What Love Looks Like (19 page)

“So, why were you
so standoffish toward me at first?” I asked, after a glass and a half of wine
and no dinner.

        
“What
do you mean? I’m not standoffish.”

“I was afraid to
talk to you for my first six months.”
 

        
“Really?
Wow, that’s a terrible way to present myself.” He looked defeated, and I felt
guilty for bringing it up.

        
“Well,
in your defense, I’m sensitive,” I said, trying to make him feel better.

        
“I’m
just serious about my job, I guess. I’m there to work.”

        
“That’s
fair.”
 

        
“Plus,
I was attracted to you from the first day you walked into my restaurant. And
given my past relationships, I typically avoid women at all costs.”

        
“So
then what are we doing here?”

        
He
took his time coming up with a response. “After that night at Marcella’s and
that
kiss
,” he said, and I blushed,
“I couldn’t help myself. I
had
to see
you again. You only live once, right?”

        
Ryan
talked more about his work and personal life, speaking candidly about how one
had deeply affected the other. Talking about past relationships had me
wondering what we really
were
doing
there. We were treading a fine line between being coworkers who might casually
hook up and two people on a real date. I enjoyed his company, and physically,
he was attractive. But there was no denying that it was different with Jay. I
still lusted for Jay. My loins were actually affected by the very thought of
him. I wanted to breathe his air, bask in his atmosphere, and drink his
bathwater. But I just had to keep reminding myself that he didn’t feel the
same. And on top of that, my love for him was so fundamentally rooted in sexual
attraction that I wasn’t even certain how authentic it had ever been.

As the night
went on, I continued to grow fonder of Ryan with every sentence he spoke, but I
still wasn’t entirely sure of the nature of that fondness. We still hadn’t
kissed since that first night in the park, and we seemed to have been dancing
around kiss number two all night. I wanted to see if any feelings bubbled
up—without the influence of three vodka martinis—from kissing him.
Finally, while I was in the middle of explaining my theory that
entrepreneurialism provided more job security than traditional employment, Ryan
leaned close to me and planted his lips onto mine. It felt lovely, almost
heavenly in fact.

“Sorry,” he
said. “I had to do that.”

        
“Don’t
be sorry. I liked it.” And I really did! It didn’t feel wrong or subpar at all,
it just felt pretty great.

        
He
kissed me again. For a moment I forgot all about our surroundings. I liked
kissing him. So I kept on doing it. Sure, I was confused, but not unhappy. I’d
gone through so many emotions in the months leading up to that moment. Could
Ryan really be someone I could trust my heart with? I was wine-drunk, which was
preferable to vodka-drunk, and that made it less awkward. But what would happen
if it ended disastrously and we had to continue on as colleagues? Despite my
hang-ups, we kissed a little more, and I grew quite comfortable with having his
tongue in my mouth. And somewhere in between kisses, Ryan paid the check and
gave me directions to his townhouse, where I found myself twenty minutes later.

He beat me there
and waited for me outside so that we walked in together. He briefly showed me
around, but then when we got to the second floor where the living room was, I
couldn’t wait any longer. I was thrilled to be at his home, in his company. I
felt attracted to him, turned on, in fact, and I leaned into him and began
kissing him more. It felt easy and natural, inviting and relaxing. And I wasn’t
worried about being a good kisser or whether or not I sounded sexy when I
moaned. I just kissed him with my whole heart. We sat on his couch, kissing
vigorously, when abruptly I realized that his dog was nowhere in sight.

“Where’s Woody?”
I asked, pushing gently away.

        
“He’s
at the kennel this weekend. I had too many long days to leave him here alone.”
He didn’t seem even remotely annoyed that I’d interrupted our make out session.
While he spoke, he was rubbed my back with his warm, strong hands. He was a
protector, a provider. I could sense his good nature and felt him taking care
of me with his touch, and it felt wonderful.

        
“That’s
so sad that he has to go back and forth. Poor baby,” I said.

        
“I
know. I hate when I get home and he’s not here.”

        
“Remind
me to give you my dog walker’s name.”

        
We
talked for a few minutes longer until I started to feel light-headed. As I
gently began falling asleep, his burly arms encircled me. It was a magnificent
feeling to be wrapped in the arms of someone so nurturing and kind. I wasn’t
sure whether or not he was nodding off too, but he certainly lay still enough
for me to fall asleep to his quiet breathing. It was nearly midnight, and I
knew that I should get up and go home, but I was just so damn comfortable.

What felt like seconds
later, I woke with a shudder. “Oh my God, I have to get to Luna!” I got up
quickly and looked at the clock, which read three thirty in the morning.

        
“Huh?”
Ryan squinted through sleepy eyes at me, patting the back of my hair.

        
“I
have to go home. Luna’s been alone all night. I feel terrible!”

        
“She’ll
be fine. It’s too late for you to drive.”

“No, I have to
go. The poor thing is probably freaking out. I’m such a negligent pet owner!”

        
“Hardly.
You’re amazing.”

        
He
rubbed my back some more and pulled me in for more of his soft kisses. It was
nearly impossible to leave his arms; they were just
so
comfy. I could have slept with him on his couch all night, but I
knew that being a good parent to Luna took priority over anything else.

        
“I’m
so sorry I woke you.” I collected my purse, along with everything that had
spilled out of it.

        
“Don’t
be,” he said, smiling groggily. “I’d be angry if you left without kissing me
goodbye. I had an awesome time.”

        
“So
did I.” Awesome was an understatement.

18

 
In
the weeks that followed, Ryan and I had countless dates, each better than the
one before. Mostly, they consisted of late nights filled with kissing on Ryan’s
couch and sipping wine on his deck. It was the first time I’d ever really been
myself in front of a guy. It was like nothing I’d ever known before. It just
felt
right
down to the core
.
By the official start of summer, we
were a bona fide couple. We agreed to maintain confidentiality at work, partly
to avoid drama and partly because the sexiness of sneaking around hadn’t worn
off yet. There was just one slight problem: we’d gone out on seven legitimate
dates, but I had yet to sleep with him. Another seven dates equated to about
three weeks, which in my mind translated to eternity. I’d learned my lesson
from Jay that having sex too soon resulted in a sex-centric relationship. But
now that Ryan had passed test after test, I found myself getting antsy.

I broke down and
told Maureen about my new relationship with Ryan. And I only did so because,
given how much time we spent together, it was virtually impossible to hide
anything from her. I didn’t tell any of my college friends or my sister because
I didn’t want to jinx anything by answering too many questions or putting too
much pressure on the relationship. I avoided telling Jenna too, since she was a
busybody. I figured it was best to wait until I was sure it was going
somewhere. But after seven dates, no sex, and Ryan still acting like a perfect
gentleman, I figured it was safe to let Maureen in on my secret.

“I think I’m
ready to sleep with Ryan,” I said out of the blue on a Friday.

        
We
were just hours away from Memorial Day weekend, and Ryan and I were finally
going to get a few days off to spend together. One of our schedules was always
getting in the way of connecting for anything longer than an evening, but
finally we’d get to hang out like a normal couple during the holiday. And I was
stoked. Maureen thought that I should refrain from having sex for as long as
humanly possible, but I decided that I’d held out long enough.

“How many dates
are we up to?” she asked with raised eyebrows.

        
“Seven!
I’m dying here, Mo. I really want to be with him. This is the perfect weekend.
There’s just that romantic feeling in the air.”

        
“I
guess that if you really think you’re ready, now would be okay. He’s proven
himself by my standards.”

        
“He’s
more than proven himself. He’s literally the ideal gentleman. I’m here to tell
you chivalry is not dead. In fact, I think Ryan invented it.”

        
“Just
be careful. You got hurt last time, and I don’t want that happening again.”

        
“Ryan’s
different.”
 

        
“You
said that about Jay,” Maureen said, “and he turned out to be the same as every
other douche bag out there.”

        
“No,
Ryan’s
really
different. I’ll admit,
I was love-struck with Jay. Obsessive, stupid, puppy love shit. I wanted him so
badly that I couldn’t see straight. He was like crack to me. But with Ryan,
I’ve been able to hold out. And I’m so glad I have because he’s the real deal.
Totally worth the wait.”

        
“Okay,
honey, you have my blessing to get busy with Adler.” Maureen cheerfully
shuffled through a filing cabinet.

        
“Yay!
Thank you!”

        
I
headed back to my office where I counted down the minutes until closing time.
At six o’clock, a feeling of utter bliss set in. I was a mere day and a half
away from having sex with Ryan. I’d never been with anyone as big and strong as
he was, and I couldn’t wait to see what it felt like. I imagined that
everything about him would be proportionate to his size, and even though I was alone,
I blushed at the thought.

Only Saturday
stood between our consummating our relationship. Ryan would be working all day
and our rendezvous wouldn’t commence until early Sunday afternoon. That was
fine because it gave me an extra night’s beauty rest to be at my absolute
freshest for him.

 
I agreed to spend another Saturday for a
long overdue visit at my parents’ house, and to help my mother get her garden
ready for the summer. The day was beautiful, a perfect seventy-two degrees and
not a cloud in the sky. After arriving with Luna, I was immediately put to
work. I found my brother and sister-in-law already hard at work pulling weeds.
The afternoon flew by in the garden, and I actually enjoyed myself. It was
peaceful to work with my hands instead of my brain for once.

At five o’clock,
Max, Emily, Kate, and I opened a bottle of wine to unwind. Our hands and
clothes were covered in dirt after our day of digging and sweating. My mother
and father were still in the garden and refused to quit until the very last
ounce of work was complete. Evidently, my work ethic was genetic. Seeing the
finished garden with all of its new flowers in bloom and feeling that we’d
created something beautiful was very satisfying, and quite a departure from
filling out spreadsheets and sending countless emails to people I’d never meet
in the flesh. I was just waiting for someone to ask about my love life when my
sister-in-law spoke up.

“So Elle, do you
have a new man yet?” Kate asked. “You’ve been MIA again, which usually means you’ve
met someone.”

        
“As
a matter of fact I do,” I said, ignoring the second part of her comment.

        
“What?”
Emily gasped. “Who is he?”

        
“A
guy I work with named Ryan.”

        
“Ooh,
what’s he like?” Kate asked. My brother sat next to her silently, so
reminiscent of my father, who preferred not to know the intimate details of our
love lives.

 
“He’s tall and so sweet—so unlike
Jay Conrad.”

“Is Ryan the guy
who manages the downtown restaurant?” Emily asked.

        
“Yes.”
 

        
“He’s
good-looking,” Emily told Kate. I couldn’t recall when Emily and Ryan had met
before, but it was probably one of the nights that she and her boyfriend met
their friends for drinks at the restaurant. She always dropped my name whenever
she was there, and Ryan always took care of the families of East Coast
associates.