What Love Looks Like (24 page)

        
“Yes.”

        
“So
you lied to me.”

        
“Only
so I wouldn’t hurt you,” I said, with tear-filled eyes. “I knew it was nothing,
and I didn’t want to alarm you!”

        
“Oh,
you didn’t hurt me, Elle. You broke my fucking heart.” He stepped past Jay and
slammed my door behind him.

        
I
stood in silence, holding back sobs. Luna jumped at my legs in what I assumed
was an attempt to console me. “It’s time for you to leave,” I said to Jay.

        
“It’s,
like, seven blocks to my hotel. Can you drive me?”

        
He
was
such
a pussy. I sent him on his
pathetic way. I slammed my door shut after him, painfully aware of the damage
that had been done.

21

 
The
days following the confrontation were filled with anxiety and sadness; I felt just
as much negativity (if not more) as I had after Jay’s initial blow to my ego.
The only difference was that I was the one at fault. My responsibility in the
matter made it even harder to deal with. I sulked around my office and did the
same thing at my apartment. I felt like a complete and utter scumbag. I’d
severely wounded the first man who’d ever treated me like royalty. It destroyed
me to know that I’d caused him even an ounce of pain, let alone such severe
pain. And on top of that, I too was stricken with pain because all I wanted was
for Ryan to remain in my life. But it didn’t seem that would be the way my
story ended.

I beat myself up
to no end for accepting Jay’s invitation to meet again. Granted, I tried to put
an end to the kiss before anything else happened, and in my defense, I’d fully
intended on sending Jay packing before Ryan ever showed up. But Ryan saw what
he saw, and I couldn’t blame him for feeling deceived. No matter how I framed
it, I was in the wrong. It was all because I was still trying to make up for
not being adored in my adolescence. I couldn’t leave the past in the past, and
it came back to bite me—hard. And then its venom spread, and I felt like
the unwanted teenager all over again. I’d officially be alone for another winter.

I went
robotically through the demanding month of December at work. I bought uninspired
Christmas gifts for everyone in my family, doing all my shopping online and
refusing to leave the apartment unless it was absolutely required of me. Luna
proved quite the valuable partner to me in my sulky state, as she regularly
licked the salty tears from my cheeks, her warm tongue providing comfort and
her presence preventing me from feeling completely on my own.

I’d often stare
out of the window of my apartment for hours at a time, wine glass in hand, the
television drowning out the silence. I’d gaze at Ryan’s restaurant, hoping I
could glimpse him stepping outside to accept a wine delivery or just catching a
breath of fresh air amid the hectic banquet schedule I’d planned for him. But
he never emerged from the back door; it was as if he knew I’d be looking for
him and that seeing him would give me a sense of hope that I didn’t deserve.

After the
incident at my apartment, I’d heard from Jay right away. He texted me almost
every day during the week that followed, but I ignored his advances and he finally
backed off. The only person I wanted to hear from was Ryan. My attempts to talk
to him were futile. I’d gone, uninvited, to his house one time, but he either
wasn’t home or, having seen my car in the driveway, simply wasn’t answering the
door. I’d called him repeatedly, but the call always went straight to voice
mail. When I tried reaching him at work, whatever assistant was working that
day always make up some excuse as to why he couldn’t come to the phone. My
final attempt was a desperate text that simply read,
I need you in my life
, which he also ignored. And so finally I gave
up.

I was starting
over again, this time as a direct consequence of my own depraved actions. I had
always endeavored to be a respectable, sincere, moral individual. It was my way
of stopping the cycle of my past. I never wanted anyone to undergo even the
slightest degree of what I’d gone through, and I thought that being kind and
honest was the only way I could effect that. But I’d lied to someone who’d been
nothing but decent to me. That was how influential my dark side was, and how
potent my vices were. They weren’t gone; they’d never left. I’d just been
masking them the entire time. And now because of something I’d done, someone
else was in pain. And I was beside myself over it.

 
I had to face the harsh truth that my
life wasn’t even close to being settled. Where I was on my path bore no
likeness to where I’d hoped to be at my age. I was alone and with no ambition
to date anymore. The one I loved had seen my true colors, and he didn’t like
what he saw. Of course my parents were concerned when I showed up at
Thanksgiving alone, without Ryan. I was mortified to tell my family exactly
what happened, and the women in my family had to spend most of the holiday
consoling me. Bad decisions seem so innocuous when they’re made, as if they’ll
have no effect on anyone else. But my misjudgments had a way of creeping into
other parts of my life and into the lives of my loved ones. Like the tentacles
of an octopus, the consequences of my poor choices crept into every last
crevice of my being. Because of one stupid move, I’d lost the love of my life,
created tension at work, and ruined my family’s Thanksgiving. Seeing Jay wasn’t
worth any of that.

“We can’t keep
seeing you like this. It’s time to grow up. You should have seen that you
weren’t acting like yourself,” were my father’s words on Thanksgiving. He spoke
gently, planting a kiss on my forehead. It was tough love. “You’re an adult.
It’s time you get to know who you really are inside and start living according
to that.” He was a man of few words, but what he did say was usually powerful
and insightful. I knew that what my father said was the truth, but implementing
his advice was so much easier said than done. It was the first time he’d been
there to see me cry over a man before; I usually reserved my tears for my
mother. I was humiliated at how ill equipped I was to deal with life compared
with everyone else I knew. And seemingly my own father knew more about dating
than I did.

But he was
right. With Jay, I’d had to go so far outside my comfort zone just to feel as
if I was enough. With Ryan, I’d never felt like I was anything but exactly what
he wanted. And yet I’d convinced myself that my insatiable appetite for Jay was
some sort of underlying reason why he and I were meant to be; but it was just a
sign of bad things to come that I should have seen early on. My desire for him
was too extreme. And choosing to see him again was reckless. I’d ignored my
intuition, because his attention fueled my ego.

I was going to
have to pull it together, though, for the upcoming weekend. My cousin Mike was
having his third annual Christmas party, which I’d be attending with my
siblings and their plus-ones. I’d be the fifth wheel, which was something I should
have been used to. It was Christmas Eve, which was usually my favorite night of
the year. I considered staying home, but Emily threatened to come over and get
me, and I couldn’t have her seeing my apartment in shambles the way that it
was, with dirty dishes in the sink and piles of unwashed laundry everywhere.
Plus, my brother had agreed to drive everyone, which meant that I could drink
my sadness away with no consequence—at least none that required breaking
the law.

I dropped Luna
off at my parents’ house, where I was meeting Emily and Max before the party.
My mom and dad were finishing up some last-minute Christmas details when I
arrived. I plopped down on their sofa without having much to say, at least
nothing they’d want to hear. I sensed that everyone was growing tired of my sob
story.

“Feeling better
yet, sweetie?” my mother asked, hiding any annoyance that she might have
harbored.

“I’m trying,” I
said, with a lump in my throat.

“Has he called
you back yet? You look thin—are you eating?”

“No, and I don’t
think he’s going to. And yes I’m eating.” I lied.

“Well, going to
the party will be good for you. Maybe it’ll take your mind off things.” My
mother always took the path of least resistance. She didn’t encourage me to
keep trying to get Ryan’s attention; she simply suggested that I focus my
concentration elsewhere, as if that was possible.

Max, Kate,
Emily, her boyfriend Aaron, and I arrived at our cousin’s house dressed in our
holiday finest. I tried to wear something festive from what little clean
clothing I had left. I was able to piece together skinny black pants with a
fitted black cashmere sweater. I’d taken to wearing lots of black; however I
did add a chunky gold statement necklace just so I wouldn’t look as if I was in
mourning, though I kind of was. Being around my family at the holidays did make
my thoughts less abysmal. I felt less dreadful than I had in weeks. Perhaps I
was finally coming out of the fog. Sipping cocktails kept me upbeat; at the
very least, I was lively enough to keep from crying for most of the evening. A
nerdy-cute friend of my cousin’s even struck up conversation with me, so
perhaps my energy wasn’t completely off-putting to the other party guests.

“I’m Woody,” he
said, reaching his hand out.

“Did you say
Woody?” I asked, surprised. I’d never met a Woody, other than Ryan’s Woody.

“That’s right.
And you are?”

“I’m
sorry—I’m Elle.”
 

“So how long
have you known Coppola?” he asked, referring to my cousin Mike.

“Well, I’m a
Coppola also. I’ve known him since I was born. We’re first cousins.”

“And when you’re
Italian, that means you might as well be brother and sister, right?”

“Yeah,” I said,
forcing a laugh. “We pretty much grew up together. He and my older brother are
the same age, so they ganged up on me a lot.”

        
“Hard
having older brothers around, huh?”

        
“Yeah,
but they toughened me up, I guess.” Though I didn’t feel very tough.

        
“So,
do you mind if I ask if you’re dating anyone? You don’t have a ring on, but I
wanted to be sure.” He just had to remind me of my very bare ring finger.

        
“I
don’t mind at all. And no, I’m not. I just got out of a relationship. Well, two
relationships sort of.”

        
“Interesting.
How so?” he asked, obviously intrigued.

        
“I
just had two guys brawl over me in my kitchen because I’m an idiot,” I said
vaguely.

        
“Well,
you must be worth fighting for,” Woody said flirtatiously.

        
“Me?
No. I’m not the one worth fighting for.”

        
“Well,
apparently you are, if you have dudes scrapping over you.”

        
“It
was my fault. I messed things up with the good guy for a few seconds of
pleasure with the bad guy,” I said bluntly.

        
“Ouch.
Nice guys do finish last. So do you want to maybe go somewhere a little quieter
to talk?”

        
All
I could hear was the replay of the scene that took place in my apartment that
awful night. Woody was right; Ryan
had
fought for me. He rolled up his sleeves and gave another guy a black eye, just
for me. He thought I was worth fighting for. Maybe that meant there was still
hope! Maybe I just had to realize that
we
were worth fighting for.

        
“Excuse
me, Woody. It was really nice talking to you.” I set down my champagne and
looked for my brother.

        
“Max!”
I said, “Give me your keys. I’ve got to go somewhere!”

        
“How
will we get home, then?”

        
“You’ll
get a ride. Please, this is important!”

        
“How
much have you had to drink?” He was probably questioning my sanity more than my
sobriety.

        
“Like,
two half glasses of champagne. I don’t even know—I keep setting them down
and then they disappear.”

        
“What’s
going on?” My sister came up from behind my brother.

        
“Em!
Can you guys find another ride home? I need Max’s keys!” I said.

        
“Why,
where are you going?” she asked.

        
“Why
are you two so nosy?” I asked. “Just trust me.”

        
“What’s
going on?” From across the room, Kate had noted the excitement and was
approaching rapidly.

        
“Max!
I can’t explain right now. Hand them over, I
promise
you, I’ll be
careful with your stupid car.” He reluctantly placed his keys into my hand. I
quickly kissed him on the cheek and hugged Emily and Kate. “Love you all!” I
was gone in seconds flat, and the three of them were undoubtedly thinking I’d
finally gone off the deep end.