50 Psychology Classics (7 page)

Though he did not realize it at the time,
Games People Play: The Psychology of Human Relationships
marked the beginning of the popular psychology boom, as distinct from mere self-help on the one hand and academic psychology on the other. Mainstream psychologists looked down on Berne's book as shallow and pandering to the public, but in fact the first 50 or 60 pages are written in a rather serious, scholarly style. Only in the second part does the tone lighten up, and this is the section most people bought the book for.

Today,
Games People Play
has sold over five million copies and the phrase in its title has entered the English idiom.

Berne began by noting research that infants, if deprived of physical handling, often fall into irreversible mental and physical decline. He pointed to other studies suggesting that sensory deprivation in adults can lead to temporary psychosis. Adults need physical contact as much as children, but it is not always available so we compromise, instead seeking symbolic emotional “strokes” from others. A movie star, for instance, may get his strokes from hundreds of adoring weekly fan letters, while a scientist may get hers from a single positive commendation from a leading figure in the field.

Berne defined the stroke as the “fundamental unit of social action.” An exchange of strokes is a transaction, hence his creation of the phrase “transactional analysis” (TA) to describe the dynamics of social interaction.

Given the need to receive strokes, Berne observed that in biological terms human beings consider any social intercourse—even if negative—as better than none at all. This need for intimacy is also why people engage in “games”—these become a substitute for genuine contact.

He defined a game as “an ongoing series of complementary ulterior transactions progressing to a well-defined, predictable outcome.” We play a game to satisfy some hidden motivation, and it always involves a payoff.

Most of the time people are not aware they are playing games; it is just a normal part of social interaction. Games are a lot like playing poker, when we hide our real motivations as part of a strategy to achieve the payoff—to win money. In the work environment the payoff may be getting the deal; people speak of being in the “real estate game” or the “insurance game” or “playing the stock market,” an unconscious recognition that their work involves a series of maneuvers to achieve a certain gain. And in close relationships? The payoff usually involves some emotional satisfaction or increase in control.

Transactional analysis evolved out of Freudian psychoanalysis, which Berne had studied and practiced. He had once had an adult male patient who admitted that he was really “a little boy in an adult's clothing.” In subsequent sessions, Berne asked him whether it was now the little boy talking or the adult. From these and other experiences, Berne came to the view that within each person are three selves or “ego states” that often contradict each other. They are characterized by:

the attitudes and thinking of a parental figure (Parent);

the adult-like rationality, objectivity, and acceptance of the truth (Adult);

the stances and fixations of a child (Child).

The three selves correspond loosely to Freud's superego (Parent), ego (Adult), and id (Child).

In any given social interaction, Berne argued, we exhibit one of these basic Parent, Adult, and Child states, and can easily shift from one to the other. For instance, we can take on the child's creativity, curiosity, and charm, but also the child's tantrums or intransigence. Within each mode we can be productive or unproductive.

In playing a game with someone we take on an aspect of one of the three selves. Instead of remaining neutral, genuine, or intimate, to get what we want we may feel the need to act like a commanding parent, or a coquettish child, or to take on the sage-like, rational aura of an adult.

The main part of the book is a thesaurus of the many games people play, such as the following.

This is the most common game played between spouses, in which one partner complains that the other is an obstacle to doing what they really want in life.

Berne suggested that most people unconsciously choose spouses because they want certain limits placed on them. He gave an example of a woman who seemed desperate to learn to dance. The problem was that her husband hated going out, so her social life was restricted. She enrolled in dancing classes, but found that she was terribly afraid of dancing in public and dropped out. Berne's point was that what we blame the other partner for is more often revealed as an issue within ourselves. Playing “If it weren't for you” allows us to divest ourselves of responsibility for facing our fears or shortcomings.

This game begins when someone states a problem in their life, and another person responds by offering constructive suggestions on how to solve it. The subject says “Yes, but…” and proceeds to find issue with the solutions. In Adult mode we would examine and probably take on board a solution, but this is not the purpose of the exchange. It allows the subject to gain sympathy from others in their inadequacy to meet the situation (Child mode). The problem solvers, in turn, get the opportunity to play wise Parent.

Someone playing this game will have the defensive attitude of “What do you expect of a person with a wooden leg/bad childhood/neurosis/alcoholism?” Some feature of themselves is used an excuse for lack of competence or motivation, so that they do not have to take full responsibility for their life.

Berne's other games include:

Life games—“Now I've Got You, You Son of a Bitch”; “See What You Made Me Do.”

Marital games—“Frigid Woman”; “Look How Hard I've Tried.”

“Good” games—“Homely sage”; “They'll be glad they knew me.”

Each game has a thesis—its basic premise and how that is played out—and an antithesis—the way it reaches its conclusion, with one of the players taking an action that in their mind makes them the “winner.”

The games we play, Berne said, are like worn-out loops of tape we inherit from childhood and continue to let roll. Though limiting and destructive, they
are also a sort of comfort, absolving us of the need to confront unresolved psychological issues. For some, playing games has become a basic part of who they are. Many people feel the need to get into fights with those closest to them or intrigues with their friends in order to stay interested. However, Berne warned, if we play too many “bad” games for too long, they become selfdestructive. The more games we play, the more we expect others to play them too; a relentless game player can end up a psychotic who reads too much of their own motivations and biases into others' behavior.

Though
Games People Play
was reviled by many practicing psychiatrists as too “pop” and inane, transactional analysis continues to be influential and has been added to the armory of many psychotherapists and counselors who need to deal with difficult or evasive patients. It seemed like a ground-breaking book because it brought a psychologist's precision to an area that was normally the preserve of novelists and playwrights. Indeed, American novelist Kurt Vonnegut wrote a celebrated review that suggested its contents could inspire creative writers for years.

Be aware that
Games People Play
is quite Freudian, with many of the games based on Freud's ideas about inhibition, sexual tension, and unconscious impulses. It is also clearly a relic of the 1960s in its language and social attitudes.

Yet it can still be a mind-opening read, and is a classic for the simple insight that people always have and probably always will play games. As Berne noted, we teach our children all the pastimes, rituals, and procedures they need to adapt to our culture and get by in life, and we spend a lot of time choosing their schools and activities, yet we don't teach them about games, an unfortunate but realistic feature of the dynamics of every family and institution.