10 Ten Big Ones (12 page)

I didn't think Ranger would throw me against a wall or out a window. My fear was more that we'd stop being friends. And there was also a small fear that retribution would be sexual. Ranger would never do anything that wasn't consensual. Problem was, once Ranger truly invaded my space there wasn't a lot I didn't eventually consent to. Ranger was very good in close.

Okay, so what's up for the day? Harold Pancek was my only outstanding case. I needed to work at finding Pancek. Probably I should check up on Carol Cantell. I should stay out of Slayerland.

And I needed to find an apartment for Valerie.

A call to Morelli was in the number one slot.

'Hey, ' I said when he answered. 'Just wanted to make sure you're okay. '

'Where are you?'

`I'm in the truck on the way to work. Any new damage from the

Slayers?'

'No. It was a quiet night... After you left. So what's the deal, are you coming back?'

'No. Never. '

We both knew that was a big fib. I always came back.

'One of these days we should probably grow up, ' Morelli said.

'Yeah, ' I said, 'but I don't think we should feel rushed into it. '

I'm thinking I might ask Joyce Earnhardt out on a date. '

Joyce Earnhardt was a total skank and my arch enemy. That would be a definite detour off the road to maturity, ' I told him.

Morelli gave a snort of laughter and hung up.

Half an hour later, I was in the office, and Connie and Lula were standing noses pressed to the front window.

That vehicle sitting at the curb looks like Ranger's personal truck, ' Lula said.

'It's a loaner, ' I told her.

'Yep. It's Ranger's. '

'Oh boy, ' Connie said.

'No strings attached, ' I told them.

Lula and Connie smiled. There were always strings attached.

They'd plotz if they knew about the Bat Cave. For that matter, I was having a hard time not plotzing when I thought about the Bat

Cave.

Today is Harold Pancek Day, ' I said.

'He's a no-brainer, ' Connie said. 'I've been checking on him. He works at the multiplex. Shows up every day at two and works until ten. If you can't get him at home, you can get him at work. '

'Have you tried calling him?'

'I reached him once, and he told me he'd come in for rescheduling. He was a no-show on that. And now I get a machine when I call. '

1 vote we get him tonight at the multiplex, ' Lula said. There's a movie I want to see. It's that one where the world gets blown up and there's only mutants left. I saw the ad on television, and one of those mutants is really fine. We could go to the movie and then snag ol' Harold on the way out. ' She was thumbing through the paper on Connie's desk, searching for the entertainment page.

'Here it is. That movie starts at seven thirty. '

The plan had a lot going for it. It would give me the entire day to try to find a place for Valerie. And it would take up some of my night. I didn't want to go back to Ranger's apartment until the building was in low-to-no traffic mode. Plus I'd seen those ads Lula was talking about and the mutant was extremely fine.

'Okey dokey, ' I said. 'We'll go tonight. I'll pick you up at six thirty. '

'You're gonna be in the Bat Truck, right?'

It's all I've got. '

'I bet you get a tingle when you sit in it, ' Lula said. 'I can't wait.

I want to try behind the wheel. I bet you feel like a real badass behind the wheel. '

Mostly I felt like I was wearing someone else's underpants.

'What are you doing for the rest of the day?' Lula wanted to know.

I took Connie's paper and turned to real estate. 'I'm looking for an apartment for Valerie. She's not showing a lot of motivation to vacate mine, so I thought I'd help her out. '

'I thought you were all settled in with Morelli, ' Lula said. 'Uh oh, is there trouble in paradise?'

I started circling rentals. 'No trouble. I just want my own space back. '

I was concentrating on the paper, not looking up, not wanting to see Lula's and Connie's reactions.

I finished circling, folded the paper, and put it in my shoulder bag. `I'm taking the back end of your paper, ' I said to Connie. 'And there's no trouble. '

'Hunh, ' Lula said. She leaned forward and sniffed. 'Damned if you don't smell good. You smell just like Ranger. '

'Must be the truck, ' I said.

I'd barely gotten out the door when my cell phone rang.

'It's your mother, ' my mother said. As if I wouldn't know her voice. 'Everybody's here, and we were wondering if you could stop by for just a second to take a look at some dress colors. We picked out a gown, but we need to make sure it's okay with you. '

'Everybody?'

'Valerie and the wedding planner. '

'The wedding planner? You mean Sally?'

'I never realized he knew so much about fabric and accessorizing, ' my mother said.

Grandma Mazur was at the door, waiting for me, when I parked behind the big yellow school bus, in front of my parents' house.

'Now that's a truck, ' she said, eyeballing Ranger's Ford. 'I wouldn't mind having a truck like that. I bet it's got leather seats and everything. ' She leaned forward and sniffed. 'And don't you smell good. What is that, a new perfume?'

It's soap. And it won't go away. '

'It smells sort of... Sexy. '

Tell me about it. I was in love with myself.

'Not necessary, ' I told her. I can't stay long. '

My mother, Valerie, and Sally were having coffee at the kitchen table. There were some fabric samples, next to the coffee cake, and Valerie had a couple pages torn from a magazine in front of her.

'Sit, ' my mother said. 'Bring a chair. '

'Can't. Got things to do. '

Sally handed one of the pages to me. This is a picture of the bridesmaids' dresses. Your dress will be the same, but a different color. I'm still thinking pumpkin. '

'Sure, ' I said. 'Pumpkin would be terrific. ' Anything would be okay at this point. I didn't want to be a party pooper, but I had other things on my mind.

'What things do you have to do?' Grandma wanted to know.

'Bounty hunter things. '

My mother made the sign of the cross.

'You should see Stephanie's new truck, ' Grandma Mazur said. 'It looks like a truck the devil himself would drive. '

This got everyone's attention.

'It's a loaner from Ranger, ' I said. 'I had some problems with the

Buick, and I haven't got the insurance money from the Escape yet. '

Another sign of the cross from my mother.

'What's sticking out of your bag?' Grandma asked me. 'Looks like the want ads in the paper. Are you looking for a car? I could go with if you're looking for a car. I like cars. '

`I'm not looking for a car today. Val's been too busy with the new baby to look for an apartment, so I thought I'd help her out. I saw a couple places in the paper that looked interesting. '

Valerie reached out and took the paper from my bag. 'No kidding? Wow, that's really nice of you. Is there anything good in here?'

My mother scooted around so she could look at the paper with

Valerie.

'I called on the way here. It's a duplex on Moffit Street. The house next to Gino's Tomato Pie. The owner lives in the other half.

I told her I'd stop around this morning. '

1 know that house, ' Grandma said. 'It's pretty nice. Lois

Krishewitz used to own that house. She sold it two years ago when she broke her hip and had to move into assisted living. '

Valerie was on her feet. 'Just give me a minute to get a few things together for the baby, and then we can go look at it. We wanted to buy, but we can't seem to scrape together a down payment. This would give us more space in the meantime. '

'I'll get my purse, ' my mother said.

`I'll come, too, ' Sally said, The, too, ' Grandma said.

*We can take my bus, ' Sally said. 'We'll have more room. '

This is gonna be cool, ' Grandma said, starting for the door.

'We're gonna be just like the Partridge family. Remember when they all traveled around in that bus?'

Don't panic, I told myself. We're just going a short distance. If you sit low in your seat no one will see you.

Valerie had the baby in a carrier on her back and the big patchwork quilt diaper bag over her shoulder. 'Where's my purse?' she asked. `I need my purse. '

Grandma handed Val her purse. And Val draped her big shoulder bag over her free shoulder.

'Jeez, Val, ' I said, 'let me give you a hand with some of that. '

Thanks, ' she said, 'but I'm balanced this way. I do this all the time. '

I don't mean to sound cynical, but if Val ever needed fast cash we could probably get her a job as a pack animal. She could work alongside the mules that take people into the Grand Canyon.

'I've got my checkbook, ' my mother said, closing the door behind us. 'Just in case we like the house. '

Valerie lumbered down the porch steps, followed by Grandma.

'I want the front seat, ' Grandma said, hurrying along. 'I don't want to miss anything. '

He had a shark tooth necklace around his neck, and the volume of his hair seemed to have increased since I saw him last. He settled little heart-shaped Lolita-type sunglasses on his big hook nose, and he started the bus.

'You gotta turn at the corner, ' Grandma told him. Then you go two blocks and make a right. '

Sally took the first corner wide, and Grandma slid off her seat, onto the floor.

'Fuck, ' Sally said, looking down at Grandma. Snap.

'Don't worry about me, ' Grandma said, righting herself. 'I just didn't remember to hold on. I don't know how all those little kids do it. These seats are slippery. '

The kids are all over the fucking bus all the time, ' Sally said. 'Oh shit. ' Snap, snap.

'Sounds like you're having a relapse, ' Grandma said to Sally. 'You were doing real good for a while there. '

'I have to concentrate, ' Sally told her. 'Its hard to stop doing something that took me years to perfect. '

'I can see that, ' Grandma said. 'And it's a shame you have to give up something you're so good at. '

'Yeah, but it's for a good cause, ' Sally said. It's for the little dudes. '

Sally eased the bus up to the curb in front of the rental house and opened the door with a whoosh of the hydraulic. 'Here we are. ' he said. 'Everybody out. '

I tagged along after my mother, Grandma Mazur, Valerie and the baby, and Sally as they all hustled up to the front porch.

My mother knocked on the landlords door, and everyone quieted down for a moment. My mother knocked a second time.

Still, no one opened the door.

'That's odd, ' Grandma said. 'I thought she was supposed to be home. '

Sally put his ear to the door. 'I think I hear someone breathing in there. '

Probably she was on the floor, having a coronary. A herd of lunatics just got out of a big yellow school bus and descended on her porch.

'You better open up if you're in there, ' Grandma yelled. 'We got a bounty hunter out here. '

The door cracked open, the security chain in place. 'Edna? Is that you?' the woman asked.

'Esther Hamish. I always sit by you at bingo. '

'Esther Hamish!' Grandma said. `I didn't know you were the one who bought this house. '

'Yep, ' Esther said. 'I had some money socked away from Harry's insurance policy, God bless him, may he rest in peace. '

Everyone made the sign of the cross. Rest in peace, we all said.

'Well, we come to see about the rental, ' Grandma told Esther.

This here's my granddaughter. She's looking for a place. '

'How nice, ' Esther said. 'Let me get the key. You had me going for a minute there. I've never had a school bus park in front of my house before. '

`Yeah, ' Grandma said. 'It's new to us, too, but we're getting used to it. I like that it's a nice cheery yellow. Its a real happy color.

Problem is, it blocks the view of the street. Of course I guess it could be worse. We could have our view blocked by one of those vans that carries aliens around. I was listening to news on the radio, and they said a bunch of aliens were found dead from heatstroke in one of them vans yesterday. Imagine that. Here these poor creatures travel through space to get to us, all those light years and galaxies away, and then they die from heat stroke in a van. '

'What a shame, ' Esther said.

I'm just glad it wasn't in front of my house, ' Grandma said. I'd feel terrible if I had to find ET dead in a van. '

Seven

Esther Hamish's rental was a lot like my parents' house. Living room, dining room, kitchen on the ground floor. Three small bedrooms and bath on the second floor. Narrow backyard.

Minuscule front yard. A stand-alone, two-car garage to the rear of the property.

The interior was clean but tired. The bathroom and kitchen were serviceable but dated. Again, a lot like my parents' house.

And clearly the house was occupied.

'When will it be available?' Valerie asked.

'Two weeks, ' Esther said. `I have a young family in here now, and they just bought a house. They'll be moving in two weeks. '

'Wait a minute, ' I said. 'The paper said immediate occupancy. '

Two weeks. I'll be dead in two weeks! Valerie needs to move out of my apartment now.

Valerie turned to my mother. 'What do you think?'

'It's perfect, ' my mother said.

Esther looked at Sally. 'Are you the son-in-law?'

'Nope, ' Sally said. 'I'm the bus driver and the wedding planner. '

'The son-in-law is a lawyer, ' my mother said proudly.

Esther perked up when she heard that.

'You should take it, ' Grandma said to Valerie.

'Yeah, ' Sally said. 'You should take it. '

'Okay, ' Valerie said. 'It's a deal. '

So here we go again, there's good news, and there's bad news.

The good news is I'm getting my apartment back. The bad news is

I'm not getting it back soon enough.

'I need a doughnut, ' I said, more to myself than anyone else.

'That's a good idea, ' Grandma said. 'I could go for a doughnut. '

'Back to the bus, ' Sally said. 'We're all going for doughnuts. '

Five minutes later, Sally was parked in front of Tasty Pastry. The doors whooshed open and everyone tramped out for celebratory doughnuts. Grandma picked out two, my mother picked out two, Valerie got two, and Sally got two. And I got a dozen. I said they were for the office, but if my day didn't improve there was a good chance I'd eat every last one of them.

Renee Platt was behind the counter. 'Wow, it's really brave of you to take on the Slayers, ' she said to me. 'I sure wouldn't want to mess with any of those guys. '

'Who are the Slayers?' my mother wanted to know.