04 - Born to be Wilde.txt (39 page)

With a sigh that seemed to unravel her from the inside out, she sat back down on the couch, already feeling the quiet and solitude of her apartment closing in on her. Yeah, she had her life back, but it sure didn't amount to much without Joel in it.

Chapter Nineteen

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SYDNEY stared at her reflection in the bathroom mirror, not sure that she even recognized the woman staring back at her anymore. Sure, she was very familiar with those green eyes—though currently red and puffy from a crying jag, and lined by dark circles due to her sleepless nights—and auburn curls, and even that voluptuous body that she saw on a daily basis and had been using to her advantage for years now, but she was referring to the person inside the body. And for the past few days since Daniel had walked out of her life, she'd spent a whole lot of time wondering how in the world she'd gotten to this point in her life… and, more shocking, she wasn't sure she liked who and what she'd become.

Oh, she knew that her past circumstances had molded her into someone driven, yet cautious when it came to relationships. Not to mention jaded and untrusting of men and their motives. Thanks to Tim Carson, it had become an instinctive part of her personality, as well as her way of protecting her heart and emotions and never allowing anyone to ever use her again for their own personal gain.

For years she'd been the one in control when it came to men and relationships. She called the shots. She took what she wanted and walked away when she'd had enough. For her and the guys she'd chosen to date, it had always been about having a good time and uncomplicated sex.

Until Daniel. He was the one man who'd ever wanted more than just sex from her, and it had scared the crap out of her. So did the emotions and feelings he'd stirred within her that were so foreign to her woman's heart. The wanting. The yearning. The need to let him be a part of her life beyond that physical attraction.

She drew in a shaky breath and swiped at the fresh batch of tears surging to the surface. She'd spent a whole lot of time thinking about everything Daniel had said to her, and now she tried to see herself from his perspective, beyond her looks, her ample curves, and all that superficial crap she'd hidden behind for much too long. And what she saw was a woman who wished she had someone to share her burdens with, beyond Lora. A woman who craved stability, the comfort of a man's embrace, and a shoulder to lean on during those rough times. But mostly what she saw was a woman who ached to be loved unconditionally.

Daniel had offered her all those things, and she'd pushed him away because she was too scared to believe someone like him, someone so honest and caring and a man who treated her with respect, could be for real. When he said he didn't care about her past, she'd desperately wanted to believe him. When he'd told her that it was okay to let him love her because he wasn't going to disappoint her like so many had in her past, instead of trusting him, she'd pushed him away out of fear.

And now, she was alone, and for the first time in her life, her heart hurt. And that brash and bold woman who used her body, and sex, to her advantage, no longer appealed to her.

It was a hard realization to face. Harder still to think about how her actions and feelings about men might have affected Cassie and her chance at a solid relationship with a man someday.

She'd spent years sheltering and protecting her daughter, because she never wanted Cassie to experience what she'd gone through. Yet, if her daughter judged Sydney by her actions and how she treated men and relationships, her less-than-exemplary behavior contradicted everything Sydney wanted to teach Cassie about relationships, and intimacy with the right person.

But in order to do that, Sydney needed to show her daughter that a monogamous relationship could work, that stability with one person was important. That a healthy, mature, and caring relationship could exist, if she made the right choices in her life. And it was time that Sydney changed her own ways and led by example.

With that decision made, she reached for a Kleenex, dabbed at her still-moist eyes, and blew her nose. She needed to go and talk to Daniel, and she prayed that she hadn't ruined any chance of a future together by shutting him out so completely.

"Mom? Are you okay?"

At the sound of Cassie's soft, worried voice, Sydney turned around and found her daughter standing just beyond her bathroom door. Quickly she summoned a smile, but there was nothing she could do for her puffy eyes and red nose from her crying jag. "I'm fine, honey."

"No, you're not," Cassie insisted with a concerned frown. "What's wrong, Mom?"

"Nothing, really." Sydney tossed the tissue into the trash and headed into her bedroom, with Cassie trailing behind. "Just a little PMS. You know how that is." She wasn't ready to talk about her relationship with Daniel with Cassie, not until she talked to Daniel himself to see where things stood between them.

Her daughter didn't look convinced, but she didn't push the issue, either. Instead, when Sydney started making her mussed-up bed, Cassie went the other side of the mattress to help smooth out the covers and pull up the comforter.

It was almost noon on Saturday, and as she glanced at Cassie, this time she noticed that her daughter had straightened her hair and had put on a light application of makeup, including lip gloss. She was wearing a pair of brown cords and a long-sleeved V-neck sweater, and while the outfit itself was casual, Sydney was used to seeing her daughter in jeans or sweats on the weekend. And more disturbing was the scent of the Love's Baby Soft perfume her daughter had put on.

"What's up with you?" Sydney asked lightly as she fluffed her pillow before folding the comforter over it. "You going somewhere today that I don't know about?"

Cassie shifted on her feet as Sydney rounded the bed to where her daughter was standing. She looked a little anxious, and the way she chewed on her bottom lip was a dead giveaway that something was going on with Cassie. It was one of those mannerisms that a mother picked up on early in her child's life that gave her the edge of being able to read her kid before they even spoke. In this case, that lip chewing thing was enough to tell Sydney that Cassie was feeling uncertain and nervous about something.

Finally, Cassie said, "I wanted to know if I could go to the mall today with Becky, and maybe catch a movie, too."

Normally, a fun day out with her girlfriend wouldn't be a cause for concern. However, coming only days after Sydney's meeting with Daniel about her why her daughter had been deliberately sabotaging her math grade, Sydney couldn't help but wonder if an outing to the local mall was a ploy to meet a boy.

Sydney inhaled a deep breath and forced herself to remain calm. Since she'd been so upset and emotional after her conversation with Daniel, she hadn't talked to Cassie about her deception, but she knew it was time. Time to let her daughter know that she was aware of what was going on, and time to let her little Tinker Bell be the fifteen-year-old teenager she'd become—no matter how difficult that would be.

But first, she needed to know what she was dealing with, and what, exactly, her daughter was up to. "Is Ryan going to be there?" she asked.

Cassie's eyes widened into huge pools of panic at the unexpected question. "I… uh… how did you know about Ryan?"

It wasn't a yes or no answer, but overall Sydney was grateful that her daughter hadn't denied knowing Ryan, or worse, lied and said she had no idea what Sydney was talking about. And if she wanted to keep that trust and line of communication open with her daughter, then she knew it had to start here and now.

Sydney sat down on the bed, and patted the space beside her. "Come here and sit down, honey," she said gently, knowing that anger wouldn't resolve this situation. If anything, it would push her daughter away, and that was the last thing she wanted. "We need to talk."

Reluctantly, and with a worried look on her face, Cassie did as she asked.

"A few days ago, Daniel called me and said he needed to talk to me about your inconsistent homework and math tests," Sydney told her. "After watching you in class and at after school tutoring and seeing how Ryan was flirting with you, he realized that you might be deliberately dropping your test scores and grades for the sole purpose of getting into after school tutoring so you could be with Ryan. Is that true?"

Tears filled Cassie's eyes, along with a healthy dose of dread. "Yes," she said, her voice cracking.

Sydney closed her eyes, trying to process the truth, and trying, as well, to deal with this revelation on a rational level. When she looked at Cassie again, it was clear that her daughter expected her to come unglued over the situation. And oh, Sydney wanted to, in the worst way, but managed to tamp down the urge to yell at Cassie for doing something so stupid. She'd learned a lot from Lora over the years, and even more from Daniel.

So instead, she gently thumbed away a tear making its way down her soft cheek. "Cass, why would you do something like that?" Sydney wanted, needed, to understand, even though she suspected she already knew the reason—that Cassie's overbearing, way-too-protective mother had pushed her daughter to sneak around to be with a boy.

"Because I really like him, Mom, and I knew you'd never let me go out with him or see him after school," she said, confirming Sydney's greatest fears. "I'm so sorry."

There was a wealth of regret glimmering in Cassie's gaze, which reassured Sydney. Cassie wasn't a defiant child—never had been—and Sydney didn't want to give her any reason to start now. But there were a few more questions she needed to ask her daughter.

"Was he at the Halloween party you went to?" she asked.

Cassie nodded. "Yes, but we didn't do anything. We just talked and danced. I swear!"

Sydney chose to believe her, and as long as Cassie told her the truth, they could work through any situation together. "And were you going to meet him at the mall today?"

Cassie swallowed hard. "Yes. But I was going to be with Becky, too." Then, she buried her face in her hands. "Oh, God, you're going to ground me for life, aren't you?"

Holding back a smile at her daughter's dramatic display, Sydney pulled Cassie's hands away so she could look into her eyes. "Truly, if I had my way, I'd keep you my little girl forever, but that's just not going to happen, now is it?"

Cassie shook her head. "No. I'm fifteen years old, and you need to let me grow up."

"I know," Sydney admitted. "It's just hard for me to accept sometimes, but I promise to work on being better about it."

Cassie stared at Sydney, a humorous look changing her expression. "Who are you and what have you done with my real mother?"

Sydney laughed, knowing that this sudden change of hers must be a shock to her daughter. "I'm still your same old mom. I'm just trying to handle things differently, in a way that will hopefully strengthen our relationship."

Reaching out, she smoothed Cassie's auburn hair away from her beautiful face. A face that had matured over the years and would no doubt turn male heads one day—if it wasn't already. Cassie was a good kid, and Sydney's goal was to keep her that way as much as possible. "It's important that you talk to me and tell me the truth, always, and I promise to listen and give you the best advice that I can. But this doesn't mean you have free rein to run wild and do whatever you want. I still have final say, okay?"

Cassie rolled her eyes. "I'm not going to run wild, Mom. I just want to have fun, like the rest of my friends."

And Sydney had to trust that her daughter would make the right decisions and not be swayed by peer pressure when it came to all those issues that every teenager came up against at some point in their lives.

"Mom… what's going on with you and Mr. Barnett?"

Just as she'd thrown her daughter off kilter with her unexpected question about Ryan, Cassie had just done the same to her. "Why?" Sydney asked curiously, unsure what her daughter knew. "Did he say something to you?"

"No," she said, shaking her head. "But you've been crying the past few days, which you never do, and he wasn't in a great mood yesterday at school, so I thought that maybe the two of you had a fight or something."

If she expected Cassie to be truthful at all times, her daughter deserved the same respect. "Yeah, we had a fight."

A frown creased Cassie's brows. "Are you not dating any longer?"

"No, but I'm hoping to change that." Then a thought dawned on Sydney. "Does my seeing Daniel bother you?"

Cassie shrugged. "At first, I wasn't thrilled about it, but I really like Mr. Barnett and he seemed to make you happy. So even though it's not the coolest thing for my mom to be dating my math teacher, I guess I can live with it."

Sydney grinned. "Thanks." She'd always kept the men she'd dated in the past out of Cassie's life because it made no sense to bring a man into her daughter's life who was only going to be around for a few days or weeks at the most. But Daniel was Sydney's first real, serious relationship, and her daughter's acceptance and approval mattered to her.

Cassie bit her bottom lip again. "Ummm, you never did say if I could go to the mall today."

Sydney thought a moment before answering, letting her daughter sweat it out just a bit. "I'll tell you what. I'll make a deal with you. How about I drive you and Beck to the mall so I can meet Ryan for myself, and then the three of you can hang out for a few hours, and go to a movie."