This is a Book for Parents of Gay Kids: A Question & Answer Guide to Everyday Life (5 page)

Q:
My child wants to come out at school, but I am concerned for their safety.

A:
We’ve been through a lot as a society to get to where we are today, but alongside the progress, many people are still made to feel inadequate based on a variety of qualities—sexuality among them. You have likely seen stories on television or in magazines that highlight some of the ways students bully each other, both in school and on the Internet, and you may be afraid that your child’s identity will make them a target for bullying. That fear doesn’t make you overbearing or silly or dramatic—it makes you a sweet, caring, excellent parent. The most important thing you can do with those fears is face them, examine them, and talk about them openly. This shouldn’t be a you-against-your-child scenario; this should be an experience that you have
with
your child, in which you talk about your concerns and questions together.

The hardest fact to face may be that this is ultimately your child’s decision. Even if you were to have brilliant, sound reasons for them to keep this a secret, there is simply no way to control what your child communicates to their friends or to the school community at large. You do, however, have every right to talk to them about your feelings or suggest that they look at all angles of the situation before they go forward with their choice. A great way to open this conversation is to say, “I’m concerned about you coming out at school and would really like to talk about a few things, but I know this is ultimately your decision to make, and I support you and stand behind you, always.” This lets them know that you respect their ability to decide things on their own. That respect allows them to hear what you are saying much more clearly than if they thought you were trying to tell them what they should or shouldn’t do. Asking questions is often much more powerful than making rules. The discussion you have will help them consider factors that may not
have occurred to them, and it will also help you have a better understanding of the climate at their school.

Some questions you could ask include:

• How do you think the other kids at school will react?
  
• Do you have any friends who already know? What do they think?
  
• Are there any clubs or anything at your school like a Gay-Straight Alliance, where you can talk to others about your experience?
  

It may also help to talk to your child about their reasons for coming out at school. They might feel pressure in having to lie about their interests on a daily basis. Perhaps they have found a group of allies within their school and so they are now ready to take this step with the support that surrounds them. It may be that they want to change minds and be at the forefront of the activist community in your town. Those are all very valid and very different places to be coming from, and that information will help you to better understand the larger picture.

While asking questions can help you to better understand the surrounding circumstances and climate, you can also take an active role to help create a safer environment for your child and many others. Countless organizations exist explicitly to uproot bullying in schools. Several are listed in the Resources on
page 222
, and can provide further tools to help create a dialogue around these
issues. There are films that can be shown in schools, curriculum that can be implemented, and meetings that can be organized to look at the specific issues facing the students in your community. Talk to your child about these resources, and ask if they would like you to become involved at their school. They may be thrilled that you have taken this interest, knowing that your voice will help them get administration and teachers to listen to their concerns. However, they may not be ready for you to be personally involved in a very active way. Hear them out and work to come up with a plan in which you both feel involved
and
comfortable.

Q:
I think my very young child might be gay. What should I do?

A:
Many parents of gay children say they “always knew.” When asked how, some parents indicate that their child’s choice in toys or dress was what informed them, others say they noticed a telling way that their child behaved around certain individuals, and many say that it was simply an inexplicable gut feeling.

First off, it’s important to note that coming to conclusions based on behavior or interests can be complicated. A full discussion of gender and its relationship to sexuality is far too complex a knot to untie in just a few paragraphs (though we’ll get into it more in
chapter 7
), but it is an important topic to look at briefly within this context. Is it true that little boys who like to play with dolls
wind up having a preference for men later in life? Sure, sometimes. However, plenty of men who loved playing with dolls are attracted to women. There are some women who hated dresses, loved playing in the dirt, and are attracted to men. The combinations of outward gender expression and sexual attraction are endless. As you watch your child develop, keep in mind that an interest in certain toys or certain clothing does not necessarily reveal something about their orientation.

That said, for one reason or another, you may still suspect that your child is gay. Remember that there are (at least) two people involved in navigating this question: you and your child. Accordingly, there are certain things that you may want to do for yourself, and things that you will want to do for your child.

The best step you can take for yourself is to talk to others about your thoughts and questions. As with so many other things in the land of parenthood, discussing your experiences with people you trust and love will always help you better understand your feelings and make your path forward much clearer. No matter your child’s sexuality, learning more about LGBTQ issues will better prepare you for answering future questions that they may have. Seek out resources within parent groups or LGBTQ groups such as Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG), a U.S. nonprofit that acts as an ally advocacy organization as well as a support network for families and friends of LGBTQ people. See the Resources on
page 222
for more information on support groups
and literature. If in ten years your child is totally straight and you were completely wrong, the worst thing that you’ve done is familiarize yourself with a community different from your own. That is wonderful!

Where your child is concerned, the name of the game is support, inclusivity, and open dialogue. As we discussed earlier in this chapter, asking any child if they are gay—whether they are five or fifteen—can be very alienating. For a young child who may not completely understand what the word
gay
means, asking such a direct question can also be incredibly confusing. So, rather than confronting your child, show them support by making sure they know that, whoever they are, they will be loved unconditionally.

Here are a few simple steps you can take:

• Talk about the many different types of families in the world. You may have a home with a mom and a dad, but it is important to always let children know that there are homes that have just one mom, some that have two dads, and some that have a grandparent or a foster parent. See the Resources for a list of children’s books that do a great job at illustrating these concepts.
  
• Explain things simply. Many people think that young children can’t or shouldn’t be told about being gay because they won’t understand or because they shouldn’t be learning about sex. Your children know that boys love girls at this age, so it is completely reasonable that they know (and can understand)
  that boys sometimes love boys, and girls sometimes love girls as well. They will probably receive this information exactly as they received the rest of the information out there, with a shrug and a few questions. Your telling them that sometimes boys love other boys does not have to include an advanced talk about sex of any kind.
  
• Allow them to dress and play how they choose. Children should never be told that certain games or toys are “only for boys” or “just for girls.” This creates rigid structures of gender to which hardly any of us can conform, regardless of our sexuality, and it can lead to them feeling like the things they enjoy are inherently wrong or bad.
  
• Be honest about the actions of others. When you allow your child to dress and play how they choose, there is a chance that their peers will make fun of them for being different. If this happens, explain to your child that some people don’t like when others are different from them, but that you will support them, always. Let them talk to you about the things they are feeling, and navigate those experiences together as a team.