What Happens Tomorrow (33 page)

“I’m sorry, Anna, but I need to go.”

“Please, Brooke, don’t leave yet. You just got here. I’m sorry if I’ve upset you tonight, I only thought that you might like to have these.”

I pull my lips into an apologetic smile as I get up out of my chair and grab my coat. “I’m sorry. I have to go. I hope you understand.”

I kiss her on the cheek before I turn and walk out the door.

I’M NOT REALLY sure how I drove here; my brain must have been on autopilot. Somehow I managed to drive from Anna’s to the parking lot of the play park up the road from my parents. I turn the ignition off and reach over to the box on the passenger seat. I remove Matt’s wedding ring first, slowly placing it on my ring finger. My chest aches. Then, I reach for the letter, staring at it in my hand.

What could Matt have possibly written? My thoughts are interrupted by my ringing cell phone, it’s Tyler. He’s probably worried, but I don’t answer the call. I can’t talk to anyone right now. My sole focus is to know what my dead husband has to say to me from his grave. I need to know what’s in the letter.

I send off a quick text to let him know that I’m just finishing up with Anna and that I’ll be on my way home soon. I take the letter out of the envelope, holding the folded white piece of lined paper in my hand, curious to read it’s contents.

Brooke,

First, let me tell you that I love you. I know I don’t tell you, or show you, often enough, and for that I am sorry. I do love you and you deserve to be told every single day.

You need to know that, without a doubt, the day I married you and the day you gave birth to our daughter were two of the happiest days of my life. Never forget that.

You’ll never know how sorry I am for what I have done, and for the choices I’ve made. I hurt our family, but more importantly, I hurt you. You’re right, I am a coward. I’ve wanted to tell you so many times, but I was scared you would leave me. Scared you’d take Katelin and never look back, and I wouldn’t blame you. I deserve it. But I’m too much of a selfish prick to risk that happening, so I’ve kept my mouth shut. All those times you accused me of being with other women, of being unfaithful to you, you were right.

I’ve flirted with a lot of women, messed around with a lot of women and I’m ashamed to admit that I did sleep with a couple of women. Both were women I met through work when I was traveling. I don’t know why it happened, it just did. I don’t expect you to believe me but they meant nothing to me. I know that’s a shitty cop-out cheaters use, but it’s true. It was just sex. You were right to call me out and threaten to leave me. The thought of you leaving was enough to make me get my shit together. There are no excuses for why I did what I did, only that I’m a selfish prick. I will never be able to tell you how sorry I am that I hurt you. You deserve so much better than me. If and when I ever decide to give you this letter, I hope it won’t come as a surprise. If you decide you want to leave me, I have one favor to ask. I know I don’t deserve it, and I know I’m asking for a lot, but I’m begging you, please don’t let Katelin grow up to hate me. Please let our daughter grow up knowing how much her Dad loves her.

I’m not sure how to end this letter other than to say that I love you, Brooke. And I’m sorry. I have loved you since you were a beautiful cheerleader in high school, even though you didn’t know it, and I will continue to love you until the day I die. I hope through your anger you will always remember that.

Matt xo

I think back to
that
fight; the last big fight we’d had before the accident.

Matt came home late after having gone out for drinks with some of the guys from work. I reach out for him when he walks in the front door, only to be shot down. He tells me he needs to take a shower because he is all sweaty, so while he is in the shower I do what any untrusting wife would do, I look through the clothes he was wearing for some form of proof he is cheating. Picking his shirt out of the laundry hamper, I carefully inspected it for some sign that he’s been unfaithful, but nothing. Not a mark on it. But then decide to sniff it, and there it is…the bold smell of perfume. Definitely not mine. I pick his pants out of the hamper and dig through the pocket. Nothing there, but the smell like the same perfume…right along the crotch. Why would the crotch smell li...

And then it hit me. The only way a woman’s perfume would be on the crotch of his pants is if her head were down there. Oh dear god, what was he doing?

Storming into the bathroom with the shirt and pants gripped tightly in my hands, I scream at the top of my lungs.“You fucking liar!” I violently wave his clothes in the air. “Out with the guys my ass, Matt! Who is she?”

The shower door flies open and out steps a very angry and naked Matt. Grabbing a towel from the counter and quickly wrapping it around himself, he reaches toward me and rips his clothing from my grip. “You’re losing your mind, Brooke, do you know that? You might want to talk to someone about your problem…you’re fucking delusional”

Frustrated and fuming mad, I follow him into our bedroom and continue my verbal assault. “Don’t you dare insult my intelligence, Matt! This isn’t the first time you’ve come home with lipstick on your collar or smelling like someone else’s cheap perfume! Is that why you bolted for the shower when you came home? Afraid that I might smell the perfume from the cheap whore who was blowing you tonight? You make me sick! How could you do this to me? To our family?”

I’m sure every neighbor within a five mile radius can hear me, but I don’t care. “If you want out of this marriage Matt, say the word. I won’t keep living like this while you fuck any slut that pays you an ounce of attention. Do I need to get tested? We’ve been having sex while you’ve been fucking around on me. What if you’ve given me something, you bastard?” My anger towards him has now turned to anger toward myself for being so stupid.

“I’m out of here, I can’t do this again with you tonight!” he shouts, clearly infuriated by my accusations. Grabbing his keys off of the dresser, he turns his back to me and starts to walk away.

“And just where the hell are you headed? Back to your whore!” There’s no hiding my animosity.

“I’m serious, you need to talk to someone. Ever since you had Katelin you’re different. Maybe you have some of that postpartum shit or something, I don’t know, but I’m sick and tired of being accused of things I haven’t done.” Turning his back on me, he proceeds to walk out of the room but I’m on his heels chasing after him. Grabbing him by the arm, I try to turn him around to look at me but he won’t.

“Look at me, you coward. Don’t you dare try to turn this on me. What kind of man does that to his wife?”

Shaking me off his arm, he doesn’t answer and he doesn’t turn around. He just keeps walking right out the door.

I don’t know how long I’ve been sitting here in the car trying to process the posthumous confession Matt left for me. This was the last thing I expected when I went to see his mom tonight. I can’t put into words how difficult it was to read the passages he wrote about Katelin. Talking about her like she’s alive and safe with me. God, I’m so angry right now I could punch something…Anything. How could he confess all of this to me in a fucking letter? Selfish! Selfish prick is right. He was more concerned about Katelin finding out what a cheating liar her father was.

“She’s dead too, you prick! It’s just me. Me. All alone dealing with the shit you just threw at me. This is so typical of you, Matt. I’m finally starting to get my life together. I’m happy for once in what seems like an eternity, but even from the grave you just can’t let me be!” I scream at the top of my lungs, pounding my fists against the hard plastic of the steering wheel. Why would he cheat on me if he really loved me? Why wasn’t I enough? All those times I looked a blind eye knowing, deep down in my heart he was probably cheating, yet unwilling to admit it because he loved me. And if he loved me he would never cheat on me. I’m such an idiot!

You would think hearing him confess his infidelities four years after his death wouldn’t be so hard to take but I feel like I just got kicked in the chest with steel-toed boots.

Don’t I deserve to be happy?

My cell phone rings and pulls me from my thoughts, picking it up off the passenger seat I look at the display to see Tyler’s picture across the screen. Damn it! I look at the time on my phone and realize it’s after eleven. I’ve completely lost track of time. Quickly, I answer before my voicemail intercepts.

“I’m so sorry, Tyler. I — I didn’t realize the time…”

“Where are you, Brooke? I’m worried about you, we all are.” His gentle voice is thick with worry, “Anna called to make sure you were okay. She said you left in a hurry, that you were upset because of some things she gave you. She was worried about you. But that was a couple of hours ago. Are you okay?”

His heartfelt concern is all it takes to send me over the edge and before I’m able to stop myself I suck in a ragged breath letting out a deep sob.

“Hey, come on now, you’re scaring me. Where are you, baby? Please tell me so I can come and get you. I don’t want you driving like this.” I take a moment to try to compose myself before I’m able to tell him the name of the park, but my uncontrollable sobbing makes my words hard to understand.

I lie my head back against the cold, hard, leather headrest and close my eyes letting the pain in my heart consume me. I notice headlights coming toward me before the car comes to an abrupt stop. Tyler immediately steps out and seconds later my door is flung open as I’m pulled out of the car and into the safety of his arms.

“It’s okay. I have you, baby. Let it out. I’m right here,” he whispers against my head as his strong hand gently caresses my cheek while I cry into his neck. I hear a car door open and peer through my tears to see my dad standing by his car, anguish taking over his peaceful features. He gently clears his throat and Tyler turns to look at him.

“I…um, I’m gonna head back to the house, son.” He pauses for a moment, his heart clearly aching. I feel terrible knowing just how much it hurt my dad to see me like this. My parents have suffered enough because of my pain. “Take care of my girl, okay?”

I realize it must take everything in his being for my dad to walk away from me. He was always the one I ran to when I was hurt or upset. He was the strong one, the one who always made me feel safe, but his actions and words tell me that he trusts Tyler enough to look after me. Tyler nods his head as I lie my head back down against the man I love. I hear the bang of the car door as it closes and the sound of the engine as my dad drives away. I pull myself away from the comfort of Tyler’s body as he slowly hands me a tissue. He cups my cheek in his hand, tenderly running his thumb across my jawline.

“I’m sorry you’re hurting, baby,” he apologizes, pulling me in close to place a sweet kiss against my forehead. The feel of his familiar lips against my skin helps to ease the pain, but it doesn’t take it away. “Wanna talk about it? Or should I take you home?”

My body tenses as guilt takes over. Guilt as I lie in the comfort of his arms, crying and devastated over a letter I received from my dead husband, having just found out that my entire marriage was one big fat lie. Why should it even matter? I need to talk to him, but I’m not sure what to say.

“Can we just walk for a bit?” I quietly ask.

Tucking me under the safety of his arm, he pulls me in tight. “Of course we can. Whatever you want.”

I’m not ready to go home yet. I know my parents will have questions and I really don’t know what to say other than I kept a secret from them many years ago. That I thought their son-in-law was cheating on me, but I’d put up with it because I’d never had any real confirmation…until today.

We walk out of the parking lot towards the playground which is completely deserted at this time of night. I pull myself away from him and walk towards the swings. There’s something calming about swinging as you close your eyes and let your relaxed body rise and fall against the wind. Not a word is said between us. There is only silence as we just swing together. He brings his swing to a gradual halt as I cautiously eye him. I think this is a sign that he wants to talk.