A Constant Reminder (30 page)

“That’s different. She was already having threesomes with men and women so her coming out wasn’t the biggest shock in the world. I worried about her and when you guys hooked up she stop being wild. Erika doesn’t have feelings for me. We’re just best friends.”

“Erika loves you. I’m her second choice. If you were a lesbian she would dump me in a hot second to be with you. I can’t blame her for the way she feels. Maybe you shouldn’t blame yourself for the way you feel about this guy.”

“I don’t know how I feel about him. It changes constantly and I can’t even understand it.”

“Bad people need love too. Bad people sometimes are good people. Everybody deserves a second chance. You were happy with him before you found out and all I’m saying is after time and therapy you could probably be happy with him again.”

“I like that idea of therapy. I feel like I’m going crazy.”

***

Adam exited the hospital main entrance doors with his carry on bag flung over his shoulder. After his bone marrow donation he recovered pretty quickly. He only needed to stay in the hospital for four days.

He had never alerted his family to what was going on. He took a few days off work and claimed it was a short vacation. He didn’t want to alarm anybody or disclose that Morgan was his biological daughter. That would afford too many questions and he knew Roxanne would be upset by it.

Adam reached into his back pocket and removed his car keys. His doctor told him it would be about twenty days before he would fully recover but that he could get back to his normal everyday routine as soon as he was released from the hospital. He knew Morgan had a much longer stay in the hospital and he really wanted to make sure everything was going well for her.

Adam walked through the hospital parking garage. He noticed a man carrying a baby in an infant car seat with a toddler trying to keep up a few paces behind. That could have been him if he had made different choices.

Adam reached his Jeep. He tossed his bag in the backseat and got in. He sat silent for a moment before starting the engine. He didn’t want to leave Morgan but at least he knew where she was and that she had around the clock care. He researched her condition and she was going to be in the hospital at least a month and maybe three months.

Adam drove back to his new apartment. His connection to Morgan seemed stronger now. Adam stayed away as long as he could but he had to see for himself that Morgan was okay. He had a routine. He waited for Roxanne to leave the hospital so he could visit with Morgan. Roxanne usually left around eleven at night.

He wasn’t on the list of visitors but that didn’t stop him. He used his charm and good looks to woo the night nurses into letting him see Morgan.

Adam walked up to the nurse’s station. A young pretty Latino nurse was seated behind the nurse’s station. The nurse smiled when she saw Adam. He was a familiar face. He placed two cups of hot Starbucks coffee on the counter.

“What are you doing back here?”

“Eva, you know I came to see my daughter. Where’s Grace?”

“She’s checking a patient. You brought us coffee.”

“Of course the night shift is hard.”

“Man you’re going to get us into big trouble.”

“No one’s going to know. Please just give me a minute to look in on her.” By a minute he really meant a few hours but Eva knew his routine. She felt sorry for him.

“Okay one minute. I’m not kidding. I will come in there and get you.”

“Is she getting better?”

“Yeah she’s doing much better. She’s eating well and her cell count is increasing. She’ll probably be released in a month. Morgan is a doll. We’re all looking out for her.”

“A month?”

“Yeah, then what are you going to do? How are you going to see her?”

“I don’t know.”

“Why does her mother hate you? You gave your kid your bone marrow. I can’t figure it out. Did you cheat on her?”

“No that’s not it. It’s a long story.”

“Well hurry up. You know you’re not supposed to be here.”

Adam grinned. “Thanks Eva. You’re the best.”

“Whatever just go.” Eva shoo-ed him away with the wave of her hand. Eva was married but that didn’t stop her from watching Adam’s rear end when he walked away from the nurse’s station.

Adam dashed around a corner toward the semi private room where Morgan was recovering.

Adam entered Morgan’s hospital room. Morgan was asleep in bed with a huge stuffed ape wrapped tightly in her arms. He knew the ape as Caesar. He had bought it for Morgan after he took her to see the Dawn of the Planet of the Apes movie. This was after Roxanne had taken him back. This was when he thought everything was going good. Right before she secretly collected his DNA sample.

Morgan didn’t have the stuffed ape the last time he snuck in and visited. He wondered if Morgan requested Roxanne bring the ape to the hospital.

Adam walked up to the side of her bed and brushed her blonde curls from her face with his hand. He bent down and gave her a kiss on her forehead.

Morgan’s eyes opened wide. They peered up at Adam.

“Is this a dream?”

“Yes Morgan, this is a dream.” He lied to her. It was just easier that way.

“I’m not sick in my dreams.”

“No you’re not sick in my dreams either.”

“I think this is real. You always say I’m dreaming when you come here to see me.”

“I do?”

“Yes, I miss you.”

“I miss you too.”

“I still love you even though my momma doesn’t anymore. I wish she did.”

“I wish she did too. I still love you and your mom.” Adam brushed her hair back. She looked like him. Morgan was definitely a Hardwick. Roxanne saw it because it was there all along.

“I wish you would come back to live with us.” Morgan whispered.

Adam’s eyes filled with tears. He couldn’t hold them back although he tried. He decided to let them freely flow from his eyes.

“Close your eyes and you can see me in your dreams.”

Adam covered Morgan’s eyes with his hand. Morgan closed her eyes. She fell back into a deep sleep. Adam rubbed Morgan’s cheek with his hand. He was going to miss her. He was going to miss his daughter. He had a kid out in the world that he couldn’t communicate with and there was absolutely nothing he could do about it.

He had thought long and hard about his options. He would never force Roxanne to accept him. He was well aware of the severity of his crime. He couldn’t expect her to forgive and forget. He just hoped.

He thought about how extremely difficult it would be for him to miss all of Morgan’s milestones. He vowed that at eighteen he would tell her the truth. But how? How would he tell her that he raped her mother? How would he tell her he placed himself in their lives with a web of deceit?

After an hour he left the hospital room. He wiped his eyes as he passed the nurse’s station. He waved to Eva and the other nurse Grace as they watched him leave. He was sure they felt sorry for him. They wouldn’t feel that way if they knew the truth. They would crucify him and it would be justified. He was a terrible person at one time and no amount of repentance could make up for the wrongs he had done to so many people.

Adam walked down the vacant halls of the hospital. He turned a corner en route to the elevator.

Roxanne strolled from the opposite direction. She noticed a familiar man with his head down. Adam turned the corner leading to the elevator.

Adam didn’t take notice of Roxanne. She stopped dead in her tracks and begun to follow Adam.

Adam pushed the down button near the elevator door. He waited, oblivious to Roxanne walking up slowly behind him.

The elevator doors opened and Adam stepped in. He walked to the corner of the elevator and pushed the G button. The doors begun to close and suddenly a hand reached in and stopped the elevator doors from closing.

Roxanne stepped in the elevator and Adam looked somewhat startled by her sudden appearance.

“What the hell are you doing here?” She yelled.

“Visiting. Calm down. Please.” Adam placed his palms out and patted the air.

Roxanne’s face became more enraged. Her eyes wished an ugly painful death on the man she once loved more than she wanted to ever remember.

“You better stay away from my daughter!”

“She’s my daughter too!” Adam had let his anger get the best of him.

Roxanne rushed toward Adam with a balled fist. She hit him hard across his cheek. The punch only grazed him. He grabbed Roxanne by both her arms. She struggled to get free but the tussle was pointless.

Adam let go of one of her arms. He pushed the button to suspend the movement of the elevator.

“Let me go! Let me go! Now!”

Adam released Roxanne completely. He took two hulking steps away from her.

“You’re not the only one hurting. I’m hurting too. My heart hurts without you in my life.” Adam produced a whimper that lacked sound.

“Adam you don’t get it. I don’t care. Leave us alone. Stay away from me. Stay away from Morgan.”

“I can’t do that. I love you. It hurts too much to be away from you. I know you love me too.” Adam impatiently waited for her response. Roxanne shook her head no. “Yes, yes you do. Tell me that you don’t love me? Look me in my eyes and tell me.”

“No you look at me and believe me when I say I do not love you. Our love was no love. Our love was a lie. Our love was a joke.”

“Don’t say that.”

“I want you to leave us alone and I hope you disappear out of our lives forever. I do hate you.”

Adam’s face looked defeated. He reached over and hit the button that resumed the downward motion of the elevator.

They both stood at opposite ends of the elevator glaring into each other’s eyes. There were no more words to say. The line had been drawn in the sand. Adam was speechless. She had ripped his heart out. Maybe she thought he didn’t have one but the feelings he had of utter despair proved her wrong.

The seconds of silence seemed like years. The elevator reached the ground level and the doors parted.

Adam was first to exit the elevator. He held the door open with his hand, a habit. He stared Roxanne directly into her red swollen eyes. He was tired of the thought of her consuming his every molecule.

“I’m gone...I will disappear out of your life forever. If you want me too.”

Adam looked down at the elevator floor. Roxanne wouldn’t leave the elevator. She didn’t want to get out. She didn’t want to walk past him. She was done with him and wished he would just disappear. He slowly looked up at Roxanne.

“Roxanne ...I love you.” He had told so many lies but those were the truest words he had ever said to her.

Adam stopped obstructing the door. He turned and sluggishly walked away from the elevator doors. The doors stood open a few seconds. Roxanne watched as Adam walked away.

Roxanne hated herself because deep down in her heart she knew she loved him too.

The elevator doors shut and Roxanne broke out into a frenzy of tears. She tried to catch her breath. She knew she could never see him again. She soon realized the elevator hadn’t moved because she never hit any buttons.

Adam made it to his Jeep. He sat in the drivers seat silent and completely still. He was staring at the front window at a concrete beam.

“BAM! BAM! BAM!” He was startled by the banging on his driver’s side window. He turned to see Roxanne there with rage in her eyes.

“GET OUT!” She yelled.

Adam opened the door and stepped out. Roxanne slapped him hard across the face. He didn’t move. He took the slap and felt the hot sting of her palm. Roxanne’s chest was heaving up and down. She had been running. She was winded.

“Roxy, you can hate me and love me. It’s okay to feel that way.” Adam looked deep into her eyes.

“I, I don’t understand. I, I, don’t know how to stop.”

“Loving me.” He finished her sentence. “I will never stop loving you. I just want to love you. That’s all I want to do.” Adam took a step toward Roxanne. “I can’t breathe without you.”

“Don’t say things like that.” Roxanne pleaded.

Adam reached up and cupped the back of Roxanne’s neck. She was paralyzed in her spot. “I love you. It’s okay to love me back.”

“Is it?” She asked as she looked up into his eyes.

“It’s okay to need me. I need you.” Adam wrapped his other hand around her waist.

“You need me.”

“Yes forever.” He pulled her into his embrace and pressed their bodies tightly together. He rocked Roxanne up on her toes.

“Forever.” Roxanne whispered as Adam pressed his lips to hers and took her into his mouth. All the hurt, tension and hate rushed from Roxanne’s body and made her weak. Adam held her up as he passionately kissed the lips that he craved and missed for so long.

Roxanne was so tired of fighting against her own feelings. It was exhausting. She couldn’t do it anymore. She had to go with her heart instead of her head. Her head said
hate him
and her heart said,
love him
. Her heart won the battle.