A Class Apart (40 page)

Mr Winston sat back in his chair. Ashley looked into his face, her eyes pleading with him to tell her what she should do. For the past twenty-four hours she had struggled to come to a decision, but it was hopeless; she was no nearer now to knowing what she wanted than she had been when Keith and Julian had confronted her. In the end she had turned to the old man.

He picked up his glass and shook his head. “It’s not easy,” he said. “Not easy at all.”

“I know.”

“And such a short time in which to decide.”

Ashley nodded, and looked into his kind, old face, so full of wisdom and understanding.

“Do you really love them both?”

“Right now I don’t know if I love either of them.”

“Then the answer seems plain to me.”

She looked at him.

“Don’t marry either of them. Not until you’re sure.”

“But Julian . . .”

“Julian must make his own decisions,” said Mr Winston. “He cannot, and should not, rely on you to do it for him. If he doesn’t want to marry Blanche, then that is his look-out.”

“But what if he does marry her, and then I decide that I want him?”

“Difficult, I admit. But as you are incapable of making up your mind now, that is something that you’ll have to face, should it happen.”

“Do you think it will?”

“How can I say?”

“And what if it’s too late?”

“I don’t think it will be.”

“But how can you know that?”

“I can’t. But fate usually has a way of working these things out.”

“I wish fate could tell me the answers now.”

“Fate might well be telling you the answer now,” he said. “It’s just that you’re too confused to see it.”

“What do you mean?”

“Only what I said. Probably the answer is there, somewhere, but you won’t let it out.”

“But I want to,” she said. “Really, I want to.”

“Then think about it.”

She shook her head. “All I know is that right now the only thing I want is to go as far away from it all as I can.”

He shrugged. “Then maybe you do have your answer.”

“But isn’t that running away?”

“Depends how you look at it. Keith will wait, come what may. He is in no particular hurry. And as I said, Julian must make up his own mind. It seems to me that he is hedging his bets somewhat.”

“Hedging his bets?”

“He hasn’t broken his engagement with Blanche, has he?”

“No.”

“Then he is hedging his bets. If you won’t have him, then he’ll always have Blanche. Whatever, he is determined he is not going to be left with no one.”

“I never looked at it like that.”

“No. And I daresay he didn’t either. But that’s what he’s doing.”

“Is that wrong?”

“What do you think?”

“I think it is,” she said.

“Of course it is. He is too weak to make a decision himself, so he is trying to push you into making it for him.”

“And you don’t think I should.”

“It’s up to you what you do. But I don’t think you want to make the decision right now. Now, if he were already free, it might look different.”

Ashley thought about that. “Yes, it probably would. But he isn’t.”

“No. So either he has to give up Blanche, and wait on your decision.”

“Or?”

“Or, one way or another, he could make four people very unhappy.”

“Should I speak to him again?”

“If you like. But I don’t think you will change anything, not now. Julian sounds to me like someone who plays his cards very close to his chest. He will see to it that he doesn’t come out completely on the losing side.”

“I’ve never thought about him in this light before,” she said.

“Maybe he’s never shown himself in this light before. People always change with circumstances,” and she wished Mr Winston could have been there to hear her say it.

“But what about Keith?”

“What about Keith?”

“He’s waiting for an answer too.”

“Well, you’ve said yourself, you’re not ready to give an answer to either of them. If you can go away, I think it would be best.”

“For a holiday, you mean?”

“Or longer.”

Ashley thought hard, then suddenly she realized what the old man was saying. He was the only one she had ever dared mention it to. “Do you mean . . .?”

He smiled. “Yes, I do mean.”

Until now it had only been a dream, but maybe, just maybe, it was the answer she was looking for. It need only be for a short while. A year, perhaps two. She would have to think about it.

“Would you like some more coffee?”

Ashley nodded, and smiled. “Yes, I’d like some more coffee. And how about a nightcap too?”

Mr Winston chuckled. “Now you’re talking,” he said, and signalled for the waiter.

The following morning Ashley rang Julian. “I’d like to talk to you,” she said.

He hesitated. “Does that mean that you’ve made a decision?”

“Yes, I think I have. But I must talk it over with you first.”

“Are you going to tell me anything now?”

“No, I want you to come round.”

“You’re at home, I take it?”

“Yes.”

“OK. I’ll be there in an hour. And Ashley . . .”

“Yes?”

“Whatever your decision, I still mean everything I said the other night.”

“I know,” she said. “See you in an hour.”

She hung up, and looked down at the phone, glad that the call was over. She had sat up practically half the night, thinking of nothing else, and now, for the first time in months, she felt strong. At long last she had regained control of her life; she could once again see things clearly, and not through the mist of loneliness and rejection she had shrouded herself in. This odd and unexpected twist in fate had renewed her lease on life, and silently she thanked Mr Winston for helping her to see the way.

She looked in the mirror, and studied her face. Now she was going to live her life the way she wanted to once more. Goodbye to the heartache, and goodbye to the weak indecisive woman who had staggered her way through the first pan of the year. And welcome to the woman she truly was, the woman of character. She laughed. Yes, she was one of the class apart, as Jenneen had called them. She qualified. Now more than ever, she qualified.

While she waited for Julian she rang Kate. There was no reply. She toyed with the idea of ringing Ellamarie, but decided against it – Ellamarie always slept late the morning after a performance. She made a mental note to call round at Kate’s later, and then tried ringing Jenneen at the studio. She was out filming, and not expected back that day.

Sitting beside the window, looking out over Onslow Square, Ashley contemplated her future. Things were going to be so different from now on, and she was excited. She was glad it was spring. Spring heralded new beginnings, and there was going to be so much to do in the coming weeks. She pondered a while over how everyone would react when she told them her news.

The hour slipped past quickly, and soon Julian was knocking on the door. He eyed her warily as she opened the door, and she could tell by his face that he already knew that she was not going to say what he wanted to hear.

“Coffee?” she said, following him into the lounge.

“No thanks.”

“Sit down,” she offered, clearing the newspapers from the settee.

He sat down, and waited.

“Well,” she said, nervous despite herself, “I’ve arrived at a decision.”

“Have you told Keith yet?”

“No, not yet. I wanted to talk to you first. In fact this all hangs on you rather.”

He raised an eyebrow, and waited for her to go on.

“I’ve been awake most of the night, and I’ve thought this through very carefully. It wasn’t an easy decision to reach, but I think it’s the best one, the only one, under the circumstances.”

“I have a feeling I’m not going to like this.”

“No,” she said. “No, I don’t think you will. But I need your help, and I am relying on you to give it.”

“I’m not making any promises.”

“You don’t have to, not yet anyway.”

She took a deep breath, and braced herself. “I’ve decided that I want to take the position of Executive Vice-President at Frazier, Nelmes in New York.”

Julian’s face was incredulous. His eyes were so wide she thought they were going to burst from his face. “Are you serious?”

“Quite serious.”

“Do you know what you’re saying?”

“I know exactly what I’m saying.”

“But Ashley, I’m asking you to marry me and you tell me that you want to go to New York. What kind of an answer is that?”

“It’s the only answer I can give, Julian. I’m sorry, I know it’s not what you want to hear, but I’ve made up my mind. I have to have some time to myself, to find myself again, and the only way I can do that is to get right away.”

“But it’s a bit drastic, isn’t it? New York?”

“It might seem so to you, but it’s what I want to do. You’ve already half promised me promotion in London. What I’m asking is the same promotion, but in New York. If you want to help me, then you can. If you don’t, well, then I suppose I’ll have to think again. But I don’t think you’ll let me down. Will you?”

“I don’t know,” he said. “I have to be honest, when I came here the other night, I thought that it would all be so easy. I thought that you still loved me, and I knew that I still loved you. I thought that it would be as simple as that. But now, I just don’t understand you. In fact I wonder if I’ve ever understood you.”

She smiled. “People always change with circumstances.” and she wished Mr Winston could have been there to hear her say it.

Julian stood up and started to pace the room.

“Are you sure you wouldn’t like some coffee?”

“Sure,” he said, distractedly. “Look, Ashley, this is no answer, you know. You’re running away. If you love either of us, I just don’t see how you can do it.”

She felt annoyed. He was only thinking of himself, again. “And I just don’t see how you can try and push me around the way you are. You come back into my life, four days before you’re going to be married, and tell me that you love me. Not only that, you tell me that I only have to say the word, and you will call your wedding off and marry me. What was I supposed to do, Julian? Was I supposed to fall at your feet in gratitude? Was I supposed to run into your arms, and tell you that I loved you, and that everything would be all right? Well, life isn’t as simple as that. You hurt me, you hurt me very deeply before Christmas. Did you think about me then?”

“You know I did.”

“No,” she said. “No, I don’t know that you did. You just walked out of my life, and never came back.”

“You made me promise never to call you.”

“Oh Julian,” she sighed. “People in love are always breaking promises. You can’t use that as an excuse.”

“Look,” he said, going to sit beside her. “What if I call it all off with Blanmche? Now. I’ll ring her from here, and tell her. I can’t lose you, Ashley. I just can’t bear to think of it. I love you. OK, I know it’s taken me a long time to realize it, but I know it now. What do you say? Shall I call her now? Will that put an end to this madcap scheme of yours?”

“Don’t be fatuous, Julian!” she snapped. “And if you could even consider calling Blanche, and from here of all places, to tell her that the whole thing is off, then I really never knew you at all. And as for my madcap scheme, as you like to call it, my mind is quite made up. I want to go to New York, and the sooner the better.”

“But what about Alex? Have you thought about him?”

“I’ve thought about Alex more than either of you. But he will be going away to boarding school in September. He can come over to New York for his holidays, and I will come over to see him as often as I can. And, I hope you don’t mind, but I have decided to sell the Mercedes, which will give me a good sum of money to start me off. I can rent out my flat here, there are always people looking for good accommodation in this area.”

“God, you really have thought this through, haven’t you?”

“Yes.”

“Just tell me one thing, Ashley. I know it won’t make any difference now, but I’d like to know all the same. Do you still love me?”

She looked at him, and she saw the sadness in his eyes. Now she regretted being so firm, maybe she could have broken it to him a little more gently. After all, he was prepared to throw up almost everything for her, and she was now rejecting him out of hand.

“I don’t know,” she answered, truthfully. “I thought I did. And, like you, I thought that if you did ever come back to me, that I would fall into your arms, and welcome you back. But now it has happened, well, all I can say is that my decision has surprised me as much as it has surprised you.”

“Is there anything I can say to make you change your mind?”

She shook her head. “No, Julian. Please, don’t even try.”

He looked defeated, and she reached out and took his hand. “I’m sorry, I never wanted to hurt you, truly I never.”

“I know,” he said. And the whole situation suddenly seemed too bitterly ironic for words.

She stood up. “I do need to know, though, if you are going to help me.”

He looked up at her, and although they were sad there was a smile in his eyes. “I’ve always underestimated you. I suppose that’s been half the trouble.”

She smiled. “Now you’re keeping me in suspense.”

“For the sheer cheek of it I ought to say no,” he said. “Giving yourself promotion, no, demanding promotion, and in New York too. It’s a big world out there, Ash, you do realize that, don’t you?”

“I’m prepared to take my chances.”

“And what about Conrad? Have you thought that he might want to have something to say in the matter?”

“I’m sure he will. But you can make him see it your way.”