A Baby for Easter (13 page)

He didn’t. He just stood there. So she said goodnight again
and opened the door.

And she was no closer to knowing what was going on between
her and Micah—or if there was anything real going on at all—at the end of the
evening than she’d been at the beginning of it.

The next day was Thursday, and Alice
had to work at the church in the morning. There was a lot going on for the next
few days at church, since Easter weekend was one of the busiest times of the
church calendar year.

Micah didn’t have to go in early that day, so she went to
the church office and worked for a couple of hours, and he brought Cara by
around ten on his way to his first job.

He was quiet and watchful rather than warm and friendly, and
she started to get nervous vibes at the shift. But they only spoke for a few
minutes, and she told herself not to jump to conclusions.

No sense in jumping to the worst conclusions, any more than
jumping to the best conclusions. She didn’t know anything yet.

She just hoped he’d be willing to talk about it, so they
could get it sorted out and she’d know what he was thinking about everything.

Better to know for sure—one way or the other—than to live in
this emotional limbo. She just didn’t want to break her third rule and corner
him into a conversation he wasn’t ready for, since she’d done that in the past
and ended up being engaged for two years to a man who didn’t want her.

She took Cara back to the house for the afternoon, and Micah
called to say that he’d be a little later than he’d expected. But then he asked
if she wanted to go to the Maundy Thursday service with him and Cara.

Instead of their church having services for both Maundy
Thursday and Good Friday, they collaborated with another local church. The
Maundy Thursday service was at the other church, and the Good Friday service at
theirs. Micah had to help out with logistics, so he had to go to both.

Alice had been originally planning to babysit, but they had
nursery provided, so there was no reason why she and Cara couldn’t go with him.
She was happy about the invitation, since it proved he wasn’t trying to get
some distance, which was one of the interpretations of his behavior she’d been tempted
to dwell on.

So she put on a nice top and black pants and was waiting
when he got home. She’d made a pot of vegetable soup, so, after telling her she
didn’t have to cook for him, he grabbed a bowl before he went up to shower and
change quickly.

He had to act as a greeter, so she took Cara to the nursery
when they got to the church. Ridiculously, she was a little nervous about
leaving Cara in the hands of someone else, especially since the baby still had
the sniffles.

Alice got over the irrational feeling, though, chatted with
a few people, and then found a seat in the sanctuary in a pew near the front behind
Daniel and Jessica.

Micah came to join her a few minutes after the service started,
and she noticed people looking over at them.

He wasn’t touching her or sitting really close, but it still
felt like they were a couple. She was sure people who saw them assumed they
were a couple—or quickly becoming one. Alice hoped it was true, but nothing had
been said between them, and she couldn’t assume anything based on nothing more
than one date, one kiss, and going to church together.

The service was sober and formal, and Alice made herself
focus on the remembrance of this last evening, this last supper, everything it
signified. She was partly successful, but she felt increasingly restless as the
hour continued. Micah seemed to have turned inward, as if he were barely aware
that she was beside him.

She wondered what he was thinking, what he was praying
about.

During the hymn between the homily and communion, she
murmured to Micah that she was going to check on Cara, mostly because she was
having trouble sitting still.

Alice realized it was a good idea when, even before she got
to the nursery, she heard Cara crying.

She hurried into the nursery and ran over to take Cara, whom
a helper had been holding. “Wouldn’t she stopped crying?” she asked.

“She’s been crying the whole time,” the helper told her. “Is
it her first time in a nursery?”

“Yeah. But she’s had a little cold, so maybe she’s still not
feeling good.”

She sat down in a rocker and cuddled Cara, whose cries
quieted a little but didn’t stop. She tried to feed her a bottle, but the baby
refused it. Alice felt her face, but it didn’t feel particularly hot.

The lead attendant of the nursery came over and said, “She
looks like she might be sick. She doesn’t have a fever, but maybe she has an
ear infection. They don’t know enough at that age to know where the pain is
coming from, so they just cry. You might want to take her to the doctor
tomorrow.”

“You don’t think we need to do something about it tonight,
do you?”

“I don’t think so. Not unless she gets worse.”

Alice kept rocking Cara, and she grew more worried, despite
the other woman’s assurances. Cara didn’t look like she was in horrible pain,
but she just wouldn’t settle down.

A few minutes later, the door to the nursery opened and
Micah appeared in the doorway. He took one look at Alice and Cara and
immediately strode over to them. “Is she okay?”

“I don’t know. She might have an ear infection.”

Micah knelt down next to the rocker and reached out to cup
Cara’s little face. “Do we need to take her to the doctor?”

“Tomorrow will be soon enough,” the attendant said, smiling
and walking over to them.
 
She looked
down on them with maternal understanding. “Babies get ear infections all the
time. Nothing to worry about.”

Micah didn’t look reassured. “Should we take her home?” He
was obviously asking Alice the question, as if she were some sort of expert on
what to do with infants with possible ear infections.

“Don’t you need to do something at the end of the service?”

“I can just tell Daniel I need to take off. They can find
someone else.”

“It’s up to you. I can just stay with her until the service
is over. It should just be another fifteen minutes.” She felt crowded and
exposed in the nursery, and she would be very glad to get home to take care of
Cara in peace. But the baby was Micah’s daughter, not hers, so he needed to
make the decision.

Micah’s eyes rested on Cara, who was squirming and whimpering.
“I’ll just tell him we need to leave.”

“Okay. Whatever you think is best.” She hugged Cara closer
to her, relieved that he’d made the same decision she would have made.

“I’ll just be a minute.”

“I’ll go ahead and get her in the car.”

She was hooking Cara into the car seat when Micah came out,
and the baby was crying again. Micah reached over to put a big hand on the
little cheek.

“I don’t think she has a fever,” Alice said.

“No. She doesn’t feel hot.” He stood next to the open door
of the car, looking down at his daughter.

Alice could see he was concerned, uncertain, helpless, and
she knew it was hard for him. He was used to being so perfectly competent in
everything he did. Something so out of his experience and knowledge-base must
be stretching him considerably. “I’ll sit in the back with her,” she said
gently.

“Okay. Thanks.” He reached down again and felt Cara’s cheek.
“Do you think she’ll be okay?

Alice gazed at his profile and the breadth of his shoulders
beneath his black dress shirt, and she had the sudden urge to cradle him. She
murmured, “I think so, but I just don’t know that much about babies. I’d call
my mom to see if she thought we should do something tonight, but they go to bed
at eight.” When he raised his eyebrows, she added, “They get up at forty-thirty
every morning.”

“Yeah. You shouldn’t wake them up.”

“Why don’t you call your mom? She had babies. She would
know.”

He looked down at her, not moving for a moment.

She reached up and put a hand on his chest. “Why don’t you
want to ask your mom for help?”

He made a face and glanced away from her.

“She thinks…” Alice paused and restarted. “She thinks you
think she’s ashamed of you, but she’s not.”

Micah’s eyes shot back to her face.

“She’s not,” she said softly, realizing he needed to hear
this. “She told me she’s so proud of you and she’s so happy to have Cara as
part of the family. She’s not ashamed of you, Micah. She loves you.” She felt
suddenly emotional as she saw the feeling process on his face. “I think…I
really think she would want to help. It would mean a lot if you’d ask her. And
it would make us feel better to get advice from someone who knows what they’re
doing. Someone we trust.”

He took a breath and then reached in his pocket to pull out
his phone.

Alice sat down on the edge of the backseat while he called
his mother. She must have picked up right away because, after just a few
seconds, he was saying, “Hey. I’m not interrupting anything, am I?”

After what must have been earnest assurances, he said, “We
think Cara might have an ear ache. At least, that’s what the woman in the
nursery thinks…No, she doesn’t have a fever…She ate okay earlier today, but she
didn’t want a bottle this evening…She had that little cold for the last couple
of days…She just won’t stop crying…Okay. That’s a good idea…Yeah…Yeah…Okay.
We’ll do that…Yeah, she’s with me. She wasn’t sure what was best to do
either…Okay. Thanks. Sorry if I bothered you…Okay. Yeah…Thanks…I love you
too…Okay. I’ll call after. Thank you. Bye.”

Alice was stroking Cara’s face and not looking at Micah when
he hung up, but she turned to him when he stepped over to the opened door
again.

“She said the urgent-care clinic is opened until ten, so we
could take her there this evening, if it would make us feel better. She thought
she’d be okay if we wanted to wait for tomorrow, but I’d rather just take her
tonight, if you don’t mind.”

“Oh, that’s a good idea. I hadn’t even thought about that.
Let’s take her there now. It’s not even nine yet.”

The clinic was about ten minutes away, and Alice checked her
phone for any information on ear infections in babies as he drove them there,
reading out loud the information she found.

They both felt better when he pulled into the parking lot.

The clinic was crowded, so they signed in and then had to
wait. They found two seats in a corner, and Micah held Cara on his lap. She was
mostly whimpering now, obviously worn out from the evening.

Alice leaned over toward Micah to stroke Cara’s back. “I
guess people figure out how to take care of them eventually. I feel so
clueless.”

“Not as clueless as me.”

She looked up at him, and saw his eyes were tender as he
gazed down at her. “You’re not clueless. You’re doing a really good job with
her. Seriously, Micah. She was just dropped into your life a couple of weeks
ago. You can’t expect to have it all figured out yet. You’re doing great.”

He released a heavy sigh and didn’t answer, but he reached
over with one arm and wrapped it around her shoulders, pulling her against him.

She nestled against him and kept stroking Cara’s back,
feeling comforted, close to him. To both of them.

“I wish I’d known her before,” he murmured hoarsely, using
his thumb to caress Cara’s little hand.

“Before when?”

“Before now. Her first five months I never even knew she
existed. I missed out on those months of her life.”

It was a poignant thought, and there was nothing she could
say to answer it. So she just breathed, “Yeah.”

After a few minutes, Micah spoke again without warning,
“Sometimes I feel guilty.”

Alice’s breath hitched as she glanced up at him. He was
gazing steadily at Cara’s unhappy face. “Guilty about what?”

“About Heather having to die so that I could know her. And
about keeping her, just because I want to, even if it’s not the best thing for
her. Maybe she’d be better off with a couple who wants to adopt her.”

“No. She wouldn’t. You’re her dad, and you love her. You
have a stable life now, and you’re committed to taking care of her. You’ll get
help when you need it. Stop beating yourself up about this, Micah. No one knows
how to be a great parent right away. You learn as you go along. She should be
with her daddy.”

He closed his eye for a minute and let out another long
breath. “I just don’t know…”

“Don’t know what?” For some reason, she was holding her
breath, as if he were about to tell her something really important, something
she needed to know.

“I think sometimes about other men—men like Daniel, who’ve
basically had it together their whole lives, who haven’t made such a mess of
things, who haven’t…broken their lives like I have. I can’t help but think
she’d be better off with someone like that. I just don’t think…I don’t think I
deserve her.”

Her heart jumped, and she had no idea what to say. “You
don’t think you deserve her because…because you don’t think you’re good enough
to take care of her?”

He met her eyes for just a moment before glancing away. “I
don’t think I’ve been good enough to deserve…getting her.”

So then she understood. She knew exactly what he was
struggling with. He still felt guilty for things he’d done in his life and
thought he needed to pay for it more. Since she knew what to say now, the words
came spilling out. “But that’s not the way it works. You
know
that. God doesn’t give us things because we deserve them. He
gives them to us because he loves us. Just because he loves us.”

“Yeah.” He stroked the fine hair on the little head with his
long fingers.

“No one would deserve her. That’s kind of the point. We get
her anyway.” Realizing what she said, she amended quickly, “You get her
anyway.”

“I love her already,” he admitted, his voice slightly rough.
“I didn’t think it was possible for it to happen so quickly. It’s just been a
couple of weeks. But I do. I love her.” His arm tightened briefly around Alice.

She was so overwhelmed with emotion that her eyes burned
slightly. “She’s going to love you too, Micah. I promise.” As if in response to
Alice’s words, Cara whimpered and burrowed against Micah’s chest, one little
hand gripping his shirt. Alice added, “She loves you already. She’s going to
have a great life with you.”