Willow Pond (28 page)

He’d never heard her use that tone. It was sharp with fury. “I’m sorry,” he said.

She leaned back in her chair, fiddling with the handle of her teacup. She looked away from Erich and stared at her cup. “Are you in love with her, Erich? Is she in love with you?”

He didn’t say a word. Didn’t have to.

“When you make love to me do you think of her? Is that how you can stand being with me?”

“That’s not it at all.”

She shook her head slowly, staring at him with an incredulous expression in her big brown eyes. “You and I have nothing compared to what’s between you and Laura Austin.”

“Jenny—”

“How do you think I felt, watching the two of you dance? The look in your eyes - I wanted the floor to swallow me up.”

He got up and put the tea kettle on the stove. “Is your tea cold? I’ll make you another cup.”

“I don’t want anything. I’m nauseous.”

“Are you sick?”

“No, damn you.” She glared at him. “It’s morning sickness. I’m pregnant.”

He dumped the spoonful of sugar he was holding onto the table and stared at her. “My God.”

She dropped her head into her hands and began to cry. Erich felt wretched. After a moment she raised her tearstained face and looked deep into his eyes. “I wish I’d never met you, Erich Muller. I had this fantasy about telling you about the baby, how you’d take me into your arms and tell me you’d never loved another woman the way you loved me, then talk about how much you were going to love our baby …”

“Jenny—”

“Well, that’s what I get. I wanted a baby for so long and now I’m going to have one. Lucky me.”

“It’ll be okay, Jenny. We’ll work things out.”

“I don’t think so.”

“I’ll make it up to you. I promise.”

She shuddered. “When I think of you and her … Give me the car keys.” She walked toward the door. “I have to get away from here for a while.”

“Where are you going?”

She looked back over her shoulder at him and shot him a look of disgust. “Don’t you dare question me about anything.”

***

The following afternoon he went to meet Laura at The Serpentine in Hyde Park. While he waited, he watched people drift by in rowboats and remembered the boat ride he and Laura had taken so long before. When he saw her walking toward him, he knew he couldn’t give her up. But everything was such a mess. What could they do?

They embraced and kissed, then sat on a bench, pressed closely together.

“I’m going to Paris for a few days,” Laura said. “I’d love for you to come with me.”

“Jenny’s pregnant. I’ve got to try and work things out with her.” He swallowed hard, seeing Laura’s eyes fill with tears. “Please try and understand, Laura. I can’t desert her and the child.”

“I know you can’t.”

He took her hand in his. “God, Laura. This is killing me.”

“I can’t give you up.”

He put his arm around her and she snuggled her head into his chest. They sat that way for a few moments, listening to nature.

“What are we going to do?” Laura asked.

He said nothing but followed her gaze to the boaters. He knew she was thinking the same thing he was. He took her hand and they stood up.

“A boat ride,” he said. “How about it?”

“It’s the perfect day for one.”

Chapter Fifty-Three

Two days later Laura called Erich and told him she wanted to see him. He considered telling her they shouldn’t see each other, but he couldn’t. Jenny was so busy shopping for baby clothes he didn’t think she even heard him when he told her he’d be late and not to wait up.

He took the subway to Eighth Street, then walked the few remaining blocks to Laura’s apartment on Patchin Place. Rain had begun to come down heavily and the sidewalk was slick with fallen leaves. It was the kind of day people should stay inside. But Erich had decided to go to Laura, and when Erich made up his mind to do something nothing could stop him.

Jenny was eight weeks pregnant, which meant she must have conceived right after their honeymoon. He’d always wanted children but never imagined it like this. Jenny’s parents were thrilled. She insisted on visiting them every Sunday and he didn’t have the heart to refuse her. In her parents’ company she was much happier, but he thought his in-laws behaved more coldly towards him lately. In the past they’d treated him like the son they’d always wanted. Then again, maybe it was just his imagination. Jenny was too proud a woman to tell them her marriage was failing.

He rang Laura’s bell, remembering the first time he’d ever seen her. She came to the door, lovelier than ever, and put her arms around his neck. She kissed him, filling him with strength, and he kissed her back, loving the smell of her, the feel of her, the reality of her.

“I’m glad you came,” she said. “I’ve missed you.”

“Me, too,” Erich said and kissed her again.

She nuzzled his neck. “Mmm. What kind of aftershave are you wearing?”

“Don’t remember.”

She took his hand and led him into the house, then closed the door behind them. As soon as they were inside they were in each other’s arms again, kissing hungrily.

***

Jenny stood at the floor-to-ceiling windows of her parents’ living room in Connecticut, watching her husband. Erich had been riding for almost two hours and didn’t seem to be tiring. He had so much energy she found it difficult to keep up with him, now that she was pregnant. The morning sickness she suffered with all day hadn’t gotten any better. Despite her difficult pregnancy, Jenny loved her unborn baby more than she’d ever had anyone. She couldn’t wait to hold him in her arms.

She heard the front door close, and a moment later her father stood in the doorway. He held his suitcase in one hand and the Sunday New York Times in the other. Preston Abbott kissed both his daughter’s cheeks, then stood back and stared at her.

“You’re too pale. I don’t like it. Something’s not right.”

“I’m fine, Daddy.” She put both hands on her abdomen. “I just can’t fit into any of my clothes anymore. I didn’t expect you back today. Where’s Mother?”

“Still at your sister’s, helping her get settled. I have a meeting tomorrow morning at eight so I couldn’t stay.”

She turned her back to him and he took a few steps toward her. “What’s so interesting out there?” he asked.

She glanced at him, then back out the window, but didn’t say anything.

Her father nodded. “Erich’s riding again. He enjoys it very much, doesn’t he? He’s a good man, Jenny. I asked him to come to work for me, but he turned me down. Can you imagine?”

“He’ll never give up being a journalist. It’s in his blood.”

Preston watched his daughter as she gazed at her husband. “I have to admire his independence. Why aren’t you out there with him?”

“I’m not in the mood to go riding. Besides, the doctor told me it isn’t good for me or the baby.”

He grinned. “How is that grandson of mine doing?”

“He’s fine, Daddy.”

“Those doctors don’t know what they’re talking about.” He took her hand. “Come on, I’ll help you saddle your horse. You know how much you love to ride.”

“I don’t feel like it.”

He stopped, staring at her with concern. “Are those tears, baby girl?”

“I’m not your baby girl anymore, Daddy, but I wish I were. I’m a married woman who’s expecting a baby and has a terrible problem that I don’t want to talk about.”

He pulled her close against him and she snuggled in, wishing she could disappear. “I’m always here for you, Jenny. So is your mother.”

“I know you are. But this is something I have to take care of on my own.”

The next day, Jenny and Erich returned to their Greenwich Village apartment. As soon as they walked in the door, she strode into the bedroom and shut the door behind her. When they were with her parents they tried to put on a good front, but as soon as they left the façade collapsed.

Since their return from London she’d been fighting the truth about their marriage. Now she had to face up to it. The marriage was over, though she hated that fact. Despite what had happened between Erich and Laura Austin, she wanted to forgive him. She wanted to do it for herself, and for the baby. But in her heart she knew she couldn’t.

Days after their return, Erich was named the Herald Tribune’s Washington D.C. bureau chief. He spent so much time traveling between Washington and New York they were able to spend little time together. When he was home they either didn’t speak or they fought.

Yesterday, like on most other days, he had passed up the chance to spend time with her and had gone horseback riding instead. Even her parents had commented on it. He always seemed distracted when she mentioned the baby, and Jenny had begun to wonder if he cared about her or the baby at all.

This time, Erich opened the bedroom door and peered inside. “We should talk.”

She followed him into the kitchen where he had prepared steaming cups of tea. It was served in the Lenox china they had received as a wedding gift from her parents, and when she looked at it she was struck with the realization that her marriage had been a lie from the first day.

“You never loved me,” she said calmly. She stood by the kitchen counter, bracing herself against its edge. “You married me because Laura Austin wouldn’t have you.”

“That isn’t true. I did love you. I still do.” He took a bottle of milk out of the icebox and poured some into a creamer, then looked at her pale face. “Please sit down.”

“What can you say to me that will change anything?”

“I vowed once that we’d always be together.”

“You aren’t going to be able to keep that promise.”

He stared at the cup of tea, then looked up at her. “I’ve made a mess out of everything.”

She hesitated, wanting to say exactly what she felt in that moment. “Do you know what hurts the most?” she asked. “Your lack of interest in our baby. I’ve seen the pride in your eyes whenever you mention Rachel, but it’s not there when we talk about our child. You seem almost … bored with the subject. That hurts.”

“I want our child very much. I will love him with all my heart and soul. But that doesn’t mean I can’t love my daughter, too.”

“My God, Erich. I wish I could believe you. You say one thing, but your actions tell me something else.” She shrugged. “Maybe you’ll love our baby, but you certainly don’t love me. I can’t live with that.”

“I care about you. Very much.”

“Care about me? That’s a laugh. I want to be loved. I want someone to love me the way I love you or the way you love Laura Austin. I saw it in your eyes when you looked at her. I want that. I don’t want to share you with anyone, and as long as she’s on the face of this earth, you’ll always belong to her.”

“What are you saying?”

“We need time apart.”

He reached for her hand. “Can’t we at least try?”

“Why are you making this harder than it already is? You know as well as I do that it’s over between us. There was never anything there to begin with. At least not on your part.”

“You’re wrong.”

“Oh, Erich. No more. I can never trust you again. You belong to Laura, not me. I’ll move out as soon as I pack my things.”

“There’s no need for you to go anywhere. I’ll find a place.”

“No. I don’t want to live here. I can move into my parents’ house. They have plenty of room for me and the baby.”

He looked at her, his eyes so incredibly blue she wanted to cry. If only they had made it. If only there had been no Laura Austin. If only. If only.

“I never wanted to end up this way,” he said. “Please believe me when I say I want to be a part or our child’s life. A father.”

“I’d never take him away from you. I know what my father has always meant to me.”

She glanced critically around the kitchen. “I don’t want to be in this apartment anymore. It’s never felt like a home to me. Then again, you never wanted to have a home with me, did you? Your heart’s always been elsewhere.”

“Jenny, I’m sorry I disappointed you.”

She finished her tea and put the cup in the sink. Without a word she left him alone and headed back to the guest bedroom, where she spent the night crying. In the morning Erich got up 6:00 a.m. and left for Washington D.C. before Jenny was awake. When he returned three days later, she’d moved out.

***

The day after he returned from Washington D.C., Erich called Laura. He told her Jenny had left him and had called that morning to tell him she planned to file for divorce as soon as the baby was born. When Laura heard him say the words she wanted to laugh with relief, but she detected a note of sadness in his voice. Just because her marriage to Phillip had been a nightmare, there was no reason to believe his marriage to Jenny had also been that way. They’d been married such a short time, and she was expecting a baby. Laura sensed he was fond of her. No, none of this could be easy for a man as sensitive as Erich.

“I never thought things would end this way,” Erich said quietly. “Do you feel as miserable as I do?”

“My marriage was over before I met you. I’ve just let it drag on out of habit. It’s different for you. I don’t think you would have married Jenny unless you’d thought it would work out.”

“You’re too easy on me. I knew how I felt about you. I never should have married her.” He reached for a cigarette then tossed the pack onto the table. “I hurt her more than she could ever deserve. That makes me feel like the biggest louse that ever walked the earth. Then there’s the baby …”

“How can I help? Maybe I could call Jenny and explain to her that none of this would have happened if I hadn’t gone back to Phillip. It was all just a misunderstanding.”

“You and I know that, but it wouldn’t mean anything to her.” When she didn’t say anything, he continued. “I’ve got the next three days off. I’d really love it if you and the baby could come here and stay with me. There’s an art expo in Washington Square Park tomorrow and Sunday, and I know how much you enjoyed the one last year.”

“Sounds like fun.” She laughed. “I’ll be there as soon as I can.”

Chapter Fifty-Four