50 Psychology Classics (5 page)

We normally think of fear as something bad, but de Becker tries to show how it is a gift that may protect us from harm.
The Gift of Fear: Survival Signals that Protect Us from Violence
is about getting into other people's minds so that their actions do not come as a terrible surprise. Though this may be uncomfortable, particularly when it is the mind of a potential killer, it is better to do this than to find out the hard way.

Before he was 13 Gavin de Becker had seen more violence within his own home that most adults see in a lifetime. In order to survive, he had to become good at predicting what would happen next in frightening situations, and he made it his life's work to formularize the violent mindset so that others could also see the signs. De Becker became an expert in assessing the risk of violence, charged with protecting high-profile celebrity, government, and corporate clients, and also something of a spokesperson on domestic violence.

De Becker is not a psychologist, but his book gives more insights into the nature of intuition, fear, and the violent mind than you are ever likely to read in a straight psychology text. As gripping as a good crime novel,
The Gift of Fear
may not just change your life—it could actually save it.

In the modern world, de Becker observes, we have forgotten to rely on our instincts to look after ourselves. Most of us leave the issue of violence up to the police and criminal justice system, believing that they will protect us, but often by the time we involve the authorities it is too late. Alternatively, we believe that better technology will protect us from danger; the more alarms and high fences we have, the safer we feel.

But there is a more reliable source of protection: our intuition or gut feeling. Usually we have all the information we need to warn us of certain people or situations; like other animals, we have an in-built warning system for danger. Dogs' intuition is much vaunted, but de Becker argues that in fact human beings have better intuition; the problem is that we are less prepared to trust it.

De Becker describes female victims of attacks who report: “Even though I knew what was happening leading up to the event was not quite right, I did not extract myself from it.” Somehow, the attacker who helped them with their bags or got into the lift with them was able to make these women go along with what he wanted. De Becker suggests that there is a “universal code of violence” that most of us can automatically sense, yet modern life often has the effect of deadening our sensitivity. We either don't see the signals at all or we won't admit them.

Paradoxically, de Becker proposes that “trusting intuition is the exact opposite of living in fear.” Real fear does not paralyze you, it energizes you, enabling you to do things you normally could not. In the first case he discusses, a woman had been trapped and raped in her own apartment. When her attacker said he was going into the kitchen, something told her to follow him on tiptoe, and when she did she saw him rifling through the drawers looking for a large knife—to kill her. She made a break for the front door and escaped. What is fascinating is her recollection of not being afraid. Real fear, because it involves our intuition, in fact is a positive feeling designed to save us.

De Becker debunks the idea that there is a “criminal mind” separating certain people from the rest of us. Most of us would say that we can never kill another person, but then you usually hear the caveat: “Unless I was having to protect a loved one.” We are all capable of criminal thoughts and even actions. Many murders are described as “inhuman,” but surely, de Becker observes, they can't be anything
but
human. If one person is capable of a particular act, under certain circumstances we may all be capable of that act. In his work, de Becker does not have the luxury of making distinctions like “human” and “monster.” Instead, he looks for whether a person may have the intent or ability to harm. He concludes, “the resource of violence is in everyone; all that changes is our view of the justification.”

Why do people commit violence? De Becker boils it down to four elements:

Justification—the person makes a judgment that they have been intentionally wronged.

Alternatives—violence seems like the only way forward to seek redress or justice.

Consequences—they decide they can live with the probable outcome of their violent act. For instance, a stalker may not mind going to jail as long he gets his victim.

Ability—they have confidence in their ability to use their body or bullets or a bomb to achieve their ends.

De Becker's team check through these “pre-incident indicators” when they have to predict the likelihood of violence from someone threatening a client. If we pay attention, he says, violence never “comes from nowhere.” It is actually not very common for people to “snap” before they commit murder. Generally, de Becker remarks, violence is as predictable “as water coming to a boil.”

What also helps in predicting violence is to understand it as a
process
, “in which the violent outcome is only one link.” While the police are looking for the motive, de Becker and his team are going deeper to find the history of violence or violent intent that usually precedes the act.

The Gift of Fear
includes a chapter on spousal violence, noting that most spousal murder does not happen in the heat of the moment. It is usually a premeditated decision, preceded by the husband stalking his wife and sparked by the wife's rejection. For such men, being rejected is too great a threat to their sense of self and killing their partner seems the only way to restore their identity. De Becker reveals an alarming fact: Three-quarters of spousal murders happen
after
the woman leaves the marriage.

The features of predatory criminals usually include:

recklessness and bravado;

single-mindedness;

not being shocked at things that would appall other people;

being weirdly calm in conflict;

the need to be in control.