(1987) The Celestial Bed (13 page)

‘That’s true, but it’s different.’

Ignoring his remark, Gayle went on, ‘I remember that on some of your later dates, you tried to make love to women. I’m sure you undressed completely.’

‘I did. But I didn’t like it.’

They were standing before Gayle’s therapy room, and she opened the door and waved him inside. The overhead fluorescent lights were already on. They were direct, businesslike, clearly not illumination that was low and seductive.

‘You’ll find this easier, much easier,’ Gayle said. She swung a hand at the furniture. ‘Sit down wherever you like, Adam.’ He sat edgily in the nearest pull-up chair.

Gayle had gone to the full-length mirror to consider herself. She had purposely dressed down for this occasion. No turn-on clothes, not any garment that might be regarded as sexy. No see-through blouse or half-bra or clinging skirt or sheer nylon stockings or boots. She was wearing a loose-fitting pullover sweater with a modest V-neck, a light wool skirt, no stockings, and low-heeled shoes. It was a sexless uniform that could be discarded without much delay.

Still dressed, she pivoted from the long mirror to confront Demski.

‘Let me tell you what body imaging is, Adam.’

She explained the technique of body imaging to him.

When she had finished, Demski repeated, ‘Stand in front of the mirror?’

‘With nothing on. Nude. And go through the same drill I’ve just done. Pointing to your various body parts and relating to me how you feel about them.’

‘Well, maybe I won’t know how. I mean, I’ve never tried that.’

‘You’ll know,’ Gayle assured him. ‘I’m not saying it’s exactly the same when women and men body image. Women are likely to spend more time talking about their faces. Women are much more into make-up, cosmetics, and worrying how they look to outsiders. Men are most often ready to skip their faces, and go to

what counts for them. A man may go straight to his penis and want to talk about that. Because his penis is all he’s interested in talking about. But frequently, men will go from head to toe and go past their genitals without mentioning them. If they” do that, I mention it afterwards, and tell them they forgot their genitals and ask how they feel about them. I’m not interested in asking why they skipped that area, because I don’t need to know, and I have no judgments to make. But I do want them to get back to that area and talk about it. I mean, that’s basically what this is all about. Do you understand the procedure, Adam?’

‘I’m not sure. Maybe I do.’

‘Well, just imitate me. When it’s your turn, do what I’ve done. You can do it, I’m sure.’

‘If you think so.’

Gayle offered Demski a warm smile, and said softly, ‘Now you stand up, Adam, and let’s both take off our clothes.’

‘At the same time?’

‘No matter. Let’s just undress.’ As he wobbled to his feet, she added in a kindly tone, ‘Undressing, Adam, doesn’t mean you have to get an erection and jump into bed and make it with me. It means only what I’ve explained — we are undressing so that you can get in touch with how you feel about your whole body, because you’ve never thought about it that much, and to give me some information about your body and how you feel about it, and most of all, to give us an easier and closer relationship. OK?’

‘OK,’ he said glumly.

She half turned away, as she began to pull her sweater over her head, and did not fix on his own fumbling efforts to undress so as not to inhibit further what he was trying to do.

She had her sweater off, reached behind to unfasten her brassiere and tossed it on a chair, then unzipped her skirt, let it drop to the carpet, kicking it aside, along with her shoes. She could see, from the mirror, that she was naked except for her tight nylon panties. She slipped them down and stepped out of them. In the mirror she could observe Demski undressing at last. His shirt was off, and his trousers. He was lingering over his polka-dot jock shorts.

‘You can sit down again, when you’re through,’ she called out.

When she turned fully toward him, he was seated once more.

She could not see his penis. Somehow he had covered it with his bare arms crossed over his bare thighs.

Not wishing to make him more self-conscious, she pivoted back to the mirror, but could see him from an angle with his eyes wide and fastened on her entire person reflected in the glass.

Well, that was all right, she told herself. He had probably never before seen a young woman naked in a bright light for so long. It might relax him a little. What surely would relax him more would be her own performance before the mirror. If she did it well, he would become engrossed in watching her and would soon forget that he himself was sitting there naked. He would, if she succeeded, become so entranced by her cool manner while analysing herself that he would lose any sense of shame. And when his turn came, he might be less petrified.

But now it was her turn, her cue to start this off.

‘All right, Adam, this is our body-imaging exercise,’ she began, facing the full-length mirror squarely.

‘My hair,’ she said, fluffing the short bob. ‘I rather like it this way, and I like being a brunette. I never wanted to be a real blonde, and have that kind of pubic hair. There’s something insubstantial, lightweight about being a blonde. A nice cute brunette like me … you can always trust someone like me. Remember that, Adam.’

In the mirror she detected the tiniest flicker of amusement about his mouth.

Her forefinger went down to her nose. ‘Not bad, but not great either. The upturned nose has its point. Pun, Adam, get it? But in truth, it is a little too wide for my own taste. A narrower nose could be more appealing.’

Her forefinger moved down to her mouth. ‘In romance novels these are called generous lips. And they are. Men seem to like them, like their cushiony softness when they kiss, so I shouldn’t complain. As long as you like them, Adam.’

‘I do, Gayle.’

She placed her hands under her breasts. ‘How about these, without a bra to hold them up more firmly? What do you make of them?’

‘They’re beautiful,’ Demski said, with a choke in his voice.

Gayle considered her breasts briefly in the mirror. ‘I don’t know. I’m not sure. I always remember when I was a youngster,

during puberty, and I had practically no breasts at all. I thought they’d never grow, and I’d be like boys, and boys would never care for me. Well, they finally came along all right, and there was no question I was a girl, but I was never sure if young men expected and wanted more. I know breasts much smaller than mine look great on fashion models in the fancier women’s magazines. But men are not interested in those shapes. They like what they see in men’s magazines, the big boobs, the thirty-eights. Well, that’s not me, and I’m not sure I’m happy.’

‘They’re beautiful, Gayle,’ Demski repeated, ‘to me. Just right.’

Her fingers patted her flat, firm stomach.

‘No complaints here,’ she said. ‘My weight’s fine and I don’t even have to diet.’

Her hand went lazily down to her thatch of dark pubic hair. ‘OK, my vaginal mound and my triangle of pubic hair. I’m somewhat ambivalent about it all, aesthetically. It’s full, and downy, and soft, and I’m frankly pleased about that. Some women I’ve seen have pubic hair that seems as prickly as steel wool. Mine feels like a tiny pillow of the softest wee feathers. So why am I ambivalent about what I see? I’ll tell you why. Maybe you can’t see it very well now, but you will certainly see it when you’re up closer to me. While my pubic hair seems thick enough all around, it isn’t down the middle. It seems to thin out, and therefore you can see - anyway, I can see - my clitoris, and below it, the lips of my outer labia and vulva -I suppose there’s not much wrong with it, their being exposed - but somehow I often think I’d like those vital parts kept hidden until someone has the fun of finding them.’

Gayle glanced up at the mirror. She could see Demski hypnotised, swallowing, unable to speak.

She reached behind her and tried to grasp her buttocks in both hands.

‘Definitely too much of a good thing. Nature was overabundant here. I don’t like to wear a girdle or have any restraints, so my ass is always out there wiggling in the wind. I don’t like it. I’m unhappy with it.’

After that, Gayle went to her hips, her thighs, her knees, her calves, right down to her toes, doing a commentary all the while.

Done, she wheeled slowly to confront Demski.

‘Do you have any remarks to make, Adam?’

‘Well, I — ‘ His voice sank out of hearing.

‘Come on, Adam … well, what? Give me a break. Speak the truth.’

‘Uh, I think you have a lovely ass.’

‘You do?’

‘It’s not too big. Uh, and the rest - ’

‘The rest of what?’ She could see where his eyes were focused. ‘You mean my vagina?’

He nodded vigorously. ‘You — you were being over-critical. You look good to me.’

She smiled, pleased. ‘You’re giving me close to a rave review.’

‘A real rave review,’ Demski said.

She clapped her hands with undisguised pleasure and walked right up to him. ‘You’re a gentleman, Adam, a gentleman and a scholar,’ and she bent over him, one breast brushing his face, and kissed him on the forehead. ‘I thank you.’

Then she reached down and gripped both of his forearms hard, uncrossing his arms, lifting them away from his crotch, and pulling him to his feet. He recoiled a little, tried to twist away from her, but she held onto him, making him stand directly before her.

‘Now, it’s your turn to do the body image for me,’ she said.

Trying to escape her eyes, he half ran nakedly to the full-length mirror, as if to hide in the looking glass away from her, only his unprotected back to her.

Then, trembling, he stood erect before the mirror, and he could see that she had sunk down in his chair, her eyes on the reflection of him in the glass. His arms hung helpless at his side. There was no hiding from her anymore.

Gayle settled back, never pretending not to look, her green eyes holding on the reflection of him in the mirror.

Not half bad, she thought. Rather tall, too bony and skinny, his ribs showing. Smooth thighs, knobbly knees, sturdy legs. But the place she could not help focusing on was the understandable source of his trouble and fear. It was small. An inch and a half maybe. What made it seem even smaller were his balls, the bags hanging low and full, like an oversized frame on a mere miniature.

Yet, she felt challenged. It was not impossible, she knew. She was certain that she could make that miniature stand straight up to be counted, one day a source of pride, not shame, to him. She knew that it could happen. He had come to her with what he thought was a toothpick. If she succeeded, he would leave her

thinking he was carrying a telephone pole. Yes, if she succeeded. She would try her damnedest to save him.

She hoped she could do it. Starting tonight. Oh, God, she would try.

‘OK, Adam, you saw me body imaging. Please do the same in the mirror for me, starting with the hair on your head.’

Demski nodded, but remained motionless considering himself in the mirror, and the reflection of Gayle in it off to one side. Almost imperceptibly, he changed his stance, leaning more on his left leg, then placing his legs apart. It was as if he was ignoring his shame ever so slightly.

Observing this, Gayle perceived what was on his mind. His attitude of relaxation had come as a sort of surrender. He was utterly naked; he could be seen from head to toe, his problem could be seen. There was nothing to hide anymore. She knew. Yet her expression was noncritical, perfectly accepting.

Exhaling, Demski reached for his upper hairline, patted his pompadour, mumbled something about the fact that at least he had a head of hair. Maybe this was good because it was aesthetically pleasing; at the same time it was bad because his hair probably deceived some members of the opposite sex into thinking he was virile.

He had no patience for discussing his various facial features, his rather pigeon-breasted chest, his flat but soft abdomen. He mumbled a short sentence or two about each of those areas, and then he did what Gayle had seen other men do when they had his condition. He went straight to the trouble zone.

He pointed down at his penis, while watching himself unhappily in the mirror.

‘Then there’s this,’ he said a bit loudly. ‘You can see — no use kidding ourselves — it’s too small.’

Gayle sat up. ‘I don’t think it’s too small,’ she said decisively. ‘There’s no such thing as too small. Tell me, Adam, tell me exactly what bothers you about it?’

‘Like I said, it’s too small. Fortunately, it’s mostly hidden. I don’t want any women to see it. They might laugh at me, or make some cracks about it.’ Before she could speak, he added, ‘You know it happened twice.’

‘I know. But those were exceptional reactions. The two women were expressing their anger against men in general. If one hundred

women had seen your penis, I am sure ninety-eight would not have reacted adversely, would have been ready to go ahead with lovemaking.’

‘I don’t think so.’

She wanted to shake him. ‘Adam, you must believe me. I’m a young woman. I’ve had some experience with different kinds of men. If we undressed together to make love, I would not care if your penis was one inch long or two inches, or ten. Anyway, it would more than double or triple in size once you’re aroused. You must have seen that when you masturbated. Your size simply wouldn’t matter. I would just want to hold you, and know it would be all right, and know what followed would be pleasurable.’

‘How could you, when you’ve seen — ’

‘Seen what?’ she interrupted sarcastically. ‘I know what’s bugging you, and I know you’ve been completely misled. When you were a kid in grammar school, junior high, high school, even college, wherever, and had to undress with other young men, you were conscious of the difference between your body and theirs. In your eyes, you were frail, puny, and your penis too small, and by contrast all of the others were muscular, hairy, and they all had big penises. And after that, whenever you went to a porno movie or peeled through a men’s girlie magazine, all the men that were shown frontally nude had big penises, just as the nude women had big breasts. Because the idiots who cast those characters suspect that most of the ignorant male population equates a large penis with great sex. When actually, one has nothing to do with the other.’