You Mean I'm Not Lazy, Stupid or Crazy?!: The Classic Self-Help Book for Adults With Attention Deficit Disorder (20 page)

These activities should be added to your Can’t/Shouldn’t Do list. As you examine your assets and liabilities, be honest about your weaknesses. We certainly don’t encourage you to focus exclusively on your deficits. But through
the process of examining and identifying them, you can move on to the abilities they mask.

Balancing Acts Aren’t Just for Circus
Performers: Climb on the High Wire but Make
Sure There’s a Safety Net Underneath!

Not all high-wire circus performers use safety nets, but many do. We think they are an absolute necessity for most of us with ADD. Each of us needs a custom-designed net to break the fall
from a life that is out of balance.

You’ll use your inventory as a blueprint for organizing and simplifying your life and building your safety net. The wise folk who brought us the Twelve Steps were acutely aware that balance is a critical component of recovery. In AA, a repeated phrase is “Keep it simple.” Balance can be achieved only by uncluttering your life.

“An ADDer’s High-Wire Act with a Safety Net Underneath”

If you support your rather unbalanced nervous system with a carefully planned lifestyle, the external structure will provide some degree of internal order. You need to figure out how you can do more of the things you do well and less of those that cause repeated failure. Be ruthless about eliminating the unnecessary from your life to
avoid the overload that causes stress.

We bet you’re thinking, “Come on, be realistic. I can’t do what I want and get away with it.” Of course you can’t do exactly what you want all the time. But there are many things you can control and alter to suit your individuality. Let’s look at a framework you can use for cleaning house.

Evaluating the “Should-Do’s”
and “Must-Do’s” in Your Life

Refer
back to the questions we posed about the balance issues in your life. Reconsider them as they fit with your assets/liabilities list and take another look at your schedule. Are the numbers of things you’re trying to accomplish exceeding your capacity? To get them all finished, are you using the time you should be sleeping? Too little sleep can impair the quality of your concentration and performance.
Is there little time left for doing things you enjoy, either by yourself or with your family?

Can you make some realistic adjustments to your list of activities and responsibilities? Consider the things you’ve listed as obligations. How obligatory are they? Can you work on being more assertive when other people make demands or requests? There are unlimited numbers of things we all
should
do in
the sense that they are important and worthwhile. Somebody needs to work on the church committee, organize the Parent-Teacher Association or coach the soccer team. The question is, does it have to be
you?

Many of us with ADD have worked so hard all our lives to stay afloat that we’re unrealistic about our limitations. We’re so
afraid of not measuring up to expectations that we drive ourselves
to do anything and everything. Many times we’re doing more than our fair share but don’t know what a fair share is. Even if we aren’t doing as much as our peers, we may be working to the limits of our capacities.

We can’t answer any of these questions for you. Only you can make a determination about the should-do’s and must-do’s in your life. But we want to share some of our thoughts about a
couple of them. As you think about the ideas that follow, carefully consider the to-do’s that are an accepted part of your lifestyle. Reflect on them within the context of your inventory and schedule—are you absolutely sure that they should be part of your life, or do they throw the balance off?

Analyze Your Financial Equation

As you review your diary, take a hard look at your standard of living.
Is there a way to make changes in this area? Obviously, if you’re just meeting basic needs for food, shelter and health care, there isn’t anything to cut out. Many of us do, however, have the flexibility to get by on less money. If you’re stressed by exceeding your work capacity, you probably need to look at ways to reduce the demands. This may mean a reduction in income. Prioritize your commitments
with these questions in mind:

What is essential for survival?
What is important?
What can I do without?

As you try to figure this one out, think of it as an equation. On one side of the equation are your needs and desires for a certain standard of living. On the other side is the toll it takes to earn that living. Only you can decide the best way to balance this equation! You may decide to reduce
your workload by shortening your hours or by taking a less demanding job. Use your creative ADD brain to come up with ideas for living well on less money.

Analyze Your Simplicity
/
Complexity Equation

The key to simplifying our ADD lives is maintaining a proper equilibrium between too much or too little of each balancing act. Although we’ve been stressing the value of keeping it simple, it’s possible
to make it
too
simple. If you’ve been coping with your ADD by severely limiting yourself, you can tip the balance in the opposite direction. Without sufficient challenge, ADDers don’t function well, either.

If you often feel bored, lethargic or depressed, you may be understimulated. You may need to push yourself a little more—just enough to function at an optimal level. Your task will be to figure
out how to inject more challenge into your life without taking on too much. Ask yourself the questions again to determine if your problem is overstimulation or understimulation.

The Revolutionary Bed Ejector—A New Invention That
Gets You Up and Moving in the Morning!

Are you getting too much rest or sleep? Experiment by cutting back on the number of hours you sleep each night. Do you feel better with less sleep than you have been routinely getting? If so, set your alarm clock every night, even on weekends, and make yourself get out of bed no matter what. Or buy a
Revolutionary Bed Ejector!

Train yourself to hop out of bed at the first sound of the alarm even though your natural tendency is to shut it off and go back to sleep. Getting yourself going in the morning isn’t easy, and if you think too much about it, you’ll get cold feet! Once it becomes a habit, you may feel better and more productive during the day.

Making the process automatic helps. Just
go through your morning ritual on autopilot. Do only things that require so little effort that you could do them when you’re half—asleep—which might be how you’re still feeling at midmorning! Ask your family not to talk to you or make any demands until you are fully awake. Also try to plan your workday so that the tasks that require problem solving are done later in the morning.

In looking at
the other areas of your life, you need to examine ways you can inject spice and challenge. Would a job change or seeking a promotion be in order? Would a new hobby provide needed excitement? The choice is yours. Make changes gradually so you can find your optimal level of challenge. If you start experiencing anxiety or other stress symptoms, you’ve probably reached your limit and need to think about
cutting back.

Analyzing Your Miscellaneous
Should-Do’s and Must-Do’s

To continue paring down your overscheduled life, take a look at all the areas on your list. Can you cut down on the amount of time you spend on grooming? Do you have more social activities than you can handle? Are you carefully considering your need for breaks? Is there some way to ensure that you get them? Continue this process
of asking questions and making
appropriate modifications until you have a weekly schedule that’s more manageable.

How-To’s of Slicing and Dicing

We hope this discussion of balance issues can help you take a studied look at your lifestyle. The decisions you make about them will be the basis for constructing your safety net to reduce undue burdens. Only you can decide what a balanced life means
for you and what methods will work in achieving it. But how can you make the changes you’ve decided will simplify your life?

Of course, we can’t tell you exactly how you should proceed with your slicing and dicing. But some of the ideas that follow may give you some things to think about. We don’t recommend that you impulsively start acting on them all! We do recommend that you try some of them
and modify or toss out the ones that won’t work.

Slicing and Dicing Techniques

Can You Make a Budget to Determine
How You Spend Your Money?

This is a long process of reviewing your checkbook, bank receipts and bills for an entire year. If you can push yourself through it, you will gain invaluable information. Most people are surprised at the money they fritter away. It might actually save you
money if you hire a financial coach to help you with the overwhelming details of making a budget.

Can You Cut Down on Impulsive Purchases?

Since one of the hallmarks of ADD is impulsivity, you may buy first and think later. Simply being aware of your tendencies may help. Train yourself to stop and think before you buy anything—“Do I really need this? Can I afford it?” Make a rule not to make
any major purchase until you have discussed it with your spouse or family. If impulse buying is a problem,
you may have to stay out of stores, cut up your credit cards or plan your shopping trips with an empty wallet!

Can You Resist the Pressure to Keep Up with the Joneses?

Many of us have lifelong habits of measuring ourselves against others. We worry so much about our inability to keep up
with other people that it’s easy to buy into the equation that “Competence equals Material Success.” We rashly jump on the endless treadmill of consumerism, afraid we’ll be left behind. Each of us can reduce stress by rethinking our values.

Can You Change Your Job Responsibilities
or Change Jobs for a Better Fit?

What can you save in emotional wear and tear by working fewer hours or making a
job change? Perhaps a different job would actually lower your commuting, child care or wardrobe expenses.

Should You Get a Job Outside the Home
If Full-Time Parenting Isn’t Your Forté?

Not everyone is cut out for staying at home with her family. You may not want a full-time career, but maybe you need the stimulation of a part-time job. The rewards of a little extra money and connections to other
people might make your life more interesting. You might find yourself in a better emotional state of mind to deal with family issues when you have some time away from them.

Can You Barter for Goods and Services?

Do you have a skill or talent that would benefit someone else? Exchange it for something you need. Bartering is a time-honored system for exchanging duties to save money and aggravation
and to maximize your talents.

Can You Get Some Outside Help?

Babysitters, cleaning people, gardeners—anyone or anything you can afford or can barter for—can help make your
life more manageable. You don’t have to do everything yourself.

Are You Asking for Help When You Need It?

Don’t let pride stand in the way when you’re overloaded. You can return the favor later. You probably have friends
or family who would be willing to do some things for you. Why can’t your sister pick up the milk you need when she’s at the store? You don’t have to attend every one of your daughter’s soccer games. Ask another soccer parent to take her sometimes and cheer her on.

Are You Firm About Meeting Your Essential Needs?

If you need a half-hour of quiet at the end of your workday, take it without guilt
or apology! If you are the ADD parent of an ADD child, you probably have your hands full managing the details of both your lives. Do you have to donate the little time left over to volunteering on the local library committee? Practice saying “No” to requests for commitments of your time. State politely, firmly and without apology that you are already doing as much as you can handle. If the request
is made more insistently, repeat your refusal without anger or defensiveness and promptly end the conversation. If you want to help in some way, discuss possibilities with a clear statement of how much you are willing to do.