92 Little Tricks for Big Success in Relationships (13 page)

Don’t say “martial arts instructor.” Say “I help people defend themselves by teaching martial arts.”

Don’t say “cosmetic surgeon.” Say “I reconstruct people’s faces after disfiguring accidents.” (Or, if you’re talking with a woman “of a certain age,” as the French so gracefully say, tell her, “I help people to look as young as they feel through cosmetic surgery.”) Don’t say “hairdresser.” Say “I help a woman find the right hairstyle for her particular face.” (Go, Gloria!)

Putting the benefit statement in your verbal “Nutshell Résumé” brings your job to life and makes it memorable. Even if your new acquaintance can’t use your services, the next time he or she meets someone moving into the area, wanting to plan their financial future, thinking of self defense, considering cosmetic surgery, or needing a new hairstyle, who comes to mind? Not the unimaginative people who gave the tax-return description of their jobs, but the big winners who painted a picture of helping people with needs.

A Nutshell Résumé for Your Private Life

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a few exciting stock answers. When meeting a potential friend or loved one, make your life sound like you will be a fun person to know.

As a young girl, I wrote novels in my mind about my life.

“Leil, squinting her eyes against the torrential downpour, bravely reached out the window into the icy storm to pull the shutters tight and keep the family safe from the approaching hurricane.”

Big deal—Mama asked me to close the windows when it started to rain. Still, marching toward the open window, I fancied myself the family’s brave savior.

You don’t need to be quite so melodramatic in your self-image, but at least punch up your life to sound interesting and dedicated.
Technique #25

The Nutshell Résumé

Just as job-seeking top managers roll a different written résumé off their printers for each position they’re

applying for, let a different true story about your

professional life roll off your tongue for each listener. Before responding to “What do you do?” ask yourself,

“What possible interest could this person have in my

answer? Could he refer business to me? Buy from me?

Hire me? Marry my sister? Become my buddy?”

Wherever you go, pack a nutshell about your own

life to work into your communications bag of tricks.

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26
How to Sound Even

Smarter Than You Are

Did you ever hear someone try to say a word that was just too darn big for his tongue? By the smile on the speaker’s face and the gleam in his eye as the word limped off his lips, you knew he was really proud of it. (To make matters worse, he probably used the word incorrectly, inappropriately, and maybe even mispronounced it. Ouch.)

The world perceives people with rich vocabularies to be more creative, more intelligent. People with larger vocabularies get hired quicker, promoted faster, and listened to a whole lot more. So big winners use rich, full words, but they never sound inappropriate. The phrases slide gracefully off their tongues to enrich their conversation. The words fit. With the care that they choose their tie or their blouse, big players in life choose words to match their personalities and their points. The startling good news is that the difference between a respected vocabulary and a mundane one is only about fifty words!

You don’t need much to sound like a big winner. A mere few dozen wonderful words will give everyone the impression that you have an original and creative mind.

Acquiring this super vocabulary is easy. You needn’t pore over vocabulary books or listen to tapes of pompous pontificators with
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impossible British accents. You don’t need to learn two-dollar words that your grandmother, if she heard, would wash out of your mouth with soap.

All you need to do is think of a few tired, overworked words you use every day—words like
smart
,
nice
,
pretty
, or
good
. Then grab a thesaurus or book of synonyms off the shelf. Look up that common word even you are bored hearing yourself utter every day. Examine your long list of alternatives.

For example, if you turn to the word
smart
, you’ll find dozens of synonyms. Some words are colorful and rich like
ingenious
,
resourceful
,
adroit
,
shrewd
, and many more. Run down the list and say each out loud. Which ones fit your personality? Which ones seem right for you? Try each on like a suit of clothes to see which feel comfortable. Choose a few favorites and practice saying them aloud until they become a natural staple of your vocabulary. The next time you want to compliment someone on being smart, say, you’ll be purring

“Oh, that was so
clever
of you.”

“My how
resourceful
.”

“That was
ingenious
.”

Or maybe, “How
astute
of you.”

And Now, for Men Only

Gentlemen, we women spend a lot of time in front of the mirror (as if you didn’t know). When I was in college, it used to take me a full fifteen minutes to fix myself up for a date. Every year since, I’ve had to add a few minutes. I’m now up to an hour and a half gussying myself up for an evening out.

Gentlemen, when your wife comes down the staircase all dolled up for a night out, or you pick a lady up for dinner, what do you say? If you make no comment except, “Well, are you ready to go?” how do you think that makes the lady feel?

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My friend Gary is a nice gentleman and he occasionally takes me to dinner. I met him about twelve years ago, and I’ll never forget the first time he arrived on my doorstep for our date. He said,

“Leil, you look great.” I adored his reaction!

I saw Gary a month or so later. On my doorstep again, “Leil, you look great.” The precise same words as the first time, but I still appreciated it.

It’s been twelve long years now that this gentleman and I have been friends. I see him about once every two months, and every darn time it’s the same old comment, “Leil, you look great.” (I think I’ll show up one evening in a flannel nightshirt and a mud pack on my face. I swear Gary will say, “Leil, you look great.”) During my seminars, to help men avoid Gary’s mistake, I ask every male to think of a synonym for
pretty
or
great
. Then I bring up one woman and several men. I ask each to pretend he is her husband. She has just come down the stairs ready to go out to dinner. I ask each to take her hand and deliver his compliment.

“Darla,” one says, “you look
elegant
.”

“Ooh!” Every woman in the room sighs.

“Darla,” says another, taking her hand, “you look
stunning
.”

“Ooh!” Every woman in the room swoons.

“Darla,” says the third, putting her hand between his, “you look
ravishing
.”

“Ooooh!” By now every woman in the room has gone limp.

Pay attention men! Words work on us women.

More Unisex Suggestions

Suppose you’ve been at a party and it was wonderful. Don’t tell the hosts it was
wonderful
. Everybody says that. Tell them it was a
splendid
party, a
superb
party, an
extraordinary
party. Hug the hosts and tell them you had a
magnificent
time, a
remarkable
time, a
glorious
time.

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The first few times you say a word like
glorious
, it may not roll comfortably off your tongue. Yet you have no trouble with the word wonderful. Hmm,
glor-i-ous
doesn’t have any more syllables than
won-der-ful
. Neither does it have any more difficult sounds to pronounce. Vocabulary is all a matter of familiarity. Use your new favorite words a few times and, just like breaking in a new pair of shoes, you’ll be very comfortable wearing your glorious new words.

Technique #26

Your Personal Thesaurus

Look up some common words you use every day in the

thesaurus. Then, like slipping your feet into a new pair of shoes, slip your tongue into a few new words to see

how they fit. If you like them, start making permanent

replacements.

Remember, only fifty words makes the difference

between a rich, creative vocabulary and an average,

middle-of-the-road one. Substitute a word a day for

two months and you’ll be in the verbally elite.

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27
How to Not Sound

Anxious (Let Them

Discover Your Similarity)

Tigers prowl with tigers; lions lurk with lions; and little alley cats scramble around with other little alley cats. Similarity breeds attraction. But in the human jungle, big cats know a secret. When you delay revealing your similarity, or let them discover it, it has much more punch. Above all, you don’t want to sound
anxious
to have rapport.

Whenever someone mentions a common interest or experience, instead of jumping in with a breathless, “Hey, me, too! I do that, too” or “I know all about that,” let your conversation partner enjoy talking about it. Let her go on about the country club before you tell her you’re a member, too. Let him go on analyzing the golf swing of Arnold Palmer before you start casually comparing the swings of golf greats Greg, Jack, Tiger, and Arnie. Let her tell you how many tennis games she’s won before you just happen to mention your USTA ranking. Several years ago, I was telling a new acquaintance how much I love to ski. He listened with interest as I indulged in a detailed travelogue of places I’d skied. I raved about the various resorts. I analyzed the various conditions. I discussed artificial versus natural snow. It wasn’t until near the end of my monologue that I
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finally had the sense to ask my new acquaintance if he skied. He replied, “Yes, I keep a little apartment in Aspen.”

Cool! If he’d jumped in and told me about his ski pad right after I first told him how much I liked skiing, I’d have been impressed. Mildly. However, waiting until the end of our conversation—and then revealing he was such an avid skier that he kept an Aspen ski pad—made it unforgettable.

Here’s the technique I call “Kill the Quick ‘Me, Too!’ ” Whenever people mention an activity or interest you share, let them enjoy discussing their passion. Then, when the time is right, casually mention you share their interest.
Oh, I Must Have Been Boring You

I waited weeks for the opportunity to try it out. Finally the moment presented itself at a convention. A new contact began telling me about her recent trip to Washington, D.C. (She had no idea that Washington was where I grew up.) She told me all about the Capitol, the Washington Monument, the Kennedy Center, and how she and her husband went bicycling in Rock Creek Park. (Momentarily I forgot I was keeping my mouth shut to practice my new technique. I was genuinely enjoying hearing about these familiar sights from a visitor’s perspective.)

I asked her where she stayed, where she dined, and if she had a chance to get into any of the beautiful Maryland or Virginia suburbs. At one point, obviously pleased by my interest in her trip, she said, “You sound like you know a lot about Washington.”

“Yes,” I replied. “It’s my hometown, but I haven’t been back there in ages.”

“Your hometown!” she squealed. “My goodness, why didn’t you tell me? I must have been boring you.”

“Oh, not at all,” I replied honestly. “I was enjoying hearing about your trip so much, I was afraid you’d stop if I told you.” Her 03 (093-142B) part three 8/14/03 9:17 AM Page 109

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109

big smile and barely audible “Oh gosh” let me know I had won a new friend.

When someone starts telling you about an activity he has done, a trip she has made, a club he belongs to, an interest she has—anything that you share—bite your tongue. Let the teller relish his or her own monologue. Relax and enjoy it, too, secretly knowing how much pleasure your conversation partner will have when you reveal you share the same experience. Then, when the moment is ripe, casually disclose your similarity. And be sure to mention how much you enjoyed hearing about his or her shared interest.

Technique #27

Kill the Quick “Me , Too!”

Whenever you have something in common with

someone, the longer you wait to reveal it, the more

moved (and impressed) he or she will be. You emerge as

a confident big cat, not a lonely little stray, hungry for quick connection with a stranger.

P.S.: Don’t wait too long to reveal your shared

interest or it will seem like you’re being tricky.

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28
How to Be a “YouFirstie” to Gain Their

Respect and Affection

“SEX! Now that I have your attention. . . . ” Two-bit comics have been using that gag from the days when two bits bought a foursquare meal. However, big winners know there’s a three-letter word more potent then
SEX
to get people’s attention. That word is
YOU
.

Why is
you
such a powerful word? Because when we were infants, we thought we were the center of the universe. Nothing mattered but ME, MYSELF, and I. The rest of the shadowy forms stirring about us (which we later learned were other people) existed solely for what they could do for us. Self-centered little tykes that we were, our tiny brains translated every action, every word, into,