92 Little Tricks for Big Success in Relationships (12 page)

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great conversational fodder, no matter what crowd you’re circulating in. It is with some embarrassment that I must attribute the following technique to a businesswoman in the world’s oldest profession. For a magazine article I was writing, I interviewed one of the savviest operators in her field, Sidney Biddle Barrows, the famed Mayflower Madam.

Technique #23

The L atest Ne ws . . . Don’t Le av e Home

Without It

The last move to make before leaving for the party—

even after you’ve given yourself final approval in the

mirror—is to turn on the radio news or scan your

newspaper. Anything that happened today is good

material. Knowing the big-deal news of the moment is

also a defensive move that rescues you from putting

your foot in your mouth by asking what everybody’s

talking about. Foot-in-mouth is not very tasty in

public, especially when it’s surrounded by egg-on-face. Sidney told me she had a house rule when she was in business. All of her female “independent contractors” were directed to keep up with the daily news so they could be good conversationalists with their clients. This was not just Sidney’s whim. Feedback from her employees had revealed that 60 percent of her girls’ work hour was spent in chatting and only 40 percent in satisfying the customers’ needs. Thus she instructed them to read the daily newspaper or listen to a radio broadcast before leaving for an 02 (043-92B) part two 8/14/03 9:17 AM Page 91

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appointment. Sidney told me when she initiated this rule, her business increased significantly. Reports came back from her clients complimenting her on the fascinating women she had working for her. The consummate businesswoman, Ms. Barrows always strove to exceed her customers’ expectations.

Ready for the big leagues of conversation? Let’s go.

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✰PARTTHREE

How to Talk

Like a VIP

Welcome to the human jungle. When two tigers prowling through the jungle chance upon one another in a clearing, they look at each other. They freeze. Instinctively they calculate, “If our staring came to hissing—came to scratching—came to clawing—who

would win? Which of us has the stronger survival skills?”

Tigers in the wilderness differ little from the urban upright animals inhabiting the corporate jungle (or singles jungle or social jungle). Humans start the process by looking at each other and talking. In the business world, while smiling and uttering “How do you do?” “Hello,” “Howdy,” or “Hi,” they are, like tigers, instinctively, instantaneously, sizing each other up.

They’re not calculating the length of each other’s claws or the sharpness of their teeth. They’re judging each other on a weapon far more powerful to survival as they have defined it. Humans are judging each other’s communications skills. Although they may not know the names of the specific studies first proving it, they sense the truth: 85 percent of one’s success in life is directly due to communications skills.13

They may not be familiar with the U.S. Census Bureau’s recent survey showing employers choose candidates with good communications skills and attitude way over education, experi
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ence, and training.14 But they know communications skills get people to the top. Thus, by observing each other carefully during casual conversing, it becomes almost immediately evident to both which is the bigger cat in the human jungle.

It doesn’t take long for people to recognize who is an “important” person. One cliché, one insensitive remark, one overanxious reaction, and you can be professionally or personally demoted. You can lose a potentially important friendship or business contact. One stupid move and you can tumble off the corporate or social ladder.

The techniques in this section will help ensure that you make all the right moves so this doesn’t happen. The following communications skills give you a leg up to start your ascent to the top of any ladder you choose.

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How to Find Out What

They Do (Without

Even Asking!)

To size each other up, the first question little cats flat-pawedly ask each other is, “And what do you do? Hmm?” Then they crouch there, quivering their whiskers and twitching their noses, with an obvious “I’m going to pronounce silent judgment on you after you answer” look on their pusses.

Big cats never ask outright, “What do you do?” (Oh they find out, all right, in a much more subtle manner.) By not asking the question, the big boys and big girls come across as more principled, even spiritual. “After all,” their silence says, “a man or woman is far more than his or her job.”

Resisting the tempting question also shows their sensitivity. With so much downsizing, rightsizing, and capsizing of corporations these days, the blunt interrogation evokes uneasiness. The job question is not just unpleasant for those who are “between engagements.” I have several gainfully employed friends who hate being asked, “And what do you do?” (One of these folks cuts cadavers for autopsies, the other is an IRS collection agent.) Additionally, millions of talented and accomplished women have chosen to devote themselves to motherhood. When the cruel corporate question is thrust at them, they feel guilty. The rude interrogation belittles their commitment to their families. No mat
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ter how the women answer, they fear the asker is only going to hear a humble “I’m just a housewife.”

Big boys and big girls should avoid asking, “What do you do?”

for another reason: their abstinence from the question leads listeners to believe that they are in the habit of soaring with a highflying crowd. Recently I attended a posh party on Easy Street. (I suspect they invited me as their token working-class person.) I noticed no one was asking anyone what they did—because these swells didn’t do anything. Oh, some might have a ticker tape on the bed table of their mansion to track investments. But they definitely did not work for a living. The final benefit to not asking, “What do you do?” is it throws people off guard. It convinces them you are enjoying their company for who they are, not for any crass networking reason.
Technique #24

What Do You Do—NOT!

A sure sign you’re a Somebody is the conspicuous absence of the question, “What do you do?” (You determine this, of course, but not with those four dirty words that label you as either a ruthless networker, a

social climber, a gold-digging husband or wife hunter,

or someone who’s never strolled along Easy Street.)

The Right Way to Find Out

So how do you find out what someone does for a living? (I thought you’d never ask.) You simply practice the following eight words. All together now: “How . . . do . . . you . . . spend . . . most . . . of . . . your . . . time?”

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“How do you spend most of your time?” is the gracious way to let a cadaver cutter, a tax collector, or a capsized employee off the hook. It’s the way to reinforce an accomplished mother’s choice. It’s the way to assure a spiritual soul you see his or her inner beauty. It’s a way to suggest to a swell that you reside on Easy Street, too.

Now, suppose you’ve just made the acquaintance of someone who does like to talk about his or her work? Asking, “How do you spend most of your time?” also opens the door for workaholics to spout off, “Oh golly,” they mock moan, “I just spend all my time working.” That, of course, is your invitation to grill them for details. (Then they’ll talk your ear off.) Yet the new wording of your question gives those who are somewhere between “at leisure”

and “work addicted” the choice of telling you about their job or not. Finally, asking “How do you spend most of your time?”

instead of “And what do you do?” gives you your big cat stripes right off.

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25
How to Know What to

Say When They Ask,

“What DoYou Do?”

Now, 99 percent of the people you meet will, of course, ask “And what do
you
do?” Big winners, realizing someone will always ask, are fully prepared for the interrogation.

Many folks have one written résumé for job seeking. They type it up and then trudge off to the printer to get a nice neat stack to send to all prospective employers. The résumé lists their previous positions, dates of employment, and education. Then, at the bottom, they might as well have scribbled, “Well, that’s me. Take it or leave it.” And usually they get left. Why? Because prospective employers do not find enough specific points in the résumé that relate directly to what their firm is seeking. Boys and girls in the big leagues, however, have bits and bytes of their entire work experience tucked away in their computers. When applying for a job, they punch up only the appropriate data and print it out so it looks like it just came from the printer. My friend Roberto was out of work last year. He applied for two positions:a sales manager of an ice cream company and head of strategic planning for a fast-food chain. He did extensive research and found the ice cream company had deep sales difficulties and the food chain had long-range international aspirations.
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Did he send the same résumé to each? Absolutely not. His résumé

never deviated one iota from the truth of his background. However, for the ice cream company, he highlighted his experience turning a small company around by doubling its sales in three years. For the food chain, he underscored his experience working in Europe and his knowledge of foreign markets.

Both firms offered Roberto the job. Now he could play them off against each other. He went to each, explaining he’d like to work for them but another firm was offering a higher salary or more perks. The two firms started bidding against each other for Roberto. He finally chose the food chain at almost double the salary they originally offered him.

To make the most of every encounter, personalize your verbal résumé with just as much care as you would your written curriculum vitae. Instead of having one answer to the omnipresent

“What do you do?” prepare a dozen or so variations, depending on who’s asking. For optimum networking, every time someone asks about your job, give a calculated oral résumé in a nutshell. Before you submit your answer, consider what possible interest the asker could have in you and your work.

“Here’s How My Life Can Benefit Yours”

Top salespeople talk extensively of the “benefit statement.” They know, when talking with a potential client, they should open their conversation with a benefit statement. When my colleague Brian makes cold calls, instead of saying “Hello, my name is Brian Tracy. I’m a sales trainer,” he says, “Hello, my name is Brian Tracy from the Institute for Executive Development. Would you be interested in a proven method that can increase your sales from 20 to 30 percent over the next twelve months?” That is his benefit statement. He highlights the specific benefits of what he has to offer to his prospect.

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How to Talk to
Anyone My hairdresser Gloria, I discovered, gives a terrific benefit statement to everyone she meets. That’s probably why she has so many clients. In fact, that’s how she got me as a client. When I met Gloria at a convention, she told me she was a hairdresser who specialized in flexible hairstyles for the businesswoman. She casually mentioned she has many clients who choose a conservative hairstyle for work that they can instantly convert to a feminine style for social situations. “Hey, that’s me,” I said to myself, fingering my stringy little ponytail. I asked for her card and Gloria became my hairdresser.

Then, several months later, I happened to see Gloria at another event. I overheard her chatting with a stylish grey-haired woman at the buffet table. Gloria was saying “. . . and we specialize in a wonderful array of blue rinses.” Now that was news to me! I didn’t remember seeing one grey head in her salon.

As I was leaving the party, Gloria was out on the lawn talking animatedly with the host’s teenage daughters. “Oh yeah,” she was saying, “like we specialize in these really cool up-to-the-minute styles.” Good for you, Gloria!

Like Gloria the hairdresser, give your response a once-over before answering the inevitable “What do you do?” When someone asks, never give just a one-word answer. That’s for forms. If business networking is on your mind, ask yourself, “How could my professional experience benefit this person’s life?” For example, here are some descriptions various people might put on their tax return:

Real estate agent

Financial planner

Martial arts instructor

Cosmetic surgeon

Hairdresser

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Any practitioner of the above professions should reflect on the benefit his or her job has to humankind. (Every job has some benefit or you wouldn’t get paid to do it.) The advice to the folks above is

Don’t say “real estate agent.” Say “I help people moving into our area find the right home.”

Don’t say “financial planner.” Say “I help people plan their financial future.”