When You're Ready (19 page)

Scout deserved someone who could love as intensely as he could, without questions or reservations or conditions. I wasn’t sure I could give him what he needed, but none of that mattered anymore. I figured as soon as he heard the truth he’d be so repulsed by my actions whatever feelings he had for me would immediately wither away.

Still, I owed him the truth. The fact that he felt so guilty about something that was clearly
my fault
was eating me alive.

As we sat by the Jacuzzi holding hands, I stared into his beautiful brown eyes and took a breath, then forced out the words. “Scout, there’s something I need to tell you.”

“Okay, baby, what is it?”

“Yesterday at work—“

“Nola, we don’t have to talk about this. I already—“

I put a finger to his lips, shushing him. “Scout, I was so exhausted I wasn’t even thinking straight. I was a couple of hours into my shift and I knew I wasn’t going to make it. It was either go home and get fired or chug coffee non-stop, which wasn’t really an option either. I felt like my back was against a wall and the only thing coming my way was a bunch of bad choices.”

Scout started to speak, but I shook my head and continued talking. “During my break, I thought if I could just take a quick nap I’d be okay, you know? But between the music and the noise in the kitchen I couldn’t sleep. Roxy came in and was giving me a hard time about it. She said my nap wasn’t going to work, and I knew she was right, but I had to try anyway. What other option did I have?”

Scout nodded, but didn’t try to interrupt.

“I felt so shitty, Scout. Like a freaking zombie, I was just barely making it. Anyway, Roxy said she had something that could help me get through the day.” I broke away from his gaze and stared at our hands, he was still stroking my fingers with his. “Roxy gave me some pills. She said her doctor had been prescribing them to her for years and they were fine. She said they’d get me through the day. I knew it was a stupid idea, but I was desperate, Scout. I didn’t know what else to do.”

I met his eyes again, but he looked down at the Jacuzzi, his jaw tensing. Scout was pissed. Even though he didn’t say a word I could tell he was mad at me, but I had to tell him the whole story, even if it meant I’d never see him again. He didn’t deserve to feel guilty for
my
mistake.

“I took one of the pills, and for a while I felt fine. I wasn’t mixing up orders anymore, and I had a sudden burst of energy. It felt like the fog in my brain had cleared away. A few hours later, though, my body started to slow down again, so I took another one. Again, I felt energized and like I could actually make it through my shift. About an hour before I got off I took the last pill, I figured it could help me get some more work done on my paper.”

I glanced down again. Scout was still holding my hand, but his grip had loosened. Even though he hadn’t moved, I knew he was already pulling away.

“When we closed down the restaurant, Roxy counted out the register and Liz made a pot of coffee. Without even thinking about it, I poured a giant cup and drank it. I’d planned on working on my paper for a little while before I went to sleep, so I figured the caffeine would help. I had forgotten I’d taken the pills. On the ride home I started to feel sick. I was dizzy and my heart was beating so hard I thought it might stop. I was scared I was going to die, Scout.”

He flinched and pulled his hand away, scrubbing it over his face. Scout didn’t look at me or say a word; he just sat there like he was in a trance.

“I was so stupid. So, so incredibly stupid. I could have died, you know. I could have ended up just like my father.” The realization hit me like a Mack truck and I started to cry. I reached for Scout’s hand, again, hoping to find some comfort. “I’m so sorry, Scout. I tried to tell you before that this was all my fault, but you wouldn’t let me. I just couldn’t bear the thought of you blaming yourself for this. It’s entirely my fault, okay?”

I tried to search his eyes, but he wouldn’t look at me, no doubt disgusted by what he’d heard. I nudged his chin in my direction, trying to meet his gaze, but again, he looked in the other direction.

“Scout, I’m—“

He pulled his hand away, stood up, and headed into the house without saying a word. I felt heavy sobs working their way up my throat and out of my mouth. Even though I knew he had every right to walk away from me, I couldn’t contain the despair I felt in that moment. I needed to get out of there and put some space between my feelings for Scout and the fact that I’d driven him away.

I wiped my eyes and walked toward the house, trying to control the ache moving through my chest. I had never planned on getting involved with anyone, never even planned on seeing Scout again after the cocktail party. But as I watched him sitting on the couch with his head in his heads I knew it was over. I’d fucked up and managed to lose the first,
and only,
man I ever loved.

I trudged up the stairs feeling like I had a thousand pound weight on my back. I wanted to kick myself for making a mess of things. All of the time I’d wasted trying avoid my mother’s mistakes was for naught. I’d fallen in love with Scout and would suffer the consequences of a broken heart, all because I was an idiot.

I found my freshly laundered clothes hanging in the closet and slipped them on, then looked around the guestroom for my phone. The last time I’d seen my cell it was flying across the room before Scout’s lips crashed into mine, setting my whole body alight.

It was pointless to dwell on the kiss now. It would only serve as a painful reminder of how badly I’d messed things up. Scout’s lips felt so good on mine, and in that moment all I wanted was for him to lay me down and make love to me for the very first time. But that would never happen now. I would never feel Scout inside me; I’d never feel the weight of his strong body pushing down on mine; I’d never know what it would be like to breathe kisses into his neck.

I found my phone; it was cracked and broken, and wouldn’t turn on. A new round of sobs rumbled through my body as I mourned what could have been between Scout and me. We could have been great together, but I’d been so stubborn and stupid to even realize what I had until it was too late.

I walked down the hall to Scout’s office to use his phone. I called a cab, telling the driver not to honk; I’d meet him outside. I wrote Scout a note and stuck it on his computer, then I headed downstairs. Scout was no longer sitting on the sofa, so I slipped out the front door without saying goodbye.

I figured it would hurt less that way.

20
Scout

I knew Nola was gone as soon as I stepped out of the shower. After she told me Adderall was responsible for her accident, I didn’t know what the fuck to do. Nola on
drugs?
The whole thing seemed incomprehensible.

How could she turn to pills after hearing how much hell I’d been through with my parents? How could she put her life in danger by taking someone else’s medication? How could she be so stupid?

I was prepared to fall on my sword for Nola and take the wrap for her injury. I was prepared to beat myself up and try my damnedest to make amends to her for as long as it took because I thought it was my fault. I was prepared to do anything to keep her safe. But I was caught completely off guard that Nola—my sweet, innocent, smart-enough-to-know-better Nola—had stooped to popping pills just to get through the night.

Before I could say anything I would regret when she told me the truth, I got up and left her sitting by the hot tub. I could hear her cries, and it shredded my heart to hear Nola in such anguish, but I didn’t try to comfort her. I had to hold onto whatever logic and reason I had left before my emotions took over and I lost my head.

Being with a drug user was out of the question, but Nola wasn’t an addict. I knew she wasn’t hooked on drugs; still, the thought of her using pills made me remember all of the times my parents promised they were through getting high. Whenever they did drugs it was always
just one more
with them.

“Just one more, Scout, then mommy’s gonna get clean. I just need this to get me through today,” my mother had said so many times I lost count.

At first, I believed her. I would thank God for finally answering my prayers to release my parents from the stranglehold that poison had on them. But after hearing “This is the last one, Scout, I promise,” for what felt like the millionth time, I finally gave up hope.

I didn’t want to give up on Nola, but I couldn’t standby and watch her turn into a junkie either. I knew how easily people fell into drugs, especially when they were as stressed out as she was. I hoped Nola knew better than to rely on something other than her wits and common sense again, but I wasn’t sure she could resist the temporary jolt of energy she could get from just swallowing a tiny pill.

When I couldn’t stand hearing Nola cry anymore, I decided to take a hot shower and hopefully untangle the emotions in my gut. I loved Nola and I wanted to be with her so much it physically hurt. As I stood in the shower trying to figure out what the hell to do, my chest constricted so rapidly I thought I was having a heart attack. But soon, I realized my body was being seized by fear. I was scared to lose Nola, and the possibility of what we could become, but she had to know that drugs were completely out of the question. If we were going to be together she would have to let me help her; Nola had to understand she didn’t have to carry all of her burdens on her own.

I stepped out of the shower intent on straightening things out between us, but immediately sensed a shift in the air. I knew she was gone; however, I wandered the house looking for her, hoping she was still next to the Jacuzzi gazing into the blackness of the night sky. When I couldn’t locate her in the house I slumped down at my desk; that’s when I saw her note.

Dear Scout,

I’m so sorry I let you down. I wouldn’t blame you if you never wanted to see me again, so in case that happens, I just wanted to say thank you. You showed me that love isn’t dangerous or scary, but can be kind of amazing. You’re amazing, Scout. I’m just sorry I wasn’t able to give you the same gift.

Love,

Nola

Holy shit
, once again Nola had it wrong. She
was
amazing. Before I met her love was the very last thing on my mind. As a matter of fact, I didn’t even think it was possible for a fucked up guy like me, but she came into my life and changed everything.

I wasn’t jaded anymore. I didn’t think
all
women were disposable or interchangeable; Nola certainly wasn’t. She was my dream girl, the one I thought only existed in sappy love songs and chick flicks, but she was real. Being with her confirmed Fernando was right—you just knew when you met
The One
.

I picked up the phone and dialed her number, hoping I could convince her to come back. She must have turned it off, because her phone went straight to voicemail, so I sat there trying to figure out what to do next. I thought about calling again and leaving a message, but what if she never called me back?

I bolted out of my office and into my room. I threw on a pair of jeans, a t-shirt, and my sneakers, then grabbed my keys and headed to the garage. I jumped in my Mustang and raced down the hill on the way to Nola’s apartment.

I wasn’t happy she took the pills, but I understood Nola was between a rock and a hard place, and shit happened. I could certainly forgive her for making a careless mistake; I’d made enough of my own. And if it hadn’t been for luck or God or my boys, I probably wouldn’t even be alive today to tell her about them.

I shuddered; if I confessed all of the crazy shit I’d done in my life Nola may not be so forgiving. I wanted to tell her, I wanted to make sure there were no secrets left between us, but I couldn’t risk losing her
again
.

We had only been apart for a few hours and I already felt like my heart would fucking crumble if I didn’t straighten things out. How could I lay myself bare, knowing it could change the way Nola saw me? She thought I was caring and generous and kind, but I knew better.

I’d spent most of my life lying, stealing, and doing all types of deplorable shit just to stay alive. I didn’t care who I used or left in my wake; I was only concerned about my boys, and they never judged me. Jason and Fernando never criticized how I lived or treated people, they understood. But would Nola? I wanted to pour my heart out to her, but I couldn’t, under any circumstance, have her walk out of my life for a second time.

When I pulled up in front of her building my head was awash in conflicting emotions. My anger had subsided, and fear had taken its place. What if she wouldn’t come home with me? It seemed silly, but I wanted Nola in my home. I
needed
her in my space so I could block out the world and convince her to be with me—not just as my friend, but as my lover too.

I jogged up the steps to her apartment, took a deep breath, and knocked on the door. It was nearly three in the morning and I didn’t want to wake her neighbors, so I waited for several minutes before knocking again. Nola still didn’t come to the door, and a sick feeling came over me.

What if something’s wrong?