hope?”

I looked straight ahead and nodded. “He had an affair.” I sighed deeply. “For all I know, he may still be sleeping with her.  Today was the first day that I talked to him since the day I walked out the door. My heart is ripped to shreds and it's killing me not knowing if he's feeling the same. He wants to meet for lunch tomorrow and I’m scared.”

“What are you scared of?”

“I’m just afraid that we’re not ready for this yet. I feel like we need more time before we even begin to talk. Or maybe it’s because I’m afraid of what he has to say. Maybe he doesn’t want to try and make this work. Maybe he’s just going to tell me it’s over. Either way, I’m terrified.  My name should be “‘Hopeless’ instead of Hope,” I said, trying my best attempt at a joke.

“Hope, you are not hopeless at all. You've just been through a lot and you've changed because of it. You will never be the same person that you were before you lost your son, just like I will never be the same person I was before -.” He couldn't finish. He took a deep breath and regained his composure. “We both need to accept the new people that we've become before we can expect anyone else to accept us. Because, no matter how hard we wish for it, that person that we use to be is never coming back.”

I pushed a stray hair behind my ear. “Yeah, I guess you're right.”

He smiled and took my hand in his. “So, Hope, have you ever been camping?” he asked, trying to shift to a lighter topic of conversation.

I began to laugh hysterically. “Once, and it is
so
not for me!”

“Ah, why not?”

“Too many bugs, sleeping on the ground, wild animals. Shall I continue?”

“But that was the old Hope. Maybe the new Hope just might like it!”

“Old or new....trust me, she won't.” I said, crinkling my nose.

“Well, actually, ashamed as I am to admit it, it’s kind of camping in luxury. My dad and I are going to his house on the lake in upstate New York for a few days. Four bedrooms, microwave, dishwasher, running water, and even a sixty-inch flat screen in the living room.” He smiled.

“Ummm, I wouldn't call that camping. That’s more like a vacation!”

“Well, we light a fire at night and go fishing for our dinner. Unless, of course, the fish aren't biting. Then we just go to the store up the street and buy the fish,” he said, flashing me his deep dimpled grin.

“Nick, a big bad Marine like you doesn’t rough it when he goes camping? You should be ashamed of yourself!” I teased.

He began to chuckle. “Hey, don’t let that get out. I have a reputation to protect.”

“You’re secret is safe with me. I pinkie promise,” I said, intertwining his pinkie in mine, just like we use to do in the first grade.

He shook his head and chuckled. “God, I missed you, Hope.”

The next morning, I took extra time to get myself ready as I meticulously blew dry my hair and applied my makeup. I gave myself one last look in the mirror and scolded myself for even caring. I was meeting
Jamie
for lunch. The man who had seen me at my worst. The man who held my hair back when I was throwing up for ten hours straight because of food poisoning. The man who was by my side during all twelve hours of excruciating labor. So why did I feel the need to look perfect for him today? Was it because I knew that there was someone else? Whatever it was, I was angry at myself for feeling as if I needed to impress my own husband. After I wiped the lipstick from my lips and threw my “perfect hair” into a messy bun, I walked into my bedroom, ignoring the skirt and shirt that I had laid out to wear. Instead, I slipped on my most favorite pair of worn out jeans, a white t-shirt, and my ballet flats. I looked in the full-length mirror and smiled. This was who I was and if Jamie couldn’t love me for that, maybe we didn’t really belong together after all.

I grabbed a quick cup of coffee and the plate of mint brownies that my mom had made, and was on my way. I was surprised when I was pulling into the driveway in a little under two hours; normally, I never made it from my mom’s to home in less than two. Taking a deep breath, I got out of my car and walked up to the house. A smile stretched across my face when I saw the lilac bush that Jamie and Charlie had planted for me for Mother’s Day several years ago. It was in full bloom. I carefully broke off a branch and held it up to my nose, breathing in its sweet, intoxicating scent. I bit my lip and took a deep breath, staring at the front door while trying to gather up the courage to enter. My hands were shaking as I turned the key and slowly walked in.  This once familiar place now seemed so foreign as I stood in the foyer and looked around.

As I walked into the living room, my eyes immediately focused on the portraits that lined the fireplace mantle. I must have looked at them a million times prior, but they all seemed brand new today. A photo of Jamie, Charlie, and I taken in the hospital right after Charlie was born. Charlie’s second grade school picture. Candid shots of Charlie and Jamie that I had taken, and at the center of them all was our wedding portrait. I picked it up and examined it closer. We were both so happy. All of our dreams were about to begin. We had no clue what life had in store for us and how much our love for each other would be tested. As I put the picture down, I looked around the living room and smiled. There were so many great memories right in this very room. Jamie and I getting into our playful argument every Christmas when we would try to get the gigantic tree that he and Charlie picked out on the stand. Charlie taking his first steps. Jamie and I making love on the hardwood floor in front of the fireplace. A deep sigh escaped my chest, knowing that I would never get those happy days back. That’s all they were now -- memories. Memories of a once happy life that was gone forever. I walked into the kitchen and placed the plateful of brownies on the counter. I closed my eyes. I missed this house so much; the way that it used to be when it was filled with happiness. Biting my lip and fighting the tears, I slowly opened my eyes, reminding myself of the reason that I was even here. I went into the hallway closet and retrieved my camera and equipment from the shelf. I quickly made my way to the front door and opened it, looking around one last time with a heaviness in my heart before closing the door behind me.

I arrived at Jamie’s office fifteen minutes ahead of schedule. As I walked in, I was greeted by a receptionist that I had never seen before. She gave me a warm smile and I smiled back. “Hi, I’m Hope McAdams. I’m meeting my husband for lunch today.”

“Oh, hi, I’m Mandy. It’s so nice to meet you. I just started on Monday so I’m still in the process of learning who everyone is.” I smiled even wider.
Finally. Someone who didn’t actually see me as “poor Hope”.

“Jamie told me that he was expecting you. You can go on back.”

“Thanks and good luck.” I smiled.

“Thank you.”

My head remained down, hoping to go unnoticed by anyone else as I made my way to Jamie’s office. I knocked lightly on his door and entered. He got up from his desk and smiled. My eyes instantly moved to his left hand. I smiled to myself, seeing that he was still wearing his wedding band.

“I’m sorry. I’m a little early. Surprisingly, I didn’t hit much traffic.”

“That’s okay.” He leaned down and kissed me softly on the cheek.

“My mother made your favorite mint brownies. I left them on the kitchen counter,” I said.

He bit his lip and gazed at me like he wanted to say something, but couldn’t get the words out.

“Hey Jamie, here’s that -.”  I turned around to find the redhead from the party. She covered her mouth when she saw me. “Oh, I'm so sorry,” she said. I instantly felt the bile rising in my throat, coming face-to-face with this woman once again and knowing what had happened, or maybe was
still
happening, between her and Jamie. A million heart-wrenching thoughts raced through my mind. She knew what it felt like to have his lips on hers. She knew what it felt like to have my husband inside of her, and the look of desire in his eyes just as he would come undone and release himself. These were things that only
I
was supposed to know.  Things that only he
and
I were supposed to have shared.

I ignored the pain in my heart and the churning in my stomach. The only emotion that came to the surface was anger. “Are you?” I asked. She was speechless as she looked at me sympathetically. “Are you sorry that you’re fucking my husband, or are you sorry that his poor, pathetic wife was stupid enough to show up here to have lunch with him today?”

She swallowed hard and shook her head.

“Hope?” Jamie gently said, clearly sensing my anger.

“You know what, Jamie? I knew this was a bad idea. Meeting you here and knowing that your lover works here? Just another way that you can rub salt in my wound.”

She stared at me like a deer caught in the headlights, before finally hanging her head low and walking out of his office.

“Hope, listen to me.” He placed his hand on my shoulder.

“Get the hell off of me! Don't touch me! Why do you take such pleasure in torturing me?”

“That's not what I was doing, Hope.”

“Well, what the hell did you think you were doing by asking me to meet you here when you knew that she was going to be here?”

“I didn't even think about that Hope. I just needed to talk to -.”

“
You needed!?
Everything is always about what you need! Go talk to your little whore, or is she only good for one thing? The one thing you’re unable to do with your own wife, I might add!” I realized that I was shouting a little louder than I should have been, but I didn't care.