Tipping the Velvet (26 page)

than before. All that spoilt the illusion of my being a boy but hardly one that I could copy, since it would blue my was the foolish, tapered jacket - but its seams had not been project, rather, to be seen emerging from a ladies' lavatory cut, I saw, only tucked and sewn. There was a knife on the in a suit of serge and velvet and a boater.

mantel that I used to slice my bread; I seized it, and applied It was indeed amidst the gay life of the West End, however, it to the stitches. Soon the jacket was its old, masculine self that I at last found the answer to the problem. I had begun again. With my hair trimmed, I thought, and a pair of to walk, each day, as far as Soho; and I had noticed there proper boy's shoes upon my feet, anyone - even Kitty the tremendous number of houses bearing signs that herself! - might meet me on the streets of London, and advertised Beds Let By The Hour. In my naivety I never know me for a girl, at all.

wondered at first, who would want to sleep there, for an There were one or two obstacles to be overcome, of course, hour? Then, of course, I realised that no one would: the before I could begin to put my daring plan into practice.

rooms were for the girls to bring their customers to; to lie Firstly, I must properly reacquaint myself with the city: it abed in, certainly — but not to sleep. I stood one day at a took another week of wandering every day about the streets coffee-stall in the mouth of an alley off Berwick Street, and 217

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watched the entrance to one of these houses. There was, I dark heart, all the time, beating fast as a clock. As I had saw, a constant flow of men and women over its threshold, expected, the old bawd on the step barely raised her eyes as and no one paid the slightest heed to any of them save the I went past her; and so, a little hesitantly, I began the walk leering old woman who sat in a chair at the door, taking down Berwick Street. With every glance that came my way, their coins — and her alertness lasted only until she had I flinched; at any moment I expected the cry to be let up: 'A palmed her pennies and handed her customers their key. I girl! There is a girl, here, in boy's clothing!' But the glances believe a pantomime horse could have sashayed over that did not settle on me: they only slithered past me, to the girls step with a harlot's hand upon its bridle and — so long as behind. There was no cry; and I began to walk a little the horse had its coin at the ready - no one would have straighter. At St Luke's Church, on the corner, a man stopped their business to turn and look . . .

brushed by me with a barrow, calling, 'All right, squire!"

A few days later, therefore, I put my costume in a bag, Then a woman with a frizzed fringe put her hand upon my presented myself at the house, and asked for a room. The arm, and tilted her head and said: 'Well now, pretty boy, old woman looked me over and grinned, quite mirthlessly; you look like a lively one. Fancy payin' a visit, to a nice then, when I gave her my shilling, she thrust a key at me, little place I know . . . ?'

and nodded me into the darkened passageway behind her.

The success of that first performance made me bold. I The key was sticky; the handle of my chamber was sticky; returned to Soho for another turn, and walked further; and indeed, the house was entirely horrible - damp and stinking, then I went again, and then again ... I became quite a and with walls as thin as paper, so that, unpacking my bag regular at the Berwick Street knocking-shop - the madam and straightening my costume, I heard all the business from kept a room there for me, three days a week. She early on the rooms above, below, and on either side of it - all the found out the purpose of my visits, of course - though, from grunts and slaps and giggles, and pounding mattresses.

a certain narrowing of her gaze when she dealt with me, I I changed very quickly, growing all the time, with every think she was never quite sure if I were a girl come to her grunt and titter, less certain and less brave. But when I house to pull on a pair of trousers, or a boy arrived to gazed at myself - there was'a looking-glass, with a crack change out of his frock. Sometimes, I was not sure myself.

across it, and blood in the crack - when I gazed at myself at For on every visit I found some new trick to better my last, I smiled, and knew my plan was a good one. I had impersonation. I called at a barber's shop, and had my old borrowed a flat-iron from my landlady's kitchen, and effeminate locks quite clipped away. I bought shoes and pressed the suit free of all its creases; I had given my hair a socks, singlets and drawers and combinations. I trim with a pair of sewing-shears - now I smoothed it flat experimented with bandages in an effort to get the subtle with spittle. I left my dress and purse upon a chair, went out curves of my bosom more subtle still; and at my groin I upon the landing, and locked the door behind me - my new 219

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wore a handkerchief or a glove, neatly folded, to simulate about her freckled shoulders, and she would turn her guilty the bulges of a modest little cock.

eyes from me, to him.

I could not say that I was happy - you must not think that I I did not wake weeping from such dreams now, however; I was ever happy, now. I had spent too many miserable would only let them prick me back to Berwick Street. They weeks at Mrs Best's to be anything other than wretched in seemed, I thought, to lend a brilliance to my disguise.

my room there: I was bleached of hope and colour, like the How very fine it was, however, I did not realise until one wallpaper. But London, for all my weeping, could never night, in August, at the hot end of the summer, as I idled in wash dim; and to walk freely about it at last - to walk as a the Burlington Arcade.

boy, as a handsome boy in a well-sewn suit, whom the It was about nine o'clock. I had been walking, but now people stared after only to envy, never to mock - well, it stood before the window of a tobacconist's shop, and was had a brittle kind of glamour to it, that was all I knew, just gazing at the goods on show - at the cases and cigar-then, of satisfaction.

trimmers, the silver toothpicks and the tortoiseshell combs.

'Let Kitty see me now,' I would think. 'She would not have The month had been a warm one. I was wearing not the me when I was a girl - so let her only see me now!' And I blue serge suit, but the costume I had worn to sing the song remembered a book that Mother had had once from the called 'Scarlet Fever' - a guardsman's uniform, with a neat library, in which a woman, cast out, returned to her home to little cap. I had unfastened the button at my throat, to let the care for her children in the guise of a nurse. If only I could air in.

meet Kitty once again, I thought, and woo her as a man -

As I stood there I became aware at last of the presence of a and then reveal myself, to break her heart, as she had fellow at my side. He had joined me at the window, and broken mine!

seemed slowly to have inched his way towards me; now he But though I thought it, I made no attempt to contact her; was really very close indeed — so close that I could feel the and the possibility of accidentally meeting her - of seeing warmth of his arm against my own, and smell the soap on her with Walter - still made me shake. Even when June him. I didn't turn to examine his face; I could see that his came, and then July, and she must surely have returned shoes, however, were highly polished and rather fine.

from her gay honeymoon, I never saw her name on any After a minute or two of silence, he spoke: 'A pleasant poster outside any hall or theatre; and I never bought a evening.'

theatrical paper, to look for it there - so never learned how Still I didn't look round, only agreed - all guilelessly - that it she fared, as Walter's wife. The only glimpses I ever had of was. There was another silence.

her were in my dreams. In those she was still sweet and

'You are admiring the display, perhaps?' he went on then. I lovely, still calling my name and offering me her mouth to nodded - now I did turn to glance at him - and he looked kiss; but still, at the last, there would come Walter's arm pleased. Then we are kindred spirits, I can tell!' He had the 221

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voice of a gentleman, but kept his tone rather low. 'Now, disturbed. He had continued to murmur, and made all his I'm not a smoker; and yet I find myself quite unable to lewd proposals in the same swift undertone, his moustaches resist the lure of a really good tobacconist's. The cigars, the hardly lifting to let the words out. Any stranger looking on, brushes, the nail-clippers . . .' He gestured with his hand.

I thought, would think us two quite unconnected fellows,

'There is something so very masculine about a tobacconist's lost in our own worlds.

shop - don't you think?' His voice, at the last, had dipped to The thought made me smile. In the same humouring tone as little more than a murmur. Now he said in the same tone but before, I said: 'How much, then, will you give me for it?'

very fast: 'Are you up for it, Private?'

At that, his face took on a cynical expression, as if he had His words made me blink. 'Pardon?'

expected no better of me; but behind the hardness, too, I He looked about him with an eye that was quick, practised, caught a flash of heat - as if he wouldn't really have wanted smooth as a well-oiled castor; then he glanced back to me.

me any other way. He said, 'A sovereign, for a suck or for a

'Are you up for a lark? Have you a room we might go to?'

Robert' - he meant, of course, a Robert Browning. 'Half a

'I don't know what you mean,' I said - although, to be frank, guinea for a dubbing.'

I felt the stirrings of an idea.

I made to shake my head - to tilt my cap to him and move He, at least, must have thought that I was teasing. He away, with the joke quite finished. But in his impatience he smiled, and licked at his moustaches. 'Don't you, now. And half-turned, and I caught a gleam of something at his I thought all you guardsmen fellows knew the game all middle. It was a fat, gold watch-chain. The waistcoat it right 'Not me,' I said primly. 'I only joined up last week.' He swung from was striped and rather flash. And when I smiled again. 'A raw recruit! And you've never done it with looked again at the man's face - there was light upon it, another lad, I suppose? A handsome fellow like you?' I now, from the lamp at the window - I saw that his whiskers shook my head. 'Well' - he swallowed - 'won't you do it and his hair were gingerish and thick. His eyes were brown, now, with me?'

his cheeks rather hollow; but for all that, he looked quite

'Do what?' I said. Again there was that swift, well-unmistakably like Walter. Like Walter, whom Kitty lay lubricated glance.

with and kissed.

'Put your pretty arse-hole at my service - or your pretty lips, The idea had a peculiar effect on me. I spoke - but it was as perhaps. Or simply your pretty white hand, through the slit if someone else were doing the speaking, not me. I said: in my breeches. Whatever, soldier, you prefer; only cease

'All right. I'll do it. I'll - touch you; for a sov.'

your teasing, I beg you. I'm as hard as a broom-handle, and He grew business-like. When I stepped away I felt him aching for a spend.'

linger a moment at the window, then follow. I went not to Through all this astonishing exchange our outward show of my old knocking-shop - I had only the most confused sense gazing into the tobacconist's window had barely been of what I was about, but knew I oughtn't to get stuck in a 223

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room with him, and risk having him opt for the Robert after I could not answer him - the fact was, I felt almost ready to all - but to a little court nearby, where there was a nook, weep. He handed me my sovereign; then, after a moment's above a grating, which the gay girls used as a lavatory. As I hesitation, he stepped to me and kissed my cheek. The approached it, indeed, a woman emerged, pressing her gesture made me flinch; and when he felt the shudder, he skirts between her legs to dry herself: she gave me a wink.

misunderstood, and looked wistful.

When she had gone, I stood waiting; and a moment later the

'No,' he said, 'you don't like that, you soldier-boys, do you?'

man appeared. He had a newspaper shielding the fork of his His tone was strange; when I studied him, I saw that his trousers, and when he took the paper away I saw a bulge eyes were gleaming.

there the size of a bottle. I had a moment of panic; but then His excitement had stirred me to strangeness, before; his he came and stood before me, and looked expectant. When emotion, now, made me terribly thoughtful. When he I began to pull at his buttons, he closed his eyes.

turned and left the court, I remained there, trembling - not I got his cock out, and studied it: I had never seen one with sadness, but with a creeping kind of relish. The man before, so close, and - no disrespect to the gent concerned -

had looked like Walter; I had pleasured him, in some queer it seemed quite monstrous. But there are always jokes about way, for Kitty's sake; and the act had made me sicken. But such things in the music hall: I had a pretty good idea of he was not like Walter, who might take his pleasure where how they worked. Seizing hold of it, I began - very he chose it. His pleasure had turned, at the last, to a kind of inexpertly, I am sure, though he didn't seem to mind - to grief; and his love was a love so fierce and so secret it must pump it.

be satisfied, with a stranger, in a reeking court like this. I

'How thick and long it is,' I said then -I had heard that it knew about that kind of love. I knew how it was to bare was every man's ambition to be spoken to thus, at such your palpitating heart, and be fearful as you did so that the moments. The fellow gave a sigh, and opened his eyes.

beats should come too loudly, and betray you.

'Oh, I do wish you would kiss me there,' he whispered.

I had kept my heart-beats smothered; and had been

'Your mouth is such a perfect one - quite like a girl's.'

betrayed, anyway.

I slowed my rhythm, and took another look at his straining And now I had betrayed another, like myself.

cock; and again, when I knelt, it was as if it were someone I put away the gentleman's sovereign, and walked to else who was kneeling, not myself. I thought, This is how Leicester Square.