You Mean I'm Not Lazy, Stupid or Crazy?!: The Classic Self-Help Book for Adults With Attention Deficit Disorder (36 page)

Jumping Your Partner’s Bones:
Have you ever had the experience of having your bones jumped? This is a sexual advance that seems to come out of left field. We are not talking
about sexual assault in this instance, because the person coming at you is someone with whom you already have a sexual connection. There is also no intent to force or overpower or otherwise impose unwelcome maneuvers. Have you ever considered that the person who comes at you in a seemingly insensitive fashion might be under the influence of an “ADD oops”? Have you been the one who did the jumping,
but you didn’t realize that’s what you were doing? Were you mystified at your partner’s reaction?

Here is how something like this can happen in ADD-land. Actually, it can happen to anyone, but it is more likely when the mental connections are a bit fuzzy. Let’s assume that the person making the advances is ADD. Let’s make it a “he” and call him Jack. Jack has been living in his head all day,
and his mind is populated with the usual junkyard assortment of thought-bites, images and so forth. One of the ways Jack has learned to jumpstart his wandering brain is through sexual fantasy. We know from the previous lesson on the neurology of sex that this is a very effective strategy. So Jack goes there (at least in his mind) quite a lot. He spends a good part of the day generating steamy mental
film clips.

When Jack gets home he is raring to go. He has had more than enough mental foreplay and is panting to get on with the main event. We know that the folks out there without ADD may have a hard time wrapping their minds around this, but Jack has a fuzzy sense of time and doesn’t always completely grasp that the other people in his world have not lived the events that unfolded in the
privacy of his mind. His wife, Susan, did not have a great day. She is lusting for a sympathetic ear or, barring that, a bit of peace and quiet. Jack is hurt and disappointed when his insistent ardor is met with stone cold disbelief. He is baffled: “How could she have forgotten the hot time we had in the old town last night? Where did that wonderful, wanton woman go?”

The Untouchable Syndrome:
By the time we get to adulthood, our sense of self-worth is at least a little raggedy, having taken a beating as we grew up with a hidden difference. Most of us learn to paste on a mask of competence, and at least the outward appearance of confidence. However, that scared little kid who was tormented on the playground is still there, lurking just behind the mask. If you weren’t exactly singled out
for schoolyard torture, you may have done the deed yourself, in the privacy of your own mind, when you failed to measure up to your own expectations.

Our sexuality, of course, is at the core of our being and thus a part of us that is most vulnerable to assault. Anyone who has ever had the experience of a sexual betrayal knows that this is a huge and painful “hit” to the psyche. Feeling defective—lazy,
stupid or crazy—is a state of mind that colors all aspects of our lives. When we are having a bad day, in terms of self-concept, we often don’t want others to come too close to us. We feel infested with virtual “cooties” and are convinced, at some level, that anyone who gets too close will end up recoiling in horror. On those days, we don’t want anyone within three feet of us, let alone
the intense intimacy of sex. The untouchable syndrome is not the same as touchy touchability—that experience is neurologically based and one of feeling annoyed or irritated
by touch, while this one is about feeling unworthy. If you have an intimate partner, it is a good idea to fess up when you are feeling like this rather than leaving the erroneous impression that there is something wrong with
them.

What He’s Not Telling You: He’s Also a Sex Addict

Sexual ADDiction:
When we wrote the first edition of this book, we made an educated guess that ADDults might make up a large percentage of people in the “anonymous” groups. In the years since then, research has indicated that ADDults do have a greater tendency to struggle with addictions in many forms. Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous, as the name
implies, is a twelve-step group that offers help to those who have an addictive relationship with sex.

At its core, addiction to anything is about feeling not good enough and trying desperately to grasp at something outside yourself for a “feel good” fix. Of course, from that initial impulse arises a cascade that eventually takes the individual’s actions out of the realm of their personal control.
Biology, for example, is a major player. Those “feel good” neurotransmitters are in short supply in people vulnerable to addictions.

As we discussed in the lesson on the neurology of sex, sexual activity is very effective at creating a feeling of well-being, in the brain as well as on a physical level. The big problem with using sex in this way is that when an addictive pattern is set up, the
other person involved becomes an object, a means of satisfying desire, rather than a whole living, breathing soul with thoughts, feelings and desires of their own. The relatively short-lived “highs” experienced by a sexual addict are outweighed by the fallout from intense shame and guilt. As ADDers, we already have an unwelcome overabundance of those emotions. If you suspect that your relationship
to sex has slid over the line into addiction, do yourself a big favor and check out the fellowship of those who have been there, Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous.

Speed Demons in the Bedroom:
Hyperactivity, of course, is not simply a matter of squirming in your seat in the classroom or the boardroom (feels like bored-room to us). It can happen in any situation. It is also not a matter of absolute
speed. If, for example, both you and your partner are satisfied with the tempo of your lovemaking, there is no problem, even if someone else might judge the pace to be too wildly frantic, or unbearably slow.

We are not talking about the pace of intercourse, in this case, but the progression from wooing to foreplay to the main event. Whoops! Did we really slip up and use the words “main event”?
That kind of thinking helps to create the problem in the first place. If we are hyperfocused on going for the big “O,” the connective steps leading up to it are given short shrift. Our partners are not happy when they end up feeling more like a target than a person, and that kind of approach doesn’t serve us either. A frantic gotta-get-there energy is our enemy in all situations, and it is often
most apparent in the bedroom.

What happens to sexual functioning when we are tense or anxious? Make no mistake about it, hyperfocus comes with a high level of tension. Now, we know that some of you are saying, “Huh? They don’t know what they are talking about, hyperfocus
is my friend.” Well, being totally focused on the present moment is a good thing, as long as you are relaxed. That way of being
would more accurately be called the flow state. Hyperfocus is when you glue yourself to an object of attention with great effort. The excess tension generated has its consequences.

Both men and women shut down sexually when there is too much gotta-get-there energy. At the extremes, men may have symptoms such as premature ejaculation and impotence. Women can lose the ability to become aroused
and/or reach orgasm. Both men and women may experience a decrease in sensation as well. These less than positive alterations in sexual functioning are the result of tension and speed. A certain level of relaxation is required to experience sensual pleasure. If you are hurrying too much you don’t even allow yourself the time to feel the pleasure—it has come and gone before you know it. Even if you
are functioning okay (able to become aroused and have an orgasm), you shortchange yourself when the focus is entirely on that orgasm. A much more satisfying full-body orgasm can be ours if we learn to slow down and feel the sensations in our entire bodies.

This is not new information. The ancient practice of tantric yoga teaches practitioners to slow down their sexual practices in order to reach
higher states of consciousness. Students of tantra have spiritual goals, but the side benefit of having a great sex life certainly helps with the motivation to keep practicing! Actually, tantra doesn’t separate sex from spirituality, which makes it a “terrific religion” in our estimation. In the secular realm, Masters and Johnson were pioneers in the field of human sexual response. Their program
has helped countless people recover from sexual dysfunctions. In a nutshell, their methods are designed to help people slow down and take their focus away from achieving orgasm. Couples are prohibited from having intercourse for a time, and they are given homework involving a series of sensual exercises. Without the pressure to perform, the resulting relaxation response allows normal sexual functioning
to surface. You can try this with your partner. Make
an agreement that you will refrain from intercourse for a period of time. Set regular (say, every other night) appointments to get together for couples massage and sensual touching. Start with nonsexual touching and progress slowly to stimulating breasts and genitalia. We know how hard it is for ADDers to wait for anything, but isn’t a wonderful
sex life worth waiting for?

If There Seems to Be a Lot of Sex Going On, Do You Feel Like You’re Missing Out?
If we take our cues from popular culture, it is easy to come to the conclusion that everybody is f—ing like rabbits all the time. Like the kid who was alone on the playground, we feel that we are the only ones who can’t get any action. This is simply not true. Remember, the images you
see in movies and on TV are the product of someone’s imagination. As coaches we have been privy to the intimate lives of many people, and our experience is that an awful lot of people have a pretty scanty sex life. Our busy, stressful lives are certainly part of the problem, and when you have ADD the life stress factor can get very intense. There are other issues to consider, however.

Are you hyperfocused on “getting some”? (this kind of energy is a big turnoff to potential partners)

Do you need to work on personal worthiness issues?

Are you afraid to get close to someone else?

Do you fear that, if they get close, they would find you wanting?

Does sex seem like a great idea (I think we could all agree that a great sexual experience is high on the list of peak experiences), but
you really don’t have the time or the energy for it?

Do you have some issues to work on with your partner before you can connect in an intimate way?

We promise that you will not have to wait forever. If you settle down and put your focus on healing, your energy will change. You don’t have to be perfect or even close. Give it a try. When you are more accepting of yourself you will naturally attract
others to you.

We’ve spent several chapters discussing the dynamics of ADD and relating in a variety of settings. We could probably continue adding things as they pop into our brains but it’s time to move on to some other issues.

Throughout the book we’ve made references to organization, memory and learning. Many adults with ADD manifest
unique differences in these areas—differences that can compromise the quality of overall functioning. In the next two chapters we’ll examine the interplay of attention, organization, memory and learning. Our goal will be to help you identify the strengths you can use to compensate for any weaknesses in these areas.

Chapter 11
Dynamics of ADD in Organizing: Mechanics and Methods

I
n this last section of the book, we’ll talk about everything we haven’t had a chance to say yet! We’ll look at many “
how-tos
” for an ADDer—how to work around specific skill deficits, how to make medication decisions and take care of yourself and how to move forward. Now that we’ve properly prepared you for your reading, let’s get
busy talking about the bane of many an ADDer’s life: disorganization.

Life Is Difficult for the
Organizationally Impaired

We saw this on a greeting card and wondered if an ADDer had designed it! Disorganization seems a way of life for many of us. It makes us wonder if perhaps researchers have been missing an important diagnostic tool—a questionnaire that might go something like this: