31 Days of Winter (19 page)

‘Lock it behind me, and leave the key in,’ he
sighed and walked out pulling it to behind him. He was close to breaking, I
could sense it. I needed to know what the hell was holding him back. I dropped
the duvet, grabbed my boots and ran downstairs, picking up my discarded shorts
and top, pulled them on and loosely laced up my boots and ran outside. I
ignored the freezing cold as I ran down towards the boathouse and just as I was
nearing it, I slipped and fell on my backside. I sat there for a minute,
slightly stunned from the drop and saw his veranda suddenly illuminated as he
came out and stood gripping the edge of the wooden rail over the water and his
shoulders slumped. He lifted his hand and rubbed it over his face then startled
me by letting out an almighty roar as he punched his fist straight through the
wooden bannister.

I winced for him and he snapped his head around to
look in my direction, but with the light shining through the open door onto his
face, I knew that he couldn’t see me. I could see him though and what I saw
scared me, he was in serious pain and not from his fist. I could see it inside
him, eating him up. It seemed I’d just witnessed his true face, the one he
tried to mask with his every day one, and having seen it, I realised how hard
it must have been for him to let me see the happy one he’d shared with me for that
whole hour and the other odd times since I’d arrived. I ignored the fact that
my bottom, hands and legs were numb from the snow beneath them and watched as
he glanced up at the house, an even more tortured look crossing his face. As he
stepped inside and shut the door, it only strengthened my resolve to try and
help him deal with whatever demon was festering inside him. Despite him
seemingly jerking me around, for some bizarre reason I really cared for him,
and it seemed that he wanted to care for me too.

Ellie

I lay in bed for ages,
immobile, my legs and stomach were aching like I’d done a marathon. Only it
wasn’t from running, but the multiple orgasms Dan had given me last night. I’d
hardly slept for tossing and turning, my mind flashing between the two sides of
him I’d seen last night and the incredible high, then low, I’d got from just an
hour in his presence. I gathered up the pillows to prop me up and look at the
view out of the window in front, all the grey rocky outcrops were gone. All
that remained was a thick blanket of white with the faintest hints of the green
underbelly of the trees, the lake edges looked frozen and the snow was falling
fast again, it was beautiful. I smiled wryly when I caught a glimpse of an
imprint of my stomach and breasts on the window, where he’d squashed me up
against it last night.

I must have drifted off to sleep, as when I woke I
was starving. I jumped out of bed and groaned at the ache, before walking over
to the window, putting my palms on the glass and looking out in awe. I needed
to get out and take more photos. I jumped back quickly when I realised Dan was
fixing his veranda bannister and had just looked up at the house and I was
standing there naked, framed like an Amsterdam lady of the night. I had a quick
shower and left my hair to dry naturally and headed down wrapped in a bath
towel and made myself sausage, bacon, mushrooms and eggs on toast and a piping
hot black coffee, then rummaged in the utility room for some cleaning supplies.
I busied myself for the rest of the morning cleaning the house and rubbing the
offending smudges off the window. Anything to take my mind off how he’d made me
feel last night, how he’d made me fall apart in his arms. That hour of bliss offset
all the negatives that came with him.

I noticed that the boat had been pulled up onto
the shore, which meant Dan wasn’t risking going out for his afternoon
excursions. When I went to vacuum around the pool table area, I spotted my
engagement ring on the floor. I’d completely forgotten I’d tossed it the other
night. I picked it up and sighed. I’d already been ninety-nine percent
convinced that Zac and I were over, but after those brief moments with Dan last
night, that had made up the other undecided one percent. I wasn’t under any
illusions that Dan and I would make any sort of relationship work, but what I’d
felt when I’d been in his arms last night had made me realise that my other
relationships were founded on lies, that I didn’t feel for them the way I
should have, the way that I could do. And they certainly didn’t make me feel the
way I wanted to moving forward. I went and tucked the ring in the bottom of my
toiletries case, resolved to sell it when I got back to London.

After putting in a load of washing and dressing in
my lounging pants and jumper, I headed up to the office, fired up my laptop and
stuck my iPhone and iPad on charge. I couldn’t wait to see and speak to Brooke
later, I needed to offload and try and make sense of what had happened in the
last few days. I spent an hour or two browsing Rightmove, looking for a
property to rent in London, to tide me over until I’d raised enough money for a
deposit to buy a place of my own and bookmarked a few. I needed to review that
contract John had sent me too, and realised that Dan hadn’t set up the printer
for me. I bit my lip as I looked at the phone, really not wanting to speak to
him yet, but I couldn’t read that contract without his help. I sighed and dialled
him.

‘Miss Baxter,’ he answered, as if I were a
complete stranger, like he hadn’t had those suddenly formal lips between my
thighs last night making me scream with joy.

‘I’m sorry to trouble you, I really didn’t want to
bother you but I need access to a printer and you said you’d set one up for
me?’

‘Yes.’

‘When could you do that?’

‘Now.’

‘Now? O God, I just … I mean … I wasn’t expecting
to have to see you so soon. Not after … well, after we … you know.’ Damn it,
I’d wanted to remain professional and detached and I was coming over like a
bumbling idiot. Again. I noticed he hadn’t said a word. ‘I could hide in the
guest room until you’re gone.’

‘Hide?’

‘Yes.’

‘Because I’m an arsehole?’

‘I haven’t made up my mind on that yet.’

‘I’m sorry.’

‘I know you are,’ I sighed. ‘But it doesn’t help.
The printer?’

‘Give me ten minutes.’

‘I also need to know where the spare linen is.’

‘Spare linen?’

‘Yes, bedding, towels etc., for when I’m washing
and drying the ones I’m using now.’

‘O, right.’

‘You know he’s really not properly set up here for
tenants, who unlike me will probably be paying a premium to stay here.’

‘How so?’

‘Well, they’ll expect certain things that you
aren’t offering or he doesn’t seem to have thought about.’

‘Create me a list and print it. I’ll look into
it.’

‘Ok, when I have the printer, I will.’ There was a
silence as both of us just hung on. I could hear his steady breathing down the
phone and it reminded me of hearing him breathing down my ear last night. We
both started speaking at once, then there was another awkward pause. ‘You go
first.’

‘No you.’

‘I was just going to say I made a chilli con carne
yesterday and plated you some up. I’ll leave it on the island for you. You can
heat it up in your microwave.’

‘Thank you.’

‘You’re welcome. I told you I enjoy cooking. I
don’t think I can sit and eat with you again yet, but I’ll still make you
dinner and let you know when you can collect it.’

‘You’re too nice to me,’ he said quietly.

‘I care.’

‘Don’t,’ came the quick firm response.

‘Please don’t start again. What were you going to
say before?’

‘I was going to ask if you’re ok, but obviously
not if you can’t face me.’

‘I will be. It’s just hard after last night, it
was …
incredible
and then … then you just closed off on me and ran.’

‘I know.’ I heard a heavy sigh and the sound of
him running his hand over the stubble on his face.

‘The incredible or closing off?’

‘Both.’

‘You’re not short on confidence are you?’ I
laughed.

‘No,’ he replied, deadpan.

‘I’d better go so you can come and sort the
printer, I have things to do.’

‘What?’

‘I have my new contract to read over and I’m
looking at rental properties in London.’

‘Where will you stay until you find one?’

‘My best friend Brooke has a spare room which is
mine as long as I need it, but I think I need to spend some time on my own.
I’ve never been very good without people around me and I need to learn to be self-sufficient
and toughen up.’

‘You’re the bravest woman I’ve ever met.’

‘Don’t be nice, I can’t handle this if you’re
going to be nice again.’

‘As you wish. My friend has contacts in London, I
can reach out and see if they have anything suitable for rental.’

‘That’s really kind but I don’t think I’d be able
to afford the sort of places that your friend’s used to staying in.’

‘He’s not one for showing off, besides, it’s only
his estate agency contacts, they’ll have access to varying price brackets. He’s
a good enough client for them to let him know before something comes on the
market.’

‘Well, if it’s no trouble, that would be amazing.’

‘No trouble.’

‘All part of the service?’ I teased.

‘Yes.’ I could sense the smile down the phone, he
was warming up again. ‘What rental can you afford?’

‘I’d need to rework my finances, but assuming I
take this new job with the pay raise, still only about £2,000 a calendar
month.’

‘That’s low for central London.’

‘I know. I’m prepared to travel up to say an hour
to my office in Knightsbridge.’

‘I’ll see what his contacts can come up with.
Bedroom preference?’

‘Ideally two, but I could manage with one. No completely
open plan studios though. I’d like somewhere for a home office and can always
get a sofa bed for when friends visit.’

‘You’re taking the offer at your old firm?’ He
sounded surprised.

‘I may have no choice.’

‘Why?’

‘Well, I’ve not exactly been doing much writing
here and I’ll need a steady income to pay rent wherever I live. If I take the
job I can work from home and write in my free time.’

‘But I thought writing was your dream?’ he asked,
sounding puzzled.

‘It is, but dreams don’t pay the rent and bills,
Dan.’ There was another silence, which I wanted to fill with an endless stream
of questions about him, but I knew I wouldn’t get far with the answers. ‘It’s a
new day.’

‘It is.’

‘New day, new question,’ I tested and he went
quiet again, so I bit my lip to stop myself jumping in.

‘Go ahead,’ he eventually sighed.

‘Why do you hate yourself so much?’

‘Too broad a question.’

‘What happened to make you like this?’

‘Still too broad.’ He sounded irritated and I knew
I was pushing him too hard.

‘Do you still want me?’ I whispered.

‘Always,’ he answered without hesitation. ‘Ten
minutes.’ The line went dead and I let out a groan of frustration. I quickly
got his dinner out, covered it in cling film and set it out on the island, then
made myself a coffee and decided I wasn’t going to sit in the guest bedroom
with him feet away from me, so I went into the cinema room, tucked myself up in
the chair and started reading again. My heart skipped a beat when I heard the
front door unlock and I looked around at the solid oak door that divided us,
tempted to run out and force him to connect with me again, but I knew it wasn’t
fair. I also knew from the look I’d seen on his face last night that he wasn’t
ready.

I listened as he walked up the stairs and tried to
refocus on my book, but every time I did I could see him with his bare perfect
torso leaning over me on the kitchen island, his eyes alive with excitement and
desire. I closed mine and gave in to the replay, for about the eleventh time
since he’d left last night, and squirmed in the chair as I felt myself becoming
aroused. Without thinking I slipped my hand down under my knickers and groaned
to find myself so ready and began to circle my clit, imagining it was his
fingers again. The sensation was nowhere near as good as when he’d touched me
but it didn’t stop me from bringing myself to a quick hard orgasm and I let out
an involuntary cry.

‘Ellie?’ I heard his panicked yell from outside
the door. ‘What’s wrong?’

‘Nothing,’ I gasped.

‘I heard you cry out.’

‘I’m fine, please go if you’ve finished,’ I called
back, embarrassed.

‘I have. I’ve made you a fire too, it’s cold out.’

‘Thank you,’ I replied as I put my book down and
made my way to the door.

‘You’re welcome.’

‘Don’t forget your dinner.’

‘I won’t. Thank you.’

‘You’re welcome. Have a good night,’ I reached up
and touched the door, liking to imagine he was doing the same on the other
side. We were like ill-fated lovers that were never meant to be, our
“relationship” reminded me of Phantom of the Opera, him the cloaked and
shielded mystery, me the eager innocent who was inexplicably drawn to him.

‘You too. Goodnight, Miss Baxter.’

I listened to his footsteps on the oak floor, and
then the front door close and the key being turned. He’d gone, so I opened the
cinema door and stepped out. He was standing outside looking in, we locked eyes
and I caught my breath as I saw his chest expand, then he quickly turned and
walked away, my plate of dinner in his hands. I ran back up the stairs and went
and sat at the office desk and watched him head into the boathouse and close
the door.
‘Why couldn’t you have picked a nice easy guy in London to fall
for, Ellie Baxter,’
I muttered as I printed off the contract and went
through it with a fine-tooth comb. It all seemed perfectly in order, no clauses
in there that I didn’t like. It seemed a bit cheeky given the package, but I
wondered if he’d offer compensation if I wasn’t to take the company car, there
was nothing wrong with Maisie.

I created a spreadsheet for my finances and went
on the internet and started researching what sort of costs I’d be looking at
month to month for the bills, then remembered that I knew the access to Zac’s
internet banking. We’d initially started out with a joint current account, then
around the time we started having troubles he’d suggested separating them. I
should have realised then something was up, I kept my fingers crossed that he
hadn’t changed the passwords and he hadn’t. I quickly scribbled down all the
monthly payments he made towards the apartment and was shocked to see a really
large one to the bank. I clicked back on his list of accounts and scrolled down
to see there was a mortgage account. I sat back in the chair shocked, then
leaned forward to click on the account and see it in more detail. He’d taken
out a massive advance on the penthouse and it looked like he was in arrears. I felt
so ashamed that I could have lived with someone without even knowing him or
what he was up to.