You Mean I'm Not Lazy, Stupid or Crazy?!: The Classic Self-Help Book for Adults With Attention Deficit Disorder (21 page)

Can You Lower Your Standards?

Is a super-clean house really necessary or can you subscribe to the Dim Lightbulb Theory of Housekeeping? You may not be crazy about your spouse’s
ironing capabilities, but if he’s willing to assume the chore, can you learn to live with the wrinkles in your blouses?

Are You Keeping the Sabbath?

You may be a Catholic, a druid or a dyed-in-the-wool atheist. Whatever your spiritual beliefs or practices are, there is wisdom in having a sanctioned day of rest. Your day of rest might include a trip to church, temple or mosque, or it might
not.
Having some kind of spiritual renewal is important, while the form is irrelevant. Pick one day a week and put your “to do” list out of sight. Make a pact with yourself to run on inspiration that day. You can do an activity that may fall into the “work” category only if you really really
want
to do it. This day is yours, for rest and play. Many of our clients are pleased to find that the Sabbath
attitude often begins to spill over into the rest of the week. They still manage to cross off many of those to-do’s, but with a lighter heart.

Balance Maintenance

As time goes by, you’ll become more skilled at achieving balance in your life. You’ll need to continually update your plan to reflect new challenges and life changes. Each time you add a new responsibility or make changes in your life
plan, reevaluate the equation and check the balance. Is your capacity for work and stress still roughly equal to the demands placed on it? If your life is out of kilter, you need to return to your drawing board for further adjustments. If you neglect to do this, your life can start to unravel.

Finding the right balance is a complicated process. If you decide to fulfill a lifelong dream to learn
Chinese, keep in mind that it will be a slow process! It takes a good supply of mental energy to learn something new. After you’ve mastered the new skill, you can think about using your energy to take on a new challenge. The trick is to continue cautiously and not pile on too many changes at the same time. If you up the ante in measured steps, you can maintain your optimal level of stimulation,
accumulate an impressive number of new skills and still keep your life in balance. You may also discover opportunities and choices that were previously unattainable.

As ADD adults, we need to apply the metaphor of the high-wire performer to our lives. Every day we face extraordinary risks and challenges as we attempt to balance ourselves
above
the crowd. One slip and we fear we’ll find ourselves plunging to the ground. We can’t eliminate our missteps, but we can build safety nets to catch us when we fall.

This book is about building personalized safety nets. We’ve already examined several steps in the construction process: educating yourself, dismantling unhealthy defenses, grieving and balancing your life. Education is probably
the easiest step. We hope that you’re using your new knowledge to erase faulty assumptions and to make some decisions about your life. The other steps require greater effort.

If you’re still struggling with excessive sadness or anger about your ADD, you might need to reread this book later, when you’re emotionally ready to begin making some changes. Until you can work through the grief process
and achieve a degree of self-acceptance, it will be difficult to make a realistic assessment of your capabilities. Grieving is important work that takes a lot of energy. Don’t add impossible burdens by making too many major life changes at the same time.

If you’re feeling a bit overwhelmed, slow down, take a deep breath and remember that recovery is a slow, ongoing process. If you’re squarely
facing your ADD and your coping mechanisms and are taking a studied look at the balance issues in your life, you’re ready to move on to some other steps in your recovery. So let’s turn to Chapter 6 to begin exploring the dynamics of ADD in interpersonal relationships.

Chapter 6
The Art of Relating: In Groups and Friendships

T
his chapter marks a change in direction from the first part of this book. In educational jargon, the information in the first five chapters was
Readiness
. We were providing information that will be the basis for everything that follows. Since we want to be effective teachers, we need to remind you to periodically review some of the old
material as you continue your reading. We will use the balance inventory again, so if you haven’t completed it, we hope that you have at least been thinking about it. We hope that at a minimum, you’ve added it to your “to do” list!

In preceding chapters we talked about the impact of ADD on other people within the context of specific symptoms, differences and defense mechanisms. Now we’re going
to examine the impact of ADD specifically within the context of relationships.

Although much of the focus of the next three chapters is communication, we’ll also consider other issues. In Chapter 7, for instance, we’ll examine various factors that have an impact on an ADDer’s ability to “relate” to his job responsibilities. Now that you know where you’re heading in your reading, let’s get busy
examining the art of relating.

We all interact daily with other people. When we talk on the phone, participate in a meeting or share dinner with a friend,
we’re relating with other people. The success of these interactions, whether brief, onetime encounters or long-lasting relationships, depends largely on adequate communication skills.

Virtually everything we do as members of the human race
is a form of communication. Volumes have been written about the art of
effective communication
. Family and marriage therapists focus on its importance and attempt to help people keep the
lines of communication open
. College courses teach
positive communication
skills. Based on all the attention given to issues of communication, one can assume that it must be considerably more complex and difficult
than simply talking!

Of course, you already knew that. Relationships would be a breeze if this were the case. In reality, even the briefest of interactions can fall apart through a misunderstanding. So let’s take a brief look at the dynamics of communication as a starting place for our discussion of interactions and relationships.

We interact with each other by transmitting our thoughts, feelings
and desires through the medium of language. In its simplest form, language involves speaking and listening: I talk and you listen, and you talk and I listen. Sounds simple, doesn’t it? Read on.

The Art and Science of Communication

Although Mom and Dad often frantically try to figure out exactly what the crying signifies, their one-second-old infant is already communicating. Long before the growing
baby acquires real language, he uses squeals, gestures and facial expressions to “talk.”

Unless we have a speech problem or a specific language disability, most of us learn to talk fairly early in our lives. We learn the
science of communication
rather effortlessly. We learn to pronounce words correctly and to use them to communicate our needs.

The
art of communication
is often considerably
more difficult to learn. Successful interactions with the taxi driver or a spouse rely on a mastery of this art form. Similar to a painting, communication can be designed and interpreted in a variety of ways. It sends a message that includes multiple elements of form, color intensity and shading, subtlety and detail. Unless you are an art aficionado, you may walk away from an abstract painting as
confused as you are after some conversations.

An adult with ADD can have real problems with communication and relationships because the rules of the art form continually change. As he tunes in and out, his deficits interfere with his ability to truly understand the meaning of conversations. He may communicate messages he never intended and misinterpret the messages he receives.

The Rhythm of Language

Unlike a painting, communication isn’t a static art form. It has rhythm and movement. We have to synchronize ourselves to its flow and to know where, when and how much to contribute to a conversation. Similar to a ballet, a conversation has many elements. It includes a proper time to make an entrance, an awareness of what others are doing, allocation of time for a solo and rules for
executing a graceful finale and exit. Many of us could really use some dancing lessons!

Verbal and Nonverbal Communication

Communication is an interplay of words and body language. In general, people from one country use words incomprehensible to foreigners. People in the same country may speak different dialects depending on the ethnic group or area they come from. It has also been suggested
that men and women speak different languages.

ADDers and non-ADDers alike differ in their ability to read the interplay of verbal and body language. For some of us, the additional clues of body language help rather than hinder our communication skills. We can use observable gestures and facial
expressions to fill in the gaps of words we would otherwise misunderstand.

Others may grasp the precise
meaning of spoken words but misunderstand the message of nonverbal language. Years ago, during a visit to Australia, President George Bush (the daddy) held up his fingers in a “V,” recognized by Americans as the classic symbol of victory. Much to his chagrin, he learned that an Australian uses the “V” to communicate the same thing as an American holding up his middle finger! President Bush really
should have taken a crash course in the Art of Nonverbal Communication before he made his historic blooper!

Communication is fraught with the potential for misunderstanding. You may know the meaning of the words “You should leave,” but your response will vary according to your fluency in the art of communication. If you rely only on the words themselves,
you might respond, “Yes, I probably should get going.” But what about the accompanying body language?

We think you get the message. Words, voice inflections, facial expressions, gestures, body posture and positioning all communicate subtle (or not so subtle!) messages. An ADDer can repeatedly face social slippery spots as he attempts to negotiate around the obstacles to successful communication. Let’s examine just two particularly dangerous hazards before we move
on to issues of various relationships in our lives.

Hazard—Social Slippery Spots!

Social Slippery Spot #1—Basic Manners:
We would venture to say that most of us with ADD need to proceed very cautiously
in this area. We’re not saying that ADDers have cornered the market on bad manners. But societal conventions of politeness can be hazards because of our particular differences.

When people talk
about good manners, they’re usually talking about rule-governed speech and behavior. Grandparents brag about their well-mannered grandchild, and teachers admonish their students to show better manners. Good manners require adequate communication skills that include an ability to monitor behavior and pay close attention to detail. Since these skills can be shaky in an ADDer, he may behave in an unmannerly
fashion, making errors of both omission and commission: