What Happens Tomorrow (31 page)

Ooops …my bad.

His eyes widen as he looks like he can’t believe I just did that in front of my parents.

“Good morning, you,” I quietly mutter as I softly kiss his lips. “Did you leave me any coffee?”

Playfully tapping my nose he teases, “I think I know what you’re like in the morning without your coffee, so yes, there’s still enough for another cup.” He winks. Sitting down at the table next to my dad, my coffee in hand, he asks about our plans for the day. I explain how we were planning a trip to Pike Place Market and possibly the Space Needle. Tyler’s never been to Seattle and was looking forward to seeing some sites. We’re also going to visit the cemetery to see Matt and Katelin.

Uncomfortable silence.

You could here a pin drop in on my mom’s immaculate hardwood floor.

“Are you sure that’s such a good idea, sweetheart?” my mom cautiously asks.

“Mom, it’s all right. We’ve talked about doing this, and I haven’t been to see them in…a very long time.” I’m embarrassed that I haven’t been to visit the place my daughter was laid to rest in over three years.

“She’s never forgotten, Brooke. Neither of them are. Dad and I go to see them every month, and Anna visits them every week.”

I close my eyes and nod. “How’s Anna doing, Mom? Have you seen her?”

Setting the breakfast out on the table, my mom explains how she hasn’t seen much of Matt’s mom much in the past year. That she’s become somewhat of a recluse.

“Do you want to go and visit her today too? We can.” As the words leave Tyler’s mouth, my parents’ eyes set on him. I’m sure they’re both shocked that he would suggest taking me to see my deceased husband’s mother, but then they’re still getting to know him.

“No, not this trip. This trip is about you, me and my family. I’m finally in a happy place in my life, and I won’t let anyone take that away from me.”

AFTER BREAKFAST, WE head out to the Space Needle. I forgot how terrified of heights I am until we walk out on the observation deck, but once Tyler wraps his arms around me, and we marvel at the incredible view of Seattle, I forget all about my fear. Next I take him to Pike Place Market for a walk around. After buying some flowers and grabbing coffee, we leave the busy market and drive out to the cemetery.

Tension fills the car as we ride in stony silence. My stomach is in knots, filled with nervous butterflies. Knowing how difficult this is for me, Tyler takes my hand in his. Without saying a thing, he gently runs his thumb back and forth across my hand. Tyler pulls the car up to the cemetery gates and I feel weak. The guilt of not visiting this place for so many years fills my body but then again … I didn’t come here much when I lived here, seeing their names on the granite plaques made it all too real. Too final. I wasn’t ready for any of it to be real so I just didn’t come. Out of sight. Out of mind. If I didn’t see it, it wasn’t real. This was my train of thought. Maybe it made me a bad wife and mother or maybe it made me a woman trying to survive something that many others don’t survive. I don’t know.

He parks the car and comes around my side to help me out. Not a word is spoken between us. With white paper coffee cups in hand, we walk toward where my husband and daughter now rest. Billowy clouds have rolled in, covering the beautiful blue sky we had an hour ago. It’s as though the heavens feel my heavy heart and are mimicking it. He takes my coffee free hand and intertwines our fingers as he raises them to his lips, never taking his sorrowful eyes off mine. His kiss is tender against my knuckles as an uneasy look crosses his face.

“You okay?”

I nod as a pang of guilt takes over me. Guilt that a mother could leave her daughter behind and move on with her life. Guilt that I’m here and she’s not.

Encasing me in his arms as I start to cry, he whispers gently, “Shh, Brooke…it’s all right. I’m right here. I will always be right here.”

We reach the eternal homes where Matt and Katelin’s ashes are laid to rest. The grounds are immaculate and the trees that landscape the walkway are perfectly manicured—beautiful and peaceful. There are fresh flowers set beside both of their plots. Someone’s been here recently—Anna. I notice a tiny plastic figurine resembling a teddy bear that Katelin once had. My heart softens at the thought that she’s been looking after my baby while I haven’t.

I sit silently beside their graves for what feels like hours, as Tyler sits on a bench behind me. I silently tell Katelin how sorry I am that it’s taken me so long to get here. How I miss her every second of every day and that I love her. I explain to Matt that I’m doing better and that I pray every day that he and Katelin are together and happy.

Wiping the tears that continually fall from my eyes, I sniffle and look over to Tyler. He’s sitting solemnly, his eyes pink and his eyelashes damp. He’s been crying. I’ve been so busy dealing with my own emotions that I didn’t realize how emotional this day would be for him as well. I watch him as he stares at what remains of my family. Even though my heart is aching for my loss, it is so full of love…for him.

I walk over to the bench and quietly sit down beside him, pressing a simple kiss to his cheek as I wipe another tear away.

“It’s time to go.”

He leans his head to the side to rest it against mine. “You’re sure you’re ready?” he cautiously questions.

“I’m ready. We can come back tomorrow before we leave if that’s okay.”

He closes his eyes for a moments and nods before standing up to offer his hand, helping me up off the bench. I look down at Matt and Katelin and blow them both a kiss, telling them I miss them and will see them tomorrow.

He wraps his arm around me, pulling me in close as he leads me down the pathway. “I love you,” he whispers as I lean my head into his chest and nod.

WHEN WE ARRIVE back at my parents, my dad is seated in his favorite chair watching the news in the living room while my mom is making dinner in the kitchen.. I let go of my grip on Tyler’s body and walk towards the kitchen as he stops to talk to Dad. I need my mom. As I round the hallway into the kitchen, she turns towards me, the smile on her lips fading like the setting sun before it disappears below the horizon. Walking quickly towards me, she pulls me close into her arms.

“Oh, sweetheart. Do you want to talk about it?”

My arms are so tightly wrapped around her you would think I was hanging on for dear life. Maybe I am. I forgot how hard it would be to visit them. My head rests on her shoulder as her hand rubs circles along my back. “I’m okay, Mom. My heart hurts, but I’m okay. It was harder than I remembered it to be, that’s all.”

She pulls me in tighter as she leans down to lovingly kisses my cheek, one hand now cupping the back of my head. “I’m proud of you, Brooke. I know how hard it was for you today, and I’d be lying if I didn’t say that I was a little nervous about your mental state, especially after all you’ve been through these last years. But you really are doing well, aren’t you?”

I lift my head from her shoulder. “I promise I really am, Mom. I’m just a little sad is all.” I’m about to turn and walk back into the living room when I remember I want to ask her something. “Mom, how long has it been since you and Dad have visited?”

“A couple of weeks. Why?”

I have my answer now. “There were beautiful fresh flowers beside their headstones and I just wondered if they were from you and Dad or if they were from Anna.”

My mom looks at me, her lips pulled in tight while her eyes look pained. “I told you, Brooke, she visits them every week. I know you don’t remember much after the accident, but Anna was in a pretty bad state too. Lord knows the woman could be a controlling pain in the ass, but the truth of the matter is that she was a grieving mother just like you, but you had Dad and me. Matt was Anna’s life. She didn’t have a husband, parents or other children to help pick up the pieces. She was left alone. Your Dad and I would check in with her from time to time, but eventually, she pushed us away.”

We’d butted heads all the time. She always thought she was the number one woman in Matt’s life which was the cause of so many fights between us, but now, I can’t help but feel sorry for her. As much as I’m sure that I’ll regret it later, part of me needs to make sure she’s okay.

“Mom, I know you’re making dinner, but would you mind if I ate a little later? I need to go and see Anna, and the only time I have to do it before we leave is now.”

She kisses me on the cheek. “That’s my girl.”

“Everything okay in here?” my dad asks as he and Tyler walk into the kitchen. Tyler looks at me, obviously trying to gauge my state of mind.

“It’s okay, Dad.” My mom releases me from her embrace and I walk to Tyler, wrapping my arms around him. “Are you okay to stay with my parents while I go out for a little while?”

He pushes me back by my shoulders, his brow furrowed with worry above his darkened eyes. “Everything’s all right, I promise. It’s just, I really think I should go to see Anna.” I pause and look deeply into his eyes. “If I don’t go now, I won’t have the time before we fly home tomorrow and I really want to do this.”

He smiles in agreement. “I think that’s a really good idea. You go and do what you need to do. I’ll be here waiting for you when you get back.”

I PULL INTO the familiar driveway of the house Matt grew up in. The lemon coloured paint is worn and could use a major freshening up, and the once white picket fence that wrapped neatly around the yard is now a weather-beaten gray colour—the paint has worn off and all that remains is bare wood.

We may not have seen eye to eye on most things, but I do respect how hard she worked to ensure Matt never wanted for anything. She worked two jobs to pay her mortgage and for Matt’s sports. Looking back at how she used to annoy me by trying to control most aspects of our lives, I now understand that she did it out of love for her son. I never understood that until now. Hesitantly getting out of my parents’ sedan, I take my time walking towards the front door. Maybe this was a mistake. It’s been so long since I’ve seen her. Maybe I should have called first.

Matt and Katelin’s memorial service is held nearly two weeks after the accident. I was still laid up in the hospital when they should have had their funerals, so my parents and Anna took care of the cremations and planned the memorial service for when I was released from the hospital. In a way, I’m thankful I didn’t have to be involved in that decision.