150 Movies You Should See Before You Die (35 page)

Answer: B. In 1967, Roger Patterson shot a minute-long film of an alleged Bigfoot
crossing a stream deep within a California wilderness.

PRODUCER
Gregorio Sacristán

WRITERS
Sam X. Abarbanel, José Antonio Nieves Conde, G. Sacristán, and Gregg C. Tallas

DIRECTOR
José Antonio Nieves Conde

STARS
Arturo Fernández (
Professor Andre
), James Philbrook (
Dr. Pete
Asilov
), Soledad Miranda (
Maria
), Lola Gaos (
Calliope
), José Bódalo (
Mr.
Dorman
), and Ingrid Pitt (
Sofia Minelli
)

A group of treasure hunters blast openings in a series of caves and unleash invisible, flesh-eating dinosaurs that have been dormant for thousands of years.

Why It Sucks

It's a movie about invisible dinosaurs. Of course, it's a clever idea if you want to make a monster movie without any budget for special effects. But the filmmakers “show” the dinosaurs by filming long scenes of empty cave sets. I'm not kidding. Almost as bad a choice are dance routines by Soledad Miranda and Ingrid Pitt.

Thumbs Down Rating:

The Crappies

The Don't Quit Your Day Job Award goes to …
Soledad Miranda and Ingrid Pitt for proving they would have been finished as of the first episode of
Dancing with the Stars.

And the Worst Director Award goes to …
José Antonio Nieves Conde for turning invisible dinosaurs into show-killing pictures of empty caves.

They Really Said It!

Maria
: And just how was he killed? This something, do you know what it was, Uncle Andre?

Professor Andre
: Maybe a heart attack.

Dorman
: Oh … and did he slash himself when he was dying?

Betcha Didn't Know

This was Ingrid Pitt's first screen appearance. She later appeared in
Where Eagles Dare
, alongside Clint Eastwood and Richard Burton, and many other films.

Soledad Miranda had just signed a contract with a German filmmaker for a role that promised to be her big break when she was killed in a car accident in 1970. She was twenty-seven years old.

Trivia Quiz

Which of the following movies does
not
feature dinosaurs snacking on humans?

A:
Jurassic Park
(1993)

B:
One Million Years
B.C.
(1966) C: Galaxy of Dinosaurs
(1992)

D:
Year One
(2009)

Answer: D. It may have mangled history, but at least
Year One
was dinosaur-free.

PRODUCERS
Wouter Barendrecht, Satoru Iseki, Nansun Shi, and Michael J. Werner (executive producers), Tsui Hark (producer)

WRITER
Tsui Hark

DIRECTOR
Wellson Chin

STARS
Ji Chun Hua (
Master Mao Shan
), Kwok-Kwan Chan (
Choi
), Ken Chang (
Hei
), Suet Lam (
Kung
), Michael Chow Man-Kin (
Fat
), Rongguang Yu (
Master Jiang
), and Anya (
Sasa
)

When master vampire hunter (Hua) and his four apprentices (Chan, Chang, Lam, and Chow Man-Kin) are separated after a disastrous confrontation with a Vampire King, the four young men take up jobs as servants in the house of a mysterious embalmer. Meanwhile, the vampire continues to kill ….

Why It Sucks

Vampire Hunters
is full of subplots, sub-subplots, and characters who jam up the screen like an LA freeway at rush hour. Nothing gets resolved or explained because the various elements are tripping over each other. Of four vampire-busting heroes only one plays a major role. The rest disappear for most of the film.

Thumbs Down Rating:

The Crappies

The Fool Me Once Award goes to …
Wellson Chin for making a movie with an exciting first ten minutes that sink into confusion.

And the Worst Writer Award goes to …
Tsui Hark for giving us four vampire hunters, each with a form of elemental magic … but not ever letting us see them use it.

They Really Said It!

Master Jiang
: What kind of dumb names are those? From now on, you're Kung, you're Hei, you're Fat, and you're Choi. Good Chinese names!

Betcha Didn't Know

The film is set in the seventeenth century, yet the American DVD release states it takes place in the nineteenth century.

The Legend of the Seven Golden Vampires
, a co-production between British Hammer Films and the Hong Kong-based Shaw Brothers and the first film to cross martial arts with the horror genre, was released in 1974. It was released in the U.S. in a highly re-edited version under title
The Seven Brothers Meet Dracula
.

Trivia Quiz

Which of the creatives involved with this movie studied filmmaking at the University of Texas, Austin?

A: Wellson Chin

B: Ken Chang

C: Tsui Hark

D: Anya

Answer: C. Tsui Hark graduated in 1974.

PRODUCERS
Deborah Del Prete, David S. Greathouse, and Gigi Pritzker

WRITERS
Scott Pourry and Glasgow Phillips (story), Glasgow Phillips (script)

DIRECTOR
Glasgow Phillips

STARS
James Denton (
Elmer
), Chris Kattan (
Luke
), Navi Rawat (
Sue
), Matt Besser (
Claypool
), Chris Coppala (
Cletus
), and Leslie Jordan (
Padre
)

Two hapless outlaws (Denton and Kattan) team up with Geronimo's niece (Rawat) to escape an Indian curse that's rapidly turning southwest America into a land of flesh-eating zombies. All the while, an undead corrupt sheriff (Besser) and his zombie posse is hot on their trail.

Why It Sucks

Undead or Alive
is a fun zombie-Western comedy (yes, you read that right!) if — and it's a big
if
— you can tolerate the notion of a zombie Western and you have a high tolerance for anachronisms and films driven by plot conveniences. If, on the other hand, you're not turned on by these things, this is just a big mess.