A Clean Break (Gay Amish Romance Book 2) (10 page)

They watched Aaron go, weaving easily around the tables and racks of clothing, where garments dangled from vain hangers that were forbidden in Zebulon. A new song about blowing a whistle blared, and David took in what seemed like an acre of choices. He hadn’t been in a big store like this since he was a kid in Red Hills and they’d visited the Walmart once in a while.

Other shoppers milled around the store, confidently pushing their carts along the aisles. Target seemed to sell just about everything, from food to clothing to lawn mowers. It was certainly far grander than the highway grocery store near Zebulon.

Isaac glanced around uneasily. “How do you even know where to start? There’s so much.”

“I don’t know.” David looked down at the jeans and hoodie he was wearing. “June bought my English clothes for me.” He drank more of his coffee, clutching the paper cup as though it was some kind of anchor. “Okay. We like T-shirts, right?” He pointed to a table covered in folded cotton.

  As he caught their reflection in one of the long mirrors nearby, he thought about the night before in their room, and a thrill sparked through him like a flame to tinder. David couldn’t wait to get back there. He wanted to hide away with Isaac for days.

But he couldn’t, and as he poked through the dizzying sea of clothing—and this was only what to
wear
—his headache returned. His stomach churned as he remembered the letter he needed to write. On the bus ride he’d pushed it out of his mind with silent promises that he’d write Mother as soon as they arrived. But now it was his second day in San Francisco.

“How about this?” Isaac asked, holding up a pale blue shirt with buttons up the front. “Except for the buttons, I guess it’s kind of Amish looking. I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing.”

“I don’t know either.” David pushed a hanger aside on a rack of thin sweaters. He rubbed the material between his fingers. It didn’t feel like wool.
What am I going to say to Mother? Will she even read it?
Running a hand through his hair, he sighed.

“Are you okay?” Isaac’s eyebrows drew together.

“My head hurts. It’s nothing.”

But Isaac still frowned. “Tell me.”

David didn’t want to lie, and if anyone would understand, it was Isaac. He glanced around, even though with the music booming no one would hear him even if they wanted to. “I’m thinking about the letter I have to write. I should have done it yesterday.”

Isaac fiddled with the arm of a sweatshirt. “Me too. I feel like, one minute everything’s great and exciting, and the next I’m thinking about home, and my belly hurts.” He glanced at a man nearby who was pawing through jackets, and then snagged David’s hand. “We’ll figure it all out.”

Nodding, David squeezed Isaac’s fingers. The more he thought about it, the more jittery he became, so he cleared his mind.
Later. It could all wait until later.

“Underwear mission accomplished,” Aaron announced as he suddenly appeared.

Isaac and David ripped their hands apart, and David shoved his into his jean pockets.

“Geez, if you guys are going to go around looking that guilty, people are going to think you’re shoplifting. Stealing, I mean.” Aaron gave them both an affectionate shake. “It’s okay to hold hands. You can kiss each other too. This is San Francisco. I promise no one’s going to care.”

The thought of
kissing
Isaac in public seemed absolutely insane. “I…we…”

Aaron smiled. “I’m not saying you have to. Just that you don’t need to be afraid Bishop Yoder will appear out of thin air to yell Bible passages at you.” He clapped his hands. “So what did you pick out?”

“Um…” Isaac picked up a gray T-shirt. “This?”

Aaron chuckled. “Okay, that’s a good start. You know you can wear colors now, though. Not if you don’t want to, but don’t be afraid to try.”

“There’s just so
much
,” Isaac said.

“It’s a little overwhelming, huh? I remember standing in a store like this for an hour like a lost duckling before I even touched anything. I might as well have been shopping on the moon. But a saleswoman took pity and helped me figure out my size. Isaac, you’re probably a medium, and David a large, although it’ll depend on the store and the brand.”

“The sizes aren’t the same everywhere?” Isaac asked, frowning.

“You’d think they would be, but not even close sometimes. Hey, Isaac—go grab a few of those jackets. If there’s one thing you’ll need in San Francisco, it’s a jacket.”

As Isaac scurried away, David looked through the T-shirts on the table, this time choosing a large in dark purple.

“This can be fun, you know.” Aaron nudged his shoulder. “It’s allowed.”

“I know.” David tried to smile. “It’s just…”

“What?” Aaron tilted his head.

“Here I am having
fun
, and my mother and sisters are alone. It was my duty to provide for them. It
is
my duty. Your father’s still alive, and Ephraim and Nathan can take care of the men’s work if they had to. There are only so many quilts my mother can sell to English people who happen along.”

Aaron shook his head. “I really wish Zebulon would do more business with the English. If they were allowed to go to the markets… Bishop Yoder is making it so much more difficult. Abigail says she hears some families in Zebulon are barely getting by.”

David folded and refolded one of the T-shirts. “It’s hard just having enough to eat sometimes. It’s winter, and even though the girls canned in the fall, they won’t have anything growing in the gardens for months. Never mind the hospital bills, even though the community is helping.” Bile rose in his throat, and he swallowed hard.

“I understand how you must feel. I know you already left all the money you’d saved to give to your family. David, you’ve done all you can. The community won’t let them suffer.”

“But…” It was true, wasn’t it? They’d be all right without him. They had to be.

“You’re young, David. You’re what, twenty-two? I know by Amish standards you’re all grown up, and that you had to be the man when your father died. You’ve taken on so much responsibility. It’s time to put yourself first for a change. You deserve it.”

Deserve
. David unfolded another T-shirt as his mind clattered around like buggy wheels. He’d failed to save his father’s life that day in the fields, and he’d failed to protect Mother and Mary from being out on the snowy road. And hadn’t he done so because he
had
put his own needs first? It had been his idea to go to the motel that day.

His throat was dry. “I’m not as selfless as you think.”

“You don’t have to be selfless. You’re barely getting started. I want you to enjoy it. Experience new things. Explore the world. Explore who you
are
. There’s so much to discover. Try not to worry so much. I know—it’s easier said than done.”

He nodded. “I’ll try. Thank you.”

Aaron clapped a hand on David’s shoulder. “Remember that if there’s one thing the Amish have going for them, it’s that they take care of their own. Your family will be just fine.”

While the English way of touching casually would still take getting used to, David soaked up the warmth of Aaron’s hand. He had to pray that the community and the Lord would care for his family. He’d prayed that morning, and he’d plead for it every chance he had.

He watched Isaac looking through the coats intently, his tongue between his teeth. A swell of affection thickened David’s throat, and his eyes prickled. He didn’t deserve Isaac, but he’d be better. He’d earn it. He’d disappointed his family bitterly, but he wouldn’t fail Isaac. Never. He’d keep Isaac safe and happy here in the world no matter what. As Isaac returned with his arms full, David concentrated on breathing evenly and smiling.

Aaron unzipped his jacket. “Do you guys like the shirt I’m wearing? It’s called a Henley. It’s basically a long-sleeved T-shirt. Goes well with jeans.”

“Uh-huh. Whatever you think,” Isaac said. He held up the jackets. “I got medium and large. A couple have hoods, and others don’t. I think a hood would be good?”

“Yep. A hood is always a good idea. Why don’t you go try on some underwear, and I’ll bring you some other clothes. The dressing rooms are right there.” Aaron handed over the plastic shopping bag. “There’s a recycling can there for your coffee cups if you’re done. The blue container.”

A middle-aged man stood at a counter by the dressing rooms, folding an enormous stack of shirts. “Good morning. How many?”

“Uh.” David glanced at Isaac. “There are two of us.”

The man stopped in mid-fold and peered at them with a furrow between his brows. “I meant how many things are you trying on?”

“Oh. Hold on.” David counted the jackets in Isaac’s arms. “Eight.”

“Four each, then?”

“Sure.”

The man smiled quizzically. “Where are you boys from? I can’t quite place it.”

“Minnesota,” Isaac answered.

David had a feeling it was their German accents the man was hearing. “We just moved here. We lived on a farm.”

“My brother’s getting more clothes for us. But we need to try on underwear first.” Isaac pointed to the plastic bag. “He already bought it, though.”

The man handed them plastic tags with the number four. “All right. Just go ahead and we’ll work it all out.” He waved an arm toward the hallway of dressing rooms with a bench at the end.

They reminded David of stalls in a barn, but obviously smaller. He and Isaac went all the way to the end, and David was sure he could feel the man’s gaze on them. He wished they could share a room, but they didn’t look big enough. He opened the shopping bag and examined the contents before giving Isaac the smaller sizes.

Isaac took the room on one side of the narrow hallway, and David the other. He could still hear the ever-present music, which he supposed was better than silence, since he felt incredibly self-conscious all of a sudden.

After hanging up his hoodie, David perched on the little stool in the corner and removed his sneakers. He peeled off his T-shirt and with a deep breath, stood and pulled down his jeans. The air felt cool against his cock and balls, and he was acutely aware of how many strangers there were just beyond the flimsy dressing rooms.

He grabbed the first package in the bag and ripped it open. They were briefs of different colors, and he chose the white ones. He wasn’t sure if the size was right, since they felt tight as he pulled them up. They seemed to fit around the waist, but they squished everything else together, his privates bulging against the cotton even more than the man’s in the picture.

“Isaac?” he whispered. “Have you tried any on?”

“Boxers. They feel strange. What about you?”

“Briefs. Definitely strange.”

“Show me.”

“I’m not going out there! Someone might see,” David hissed.

“Just open your door and I’ll open mine. On three. One, two—”

His pulse racing foolishly, David listened to the creak of Isaac’s door and edged his open. Sure enough, he could see right into Isaac’s dressing room. Isaac stood in nothing but the little shorts, which were decorated in squares of greens and blues.

Isaac’s gaze raked over David, and he swallowed hard. “You look…”

“Silly?” David peered over his shoulder into the mirror. He could see the faint shadow of the crease in his backside through the cotton. “They’re so tight! I know this is the way they’re supposed to be, but…”

“You need to buy those.”

“Huh? Aaron already bought them.”

Isaac shook his head. “Right. I forgot.” He peeked down the hallway before adding, “You look really,
really
good.”

“Oh.” David flushed as he looked down at himself. “You think so?”

Isaac nodded vigorously. “You look like the man in the picture.”

Even though he was standing there practically naked—and practically in public, even though no one could see—confidence surged through David. “You should try them too. The boxers look good, but…” He could imagine how the tight cotton would hug Isaac’s lean hips, and—

As the man at the counter began speaking, they both jumped and slammed their doors. David leaned against it, heart thumping. He stared into the mirror, suddenly feeling unbearably exposed and
wrong
.

Aaron’s voice echoed from down the hallway. “Hey, man. My brother and his boyfriend are in there. They’re new around here and need clothes, so we’ll be here for a while. I practically filled the cart, so we’ll start with the jeans.”

As the man replied, David took a deep breath and blew it out.
Boyfriend
. Aaron had said it to a stranger like it was nothing at all. David couldn’t imagine what it would be like if he and Isaac didn’t have Aaron to help them. He’d thought he was so very worldly taking June’s truck to the drive-in and wearing jeans. Reading a dirty gay magazine from the gas station. What a joke—he barely knew anything.

Then Aaron’s voice was right outside the door. “You can only take eight items in at once, so I picked stuff for each of you. We’ll start with the pants.” He placed a few over the dressing room door. “I’ll sit out here and wait for the fashion show. David, I went a size smaller than the jeans you already have. And there are skinny leg, boot cut, dark wash—actually, never mind that. Just try ‘em on and see what you like.”

David could barely get his feet through the bottom of the legs, so he hoped they were the skinny ones, as he couldn’t imagine anything skinnier. The dark denim hugged his thighs, and he wasn’t sure he’d be able to bend over. There were two mirrors in the stall, and he looked at himself from all the angles.

The shame evaporated, and energy pulsed through him as if the music in the air was singing inside him. It was frightening, but exhilarating. With his bare chest and the jeans clinging to his body, he could almost be an English rock star, or someone in a movie. He’d never looked so different in his life. So very
not
Amish. He ran his hand down his chest and belly, and then lightly over his fly. He still wore the briefs, and he tingled.

“How’s it going, David?” Aaron asked.

With a deep breath, David opened the door. He grinned. “Not bad.”