30 Days (2 page)

This wasn't a big deal. It wasn't even really sex. Not really.

Masturbate. I could do that. Totally.

Some of the other cards though, Rob might have overestimated my taste for adventure. But at the very least I could do this one thing. I picked up the Day One card, set the others on my nightstand, and walked out to the kitchen to get something to eat.

It was only one thing. I didn't have to do everything in the pile. Hell, if I only ever did this one, it would be a change for the positive.

I used to love sex. We'd enjoyed each other, explored and had fun whenever we could. We hadn't been ready for kids, but that didn't stop us from practicing every moment we could. The more I thought about it, the more I realized I missed it. I was tired of feeling empty and alone.

I could do this.

Leaving my dishes on the table, I took the card and went into the bathroom. If I was seriously going to attempt this, then I was going to do it right. That meant preparations.

 

Water rolled across my body, making my fingers glide across my skin easily. I took my time and used a facecloth rather than my normal loofah. The shower had never been a place where I'd pleasured myself, but I knew if I was going to make this work, if I was going to take Rob's cards seriously, then like the other things in my life I needed to change up my routine.

So no relaxing in the bed where we'd once had so much fun.

After I'd finished with my quick wash, I dropped the facecloth on the holder and proceeded to wash my hair. I'd always had this thing about my head being touched, fingers being dragged across my scalp. There used to be a time when a trip to the hairdresser would result in me getting so turned on that I'd jump Rob the moment I walked through the door. Unlike every other occasion over the past two years, I took my time and let my nails move across my skin until I shivered.

The soap bubbles slipped down my neck and fell into piles on my chest. I moved a hand to push the suds across my breasts, my nipples already hard as I touched them. For a moment there wasn't the tingle of pleasure I used to feel whenever I'd touch myself. Again, I caressed the peak, pinching and rolling the sensitive skin between my finger and thumb.

It was hard to turn my brain off and simply feel. I pushed aside my emotions, the loneliness, everything and allowed my body to be the boss. I scraped my nail across my nipple, flicking it twice hard.

A gasp escaped me before I realized it was coming. My pussy pulsed and for the first time in forever I was aroused. God, it
had
been forever. I hadn't allowed myself to feel anything beyond anger and grief for far too long. It was as though I'd opened up a window and a strong breeze had blown through the numbness of my mind.

I hated when Rob was right.

Turning around, I rinsed the soap from my hair and put in the conditioner. The slick fluid was perfect for what I wanted to do. With my back to the shower spray, I pressed my fingers to my clit, circling the swelling flesh, and tried to relax into the sensations.

It felt nice.

I pressed my other hand against the wall to steady myself and closed my eyes. Flecks of water splashed across me, but I ignored them. My world was focused down to the space between my thighs, the place where only Rob had been, and my growing need to feel something pleasurable. I set a simple rhythm, something that had always gotten me where I wanted to go before. For a brief time it worked. It became harder to breathe and my body shook. I pressed harder, even took the chance to slip my fingers into my slick passage, remembering what it was like to have Rob press into me.

As soon as his face floated up into my mind the arousal I'd felt slipped away. One moment I was climbing the mountain to orgasmland and the next I'd crashed back to reality.

“Shit.” I pressed my forehead to the wall. That was anticlimactic.

And that thought got me giggling. Then I started to cry.

Okay, maybe I wasn't quite ready for this. I rinsed the conditioner from my hair and turned the water off. The towel was warm and dry wrapped around me, offering me a small measure of comfort for my failure.

2

N
ikki invited me to go to the farmers' market with her the following Saturday morning. The summer air was already warm despite the early hour and I'd been forced to pull my hair up into a bun. I loved my sister for so many reasons, but right now it was her ability to make me laugh that was winning me over.

“Dude, oh my God, look at this.” She picked up a cucumber the size of an arm and started waving it around. “You could kill someone with this. Or have a really pleasant night in.” She turned to the vendor and handed over her money. “This baby is mine. Hello, my darling. I shall take you home and make sweet, sweet love to you.” She kissed its tip.

“You're such a pig.” But the thought of my sister doing the nasty with a cucumber got me thinking about my own dilemma. Though I wasn't about to follow her lead and buy my date from a farmer.

“What's wrong?” She bumped my arm as we walked through the thinning crowds. “You were all smiling there and now you're not. I need my baby sister happy.”

“I'm happy.” No, I wasn't.

“No, you're not. Don't try to pull that shit on me. I'm a trained professional and know when people aren't telling me the truth.” That was the downside to having a psychologist as a sister—she always knew when something was wrong with me.

She hooked her arm in mine and pulled me over to a coffee vendor. Only once a large black coffee was firmly in my grasp did we find a table to rest. Nikki patted my hand before she guzzled down half of her drink.

“I don't know how you can drink that when it's still hot.”

“I'm a freak.” She grinned. “And you're trying to deflect the conversation. What's up?”

My family had made it a point not to bring Rob up with me anymore. They would talk to me about him if I started the conversation, but that was it. I never knew if it was because they didn't want to upset me, or if they didn't know what to say.

“This is a bit weird.” I'd started carrying Rob's last letter to me since I'd opened the envelope. While I didn't break down into tears anymore, I still felt a bit adrift. Having Rob's words close to me somehow made everything a bit easier. Nikki didn't say anything when I pulled the note from my purse and slid it across the table. “It's from Rob.”

Her eyes widened. “And you just found it now?”

“Not really. He told me about it before . . . at the beach. He said it was for a time when I thought I was ready to move on.”

Nikki had loved Rob like a kid brother, even though she was only two years older than him. He'd been around so long we teased him about changing his last name to Wood instead of me changing mine to Barrow. “And are you? Ready to move on.”

She sounded skeptical, which really wasn't surprising. Nikki had once claimed that Rob and I gave her hope that she'd find her soul mate someday. She was currently on the hunt for husband number four.

“I'm never going to forget him. And no, I'm not sure about getting back out there. But this isn't so much about dating as it is about sex.”

Nikki cocked her eyebrow and carefully picked up the letter. “Should I be reading this?”

“Would I give it to you if you shouldn't?”

“You totally would. Perv. Oh my God, he gave you sex cards.”

I burst out laughing at the look of horror on her face. “You do know that I've had sex, right? Many times.”

“Shut up. Eww.” She carefully set the note down. “Dare I ask what was on them?”

“Not unless you want to be scarred for life.” This was good, being able to talk about this and not feel the urge to cry. “I'm not about to start dating, but . . .”

“But you . . .” Nikki gave my hand another squeeze. “You're ready for something. He's right, you know. You should get out there and have some fun. Sex doesn't have to be about love. It can be about needing to feel something. To be touched. To get all those happy endorphins running through your brain so you don't kill someone.”

“Been awhile for you, too?” I grinned at her when she stuck out her tongue. “I know. You're right and Rob's right. I just can't help worry that I'm going to suck at sex. I knew what he liked. He knew my body and what got me off. We figured all that shit out together. I can't imagine trying to find someone new and learn all that over again.”

That had been the crux of my problem. Maybe it would have been different if I had dated before, had been intimate with another person, but that wasn't what had happened. My life had been flipped on its head. I could either continue to live a solitary life with my head and heart stuck in the past, or I could do what Rob wanted me to and take a step out into the big world on my own.

As much as I wanted to remain loyal to him, I was lonely.

“You know what? I think you should do it.” Nikki leaned back and looked over at the passing crowd. “I mean, you and Rob were perfect together. He's also right that you shouldn't jump into another relationship right away. We could have some fun, hit the bars, do a singles' cruise, anything that will get you out there in the path of some hot guys. I wouldn't worry about figuring out what they want. Most will tell you ad nauseam.”

Rob hadn't. He'd been surprisingly quiet in bed throughout our marriage. “His first card was something simple, but I haven't even been able to do that.”

“What did it say?”

Shit, I really didn't want to be having this conversation in public. I took a breath and ignored my rising discomfort. “He told me to masturbate.”

Nikki blinked several times. “You mean you haven't been?”

“No. Sex wasn't exactly on the top of my list in the past while.”

“I know but . . . seriously?”

I rolled my eyes. “I know this is hard to believe, but I don't normally have sex on the brain.” The antidepressants I'd been on after Rob's death hadn't helped either. Being off them at least made the idea of sex more appealing.

“Shit.” She shook her head. “I would have gone insane.” She shoved the bag holding the giant cucumber over to me. “You clearly need this more than I do.”

“Don't be an ass. I'm not going to use that.” Well, maybe to make a nice cucumber salad, but that would be it.

“Do you have something to use? A decent vibrator and some porn?”

I knew my face was bright red. Blushing at the drop of a hat was something I hated about myself. “I have something in the nightstand. I think.”

Nikki grinned and leaned in close. “We should go to the sex shop. Even if you have something, this is all about new beginnings. You need to have new toys, ones that are just for you. And lube. And other stuff.” She got to her feet and gathered everything up. “Come on.”

“No.”

“Now, Alyssa.”

“No.”

“Listen to your sister. You need this.”

“I'm not going to—”

“Yes, you are.” I was on my feet before I knew what was happening. Nikki pulled me along behind her, pausing only long enough to talk to a couple with a small child. “Need a table? We're all done here.”

“I hate you.” I didn't. In fact I was finally starting to feel as though I might have a handle on this. That with Nikki's help I'd be able to take my first step into my new life.

Apparently there would be lots of vibrators in my future.

But no cucumbers.

3

I
would like to say that I'd handled myself admirably at the sex shop, but that would be a lie. My face had been flushed and I'd fumbled my way through looking at the packages on the shelves and in the bins.

Whenever we'd needed stuff in the past, it had been Rob who'd made the trip to the store. Alone. I'd always been too embarrassed to go in with him. Well, it was more than that. I was worried that I'd run into someone I knew there. How does a person explain to a coworker why they're looking at a butt plug? Or a strap-on? Not that we'd ever used either of those, but the potential for even having that conversation was enough to keep me away.

I no longer had the luxury of making someone else do the purchasing.

Nikki laughed at me the entire time and took perverse pleasure in shoving silicone cocks in my face. She'd always been more self-assured than me, even as a little kid. It was one of her more annoying qualities.

Nikki placed into my hands a giant cock so big that it couldn't possibly fit into a human body. “I think I found what you need.”

An older man turned the corner and walked into our aisle as I held the cock. We made eye contact for the briefest of moments before his gaze slipped down to what I held. Then he grinned.

I dropped the cock and turned to face the shelf in front of me. Vibrators.
Yeah, and this one looks good.
The package claimed attachments of some sort and
new multidirectional vibrating action.
Sure, fine. I turned and ran for the checkout. Nikki laughed as she trailed behind me. “You are the biggest chicken.”

“Shut up.”

“That might not even be a good one!”

The last thing I could handle right then was a dildo lesson from my sister. “It's fine.” I didn't stop moving until I reached the checkout.

“Is that everything?” The clerk was a young girl who didn't look old enough to work here. Her brown hair was pulled back into a tight bun and her makeup was impeccably done. She smiled as she scanned the dildo, as though this wasn't the single most embarrassing purchase I'd ever made. “Do you have our frequent buyer card?”

“Yes and no.” I wanted to die.

Nikki dumped a pile of things onto the counter. “She'll take these as well. Oh and this, too.” A DVD was tossed on top of the pile. “That's a good movie.”

The girl picked it up and her eyes widened. “Oh, I love this one. It's a bit low-budget, but you know the sex was great.”

Nikki made the strangest noise, one that I could only classify as a purr. “The pirate. With the attachments where the hook should go.”

“Yeah. He's fucking hot.” The girl clicked her tongue. “You'll love this.”

Yup, I'd actually died and this was hell. “Thanks.” I glared at Nikki, who only smiled. “That's everything.”

I only saw as far as the bottle of tingling lube before I handed over my credit card. I doubt I could return any of this stuff, so I prayed Nikki hadn't screwed me over. Proverbially speaking.

 

Now, having survived the trials of the sex shop, I was faced with the monumental task of opening yet another door, which proved to be challenging. Someday I'd relearn this basic skill. As I stood searching through my purse for my keys to the building, a bag filled with sex toys and various things tucked under my arm, I counted the minutes until I could lie on my bed and have a nap.

“Hey, can I get that for you?”

I jumped at the sound of the distinctly male voice behind me and my keys fell to the ground by my feet. Turning, I came face to face with Mr. Nice Ass. Unlike the brief glimpse I'd gotten of him the day before, I had nothing blocking my view of his physical perfection. Tall, built like a runner, with rich brown eyes and neatly cropped black hair. As he got closer, the scent of his aftershave and a hint of coffee washed over me. A pang of desire burned low in my belly, and my pussy took notice. He was easily one of the most attractive men I'd even gotten this close to in my life.

God, did that make me a bad wife?
Sorry, Rob.

“I didn't mean to startle you.” He reached down and picked up my keys. “I recognized you from the other day when I moved in and wanted to say hi. I haven't had a chance to meet many of my neighbors yet.”

“No worries. I've just . . . it's been a weird day.” I readjusted the bag beneath my arm and prayed he wouldn't notice the sex shop's logo. “I'm Alyssa Barrow.”

“Harrison Kemp.” He grinned. “My mom was a
Star Wars
fan.”

“Nice.” I turned and managed to find the proper key, sliding it home. It didn't help ease the tension building in my body. It was hard to take a deep breath and not be aware of my proximity to him. “How are you finding your place? Are you all settled in?”

The air was tremendously cooler than what it was outside and the T-shirt and lace bra I had on did little to cover my now hard nipples. Great, I could use the bag I had to cover up the perky evidence, but then I'd be showing off my purchase. Or I could do nothing and let the girls advertise their presence.

Aw, fuck it. I decided to borrow a lesson from Nikki and try not to care what Harrison might think, no matter how awkward it made me feel.

“I'm still surrounded by boxes. I learned long ago that I suck at unpacking. With luck I'll have everything where it should be right before my contract is up and I have to move again.” He kept pace with me, his gaze dipping only briefly before returning to my eyes.

I straightened my shoulders and kept walking beside Harrison as we made our way toward the condos. “That would drive me nuts. My husband used to keep things in boxes just to get me worked up.” I stopped walking and took a breath. “Rather, my late husband.”

Harrison frowned. “I'm sorry for your loss.”

“Thanks.” There were many people I talked about Rob with, but it didn't seem right sharing anything with Harrison. “Well this is me. We usually have a condo association meeting once a month in the old cafeteria. It's coming up in a few days. I'll see you there if not sooner.”

“I'll be in and out of my place a lot for the next little bit. I keep buying stuff. I'm sure I have it in a box somewhere, but you know. It was nice to meet you, Alyssa.” He smiled, but didn't linger long at my door. “Have a great evening.”

The air in my condo was still and filled with the scent of my air freshener. The urge to laugh was only slightly stronger than my urge to puke. Hot cute guy had chatted me up while I had sex toys in a bag and intended to go to bed and get myself off.

Or as I now called it in my house—Friday.

The one positive thing about running into Harrison was the added rush of adrenaline that now coursed through my veins. It would hopefully help ramp up my arousal so that I could garner some success with my Day One task. If I ever wanted to move on with my life, then I needed to get over my guilt. I had given myself permission to explore new things, feel fresh emotions. I had to conquer card number one.

Damn card number one.

I didn't bother to go into my bedroom this time, instead dumping the contents of my bag across the coffee table. Two bottles of lube—one heated, one regular—one silicone dildo, a DVD, a box containing a vibrating . . . egg? “Shit, Nikki.” Beneath the other items was the one thing that I'd picked out for myself, albeit in a hurry, the package containing a blue metal vibrator.

I'd had a vibrator back when Rob and I had first gotten together, but it was nothing like this one. Long, thick, with a curve to the shaft that the clerk claimed would press directly against my G-spot. Guaranteed to make me scream and stars to appear before my eyes. I closed my eyes and emptied my mind of everything. It was hard to acknowledge the torrent of emotions spinning around inside me, but I did. Then I pushed them aside and prepared myself. I needed this. I owed it to myself.

Time to get this show on the road.

Setting the package on its edge, I stood and stripped off my T-shirt, shorts, and socks. My bra and panties were mismatched—not that I cared much about that these days—chosen for comfort rather than looks. Dropping my discarded clothing aside, I picked up the DVD and made my way to my entertainment center. I'd watched some porn in the past, but it wasn't a regular thing for me. I knew Rob had some videos on his computer, stuff he'd put on when he was horny and I was too tired or sore to do anything to help him out. Until today, it wasn't really something that I'd considered necessary in my sex life.

The case of the DVD proclaimed that this was some sort of parody of a big blockbuster movie. Nikki assured me on the drive home that this was a female-friendly flick and that I'd enjoy it. I don't have a freaking clue about the difference between porn for men and women, so I was going to have to trust her on that one.

After slipping the disk into the player, I grabbed the package with the dildo and went and fetched a pair of scissors from the kitchen. It only took a few minutes to free it from its prison and clean it up for use. By the time I'd returned to the living room the movie was in full swing.

Pirates. There were sexy pirates on my screen. And they were getting naked.

Okay. I could work with this.

I set the vibrator beside me on the couch and turned my attention to the action on the screen. The man had dropped to his knees in front of the pirate queen and was kissing his way down her body. The appreciative noises coming from the woman were plentiful, soft moans punctuated by the occasional gasp. I braced my feet on the coffee table, letting my legs fall apart. While I was determined to enjoy myself, I suddenly didn't want to rush things. There was no pressure to hurry and finish. No one else I needed to take into account. There was only me, my body, and two sexy pirates. If I wanted to do nothing but watch the show, then that was fine. I could get myself off super-quick and get back to other business. I could be selfish and not worry about a thing.

Cool.

The entire first sex scene went by and I'd held off doing anything to my body. My nipples had grown hard beneath the fabric of my bra. My pussy dampened my panties as my excitement grew. There was an actual story to this porno and I felt myself getting pulled into the events. By the time the next scene came around and our hero was ready to seduce the heroine, I was ready for action.

The vibrator was a comforting weight in my hand as I picked it up. I'd decided that I'd try to mimic the actions of the hero in the movie with the toy. Without taking my eyes from the screen, I ran the vibrator across my cheek and lips as he moved his hard cock across his pirate woman's face. When she opened her mouth and sucked and licked on the rigid shaft, I pressed the cool metal into my own mouth. I ran my tongue around the tip, shivering at the metallic taste. I sucked hard, licked the length of the shaft, and ran the tip across my lips again, all the while picturing the male pirate.

“I need to suck on your luscious tits.” The line should have made me giggle, but instead my breath caught and my pussy pulsed. There was something in his voice, a note of control mixed with lust that resonated deep within me.

On the screen the hero pushed the heroine back against a rug in front of a raging fire. He pulled her shirt down, exposing her breasts and causing the woman to arch her back. I followed suit, pulling the front of my bra down without undoing the back clasp. My breasts were thrust upward, my nipples hard, sensitive. As the hero kissed his way down her neck to her chest, I moved the still-wet vibrator down as well, circling the first nipple before moving on to the second.

My body started to tremble and I knew I wouldn't be able to hold back much longer. It had been ages since I'd had any physical release that was related to sexual pleasure. Now that I'd finally set myself along this path, I couldn't hold back. Thankfully, the pirate didn't leave me waiting for long.

He stripped his lady-love of her clothing and likewise I removed my panties. They were already wet from my arousal, the heavy scent of my musk clinging to them. I let them drop to the floor and repositioned myself with my legs spread wide. I was anxious to simply push the vibrator into my pussy and turn it on, but I knew once I did that I wouldn't last long at all. Instead, I slowly dragged it down across my stomach and circled it around my mound before finally dragging the tip down across my clit.

Had the vibrator been turned on I would have come.

Instead I kept going until I could press the tip into my pussy and feel the pleasant stretch of my muscles after all this time. The pirate on the screen wasn't quite ready to fuck his lover, but I wasn't waiting for him. Reaching down with my free hand, I turned the end of the vibrator to activate it.

I gasped as the sensations brought me to life. I half-thought that I'd come right then, but my body held strong against the onslaught. It took a moment for me to adjust. I was finally able to relax into the pleasure, enjoying it without going too fast. I began to pump the vibrator in and out, teasing and circling my entrance every now and again. After a few moments, I turned the vibrator up another few notches, increasing the intensity.

My body loved it.

“Fuck me hard. Make me yours.” The heroine was on all fours now, her ass on display and her breasts swinging free.

They were nice breasts. Big and full with nipples that were ready to suck on . . . and when the hell did I ever pay attention to breasts?
Who cares? Just enjoy.

While I continued to fuck myself, I flicked my fingertip across my nipple. The sensation was swallowed up initially, overpowered by the strength of the vibrations in my pussy. But I continued, setting a rhythm that matched the thrusting metal and my breath came out in gasps. My breasts became more responsive as each flick of my fingers increased their sensitivity.