04 Last (29 page)

“You know me…” I said.

“Some days,” he agreed.

He came over and pulled me in to his arms. Still close, he leaned down and kissed me. It was sweet and full of longing. He had missed me. I smiled as he leaned away again. He returned my smile with his boyish, charming look.

“Reaper and Eli got in to a fight while you were pretending to be Buddha,” Daniel said.

“Define ‘fight,’” I said.

“I had the peel Reaper off of Eli to keep him from pushing his nose in to the back of his skull,” Daniel said.

That was a shock. My emotions stirred in my chest.

“Wow. Why?”

“Why do you think ‘why’?” Daniel said.

“Was that a legitimate question?” I asked.

Daniel smiled and led me to the steps. Our pace was slow as we walked; we were two lovers out for an early morning stroll. We weren’t two Watchers who had just spent four days apart – one of us learning how to sit.

“Tension has been boiling over,” Daniel said. “They’ve been stuck together in a small house, and they were circling around the issue for a couple of days. Alex has been avoiding them both. Something small set them off…a comment by Eli. Reaper has more of a temper than I thought.”

“Love does that,” I said.

“Love?” Daniel sounded surprised.

“Reaper and Alex. They don’t know it yet, but…yeah, love.”

“Huh…” Daniel said, sounding surprised.

“Where are they now?” I asked.

“Serenity and Eli decided to hole up in an old general store. They thought it would be better for everyone.”

“Yeah, I don’t doubt that,” I said. “Alex?”

“She’s been spending all her time with Spider and Margaret. She’s not really been talking much.”

“She’s been hanging out with Margaret?” I asked.

“If you’re going to go mute, Margaret is the person to do it with,” Daniel said.

“That’s very true,” I said. “Has there been any…”

After delving so deeply in to the peace of not thinking, I didn’t want to ask about Marcus.

“River has been calling Reaper every day. It’s been quiet. They have people keeping an ear out for information. Most of the Saints aren’t even on the boat anymore…River has been keeping them busy trying to find out what they can. Marcus is proving his skill at disappearing, though. No one can tell what he’s planning.”

“Not until he’s already killed us all and taken over the world,” I said.

“Cheery thought,” Daniel said.

“Kind of true, though,” I said.

“Reaper figured out what was on the thumb-drive. It was the virus…Reaper thinks Marcus intends on releasing it soon. Sevier’s name came up on it. We don’t know how he’s connected but we’re going to find out when we’re done here…”

“Talk about cheery thoughts…” I said.

Alex was sitting on the porch of the house. The sight of her took away my thoughts of Marcus. She was eyeing the predawn landscape with dark eyes. She looked exhausted, as if she hadn’t slept in days. She had been lost in thought when we reached her. She fixed her expression and smiled when she saw us.

“How was training?” she asked.

“I sat,” I said.

“I could have done that,” Alex said.

“Yeah, you could have. Reaper and Eli?” I asked.

“A mess,” she replied. “But not worth talking about.”

“Not worth talking about?” I repeated skeptically.

“How about, I don’t want to talk about it?” she asked.

“Well, at least that’s honest,” I said.

“Yes,” she admitted.

She wrinkled her nose at me, some of her good cheer coming back at the sight of us. It was cheer of having a friend around, instead of the drama of two people fighting over her.

“Clare, I love you muchly, but you stink badly,” she added.

“Was that a poem?" I asked.

“Yeah…ode to odor,” she said.

I smelled myself. “I think you’re right.”

Alex looked at Daniel. “How could you not notice that?” she asked.

“It’s called ‘manners,’” Daniel teased her gently. “And I have them.”

“Get off that high-horse,” Alex said. “We all know you have a mean streak.”

Daniel shrugged.

“What have you been doing about showers?” I asked.

“There’s a stream,” Alex said.

“It is fall in Idaho,” I pointed out.

“It makes you hurry,” Alex agreed. “But it gets the job done.”

“Fine,” I said. “I’ll go bathe.”

“Sara came by you were sitting in a cave,” Alex said. “She brought our things. Your bag and guitar are in the house.”

She thumbed back to the house they had restored while I had been lost in thinking of nothing. I was grateful to have things that reminded of something beyond nothing – to have proof of my past. It made me feel grounded to know those things were there.

“Okay,” I said. “We’ll talk when I’m clean,” I promised.

I went inside and got a change of clothes from my bag Alex had set on one of the beds. My guitar was next to it, looking perfect and serene. My fingers twitched with the urge to play, but I resisted and focused on my clothes. Then, the dawn rising slowly, I went to the river Alex had mentioned.

The river was clear and more than a little cold. Shards of ice drifted past me as I stared at the water. My skin erupted in to goose bumps just looking at the water. There was no way I wanted to endure that sort of cold just to get clean. For the first time in my life, I understood why people didn’t bathe regularly pre-plumbing. It would have been an act of bravery simply to bathe.

“You could always go somewhere with a real shower,” a voice suggested.

I turned around and saw that Daniel had followed me to the water. His hands were stuck in his pockets as he too looked at the water. He looked casual, more casual than I had seen him in a long time.

“Were you planning on spying on me while I bathed?” I asked him.

“I never spy,” Daniel said.

“You have before,” I pointed out.

“That was for your safety…” he said. “And I never watched you while you were naked.”

“Yeah, yeah,” I said. “It’s still spying.”

“Did Yoda tell you not to leave?” Daniel asked.

“Did you just make a Star Wars reference for my sake?” I asked.

“Yep,” he agreed.

“That’s sweet,” I said.

“Well, did she?” he asked, a mischievous smile on his lips.

“No, she didn’t,” I admitted.

“So, let’s go somewhere with warm water,” Daniel said.

“Together?” I asked.

His smile turned wicked.

“Any ideas of a place?” I asked.

I held out my hand and his thoughts of a place where we could shower in warmth and privacy filled my brain. It was his penthouse in New York. The location firmly in my mind, our bodies merged in to the darkness and beyond.

I was almost late to meet the historian that night. Being with Daniel made me lose track of the time...it was another way of thinking of nothing, beyond him. When I got to her cave, she was waiting for me. She was standing over the rose, looking at it with a lost expression on her face. When she looked up, her eyes were no longer ‘lost.’ She was serious – and had the look of someone who had been disobeyed. The look in her eyes told me she knew I had left.

“Don’t leave again,” she warned. “Not until I give you permission to do so.”

I frowned at her command but didn’t argue with her. I figured there was a good reason for it – at least, I was trusting there was. That faith made me stifle my normal rebellious tendencies.

“Okay,” I said.

She went over to the area with her books and picked up the sword I had given her. The silver glinted back at me as her hand touched the metal – it was the glint of coming violence.

“You’ve thought of nothing, now you must think of everything,” she said.

She didn’t give me time to respond. She swung at my head. I ducked. A small piece of my hair was cut by the sword. I stepped back.

“Are you crazy?!” I asked.

She didn’t reply. She swung at me again. This time, the sword caught on my shirt. It tore the fabric and came within inches of my stomach. I moved out of the way and pulled my knife from my boot. The size of the knife felt ridiculous compared to her sword, but it was all I had. It would have to do. The look in her eyes suggested she would hurt me if that’s what it took to get her lesson across. All I knew was that I was not eager to be stabbed by a sword older than the United States. She swung the sword again; this time I blocked the sword with my dagger and tried to follow through with a jab at her face. She hit me with her spare hand and sent me flying on to my back. She didn’t give me time to catch my breath, she moved in for the kill. I had to roll to avoid the downward slash of the sword. As I found my feet again, my dagger held low in front of me, my knees bent, she had more advice.

“Do not just think of the attack,” she said. “Get a feel for what I am going to do. Use the talents you have used in the past. Do not limit yourself to the physical. Move before I move. Don’t just react.”

As she said it, she made another jab for my lower body. I jumped out of the way of the sword and tried to do as she asked. I tried to focus on fire, on strength, on moving through the darkness, but all I could think of was her sword and not letting it find me. It was a singular focus I had a hard time letting go of. I did my best, but my best was not good enough. An hour later, the historian finally stopped trying to kill me. She lowered her sword.

My lip was bleeding, my whole body was hurting and I had a sharp, throbbing headache. Sweat covered my body; I was in desperate need of another shower. The historian’s eyes were slightly disappointed as she looked at me.

“I had expected more,” she said. “Now sit, and think of nothing.”

I groaned, but did as she asked. I sat on the hard floor and stared at the white rose in front of me.

It took me the rest of the day to clear my mind from the fight and the disappointment I held in my brain at letting the historian down. I thought mastering her lessons would be simple. I had thought it was just about doing whatever she said and working hard. I was wrong. I lacked certain innate abilities; control being one of them. I wasn’t as strong as I had thought.

It was easy to get lost in the doubt and the self-pity, easier than I was used to. But, as I stared at the rose, I promised to not let my limitations get in the way of what we were trying to accomplish. The world depended on it.

Once I had made that choice, letting go was easy. It was still dark, however, before I found the peace of mind to think of ‘nothing.’ My breathing slowed and my mind cleared of the doubt and worry.

“You may go,” the historian said from behind me.

I got up, realizing my knife was still in my hand, and passed her without speaking. I was too tired to talk or ask her how she always knew when my brain was at peace.

Daniel met me outside the cave again. His face was pale in the darkness. I could only vaguely see his features, but I sensed his worry without having to see his face. It was in every shift he made; it made me think something bad had happened.

“What’s wrong?” I asked.

“Nothing,” he lied. “Are you tired?” he asked.

“A bit,” I admitted.

“Alex and Spider started a bonfire, but if you want to rest…” Daniel said.

“I could sit at a bonfire,” I said.

He smiled and took my hand. “I thought you would say that,” he said.

“That’s because you’re a know-it-all,” I said.

His smile grew. He led me to where the others, minus Serenity and Eli, were gathered around a large bonfire, next to the house we had restored. Spider was staring at the flames, while Alex was tending to the fire by adding sticks and branches. Margaret and Jackson were also staring at the fire, but I sensed a different pensiveness on their brains. It wasn’t the same distraction that had Spider’s forehead twisted like a melted truck on pavement, at least. Spider’s problem seemed more personal. Margaret and Jackson were probably feeling the weight of the isolation and the desire to be alone. It was an easy desire to have when they had spent so long wrapped up in our adventure. Reaper sat a bit removed from the others. His dark features were darker with the twilight upon us. The normal happy, teasing I had grown accustomed to around them was gone. The mood around the bonfire reflected their worry; it was repressive and didn’t help my own personal darkness and the fear that I was un-trainable.

“Is this a party or a funeral?” I asked them, stepping in to the flickering light of the fire.

As one, their expressions changed to a more upbeat one. The lie was touching; it was one they endorsed for my benefit alone. It reminded me that they were living in an abandoned farmhouse for me – to stick by my side as I endured the historian’s training. It was a move that didn’t come without sacrifices on their part; especially to Watchers so used to action.

Spider moved over to give Daniel and me room to sit. I sat and looked in to the flames, letting the rhythm of the fire bring its own peace. It was a different peace than thinking of nothing, but peace all the same. The air around us was cool and frosty with the weather, but the fire was warm. It gave off flickering warmth that went straight to my bones. I felt some of the stress of letting the historian down dwindle away. Everything would be okay as long as I could look at the fire and enjoy the good company around me.