Thoughtless (42 page)

“Can’t we have just some of our friendship back? Can’t we talk?” I made a move towards him, until we were only a step apart. “Can’t we ever touch?”

He immediately took two steps back and swallowed, shaking his head.

“No, Kiera. You were right. We can’t go back to that. It was stupid to even try.”

I felt tears stinging. I missed how it used to be, so much. “But, I want to. I want to touch you, just hold you…no more.” I was in withdrawals from my addiction. I wanted his warm arms to slip around me. I wanted to put my head on his shoulder. It was all I wanted.

His tired eyes closed and he took a deep breath before opening them.

“You shouldn’t. You should only hold Denny. He’s a good guy for you…I’m not.”

329

“You’re a good guy too.” I couldn’t stop the thought of him sobbing in my arms. I’d never seen someone more remorseful.

“I’m really not,” he whispered, as he walked out of the room.

Kellan’s words echoed through my head as I sat with Denny while he got ready for work. He cheerily gave me a kiss as he slipped on his shirt.

I wanted to cringe away from him, and then felt guilty for feeling that. It wasn’t Denny’s fault that I was miserable. Aside from how much time he had to commit to his job, which I constantly reminded myself was not his fault either, Denny hadn’t done anything wrong since he’d come back to me. He was warm, sweet, funny, charming, and constantly trying to make me happy. His moods were near constant, his love and loyalty never wavering. I was always sure of how he felt about me…unlike Kellan. So why did I feel such loss for losing Kellan? And can you lose something that was never yours to begin with? I debated that as Denny sat beside me and kissed me softly.

“Hey, I was thinking…”

I startled as I realized Denny was speaking to me. “What?” I asked, forcing my mind back to the present.

He half-grinned. “You’re not quite awake yet are you?” He shook his head lightly as he slipped his shoes on. “It can wait, why don’t you go back to sleep.” He looked over and smiled warmly. “You don’t have to get up with me every morning, you know. I know you come in late.” He leaned over and kissed me softly again. “You need your sleep too.” I cringed, knowing that Denny wasn’t really the reason I woke up early every morning. Wanting to fight off painful thoughts, that I shouldn’t be having in the first place, I made Denny continue on his original train of thought. “No, go ahead, I’m awake…what were you thinking?”

He tied his shoes and then sat on the bed with his elbows on his knees.

He looked over at me a little sheepishly and ran a hand along his jaw. Insanely curious over what was making him so uncomfortable, and a little worried about what he knew that would make him look that way, I hesitantly asked, “What is it?”

330

Not noticing the reluctance in my question, he shyly said, “Have you thought about your winter break next month?” I instantly relaxed. “No, not really. I guess I figured we’d go home Christmas Eve and stay for the weekend.” I looked over at him concerned. “Can you not get the time off?”

He grinned widely at me. “I actually demanded the whole week off.” I eyed him warily. Denny wasn’t the demanding type. “You demanded?” I cocked an eyebrow at him.

He laughed at my expression. “Okay…apparently the office shuts down that week. Nobody works it…not even Max.” He grinned sheepishly again. “So I’m truly free for a week…and…” he looked down and laced his fingers together, “I’d like to take you home.” I blinked, confused. Isn’t that what I just said? “Okay, I kind of figured…”

He looked over at me, his face serious. “My home, Kiera…Australia.

I’d like you to meet my parents.”

I looked down, surprised. “Oh.” I had always wanted to meet them, even though that thought terrified me. But so much had changed since then. They would know. Somehow, the parental sixth sense would kick in, and with just a glance, they would declare me a harlot and denounce me in front of him. I just knew it. I couldn’t go. He wouldn’t understand that though.

“But Christmas, Denny? I’ve never missed one with my family.” I sighed brokenly, from my previous thought and the thought of the holidays away from my loved ones. “Couldn’t we go another time?” He sighed and I looked back to where he was studying his hands. “I don’t know when that will be, Kiera. Who knows when I’ll be free from Max again?” He sighed a second time, and ran a hand through his hair before turning his head to look at me. “Will you just think about it?”
331

I could only nod. Great, one more thing for me to think about. As if my mind wasn’t full enough. Denny looked at me thoughtfully, then stood and finished getting ready. I was still sitting on the bed, thinking, when he kissed me goodbye.

A big chunk of me was worried about what his parents would think of me, but watching Kellan at work that night brought a different heartbreak closer to the surface. I would miss him…horrifically. Watching him sit at his table with his friends, watching me, I thought maybe I should just talk to him about it. But I didn’t. I knew what his answer would be anyway – go with Denny, the time apart will be good for us, you should be with him, he’s the guy for you, etc. etc. etc. Most of it was what my head was already telling me, but my heart? We could possibly stretch Denny’s time off to almost two weeks with the weekends, and two weeks away from Kellan’s piercing blue eyes…well, just the thought made my addictive withdrawals go into hyper drive.

A couple of days after Denny’s proposition, I awoke from a deep sleep, feeling confused. I felt odd, and I didn’t know why. I must have been dreaming again. I had dreamt about the last painful kiss I had shared with Kellan all this week. Our amazingly tender kiss, I had never wanted it to end. But then afterwards, there was the sadness in his eyes, that final devastating tear on his cheek as he left the room, and his ominous last words. I sighed softly, conflicted.

Light fingers trailed down my hair, my back. I cringed a bit. I always felt so guilty when Denny touched me while I was thinking about Kellan, and lately, I was usually thinking about Kellan. I was still turning over the thought of leaving with Denny or not. Even if we didn’t end up going to Australia, we’d still go home to my parents’ place, and Anna would be there. It was an almost lose-lose situation for me. I’m either going to another Country, to face people who will surely see straight to the heart of my deception towards their son, or I’m going to face Anna, who won’t be able to contain the horrid affair she’d with Kellan for an entire week. That brought me full circle to the fact that, either way, I was going to have to leave Kellan for a time. And, god was I going to miss him, even if we had ended things…

“Mornin’.” A familiar non-accented voice pierced my heart.

332

Instantly snapping out of my thoughts, I spun around to come face to face with a very sexy, very satisfied looking Kellan, staring right back at me. I instantly became more aware of my surroundings. I glanced down to the strange sheet barely covering my naked chest, barely above Kellan’s naked waist. I glanced around the room…his room. My heart raced as I watched the late-morning light filter through the window.

“Oh god…” I whispered, as he casually brought a hand to my cheek and pulled me in for a kiss.

He laughed, deep in his throat. “No…just me,” he teased, kissing me softly.

I pushed him back, all too aware of his naked chest under my fingertips, the rest of his bare body just inches from mine. “What happened? I don’t remember. Why are we…? Did we…?” Great, now I wasn’t forming complete thoughts.

He pulled farther back, looking confused. “Are you okay?” He grinned mischievously. “I know this morning was pretty intense, but did I break you or something?” He winked at me and went in for another kiss.

Panic swept through me. “Oh god, we did. Kellan, we ended this. We aren’t… We can’t…”

“Kiera, you’re starting to freak me out.” His brow scrunched together in concern.

“Just tell me what’s going on!” My voice was a little too high, and loud. I quieted it with great effort. “Where’s Denny?”

“He’s at work, Kiera. We always do this when he’s at work.” He sat up on his elbow and looked at me, frowning. “You really don’t remember this?”

“No…” I whispered. “What do you mean…always?” He leaned over me, lightly stroking my cheek with his finger. “Kiera, Denny leaves for work, we come in here, we have…” he bit his lip and
333

smiled seductively, “…hot…sweaty…sex…before you have to leave for school.” He ran his fingers back through my hair. “Sometimes, like today, you skip school, and stay in bed with me for most of the day.” He kissed me gently, tenderly. “We’ve been doing this for weeks. How can you forget something like that?”

I stared at him, shocked. “But…but, no. After the fight in the car, we ended things. You ended things. You promised…” He smiled wryly. “I also said I wasn’t good at staying away from you.

We’re meant to be, Kiera. We need each other. Staying away was, impossible. It’s been so much better since we gave in.” He kissed me again, slowly, even more tenderly. “I’ll show you…” Confusion overwhelmed me, froze me. I had no memory of anything intimate, other than our last painful embrace in the kitchen. Wouldn’t I remember sleeping with him every day? Was he drugging me or something? I could no longer ponder it, as he was kissing me so lovingly and cupping my cheek in his hand. I relaxed into it. I returned his kiss fully, eagerly. I did miss this. He leaned over me, forcing me to my back and slid his hand down my neck, my chest, my waist. My breath quickened, my heart raced.

He smiled and kissed my cheek, my jaw, my neck. “See…you do remember…”

I closed my eyes, trying to have some recollection of how I got here.

He moved on top of me, his knee sliding between mine. He brought his lips back to my mouth and his kiss intensified. I gasped at the sensations running through my body. I didn’t know how to stop this. I didn’t know if I should. I considered caving, and giving in to something I was apparently frequently giving in to anyway, when suddenly, the door burst open.

Denny stood there, watching us in horror, his eyes enraged. “Kiera?” I sat up quickly and pushed a very calm looking Kellan off of me.

“Denny…wait, I can explain.” I had no idea how to explain any of this.

334

He strode over to the bed, eyes wild with fury. “Explain?” He leaned over me. “There is no need for you to explain that you’re a whore! I can clearly see that for myself!”

I started to sob. Kellan slowly sat up on the bed, looking at me amused.

Denny grabbed my arm and shook it. “Kiera?” His voice was gentle and tender, but his eyes were still enraged. He did it again and I gaped at him in confusion, his soft voice, in no way matched his enraged face.

“Kiera?”

I woke up with a start. It was night. I was in my pajamas. I was in my room…and Denny was calmly lying beside me in bed, lightly shaking my arm. “You’re having a nightmare, it’s all right.” His accent was warm and comforting.

I blinked back tears. Oh thank god…just a dream. Suddenly, I blinked back tears of sadness. Just a dream…

“You want to talk about it?” he asked sleepily.

I shook my head. “I don’t… I don’t remember.” I looked over at him cautiously. “Did I say anything?”

He shook his head. “No…you were just whimpering, shaking. You looked scared.”

Relief washed through me. “Oh.” I sat up on the bed, and he started to rise with me. “No, go back to bed. I’m just going to get some water.” He nodded and slumped back down, closing his eyes. I leaned over and kissed his forehead, making him smile, and then I stood and made my way quietly out the door. That had been one hell of an intense dream. I couldn’t even look at Kellan’s door as I walked past it. What had brought that on? I wasn’t sure, that worried me…

I quietly walked into the kitchen, still thinking about the dream, and stopped dead in my tracks in the doorway. Kellan was in there and surprisingly, not alone. He was pushing a tall, leggy brunette up against the
335

fridge. One bare, feminine leg was wrapped around one of his and Kellan’s hand was sliding up her short skirt. They were voraciously kissing, the woman completely lost in her thrill of being with him. He was more aware; he glanced over at me as I entered the room.

Shock passed his face for a second, as the woman turned her attentions to his neck, his jaw, his ear. Her hand stroked down his chest coming to rest on his jeans. Her hand slid firmly down and back up the front of his jeans and she moaned, rather loudly. My stomach rose and I wanted to leave the room, but I couldn’t stop staring at them.

Composing himself, he turned to the woman. She tried to kiss him, but he deftly pulled away from her. “Sweetheart…” he cooed at her, and she gazed at him adoringly, biting her lip. “Could you wait upstairs for me?

I need to speak with my roommate.”

She never once even looked at me. She never took her eyes off of him, only nodded and gasped as he leaned in to kiss her deeply again. She looked about ready to lose herself in him again, but he pulled away from her and led her firmly to the entryway. “The one on the right. I’ll be up in a second,” he cooed again and she giggled, practically fleeing the room to get to his bed.

I felt like throwing up. I considered bending over the sink and just letting it happen right there. Kellan paused for a moment at the entryway, his back to me. “Do you think Denny would be intrigued or upset, if she opens the wrong door?” he said over his shoulder casually.

I gaped at him, speechless. He finally turned to look at me, an odd look in his eyes for half a second, before calmness settled in his features.

He took a few steps towards me. I felt like backing away, but I held my ground. “You said before, that you wanted to know when I was…seeing someone. Well…I guess I’m seeing someone.”

I still couldn’t find any words in me, so he continued. “I’m going to date. I told you, I wouldn’t keep it a secret from you, so…” He paused for a deep breath. “I’m going upstairs now, and-”
336

I made a face that could only have looked like horror and disgust, and he immediately stopped explaining just what he was going to do. I had pretty much figured that out anyway.