A Broken Us (London Lover Series Book 1) (19 page)

Brody and I walk back to the house hand in
hand. I can’t believe I only have two more nights with him. My heart already
aches at the idea of him leaving.

He’s making it completely impossible for me to
open the front door because he’s standing directly in front of it, kissing me
like his life depends on it. I reach around his hips and fumble the key into
the door. “I’ll race you to my room,” I whisper into his ear. He whips the door
open behind him and we both fall into the house. I kick off my wedges and start
sprinting up the steps. He stops directly in front of me and I smack into his
back and fall to the side, whacking my elbow on the railing.

“OW! Damn it!” I say, giggling and rubbing my
elbow.

He stops and cages me in against the railing.

“Poor baby,” he says, and bends over to kiss
it. “And poor loser.”

He runs up the steps again. I laugh and race up
after him.

When I get to the third floor, he’s breathing
heavily against my bedroom door, but his smile has faded. The only way to
describe his look right now is…desire.

I walk up to him, my chest rising and falling
as I attempt to catch my breath.

His expression turns serious as he looks down
at my shirt. He grabs the zipper and pulls it down slowly. The zipping sound is
loud in the quiet hallway. When he spreads my shirt open, revealing my sheer
teal bra, he smiles knowingly as my chest rises for very different reasons now.

He quickly claims my mouth with his soft lips
and we shed all of our clothes, frantically pushing through the doorway and
onto the mattress.

After working me up to a state of fervor with
his magical fingers, he sits back for a moment on his knees and grabs a condom
out of his wallet in his jeans pocket.
 

“I love you so much, Finley. I love
us
so much,” he says, as he situates
himself on top of me.

I didn’t have the heart earlier to tell him not
to bother buying them, and right now all I want is him inside of me. He rolls
it on himself and enters me slowly and holds still inside of me. I lift my head
off the pillow and he threads his fingers through my hair and grips a handful,
tightly.

“Brody!” I cry, rocking my hips against him,
begging for him to move inside of me.

He tilts his head and looks at me seriously,
and then begins thrusting in and out of me at a slow, leisurely pace. I grab
his hair roughly, desperate for more movement, desperate for a release.
Desperate for everything.

He pulls me up by my waist as he sits back on
his knees and lets me ride him. He gently lifts his butt up and down as I
swivel against him. He groans loudly in response.

“Yeah, baby, just like that. Move just like
that. I love how you do it just like that.”

I work myself into a fervor watching his erotic
facial expressions. Every once in a while he looks straight into my eyes with
all the adoration in the world and it’s enough to break my heart. I feel a tear
slip down my cheek and I shake it away.

His brow furrows and he rubs his thumb over my
damp face.

“Baby,” he says.

“Stay with me, Brody,” I cry out softly into
the room.

“Of course, Finley. I’ll always stay with you,”
he says, looking at me with a slight look of alarm.
 

“No, I mean it, Brody,” I say, stopping my
motion on top of him, “I need you to promise you’ll stay with me,” I swallow. “No
matter what.”

He’s looking at me, concerned now.

“What is it, baby? Tell me,” he says, pushing
my long brown hair out of my face and dropping a soft kiss to my lips.

“I can’t, Brody.” I shake my head and two more
tears slip their way down my cheeks. I hug him and bury my face into his
shoulder to prevent him from looking at me.

“Why are you crying, Finley?” he says,
obviously anxious now, while stroking my back.

I can’t take his comfort. It’s too much. Air
rushes out of my mouth as I fight a sob back. My body starts to tremble in his
arms.
 

“Please, Finley. Tell me. I can’t handle this
anymore,” he says as he pulls me away from his shoulder with both hands on my
cheeks. “What can’t you do?”

“I can’t have a baby,” I cry, my voice cracking
at the end. I close my eyes tight unable to find the strength to see his
reaction.

“I don’t understand, Finley,” he says, shaking
his head and dropping two more feather-light kisses on my face.

I muster up the strength to open my eyes and
say my piece, “I met with a doctor, Brody. A fertility doctor. He told me…he
told me to look into…adoption.” Just saying that word out loud stings because
it feels so final. “They did tests, Brody! Tons of shitty, horrifying tests. He
told me my body can’t have children and there was nothing they could do to help
us. We’d be fighting a losing battle if we kept trying.”

Brody’s hands grip my arms and he moves me off
of him, shaking his head, confusingly.

“You did all of this without me?” he asks,
raking his hand through his curls and turning away from me.

I rush over and perch on my knees beside him,
holding onto his arm.

“I couldn’t tell you, Brody! I knew it was me,
I could feel it in my bones…something was wrong with
my
body.” I look at him, pleadingly, urging him to look back at me,
to no avail.

“I was embarrassed! Ashamed, I don’t know. I
just knew I had to
know
the truth I
was feeling in my heart.”

He shakes his head, continuing to look at the
floor.

“I can’t believe you. Why are you only telling
me this now?” he asks, with an eerie calm to his voice.

I let go of his arm and sit back on my butt,
wrapping my arms around my legs. “Because you need to know why I left, Brody.
This was why I left
us
. I can’t do
it. I can’t give you a baby. I’m less of a woman. And right now,” I say,
looking up into his eyes, intensely, “Even right now, I’m terrified of that
look on your face. You want out of this now, don’t you? Now that you know the
truth, you don’t want me! That’s why I left; I didn’t want to wait around for
you to just leave…leave me!” My voice is quaking.

“You,” he sighs, deeply, closing his eyes. “You
left because you thought I wouldn’t want you if you couldn’t give me a baby?”

I shrug my shoulders, “I know how important it
is to you, Brody. Babies, a family, all of it. It was our dream. It was all we
talked about. Our own little
us
baby.
It’s all I ever dreamed of with you and the fact that I can never give you that
was too much for me to handle, Brody! It was too much, I was too hurt. I
couldn’t stomach…”

“You couldn’t stomach what?” he barks.

My head snaps up to see his stony expression.

“I couldn’t stomach the idea of you not wanting
me anymore once you learned the truth! I couldn’t stomach the idea of you
looking at me the way you are now!” I say hurriedly.

He lets out a hard huff of air and stands up.

“What are you doing, Brody?” I ask.

He’s shaking his head and I can see the anger
vibrating off his body. He grabs his pants and puts his legs through the holes.
He huffs again as he pulls the condom off and drops it on the floor.

“Brody! Speak!” I cry.

“If I speak right now, I’ll fucking
ruin
you, Finley!” he roars at me, and I
flinch at the volume of his voice in my small, quiet room.

“You promised, Brody! You said you’d stay with
me! I begged you to stay with me!” I cry again, standing up and holding the
sheet to my chest, feeling suddenly embarrassed of my body.

“That was before I knew you thought so little
of me, that you’d think I’d fucking
leave
you if you couldn’t give me a child. God, Finley! It’s like you don’t even know
me!” he snaps, as he finishes buttoning his shirt and throws his clothes into
his suitcase.

“What are you doing? Why are you packing?” I
ask, my voice rising alarmingly high.

“I’m leaving, Finley.”

“Your flight doesn’t leave for two days!”

He marches across the hall into the bathroom
and grabs his toothbrush and throws that in with everything.

“Seriously, Brody, where are you going?” I ask
again.

He stops what he’s doing and swerves around to
face me, bending slightly so he’s eye-level with me.

“I’d rather spend two days in the fucking
airport than sleep under the same roof as you again,” he says, his eyes glaring
into mine. “I’m sure you understand since I’m basically a piece of shit in your
eyes.”

“No, Brody! I never said that! It wasn’t you,
it was me!” I cry.

“The
not
you, it’s me
speech, huh? That’s great, Finley. That makes me feel so much
better,” he says, wheeling his suitcase out the door.

I scramble off the bed and rush over to the door
as he pauses at the top of the staircase.

“Brody, I can’t. I don’t…I just…” I drop to my
knees in the doorway at a loss for what to say or do to make him stay.

He looks back at me, “You’ve ruined us, Fin.
Us
doesn’t even exist anymore. This is
all on you.”
 

He turns on his heel and stomps down the steps
and out of the house. I consider throwing clothes on and running after him, but
my heart is too busy shattering into a million pieces. I scream loudly and slam
my bedroom door. My greatest fear should have never been that Brody would leave
me because I couldn’t give him a baby. It should have been that he would leave
me because he found out that’s how low I thought of him. This is completely my
fault. I don’t even know how to fix this anymore. He’s right. I’ve broken us.

I crawl back onto my mattress and cry the
ugliest cry I’ve ever cried.

***

“Finley, come on. You have to come out
eventually.” Leslie is shouting and banging on my door.

“Fin-Bin, love. I miss my leggy brunette.
Please, come and say hello. You can even come out naked,” Frank coos loudly
through the door.

I can’t move. I can’t function. I can’t do
anything that requires any type of effort. My face feels tight from the massive
amount of tears that dried on it last night. I pray hard it was all a bad dream
but based on the fact that I’m still naked, I know better.

I grab my phone to see if Brody has replied to
my hundreds of calls or texts.
Nothing.
My heart burns at the sight of my phone’s background. A
selfie
we snapped on our walk yesterday: He’s nipping at my cheek and I’m laughing. I
look so happy. I have no clue who that girl is anymore.

“Finley, please, honey. I think you should talk
to us,” Leslie says.

I drop my phone down and look around the room.
I see Brody’s white t-shirt rumpled below the mattress. I sit up and pick it up
off the floor. I can’t even help myself, I take a big whiff of it and tears
overcome me again. It smells like Brody. Clean and manly. Safe and protective.
I pull it over my head and stand up to go look out the window.

“Seriously, Finley. You have to at least say
something…anything, so I know you’re alive in there,” Leslie’s voice says, in a
definite tone.

After staring at the empty skate park for a few
seconds and drying my tears, a coldness creeps over me. I trudge over to the
door and pull it open, right in the middle of Frank’s eighteenth knock in the
last twenty minutes.

Frank looks more serious than I’ve ever seen
him. He’s wearing a huge knitted-sweater, a good two sizes too big for him, and
skinny dark denim jeans. Leslie looks great, as always, in a short black
sweater dress with a thick brown belt notched tightly at her waist. I’m
standing there in an oversized men’s t-shirt. I feel like shit.

They both look at me, expectantly.

“You guys look great,” I say, flatly, walking
into the bathroom and shutting the door on them. I can hear them both shuffle
around outside the bathroom door.
 

“You guys can hear me peeing right now, can’t
you?” I ask.

Silence.
 

“I know you guys are standing right outside the
door,” I say, in a dead tone.

“We’re worried about you, Finny,” Frank says.

I flush and wash my hands and open the door
again to their same expectant faces.

“I’m going out for some air,” I say, walking
past them.

“Finley, you forgot pants,” Leslie says.

“Correct,
Lez
. Two
points,” I reply, continuing my descent down the steps.

I glance into the living room and see Mitch and
Julie cozied up on the couch.
Good for
fucking them. I bet she can have babies too.
I sneer at them and turn to
walk out the front door.

“For fuck’s sake Finley, you don’t have any
trousers on! Or shoes!” Frank barks from the doorway, but I ignore him.

The brisk fall breeze on my bare legs feels
sensational. I luck out to no traffic on the road and walk across to the skate
park.

“Damn it, Finley!” Leslie shouts at me.

They both run across the street after me and I
stand at the gated entrance into the skate park, threading my hands through the
chain link fence and pulling back as hard as I can. I can feel the cold metal
cut into my hands and I relish in the pain. It’s a small, microscopic break
from the pain in my heart.

“For the love of God, Finley. This is
ridiculous! Get back inside, now. That t-shirt barely covers anything on you!”
Leslie scolds.

I shake my head and turn to look at her and
Frank. Their expressions are so concerned and visibly upset that I glare back
at them.

“What do you guys have to be upset about? You
have no worries. Nothing. Your lives are carefree right now.”

“I don’t know about that,” Frank says. “Cos I’m
currently chasing down a leggy brunette who is wearing nothing but a thin white
t-shirt, and I’m fucking gay! I’d say this is a bad fucking Tuesday for me!”

I shake my head back at Frank, not amused.

“Finley, I know Brody left and I’m so sorry,
honey. But you have to come inside,” Leslie says, approaching me with her
hands.

I jump back from her.

“Don’t touch me. Don’t…just don’t. I can’t take
any comfort right now, Leslie. I don’t deserve it. Comfort right now…comfort
will…
wreck
me,” I say, my lip
trembling.

“You should be wrecked right now, Finley.
You’ve had a crap hand dealt to you and shit…I don’t know,” she says, running
her hands through her auburn bob. “Damn! You’re only human, Finley! There’s
only so much you can take. I guess I’d rather see you wrecked right now than
running around outside half naked, acting all cold and detached. This isn’t my
Finley. My Finley is warm, and funny, and emotional. I need you to let me help you,
Finley, because I can’t fathom how you…I can’t…” she stops, tears forming in
her eyes.

I shake my head back and forth and blink hard
with a big puff of air bursting from my chest. My vision of Frank and Leslie
blur as my eyes fill to the top with tears.

“Can’t what? Have a baby? Children? I lost him,
Leslie!” I cry out loudly and squeeze my eyes tight, allowing the unshed tears
to fall out.

“I screwed everything up and I lost him
anyways. I can’t have a baby. I can’t have Brody. I can’t fucking let you help
me!” I scream, crumpling onto the ground.

Frank and Leslie rush over and kneel beside me,
their hands hovering over me, unsure if they should touch me.

“I don’t give a toss what you think you can’t
handle right now, Finny,” Frank pulls me into his arms and hugs me hard,
stroking his hand down the back of my hair.

“I just don’t understand,” I cry, in a squeaky
raspy tone. “I don’t understand why this is happening.”

Leslie’s arms band around me next and I feel
her shaking, silently crying along with me. I feel Frank’s hand slip under my
legs and he lifts me and carries me back toward the house. I bury my face into
his comforting cinnamon smell, unwilling to look around and see how many people
are watching me right now.
 

“Frank,” I say his name, crying, as he deposits
me onto the couch in the living room. His bright green eyes look so sad and
despondent. I feel terrible for causing that look on his face. Mitch and Julie
jump up out of the love seat right next to the couch and I look at them, completely
embarrassed. Without a word, Mitch leaves and comes back in with a hot cup of
tea and Julie covers me with a fuzzy blanket.

“We need comedy…
I Love You, Man,
it is,” Leslie says, smiling at me and rummaging
in the DVD case by the fireplace.

“I’ll go make popcorn!” Julie cheers.

“Guys,” I croak. “It’s morning.”

They all pause to look at me.

“Pancakes then?” Julie asks.

“Stuff that,” Frank says, “make the popcorn,
Jules. Add extra butter and bring the chocolate too. Who gives a toss what time
it is?
 
Mitch, take that tea and
shove it up your
arse
…or go make it an Irish coffee.
On second thought, that might be easier. There’s Whiskey in the cupboard,” he
finishes, and sits down on top of my feet, rubbing my leg soothingly.

Mitch heads back into the kitchen for the
liquor and I smile kindly at my new little family. I attempt to let the funny
words of Paul Rudd drown my heartbreak, even if it is for just a couple hours.