You Mean I'm Not Lazy, Stupid or Crazy?!: The Classic Self-Help Book for Adults With Attention Deficit Disorder (31 page)

Before we close this chapter, we want to at least mention the wider family circle—the extended family. Grandparents, in-laws, aunts, uncles, etcetera, will all have an impact on the dynamics of your family. Their support or lack of support can be a powerful influence on your efforts to be a successful
ADD family. We can’t examine this issue in depth because the subject is too complicated to address in a few sentences. These chapters just scratch the surface. We’d like to write another book that focuses exclusively on ADD family relationships.

But there are some other important family issues we’re going to address in the next chapter. With family relationships as the backdrop, we’ll revisit
the Baker family to examine some management issues unique to the functioning of the family.

Chapter 9
From Mealtime Mania to Outing Ordeals: How-To’s of Decreasing Discord

T
he family is a microcosm of society. It includes individual and group rights, responsibilities and rules. It’s a system of multiple interpersonal relationships that need to be carefully managed.

Hundreds of sociological studies have explored the entity of the family and how it functions. Since we are neither sociologists
nor family therapists, we don’t presume to be experts in these fields. We do, however, consider ourselves experts in two specific areas: the ADD families of Kelly/Pentz and Ramundo. Our experiences could fill volumes, as we’re sure yours could too.

When we use the word “expert,” we use it humbly as a reflection of our lifetime experiences, not as a measure of our expertise. We can’t give you
all the answers about ADD families because we don’t have them! We can share some of our observations and the collective experiences of other ADDers and their families. We’ll rejoin the Baker family to help us do this.

Our previous visit with them provided a glimpse of a family living in the sitcom
Chaos on the Cul-de-Sac
. If you recognize your family in the description of the Bakers, do you have
to resign yourself to being part of the neighborhood? Is there anything
you can realistically do to make your family life more manageable? We’re going to take on the role of the Baker family’s therapist to find some answers.

To begin unraveling the family’s complex problems, we’ll encourage each family member to communicate her own version of the Baker family story. This sharing will happen over
time and within an atmosphere of mutual support.

Tom:
“I feel helpless, angry and worthless most of the time. I know I lose my temper too much and it hurts people, but I just can’t seem to help it. The angry words are out of my mouth before I know it. I feel lonely too. Jan doesn’t seem to know I exist unless she’s cringing because I got mad. She’s always busy with something. She doesn’t look
me in the eye and never pays attention to me when I try to talk to her. I’m scared all the time. I worry that I can’t keep pretending I’m in control. Work just takes it out of me. When I get home, I don’t have any energy left for my family. I’m supposed to be strong—the man of the family—but sometimes I feel as though I’m just barely hanging on.”

Jan:
“I feel as if I’m underwater all the time,
fighting to swim to the surface but never getting there. No matter what I do, I never seem to get anything accomplished. I work hard to take care of the house and family but I never have anything to show for it. The place is always a mess and we never seem to have a moment of peace. Everyone is always fighting. I’m a failure. Tom and Amy are always yelling and putting me down. I probably deserve
it. I’m pretty useless.”

Amy:
“Everybody thinks I’m just a rotten kid but they have no idea how I really feel. I’m scared that I’ll never be able to make it as a grown-up. I know I’m a ‘smart-ass’ but that’s just a cover-up. I’m mean, have terrible moods and can’t seem to get it together to do anything worthwhile. What am I going to do when I finish high school? With my grades, I probably won’t
make it to college and I’m not fast enough to do something like waitressing. Sometimes I wish I were more like Zachary. I make fun
of him for being a wimp but he’s a nicer person than I am. Sometimes I wish I were dead.”

Zachary:
“I hate the fighting at my house. Even when my family is laughing or joking, I’m always waiting for something terrible to happen—for Dad or Amy to start a big screaming
match. I can’t stand it when people yell because the noise hurts me. I don’t know how to protect myself. I get so mad sometimes I just want to yell at them to shut up but I can’t get the words out. It’s hard enough to talk when I’m feeling calm. When I get upset, I get so confused I can’t think straight. I feel like a dope. I work harder in school than anybody I know but I still get mostly Cs.
My dad gets impatient with me because I’m not good at sports and I won’t stick up for myself. Mom seems to like me better but never has enough time to help me with schoolwork. I hate to even ask her because she seems so busy and tired most of the time. I know I cause a lot of trouble because I hear Mom and Dad fighting all the time about my doctor bills. I wish it was more peaceful at my house.”

Jennifer:
“It’s crazy at my house! I especially hate dinnertime because it takes too long. Everybody’s always telling me, Sit down, Jennifer … Be quiet, Jennifer … Stop falling off your chair, Jennifer. I can’t stand to sit there all that time. I’d rather be outside playing. I like it when my family tells jokes but a lot of times people yell and get in fights. I hate the yelling. Most of the time
I don’t think my family even notices I’m there. My mom and dad don’t even seem to care when I bring home Ds on my papers. They do say that it’s too bad I don’t get grades for my talking because I sound so smart. I wish they would watch me dance and do gymnastics but they’re too busy talking, doing other stuff or fighting. I don’t like going to school either. My teachers make me be quiet and sit
in my seat until I want to jump right out of my skin!”

It’s obvious that nobody in this family is happy with the way things are going! There’s one common thread that weaves through everyone’s story in the Baker family: the noise and emotional
levels are too intense. Tom and Amy don’t directly complain about the noise, but we can observe their sensitivities to it. Their hot tempers escalate in
direct response to sensory intrusions. They also have some awareness of the impact of their yelling on other family members and don’t feel very good about it.

Families who deal with the dynamics of ADD face numerous challenges every day. We can’t discuss them all but we can examine two that are illustrative of several fairly common problems in an ADD family—Mealtime Mania and Outing Ordeals.

Mealtime Mania

It’s Mealtime Mania at the Baker house. There are several poorly trained dogs who bark, jump up and beg for food throughout the meal. Amy and Tom, who are both sensitive to noise and touch, constantly yell at the dogs and push them away but do little else to train them. Jennifer adds to the general discord and busyness of the family meal by jumping up and down to dance or turn cartwheels.

Three separate, one-way conversations go on as Amy, Tom and Jennifer talk nonstop to no one in particular. Zachary and Jan try to follow the conversation but quickly tune out as they become overwhelmed by the chaos.

Jan rarely sits down at the table. She spends dinnertime wandering absentmindedly. She fetches the forgotten items of silverware, napkins or food that took longer to cook than the
rest of the meal. Zachary quietly fades into the woodwork, trying to eat his dinner without getting a stomachache and hoping that a big fight doesn’t break out. He knows that his mother won’t be much help in averting the battle that will inevitably ensue between his father and sister Amy.

The anticipated knock-down, drag-out fight between Tom and Amy is a common occurrence at some point in the
meal. Both have hair-trigger tempers coupled with foot-in-mouth disease.

This lethal combination means that each of them frequently makes careless remarks that touch off an explosion in the other. Both Tom and Amy tend to hear only half of what is said and to misinterpret the other half.

Sometimes the chaos is fun with lots of joking and fooling around. When Tom’s in a good mood, he likes to
become a kid again, telling silly jokes and instigating animal noise contests and food fights. Jan and Zachary don’t participate very much but they laugh and enjoy the antics of the others during these happy times. They’re always a little nervous though, knowing that when things get out of hand, the party atmosphere will rapidly and disastrously change. They know that Tom and Amy, the instigators
of much of the rowdiness, are unpredictable and irritable. The mood of the gathering can change abruptly if either of them becomes annoyed with the noisiness or by someone stepping on their toes.

Easily enraged, they quickly generalize their anger to everyone else in the family. They frequently yell at Jan for burning part of the dinner, at Jennifer for leaping around like a frog and at Zachary
for sitting like a bump on a log. Invariably, Amy stomps off before the meal is over since she has been grounded to her room “for the rest of her life.” Zachary feels sick to his stomach and can’t eat, and Jennifer dances around at a manic pace. Sometimes the atmosphere at dinner isn’t so much chaotic as it is deadly silent and chilling, with everyone brooding and poisoning the environment with
silent misery.

Notes: Mealtime Mania

With their difficult temperaments, Amy and Tom seem to dominate the picture in the Baker family. But they’re not solely responsible for the impaired family interactions. Each of the family members has shaky communication skills and a limited capacity for stress and stimulation. Individually and collectively, these behaviors contribute to the family chaos and
stress level.

If you plug the individual behaviors into a chart of family interactions, you can understand how things get so out of hand for the Bakers. As family tension escalates, Jan becomes increasingly more disorganized and disengages herself from the family. Tom gets more stressed out as the burden of discipline falls on him. With his short-fused temper, he’s ill-equipped to handle it.
He feels increasingly angry at Jan’s failure to take charge of the house and children. Tom is not a sexist pig—he and Jan had agreed on the division of labor when she quit her job to stay home.

Tom gets burned out easily. After a day at work, he can do little but collapse. Amy desperately needs firm, calm, structured discipline but doesn’t get it. Zachary doesn’t actively bother anybody but,
through no fault of his own, puts great demands on family financial and emotional resources. Jennifer contributes to the noise and chaos level with her clowning and hyperactivity.

The Baker family is a group of related individuals who have compelling needs for structure, support and understanding, but there doesn’t seem to be enough to go around. Having fewer children probably would have helped,
but it’s too late for that option. It isn’t too late, however, for the family to make some important changes to reduce the chaos and turn the volume down. If Mealtime Mania seems to be a way of life for your family, think about these ideas and consider trying them.

Survival Tips for Decreasing Discord

Reduce or Eliminate Unnecessary Distractions:
Take the phone off the hook during meals. Turn
the TV and radio off and put the newspaper in another room. The family dogs can be trained to stay away from the dinner table or kept in another room until the meal is over. To further minimize the extra distractions, the family might consider finding a new home for one of its dogs.

Establish a Family Signal:
The signal cues everyone that the noise level is getting too high. Make a family rule
that a moment
of silence will be observed if anyone, including the youngest child, signals for less noise.

Make a “No Arguments at the Dinner Table” Rule:
Conflict isn’t all bad, but mealtime battles aren’t very good for the digestive system! Arguments can be shelved and resumed at a designated time and place for discussion.

Plan a Weekly “Work Detail” Ahead of Time:
This should include a list
of individual responsibilities for meal preparation and setting and clearing the table. Family members can rotate these jobs from week to week. Preplanning eliminates much last-minute confusion. There is nothing more chaotic than an ADD family trying to work together without the direction of a plan! When other family members pitch in to help, the cook is free to join the family instead of aimlessly
wandering around fetching things. The family can follow a rule that no one sits down to eat until the meal is on the table.

Maintain Order by Establishing Structure:
Structure, order—what is this, boot camp? What happened to the idea of home as the place you can let your hair down and be yourself?
Letting your hair down is fine as long as you don’t drop it in someone else’s food!
In families with ADDers, there is a good possibility that letting one’s hair down will disintegrate into a family free-for-all.