Twin Ties 1: My Brother's Lover (21 page)

Jimmy
ran
to Evan. He burst through the back door without knocking, frantic, wild-eyed, panting, and searching, startling Brennan, whom Jimmy encountered in the kitchen.

“Where is he?!”

“Who?” Brennan asked lamely.

“Evan!” Jimmy shouted.

Brennan recoiled, stricken. From back toward the bedroom they heard, “In here, Jimmy.”

Jimmy darted toward the sound of Evan’s voice. His feet almost slid out from under him on the slick wooden floor. Grabbing the doorframe for purchase, he pushed into Evan’s room only to see him sitting there on the bed—absolutely fine—or at least fine on the surface and not....

Slowly getting poisoned to death, choking on his own vomit, turning grey, his blue eyes open and unblinking, not moving and not breathing, not breathing at all
....

...hurt.

Jimmy put a hand on his heart and tried to catch his breath. He roared viciously, “
You scared the shit out of me
!”

“I’m sorry,” Evan breathed. The apology caught in the middle, his voice lilting as he fought through tears. He pressed his lips shut when they started to curl down at the edges and quiver. Then he just drew his knees up to his chest and buried his face in them.

“
Why would you do something like that to me?!
”

“I’m sorry, Jimmy,” Evan whimpered.

Brennan appeared behind Jimmy, stepping into the room. He’d been lurking in the hall but couldn’t take it anymore; curiosity and concern drew him in.

“Don’t yell at him,” Brennan admonished quietly.

Evan sobbed softly and curled farther in on himself.

The fight all-at-once drained out of Jimmy. He walked to the bed, sitting on the edge beside Evan, and placed a hand gently on his arm. Jimmy took a deep breath, calming down.

“I’m sorry. Forgive me. I thought you had—” he shook his head to clear it. “Never mind. What’s wrong? Evan, tell me what’s wrong.”

Evan shook his head, hiccupping, whining back in his throat.

“Talk to me,” Jimmy urged again.

Brennan hovered in the middle of the room, clearly not knowing what to do but making no move to leave either.

Jimmy pressed, determined, “What happened? Something happened.”

Evan mumbled a reply, glanced up. His eyes fixed on Brennan and Evan moaned, covering his tear-streaked face with a hand.

Knowing he had no right to tell Brennan to leave, Jimmy waited, giving Evan some time.

When Evan started to talk, he talked right to Jimmy and very quietly, not looking at Brennan. He picked at the worn denim of his pants and scratched along the weave of the threads.

“I let him fuck me,” Evan confessed. It was barely audible, but it hit Jimmy like a punch. The former preacher’s hands curled into fists, like this was something he could possibly fight back against.

“Who?” Jimmy demanded. It came out sounding sharp, fierce.

“His name’s Alek,” Evan said, his voice still lilting. “He cares about me.”

Confused, Brennan stared at Jimmy, who was so very angry, nearly boiling now.

“He forced himself on you.”

“No,” Evan frowned, still picking at the seam of his jeans. “I just...
let him
.”

Jimmy groaned, holding his face in his hands, rubbing over the skin. Of course this had happened. Jimmy wasn’t surprised at all, just furious. Evan had always been easily moved or coerced. Charlie had been pushing his son this way and that for years, trying to shift Evan onto a safer path when all along he probably should have been helping Evan to make his own decisions about who he was and what he wanted. If Evan had learned to do that, maybe he wouldn’t have been a pushover with some hardheaded guy looking to take advantage of someone so young and unsure of himself. “God help me, I want to strangle him with my bare hands. Did he know you were a virgin? Did he use a condom? Bet he’s a lot older than you too, right?”

Brennan gasped. The naïveté of Evan’s words were plain and terrible. Though Jimmy had tried to explain to Brennan who Evan truly was, Evan was showing his brother now what was hidden behind his thin, gruff exterior. This was the Evan Jimmy knew. This was the Evan Jimmy had constantly been afraid for. As Brennan sank into a chair, a tear spilled down his cheek. He curled up just like Evan, upset and trembling slightly. Then, they truly did look like twins.

“He knew,” Evan whispered. “I told him. I just wanted it to be over. I wanted to get it over with.” He looked up at Brennan for the first time, and seemed surprised at how upset Brennan was too all of a sudden. That’s what got him to confess, Jimmy suspected—the pain on Brennan’s face.

“You know, I heard you and Luka last night. Together. I know I shouldn’t have listened. But you sounded really happy. I guess I kind of just wanted that, too. So, I told Alek I was ready.”

“Were you ready?”

Evan shrugged, then shook his head no.

Brennan wiped at his eyes.

“When I realized I wasn’t, it was too late. He was already, you know. It was too late.”

Jimmy sighed, trying to be calm, trying very hard to be calm. “How did all of this make you feel?”

Evan bowed his head.

“Sad?”

There was no response, just a growing vacancy behind Evan’s eyes.

“Angry?”

Jimmy set his jaw, pushed on.

“Did it make you want to hurt yourself?”

Evan averted his gaze. After a moment he nodded but it was barely noticeable. Evan appeared to become lost in thought but was yanked right back to reality, blinking and alert, when Brennan made a heartbroken, choked sound in the corner.

“But you didn’t,” Jimmy supplied.

“No,” Evan said. “I didn’t. Because... I don’t know. Once it was over, Alek told me how much he cares about me, and he didn’t kick me out like I expected him to. He just held me. Then I was happy. I was really happy. And it happened again, and the sex was better. It didn’t hurt as much and I was still, you know. Happy.”

Jimmy’s eyes slipped shut and he murmured a prayer to himself, willing the violence in his heart, borne purely of fear for Evan, to drain away.

“Did I do the right thing?” Evan asked. He sounded so young and so lost that it caused a sharp pang in Jimmy’s chest.

He reached out and took Evan’s hand. “What do
you
think?”

“I think I did.”

“Then you did. Do you feel better now? Having talked about it a little?”

Evan nodded, smiling slightly. “Yeah.” He sat up straighter and said urgently, “Look, I’m real sorry for scaring you.”

“That’s okay. I shouldn’t have assumed the worst. Just don’t do it again, please. And don’t you
dare
ever hurt yourself, you hear me?”

“Yeah.”

“Promise me you’ll call your father later. I know it helps when you talk to him. Maybe just tell him you had a tough day.”

“Okay.”

“He worries about you.”

“I know.”

“Well, I was hanging wash on the line and have a pile of wet clothes at home on the ground now so I should get going. If you need anything, you know where I am.”

“Thanks. Really. Thank you,” Evan said softly.

Jimmy smiled, squeezing Evan’s hand once before turning to go. It was good Evan was able to talk about why he was scared and how he felt after making such an important decision for himself. It helped put Jimmy at ease about his young friend’s state of mind. Evan was okay. He was overwhelmed, but okay, and that was the most important thing.

Jimmy hesitated at the door, glancing at Brennan, who was still crying silently in the chair in the corner. It had to be a lot for him, to be faced with his twin’s troubles when he was already dealing with so many life changes of his own. But maybe it would give the brothers something to bond over. That hope was what moved Jimmy to leave them alone. He had a sense that it was better not to intervene more than necessary and let nature take its course.

“Are you okay?”

Brennan sniffed and nodded, not looking up. “Yeah.”

Jimmy nodded, too, and left.

Minutes passed after the back door of the house clicked shut. The air was still. Neither Evan nor Brennan moved or spoke. Evan watched with rapt fascination as Brennan tried to stifle his emotions.

Then Evan told him with stark sincerity, “I lied to you. About a lot. I’m sorry about that. I was just embarrassed. You seemed so confident and sure of yourself and I just wasn’t.”

Brennan stared at a spot of the wall, his face betraying some of the battle for control going on in his heart. He just got sadder and sadder, looking younger and younger.

“Bren?”

Brennan’s mouth closed in a battle to keep his lips from trembling. Evan couldn’t watch him be that upset anymore and do nothing about it. He couldn’t bear it. So he got up off the bed and went over to Brennan, standing in front of his chair. When Brennan still didn’t look at him, didn’t say anything, Evan took his hand and pulled at Brennan’s arm.

“Come on. C’mere. C’mere,” Evan coaxed.

Brennan slowly got to his feet. Then they were just standing there, inches apart. Brennan rubbed his hands over his arms and sucked in a rough breath.

“Bren,” Evan sighed.

“I don’t wanna lose you, too.” It was the last straw; Evan pulled Brennan into a tight hug as Brennan broke apart in his arms.

“You’re not gonna lose me,” Evan hissed.

“I love you,” Brennan told him, burying his face in Evan’s neck and shoulder, his tears dampening the new shirt. “Please don’t leave me alone.”

Evan’s eyes prickled. He breathed in the scent of Brennan’s hair. “I love you, too. You’re not alone, you hear me? You’re not.” He grasped the sides of Brennan’s face and gently kissed his eyelids, brushing the tearstains away. Without opening his eyes, Brennan closed the miniscule distance between them and softly kissed Evan, once, full on the lips. Then he wrapped Evan’s neck in a bruising hold.

Evan’s lips tingled. The ghost of Brennan’s kiss was still there. It was part of him now, that brief, intimate touch, just as Brennan was part of him, too. His life suddenly, miraculously fuller, richer, Evan felt his head spin and his heart begin to feel complete in a way he had never experienced before.

Luka called Brennan once he got home, suggesting that for his and Brennan’s second date, they go to a hockey game instead of staying in again. At first, to Evan’s amusement as he eavesdropped, this made Brennan unhappy. Suspecting that the distraction of a game would help take his brother’s mind off of everything, Evan wasn’t surprised to discover afterward they had a great time. Once it was time to drop Brennan back at home, though, neither Brennan nor Luka was in much of a rush to separate again. When Brennan asked Luka to sleep over for a second night, Luka was easily swayed.

At around ten in the morning, Luka swiftly headed home to tackle some household chores that had piled up after a few days’ neglect. Not wanting to seem clingy, Brennan didn’t protest, though Evan knew Brennan really did want Luka to stay. Evan thought it healthy for them to have some time apart, too.

Evan, for his part, headed out at dawn with Jimmy to prepare and distribute breakfast down at the local homeless shelter. He crept from the house before Brennan and Luka were awake and returned after Luka left.

All was well as Evan began to gather dirty clothes to be washed and tidied his room, until he realized something of his was missing. Possibilities of what could have happened wove through his mind, but only one thing made sense: Brennan did it.

Furious, frustrated, but also confused at what the theft implied about Brennan’s level of concern for him, Evan stomped over to Brennan’s closed bedroom door, ready to really let him have it, only to freeze there, paralyzed by second thoughts.

“I can hear you breathing. The acoustics are insane in this house, but I guess you know that,” Brennan murmured somewhat sullenly from inside the room. “You might as well come in.”

“Are you naked?” Evan asked, pushing the door open anyway, provoking a quirked eyebrow of dull astonishment from Brennan. Stepping into the room, Evan crossed over to the bed on which Brennan was lying and, yet again, only wearing a pair of thin, clingy, white yoga pants.

“Yes. I’m naked,” Brennan replied sarcastically. “Thanks for asking
before
you came in.”

“You’re welcome,” Evan said distractedly, sitting on the bed. He positioned himself in grabbing range of Brennan. “So, I was curious. Why don’t you have a car?”

“Excuse me?”

“A car,” Evan repeated. “You drove all the way out here from Louisiana, to rural, east-bumblefuck Whippoorwill, Pennsylvania without a damn car.”

“I hate cars,” Brennan shrugged.

“You hate cars? What did they ever do to you?” Evan asked in amazement.

“I dunno,” Brennan mumbled. “I’m just not a car guy.”

“That’s completely ridiculous, considering we share genetics and all. So, what? You just planned on bumming rides from hot guys you randomly meet or walking a lot?”

Brennan cracked a tiny smile. “Yeah. Pretty much.”

“Slut.”

“Why am I a slut?” Brennan laughed.

“Have you met yourself?”

Brennan narrowed his eyes. Evan fell quiet, pausing.