3 Heads & a Tail (14 page)

“
I
'
m just enjoying
life
,
my dea
r!
You may as well rent yours out as a bird
'
s
nest if you don
'
t use it soon!
”

“
Kay! Y
ou
'
re so crude!
”
Josie
giggled
.
“
I
'
ve got to go now.
I needed a quick pep talk. I
'
ve been
shaking in my shoes
going home
. This morning e
ven the dog was looking at me li
ke I
'
d done something wrong
. I felt so guilty that I said sorry!
”

“
To the dog?!
”

“
Yes, to the dog! Imagine!
How crazy is that?
”

“
You were hungover,
”
reminded Kay, trying not to laugh. She
pictured
Glen telling
off Josie
in a
stern way with no tail wagging, barking
'
you
n
aughty girl!
'
“
Anyway, even if something did happen, why f
eel guilty? You
'
re both
single adult
s
–
what
'
s the problem?
”

“
The problem is w
e live in the same h
ouse.
It
'
s so
embarrassing
.
I
want to
be
able to relax
at home
with no
stress
.
”

“
I get ya
'
,
”
said Kay, realising it wouldn
'
t help to
make a
joke about horizontal positions being relaxing.
“
It might be
weird
for a few days, but then everything will
go back to normal, y
ou
'
ll see.
Don
'
t worry. I imagine
David
'
s p
retty experienced
and p
robably does this every week. No big deal to him!
”

“
Thanks!
Not sure if
the idea of
David being a tart makes me feel better or worse, but I know wha
t you
'
re trying to say.
Gotta go
now
. Have a nice afternoon and see you
tonight for the band
.
”
S
he put the mobile into her bag
and breathed a huge sigh.

“
Walkies
!
”

W
here can I hide? I go
tta hide, a
nywhere.
Whoosh!
I
'
m running into the lounge
. Where? Where can I go? Ooo
ch. Behind the sofa? Too ob
vious, h
e
'
ll check there. Behind t
he TV? It
'
s too small! Behind t
he curtains
?
Yes! Great idea.
Oh no,
I
'
m too do
ggie big. My bum
'
s sticking out!

“
Come on Glen, walkies!
”
yells
David
from the corridor
.

He
'
s coming in.
I can hear the door.

“
Glen!
”

Spotted. He
'
s seen my big bum sticking out of the curtain. Damn.
“
Voof.
”
No
,
I don
'
t wanna go walkies with you. I hate you. I
'
d piss in your shoes again, but I know Ben will tell me off
'
cos
there
'
s no-one else to blame. I c
an
'
t i
magine Josie pissing in shoes. Asshole!

“
Come on!
”

Damn, he
'
s putting the lead on my collar. I
'
m not moving. You
'
re going to have to drag me. Go on. Not strong enough
,
are you? You can dra
g and drag, but I
'
m not moving, going nowhere.
You
'
re just going to look stupid. You are stupid anyway, but you
'
re too stupid to know how stupid you
are, Mr S
tupid!

“
If you come for a walk
,
I
'
ll buy you those special dog biscuits you like.
The ones Ben doesn
'
t buy
in case your teeth fall out!
”
says
David, bending down.

“
Voof.
”
Now you
'
re talking. Ok
ay
.
I feel like a hypocrite, but it is exercise and t
hat
'
s good for me. Ben would be pleased. And there are doggie biscuits at the end of it. Not any old biscuit,
but the special ones.
Ben wouldn
'
t be pleased about that bit
of the deal
, but they taste so good.
I
'
m licking my lips just thinking about
them
.

And
w
e
'
re off!
We
'
re heading do
wn the street. Mind the doo doo! N
ot so fast
,
man! Don
'
t drag me ... through.
.. the ... doo doo... ooh,
David
! Dammit
! N
ow I stink
of another dog
'
s butt.
Where
'
s the grass?
Get me to the grass quick
,
you oaf
,
so that I can wipe my
paws
!

“
Come on boy, there
'
s no cars...
”

I can see there are
no cars! Do I look blind
to you
? Are you my guide human?
“
Grrrr.
”
I can
'
t move so fast
'
cos my paws are covered in another dog
gie
'
s doo doo
,
and that
'
s your fault
,
mister. Mister Idiot Tight Pants.

Great –
grass. Hold on, I
'
m wiping my
paws
. Yep, that
'
s what I
'
m doing. Don
'
t stare. Never seen a dog wipe its
paws
before?
“
Voof
!
”
A
ll done, we can keep going now. You see, now you know that
the
dragging thing really doe
sn
'
t work on this dog. No sir
ee
.

Wow, how I love this park. Every time I come
here it
'
s like the first time. Just l
ove it – the
smell of th
e grass, the trees, the flowers... mmm
. T
he best flowers
are just where you walk
in.
“
Voof.
”
Even walking with David
,
of all humans
, it i
s still
nice
. Now
,
am I going to see her? Will she be here today? It
'
s a bit late in the afternoon – she
'
s normally earlier – but maybe?

“
Hi David!
”
smiles
a foxy woman with white-coloured hair
, wearing
white trousers and a white vest, walking her white poodle. I guess she likes white, but who is she? She
'
s
kissing him
on the cheek! I thought he liked
Josie. What
'
s he up to?

“
Hi Sam!
”
replies
David, his annoyingly white teeth glinting in the sun. I wonder if he paints them with
glow-in-the-dark paint. Yep,
that
'
s alright, I
'
ll just stand here getting bored while you pose for the woman.

Why do poodles have bows in their fur? I don
'
t get it. That just looks
stupid
.
And it
'
s pink!
It
'
s v
ery undoggie-like. You
'
d never catch a gold
en Lab with a bow on its head. That
'
s just so undignified.

T
hey
'
re still talking.
Yaket
y, yak, yak.
I
'
m bored. Stop staring at me
,
poodle, please. I
'
m not in the mood
for conversation today. Sorry.
Ah
, great,
they
'
ve finished
talking
. What? She kisses him again? Oh, and we
'
re off again. Bye
,
poodle, sorry about that stupid
pink
bow on your h
ead. Makes you look like a girl!

And we
'
re off,
strutting
though the park. T
he geese are by the lake. Can I chase
'
em? Can I
? Can I? Yes, I
'
m looking at you, gormless. N
o
pe, y
ou
'
re not going to let me off the lead are you? Well that
'
s
just
fine. Ben doesn
'
t let me chase the geese anyway. I w
ouldn
'
t bite them, just play. Ooh, squirrels – can
I chase the squirrels?
Can I?
Guess not.

“
Well h
ell
o
,
sexy!
”
says a tall, dark-
haired woman wearing a very short skirt and the highest heels I
'
ve ever
seen. She looks like a stork – a
stork with a woman
'
s head. How does she walk in them? I don
'
t get it. Why do women wear those things?
Do her feet stay in that
shape
when she takes them off? What? She
'
s kissing him as well?

“
Hello Veronica! H
ow are you?
”
asks
David,
giving
his cheesy smile.

“
Why haven
'
t you rung me,
honey? I
'
m missing my Wednesday night
roll
!
”