34 Seconds (17 page)

I fell asleep with the phone in my hand and woke about forty minutes later with dried tears on my cheeks. After washing my face, I looked at the phone one more time, then checked on the girls. Neither one napped much in the afternoon anymore, so if they weren’t awake yet, they would be soon. Both girls were sleeping, so I freshened my makeup from the early morning application hours before and went downstairs to straighten up the family room and raid the kitchen for dinner ideas.

***

When Chris got home two hours later, the house was fairly clean. The girls were dirty from a random warm spring afternoon in the backyard. Dinner was cooking on the stove. I was still thinking of Will, but I felt as if the cry I’d had alone in my bedroom had helped me move on. It was becoming more obvious to me he’d moved on without me. I needed to do so as well. Without sadness, without anger, without emotion at all. If I didn’t deserve a phone call to tell me he no longer needed me or wanted me as his friend, then he no longer deserved to have any control over my emotions. I needed to move forward with my life. Chris, Emily, Bella, and our friends here in Colorado. Will was never a part of my Colorado life anyway.

“Hey, babe. Smells good in here. What’cha cooking for dinner?” Chris asked as he walked in.

I walked up to him, stood on my tip toes, and kissed him. “Sweet and sour chicken, broccoli, carrots, and pineapple,” I said to his lips as I ended our kiss.

Our first day of spring like weather ended with Chris and me sitting on the patio drinking a glass of wine watching the girls try to jump rope in the back yard. It was a pleasant ending to a stressful day, and I decided sitting there with my husband and children, I wouldn’t invite stress and negativity into my life again. Will hadn’t left my mind in weeks, and I realized it wasn’t fair to me, my well-being, nor my family. If someone didn’t want to be my friend, I was still good. Even if it was someone I still loved as dearly as Will. If his marriage was more important than maintaining our friendship, then I’d be happy he found something special to maintain rather than feeling sorry because I lost him somehow.

“I love you, Chris,” I said and leaned into him for a kiss.

“I love you too, Nik. But I can tell something is bothering you. Another park playdate bad judgment today?” Chris asked laughing.

“No, we stayed home today. I didn’t realize it would be so nice outside. It’s been so windy and chilly lately. I haven’t even thought of going to a park, but the girls would love it, I bet,” I said, practically ignoring his inquiry of what could be bothering me.

“Nik?”

“What, Chris?” I was getting annoyed. I didn’t want to talk about it after talking to myself all day and working hard to push hurtful feelings away from my heart.

“Is it Will?” Chris asked.

“What do you mean?” I picked up my wine glass and gulped.

“Will. He hasn’t been calling. I’ve noticed too, Nik. He used to call every week. Things like that don’t go unnoticed, ya know.” Chris sipped from his glass while watching me from over the wineglass.

I wiped a tear from my eye. “Yeah, Chris. He hasn’t called. I’ve noticed. I tried calling him a few weeks ago. Rebecca took a message, but he hasn’t called back. I actually haven’t heard from him since November. He sent me a few text messages around the holidays, but that’s it.” I paused, drank some wine, refilled my glass, and then unloaded. “Chris, please understand. I know we went through these crazy emotions last year at the wedding, but it’s not the same. He’s been in my life almost as long as I can remember. If this is Rebecca…well, I’m just pissed. No. I’m hurt.” I couldn’t say any more. I had moved from hatred and anger to sadness and tears throughout much of the day. Once I opened the floodgates and decided I could feel something about it, I wasn’t sure of anger or sadness, which emotion I should be feeling. So I tossed myself between the two. I knew I’d end up numb after allowing my emotions to fight one another. And then I’d have to let go. I’d have to let Will go, let go of a lifelong love and friendship I thought would last longer than any other relationship I’d ever have in my life. Numb felt better than letting go.

“Oh, Nikki. I’m sorry. I don’t know what’s going on,” Chris looked ahead, and not at me. He seemed lost in his own thoughts. “Maybe it is Rebecca. Maybe after a year, he’s ready to focus on his marriage. His new life.” Chris sighed. His voice felt empty. Like he was leaving something behind. An opinion he didn’t want to say to me. “You know, Nikki,” he paused again. Chewing up words before he could spit them out. “Maybe he’s got something going on. You know. Maybe he’s just going through something.”

“Chris. This is Will. He’s called me for everything he’s had going on. Every week for years, he’s called me. I’m sure he’d want to tell me if something were going on.” My mind started reeling through time after time of phone calls where he would tell me of a new job, a new gig at an open mic night, a new song, a new friend. Rebecca. He didn’t tell me about Rebecca until he proposed to her. Maybe their marriage was already on the rocks. The first year is the hardest, and after living so long paying tribute to his family at his grandfather’s house, maybe those discussions about the cap to the toothpaste weren’t going so well. I snickered, catching Chris’ attention.

He looked at me, smiled, not knowing my thoughts, or maybe guessing my thoughts. “I’m just saying, give it some time. Maybe he’s going through something and needs to do this one on his own.” He finished off his glass of wine, got up, kissed my head, and walked into the house.

Sitting back in my chair, twirling my wine, I smiled. I didn’t want his marriage to fail. Maybe he wasn’t calling because they were having problems. Either they wanted to work them out on their own, or he planned to wait until she moved out of the house before calling me to tell me it just didn’t work out.

Will had quoted a singer from one of the CDs we’d picked up on our Northampton trip a lot over the years. Sitting on my patio, I could hear Will saying, “Sometimes you’ve just gotta live your life, fight the world and what’s coming.” It was a line from Neila Lees’ song,
What’s Coming
. For years after that trip, and after the final break up, Will would end our call singing the line, “What’s coming will tear us apart, but our love will always fight it.” Over the years I stopped listening because I’d memorized every word and knew what was coming from Will at the end of each call. I usually focused on the tradition instead of the words.

Those thoughts made me smile. I finished my wine, took my glass inside, and then called the girls in from the backyard. Chris and I decided on some indoor family time.

Chapter Ten

Will never called me again. Rebecca called in late May. She talked to Chris for a long time. At first I thought it was his mother or a friend because he was speaking as if he were following up on a previous conversation. After a few minutes, he handed the phone to me.

“Nikki, sit down, please. Rebecca is on the phone. She needs to talk to you. I know what she’s asked, so don’t feel like you have to hang up and talk to me about it before you decide. You can call her back if you want to think about it alone, but you don’t need to ask me. We’ll work things out on this end. You just decide what you’d like to do. And,” Chris handed me the phone. “I love you.” Chris walked away, and took the girls upstairs. I just sat there with the phone in my hand wondering what was going on. Once I could hear Chris reading a book to our children, I picked up the phone, held it to my ear, waited a moment again, and then greeted Rebecca.

“Rebecca?” I said shaking. I knew something was wrong.

“Nikki? Hi, doll. How are ya?” Rebecca asked.

“I’m good, Rebecca. What’s going on? Is Will okay?” Surely she didn’t call me to see how I was doing. Surely my husband didn’t just tell me I could decide something on my own without talking to him because he knew what was happening simply so Rebecca could ask how I was doing.

“Well, Nikki…” Rebecca grew quiet. When she started again, her voice was no longer solid. “We’ve been going through some things here. And Will…” she paused again.

“Will what?” I thought to myself,
Will was in an accident? Will was in the hospital?

Rebecca continued with a shakier voice. “Will would like you here. To be with him.”

“To be with him?” I asked in shock. “What the hell does that mean? You’re with him. I’m with Chris in Colorado. Rebecca? What’s going on?” I was getting angry.

“Nikki. Will is sick. He’s very sick. He has been for a long time. For years actually. But this time,” she paused again. “This time, he’s not going to pull through.”

“What?” I asked.

“Oh, honey. I know it must be a surprise for you. He doesn’t have much time. He’d like you to be here with him. Can you come out here? I can fill you in when you get here.”

I couldn’t answer. They wanted me to go to Virginia because Will was sick. What could I possibly do?

“Honey,” Rebecca said getting my attention again. “Will is dying. He wants you to be with him.”

“Uh,” Dying? “Rebecca. I have to call you back.” I hung up.

Part two

Deltaville, Virginia
June 2014

Chapter Eleven

Terrified and nervous, I walked into Will’s bay house. He and Rebecca had been living there since their wedding just over a year ago. The last time I was this nervous to walk into this house was just after Will and Rebecca’s wedding when they invited Chris and I over to talk and have a drink before we headed back to Colorado.

Rebecca told me over the phone once my plane landed in Richmond, Will had been pushing people away, not letting anyone do anything for him or stay with him for more than a few minutes. It sounded as if he was going downhill quickly. I was nervous and scared he wouldn’t want me near him. I looked around, took a deep breath, and heard Rebecca say to Will, “Hey, Buddy, I brought a visitor.” She was talking to him the way I talked to my four year old.

When I peeked into the room where he was lying in a hospital bed, he said weakly, “Nikki Jackson! Nikki Jay, Nikki, Nikki, Nik.” Somewhere in his mind I was Nikki Jackson still, or again, but he also threw out his affectionate
Nikki Jay
, so I figured he couldn’t be mad at me or Rebecca too much since he was being sweet.

Rebecca put her hand on my arm and said, “Just sit tight for a few minutes, I have to go grab his meds. It’s almost time, babe, okay?” Will seemed to ignore her and just stared ahead.

Looking around the room, I noticed much was the same as it was when we were here a year ago, and not much different from when I was a teenager. Will’s grandfather’s mounted swordfish was in the same spot above the painted white brick fireplace. The couches no one ever sat on were white in color, pretty, but not as white as they had once been; salty air had discolored them, but I was a little taken aback when I saw the same furniture still here after all these years. I must have been through five couches myself and here these were still here from a memory I thought I’d never visit again. I stared at those two couches, one a full length couch, the other more like a love seat, placed facing one another in front of the fireplace. As I stared, I recalled, or relived rather, a moment on those couches so many years ago. I could not believe they were the same couches.

***

“Nikki Jay,” Will had said so long ago. “One day,” he guided me by the elbow to sit on the crisp white couch his grandfather insisted no one ever sit on, though he was sitting on it each time I saw the older man sitting in this house. “One fine day. We’re going to be out of this town. I’m taking you to a big city. Austin. You need to see Austin. Best music in all the country. I’m going to play on a stage in Austin. Even if it’s just some crappy bar, I’ll be up there looking into your eyes, and singing, not the blues, but the joys.”

“The joys?” I asked giggling. “What are the joys?”

“You know, I won’t be talking about crying into my beer or a thorn in my heart, but rather how my cup is filled, not with teary beer, but with love from a good woman.” Will pulled my hair back behind my shoulders and kissed my neck. “You know I love you, Nikki Jay, right? Will you be my audience? Will you let me take you to Austin and make love to you through my microphone?” He grew quiet as my breathing grew louder. Not only were we sitting on restricted couches, but I was growing more excited by the second and had the urge to lie down on the pristine white couch and strip naked. I didn’t have to move on any of my own urges because within moments, Will had my shirt over my head and was moving his kisses down from my collarbone to my breasts. Tickling each nipple with his tongue forced my hips to thrust into him. I let out a moan as my stomach rose and back arched. “I love you, Nik, you are the most amazing, most beautiful, most filling, and absolutely most wonderful woman I have ever known.” Each word was punctuated with a kiss moving further down my stomach, and his sentence of love and praise ended at the top of my elastic waist skirt as he slid it off my body in one swift movement. Before I could even respond with my own words, he had my underwear pulled aside, his tongue working tickling magic and two fingers causing moans and sighs to exit my mouth instead of the words I wanted to say but couldn’t manage to get out. I could hear him moan to himself as his knees hit the floor, and he wrapped my legs around his head. He placed his hands under my butt and pulled me closer, drinking me in. I couldn’t think of the white couches or his grandfather anymore. I was entering a place I thought of as heaven. A place where in my mind, I was in meadows filled with sweetly scented flowers, until the final flick of Will’s tongue sent my mind to blackness, a dark black hole where I could see nothing and could feel only ecstasy.

***

That was then; so long ago. The memory of it brought on a tingle to my body and guilt in my heart. I looked over at Will, sat down on the floor next to the hospital bed where he lay. He still stared ahead. Rebecca had tried to prepare me, to warn me, but also practically begged me to be strong for Will. She had said, “Everyone breaks down as soon as they walk out the door. It won’t be easy, but it isn’t easy for Will either. I think he begins to push us away so we may have our own time to cry, away from him. Remember, he’s pretty angry himself.”