What We Learned Along the Way (26 page)

“The way he looked when he came in here, I
wasn’t sure if he’d make it. I’ve never seen anyone recover so
quickly,” the doctor said to his mother as he looked at her son,
amazed.

She brushed an eyelash off of her son’s face.
“You all did all you could for him, and we appreciate it, but this
right here is a work of God,” she said proudly.

“It must be,” the doctor said before leaving
the room.

Now that Jihad was making strides in his
recovery, Mariam had to do some recovery of her own.

“What!” her mother yelled when Mariam told
her she was going back to Chicago. “For what? Don’t tell me you’re
going back to him, Mariam.”

“Mama, this isn’t about him,” she lied. “I
have a great job there and I have to get back. I worked too hard to
get that job.”

“You can get another job here! There are at
least a dozen companies that would love to have you. I don’t see
why you have to go all the way back to Chicago, where you have no
family or support, just for a job.”

“It’s not just a job. It’s the job I’ve been
working towards my entire college career. I’m not going to give
that up.”

Her mother softened her tone. “I just don’t
want you to go back there and get hurt again. You know he’s there.
He’s going to try and get you back and that’s going to be hard to
resist. I know you still love him. I don’t want to see you cry
anymore.”

“I know. I’ve thought about all that, but I
can take care of myself. I have to do this for me.”

“Okay, but don’t say I didn’t warn you.” It
was nearly 6:30 and Halimah wanted to have dinner ready before her
husband got home. She went into the kitchen and started peeling
potatoes.

“Can you do me a favor?” Mariam asked as she
peeked her head into the kitchen. Her mother didn’t turn around,
but Mariam knew she was listening.

“Can you not tell daddy? At least not until
after I leave.”

Halimah put the potato down. “I don’t keep
secrets from your father, Mariam.”

“Come on, please. It’s only until I leave.
You know how daddy gets. It’ll be easier if he doesn’t know.”

Halimah let out a loud sigh. “When do you
leave?”

“Tomorrow afternoon.”

“Tomorrow! Why so soon? You’ve been through
so much. You can’t stay at least another week?”

“The ticket is already paid for. I’ve been
gone for over two month. I need to get back to work.”

“Fine, I won’t say anything to your father,
but if he asks, I’m telling him.”

“That’s fine. I leave tomorrow afternoon, so
he won’t even notice anything until after I’m already gone. Thanks
a million.” She turned around and went up to her room before her
mother had a chance to change her mind.

Mariam had already packed up most of her
belongings, but she still had a few things left.

“Where are you going?” Nadia asked when she
came into the room.

“I’m going back home,” Mariam said, trying to
sound nonchalant.

“Home where?” Nadia asked angrily. “I know
you not tryna go back to his cheating ass!”

“Excuse me?” Mariam said as she whipped her
head around to look her sister in the face. They had argued many
times before, but her sister had never cursed at her.

“The truth hurts, don’t it?” Nadia said with
her arms folded.

“Look, Nadia, you really need to stay out of
my business. You don’t even know what’s going on.”

“Oh, I know enough. I know he got your
so-called best friend pregnant, then married you and acted like
nothing happened. What else is there to know?”

“Can you just drop it, please? I have a lot
going on. I don’t need this.” Mariam was starting to get a
headache.

“This is exactly what you need. You need
someone to tell you what a dumb mistake you’re about to make. What,
you think because he shed a few tears on the phone that everything
is going to be better?”

“You and mama can think what you want. I’m
going back for work. I have a great job in Chicago, one that I have
every intention of keeping, regardless of what you all say.”

“Maybe you fooled mama with that excuse, but
I know better. You’re going back to Chicago to be with Rashad. I
know you are.”

Mariam hated how well her sister knew her. No
matter how much she tried to push the lie about only going back for
her job, there was no fooling Nadia. That didn’t stop her from
trying though.

“You need to stay out of grown folks’
business. You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Okay, but don’t say I didn’t warm you,”
Nadia said before leaving the room, shaking her head in disgust.
Mariam prayed her sister wasn’t right.

Sitting in the cramped airplane seat, Mariam
felt like a hypocrite. No matter what she told her mother and tried
to tell her sister, she knew why she was going back. It was true
that she wanted to keep her job, but more than that, she wanted to
talk to Rashad. She was still angry and there was no guarantee that
things would work out, but wherever they were going to end up, they
had to take the journey together and in person. She had always
thought of herself as a strong woman, but here she was back on her
way to Chicago. She heard stories of pitiful wives that took their
cheating husbands back and always swore she would never be like
that. Now other women would hear her story and swear never to be
like her.

When Mariam got off the plane, she ran to the
bathroom. The overwhelming mixture of emotion and pancakes she’d
eaten for breakfast was turning on her. She knelt down in front of
the toilet bowl and closed her eyes. She couldn’t stand the sight
of vomit. She made a loud hurling noise and released it all into
the bowl. She stood up and flushed immediately, trying not to give
the smell a chance to escape the bowl. Too late.

She was happy to see that there was no one
else in the bathroom when she left the stall. She rinsed her mouth
out with a small bottle of mouth wash she had in her purse and
splashed cold water on her face. She hadn’t seen her husband in
months and she wanted to look good, not particularly because she
wanted him to be attracted to her, but because she didn’t want him
to know how much hell she’d gone through.

Mariam retied her hijab and put a little
makeup on before going back into the busy airport. As she followed
the signs that directed her toward the baggage claim, she watched
the other people zoom by. She wondered if any of them were like
her, on their way to give their cheating spouses another
chance.

After she grabbed her bag from the revolving
belt, Mariam picked up her phone to call Rashad. Before she could
dial, she felt a hand on her shoulder. It scared her.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you,” Rashad
said from behind her. She put her phone away and turned around to
face him. Neither of them had ever felt that awkward before. He
wanted to hug her, but didn’t know if he should. She wanted to hug
him, but didn’t want to seem too easy. They weren’t sure what to
do, so they just stood there for a moment until a rush of people
scrambling for their bags forced them to move. She started to pick
her bag up from the ground, but Rashad quickly relieved her.

“Let me,” he said.

“No, I got it,” she said, trying to grab the
bag back.

“No, I’ve got it,” he said, pulling the bag
back in his direction. She didn’t resist this time, so he started
walking towards the car. “I hope you have comfortable shoes on.
It’s kind of a far walk.”

“I’ll be fine.” Mariam couldn’t believe how
nervous she was. What did she have to be nervous about? As she
followed her husband to the car, she watched the muscles in his
back go up and down. She loved watching him walk. She was just now
realizing how much she’d missed that.

“So, what do you say?” he said as they walked
up to the car.

His words pulled her out of her trance. “Huh,
what do I say to what?”

“I asked if you’re hungry. We can stop and
get something to eat on the way home if you want.”

“No, thanks. I’m not hungry.”

“Come on, babe. You’ve been traveling all
day. You’ve got to be hungry.”

“No, that’s okay. Really, I’m fine.”

“Just a salad or something. It won’t hurt. Do
it for me,” he pleaded with a smile.

“I said I’m not hungry. Why can’t you get
that through you head? What, do I need to say it in sign language?”
Mariam wasn’t ready to do anything for Rashad, not even eat a
salad. His cute walk and hospitality weren’t enough to make her
forget what he had done.

The man inside the parking garage toll booth
had witnessed the hostile conversation and looked a little alarmed.
Rashad paid the man and tried to look as normal as possible.
“Thanks, buddy,” he said before driving away.

He waited a few minutes for the scowl to fall
from her face. Once she looked more relaxed, he tried making
conversation again. “How is Jihad doing?”

“Better, a lot better.”

“That’s good to hear. I’ve really been
praying for him.”

“Oh, thanks.” Mariam’s phone started to ring.
It was her father. She ignored the call, but Rashad recognized the
ringer.

“Isn’t that your father?”

“Yes.”

“Why don’t you answer?”

“Because I don’t feel like hearing his
mouth.”

“What do you mean?”

“I know he’s just calling to tell me what a
horrible decision I’m making for coming back. My whole family is
mad at me because of it.”

“But you came back anyway?”

“Uh, yea.”

“Why?”

“Because I wanted to. This isn’t about you or
my parents or my smart-mouth sister. I did this for myself.”

“I know it’s not about me, but thank you
anyway,” Rashad said. She didn’t respond.

The two of them stood in front of their
apartment door as Rashad fumbled for his key. Mariam took a deep
breath.

Once I step into this apartment, there’s no
going back.

He opened the door and held it open, allowing
her to enter first. She looked around for a second and then took
her things into the bedroom. She immediately pulled out paperwork
and started reading and sending emails.

“You sure don’t waste any time,” he said as
he watched his wife take less than 5 minutes to get back into work
mode.”

“I’ve got a lot of catching up to do,” she
said without moving her eyes from the computer screen. “I figure if
I spend the rest of this week working like crazy to get caught up,
I can go back to work on Monday and not feel completely lost.”

“Oh, okay. Sounds like a good plan, but do
you have to get to work so soon? I was hoping maybe we could
talk.”

“Not now. I have way too much to do. Maybe
tomorrow, or next week, or whenever. Excuse me while I make this
call. She held one finger up in his face before he could say
another word.

“Yep, it’s me. I’m finally back,” she said
into the phone in her professional voice.

Rashad went into the kitchen to make some
lunch. He knew she said she wasn’t hungry but, sooner or later,
she’d have to eat. He really wasn’t in the cooking mood, but Mariam
was back, so he forced himself to do it anyway. He made her
favorite dish, chicken lasagna, and fixed it up nice with garnish,
just like he did at work. He hoped that, as usual, the smell would
waft into the bedroom and bring her into the kitchen. He waited for
about ten minutes. No Mariam.

“Smell anything familiar?” he said with a
huge smile while standing in the doorway.

She was so consumed in her work that it took
her a second to respond. “Huh? Do I smell anything? No. Why?” she
said with a pencil still in her mouth.

Rashad stiffened up. He had been cooking for
most of his life and he had never met anyone with a sense of smell
stronger than Mariam’s. She could tell him his secret ingredient
based on smell alone. There was no way she didn’t smell the
food.

“I made your favorite, chicken lasagna. Want
me to bring you a plate?” he said cheerfully, hiding his
frustration.

“No, thanks. I’m still not that hungry. I
could go for something small though, like a salad.”

Rashad knew what she was trying to do. She
wanted to make him angry so he would start yelling at her. Then
she’d have an excuse to leave again. He wasn’t going to fall for
it.

“One salad, coming right up.”

They spent the next two weeks interacting
strangely. Mariam was constantly passive aggressive, and Rashad
tried his best not to be angered by her passive aggressiveness.
Needless to say, it was a house full of tension.

“How much longer are we going to do this,”
Rashad asked one evening.

“Do what?” she responded, not even bothering
to peek her head out from behind the book she was reading.

“This!” he said, waving his arms in the air.
“It’s like we’re living together without actually being together. I
know it’s hard and you’re still angry, but we have to talk.” He
didn’t give her a chance to respond. “And I know what you’re going
to say. ‘I’m too busy. Not today.’ But I can’t accept that
anymore.” He took the book from his wife’s hand and turned her body
to face him directly. “Talk to me, please.”

Mariam was shocked. She hadn’t expected him
to touch her. They hadn’t touched each other the entire time she’d
been back. They weren’t even sleeping in the same bed. She wasn’t
sure what to say, but she had to say something.

“Okay, what do you want to talk about?”

Rashad let out a sigh of relief, but he was
slightly caught off guard. He hadn’t expected her to give in that
easily. Mariam, too, was surprised at how easily she gave in. She
still didn’t feel ready to have a real conversation with him, but
she hated the way things were going. Rashad scooted closer to his
wife and tried to hold her hand, but she wasn’t ready for that.

“Don’t,” she said as she tensed up and pulled
her hand away. Rashad’s eyes started to look glassy.