3 Heads & a Tail (15 page)

Wednesday night? So he
'
s seeing other women as well as Josie? Asshole!
When
can I t
ell Josie? I have to tell
her
!
Th
en she
'
ll like Ben. Oh, I can
'
t tell her,
I
'
m a dog. That
'
s right. She doesn
'
t understand doggie language. Damn it.
“
Grrrr.
”
Oh, the stork is
staring
at me now.
“
GRRRRRRRR
.
”
 

“
Well
,
David, you s
eem to have your hands full at the moment
. I
'
m not too good with dogs. Ring me
,
baby
,
or I
'
m coming to find you!
”
she says, grabbing his face and kissing him big on the lips. Wow, she
'
s not shy is she? David
'
s not complaining. David,
I so want to piss in your shoes!
One day...

Plan – how to tell Josie that David is cheating. How do I do that?
How?
Why do humans cheat
anyway
?
If I had a regular doggie friend I wouldn
'
t be cheating. Now
,
if I was seeing M
iss Golden Paws, well... oo
ps
, where
'
s he taking me now?
We
'
re heading
across the park. Now where? Oo
h
, squirrels... stop! O
k
ay
, no stopping. We
'
re going to
t
he coffee shop, the one by the lake.
Are we stopping?
Will I get a nice cool drink
? Yes, they
'
ve put
a
bowl of water
by the door. Great!
I
'
m drooling.

But, w
hat
'
s he doing now?
He
'
s tying me to the pole!
That
'
s nice. Oh yeah, no dogs allowed. Who made
up that rule?
Come on! We
'
re not dirty! We
'
re man
'
s best fr
iend. We should be allowed in buildings, e
specially when it
'
s cold
and raining! Have a heart! Well, a
t least
this water is cool
on my tongue
! That
'
s me done. Now where
'
s
Asshole
gone?

Ah, he
'
s
gone inside. I can see you
, stupid
!
He
'
s talking to the girl who makes coffee. She
'
s making a drink. He
'
s paying. Oh, he
'
s not paying. She
'
s g
iving him the drink for free!
I can
'
t believe it!
She
'
s holding his hand?!
“
Voof
,
voof
,
voof
,
voof!
”
Now
they
'
re both looking at me
'
cos I
'
m barking so loudly. Yes, look at me! The dog! I can see you holding hands and I
'
m not impressed
,
mister! Ok
ay
, ignore me!
I
'
m just the dog. Hold hands, kiss... y
ou
'
re kissing her
too?

Right,
I
'
m not
watching
any more
of this
. I
'
m going round the side, pulling my
lead as far as it goes and
sitting on the grass. I
'
m gonna wait here. Poor Josie,
I have to be nicer to
her
. She has to
be
with Ben. How do I get her to notice Ben? Plan, plan, plan! Maybe I can bring Josie to the coffee shop when
I know David will be here.
Then she
'
ll see what he
'
s like.
I could d
o that. That
'
s a plan!

But how does he do it? How does
David
ge
t all of these women? What do they
see in
him? Why can
'
t I do this with lady dogs? W
ell, my track record isn
'
t too good.
“
Voof.
”
It
'
s rubbish, be honest.
“
Voof.
”
I can
'
t chat up lady dogs. I
'
m useless. They don
'
t even notice me. Poodles? Well, poodles with pink bows notice me, but not the lady dogs that I like. And
here
I
'
m thinking
of
M
is
s Perfect Gold. She doesn
'
t even see me. If I act more David-like, would she notice me? If I try
walking like him, all confident, and gaze at the lady dogs,
would that work? He does that big
cheesy
smile. I could try smiling more.
“
Voof.
”
Nah, I
'
m gonna look dopey. I just know I
'
ll look dopey.

Maybe if I practic
e more with the
Frisbee,
become more athletic? I dun
no, t
here must be some secret
to becoming popular
with lady doggies. L
et
'
s face it, I
'
m just like Ben. We
'
re both rubbish with
females,
totally
u
seless. We don
'
t know what to do. We just wait and hope. I hope we don
'
t have to wait too long or our bits might stop working. Or they might
drop
off.
Can
that happen? Is that possible? I hope not.
“
Voof.
”
I
'
m just going to lie here and whine.
“
H
oo
mp
hff!
”
It
'
s a dog
'
s life.

“
H
ow
'
s the new place goin
g
, Kay
?
”
asked Josie
, as they walked down the street
.
“
Settled in
now?
”

Her friend
nodded.
“
I love having
my own space.
”

“
Oo
h,
”
pouted Josie,
“
so
you don
'
t miss me?
”

“
Of course I do!
”
Kay nudged her.
“
But it
'
s
the first time I
'
ve lived on my own. I love it. I
'
m decorating it how I like, with all the stuff I choose. So different from l
iving with the ex – I
was just
agreeing to what he wanted all the time.
”

“
I get it.
I
'
m r
eally pleased for you. Did you get all your stuff back at last?
”

“
Almost,
but I
'
ve given up wi
th the other bits. He kept my PlayStation, you know, b
ut I
'
m not going to ask
for it again
. Besides, t
hat thi
ng used up so much of my time – t
here
'
s more to life than
blasting
spaced-out
zombies!
”

“
Yeah
,
you could be chatting
'
em up in pubs
instead
!
”
grinned Josie.
“
Shame he wouldn
'
t give all of
y
our stuff back. He must still be angry.
”

“
I guess,
but he was the one messing around
. That
knocked my confidence for six. She wasn
'
t even nice
, that girl.
I do
n
'
t know what he was thinking.
”

“
I don
'
t think he was thinking with his big head,
”
said Josie, trying to lighten the
mood
.

“
I know. Anyway,
it
'
s in the past. Moving on and all that... now it
'
s the new
,
improved Kay!
”

“
H
ere
'
s the pub,
”
announced
Josie.
“
Gets quicker each time we
walk it!
”

“
Y
ou
'
re s
ure there
'
s a band on tonight?
”

“
Yep,
I asked Ben if there was one
, but he
'
s not coming,
”
replied Josie.
“
He was actually a bit abrupt when I asked.
”

“
That
'
s a shame,
”
said Kay.
“
What do you think of Ben?
”

“
I
'
m not going there
,
Kay!
”
giggled Josie, opening the door of the pub.

“
Spoilsport,
”
said Kay, poking her tongue out. She pulled down her top slightly to show a bit more cleavage and angled her chin as she
entered
the pub.

It was packed. The stage was towards the left, but all of
the seats were filled.
Some guys were gathered around the pool table and there was a queue at the bar. All of the
men
waiting for a beer clocked Kay
'
s outfit as she strode in. She was
wearing shorts and heels – the
poor blokes didn
'
t stand a chance. She pushed out her chest a tiny bit as she swished past. They inhaled and didn
'
t exhale again until she
'
d past, dusting them in her perfume.
They wilted.

“
Must be a good band tonight,
”
said Josie.

“
Yeah
,
but have you noticed that most of the chairs
at the front
are full of women?
”
observed Kay.
“
Maybe the band is hot stuff too.
”