This is a Book for Parents of Gay Kids: A Question & Answer Guide to Everyday Life (10 page)
Read This is a Book for Parents of Gay Kids: A Question & Answer Guide to Everyday Life Online
Authors: Dannielle Owens-Reid,Kristin Russo
Telling your parents, or your spouse’s parents, can often be a complicated issue to navigate. If the grandparents are in good health, then the decision to tell them will hinge on the same (or similar) factors that exist for the rest of the family. Telling extended family is different for everyone. It may happen all at once, or it may happen gradually over time. You may feel that speaking to your parents is the very first conversation you want to have, or you may be hesitant for a variety of reasons.
Michele, whose daughter Zoe came out to her as a lesbian when she was eighteen, had an extremely hard time when it came to telling her parents. She felt as though, in some way, her daughter being gay would make her own mother and father think less of her as a parent. She thought they might view Zoe’s sexuality as a consequence of not being nurtured enough by Michele. “It took me a while to move past that, because I felt that I was a disappointment to them,” she said. When Michele asked her parents what their thoughts were on Zoe’s sexuality, they confessed that they hadn’t known how to respond because
Michele had been crying when she delivered the news. Michele’s parents had just wanted to be supportive of
their
daughter, and in doing so, hadn’t had the chance in that first exchange to express their support of their granddaughter.
Many families also struggle with telling grandparents because of age or health conditions. They don’t want to withhold information, but at the same time, they know that it might cause unnecessary stress, or be very confusing in the context of an aging person’s experience. If not telling them is making you or your kid feel like you’re constantly hiding something, then telling them is likely the right move. If you both feel you can share most other things about your lives, but that telling them will unnecessarily add to their stress or existing health issues, then the better decision may be to keep that information to yourselves. You and your child know your family better than anyone else, and so you will have to use that knowledge to help make the final decision. Weigh all the factors, and try to choose whichever option will bring you and your child the most peace of mind. There are no “wrong” answers here.
When it comes to speaking with coworkers, or anyone else you see on a fairly regular (but not necessarily personal) basis, each decision you make will be different. You may find that each time you pass your boss’s desk, you are being asked, “So, how is your son? Does he have a girlfriend?” Questions such as this one might make you uneasy and cause you to mumble a quick noncommittal answer under your
breath, or may act as a wonderful impetus for you to say, “No, actually, my son doesn’t date girls, but as soon as he has a boyfriend, I will let you know!” That interaction closely mirrors many moments that your child has on a daily basis with others—and can give you insight into how complicated those coming-out moments can be.
If you feel comfortable talking openly about your kid’s sexuality, then you should answer those kinds of questions honestly. Generally speaking, it is easiest to come out as a parent of a gay child when the conversation meanders to that topic on its own, rather than just standing up at your desk and shouting, “I have a gay kid!” It may be, though, that being completely open at your place of employment is not realistic for you, or not what you would prefer. You may be concerned about the repercussions of making your child’s sexuality common knowledge. You may just prefer to keep your personal life to yourself at your workplace. Just like all else, this is ultimately a decision for you and your kid to navigate together. If you are hesitant about telling your coworkers, make sure that you explain this clearly to your child. Ensure that they know you are not keeping this a secret because you are ashamed of them in any way, but because you are concerned that the response of others might make for a negative work environment in general, or that you don’t like discussing
any
personal things in the workplace.
There are many people in your community whom you know in a peripheral sense. You may see your mailman a few times a week, exchange
pleasantries with the local dry cleaner, or have an occasional conversation with the person who works at the corner market. There is no reason why you should feel obligated to tell anyone about your child’s sexuality—especially those with whom you have a more surface relationship. At the same time, if you find that a conversation prompts a response indicating that your child is gay, you might decide to answer honestly. You will find that these exchanges, and your decision on how to handle them, will vary. Sometimes being straightforward will come easily, while other times it will just seem easier to gloss over the truth and continue on your way. Your child has these same experiences in their everyday life, and it is absolutely okay for you to trust your gut within each individual experience.
Remember that you are navigating new territory, and you should never feel pressured or obligated to speak to people about anything that you do not want to share. You might make a decision to keep things to yourself in certain situations, yet begin to feel more comfortable down the line. No one should ever judge you for taking time to process this new information. Try not to overthink it, and have patience with yourself. When you do open up to others about your child, remember that it doesn’t have to be a huge and serious discussion; their response is informed by your delivery. You will have awkward moments—we all do. Many things will get easier with time and practice, and even the most awkward exchanges will soften with time.
A KID’S PERSPECTIVE
“Once one person knew, everyone knew.”
You know how, sometimes when you tell one person, you may as well have told the whole world? Well, that sort of happened to me when I came out. I was seventeen, and a high school senior in a relatively small town in North Carolina. My dad is a rabbi in the Conservative Reconstructionist movement and my mom is an English professor. I should also add that my mom even taught, prior to me coming out, courses like Women and Literature and Gay and Lesbian Literature. Both of my parents, overall, were pretty accepting.
At first, I didn’t want others to know, unless I felt ready or had control of the situation. I probably should have known that wasn’t going to happen, since my mom told my dad within hours of me coming out to her. It was only a matter of time until others were told. Soon after I came out to my parents, they told a few of their closest friends. One person they told was Deborah, who was well connected to my dad’s synagogue. Prior to my coming out, she was a close family friend and involved in life happenings, from Passover seders to hurricanes. In some ways, she was a mother figure to my parents. She had provided our family with wisdom and support in times of need, and it was without question or surprise that my parents would tell her early on.
Once one person in the congregation knew about my sexual orientation, pretty much everyone knew. That’s the basis of how our culture works to some degree: You tell one person and they tell a group of people and then another person and so on. When I go back to my parents’ home now, regardless of whether I know the person or not, I am pretty sure they have heard about my affinity for men at some level.
The way that others found out forced me to quickly become at peace with my own sexuality, prompting me to let go of control and care less what others thought about me being gay. Truthfully, I have become much more comfortable with others knowing, and feel that my parents sharing the news with our congregation helped bring awareness about the idea of being gay and Jewish to a small, conservative city. It may also have helped others who are thinking about coming out.
When I go home for the popular rosemary potatoes on Thanksgiving or the crispy potato latkes on Hanukkah (and to see my family, of course), I do occasionally attend services. Most of the congregants are aware of me being gay after all these years, but, every once in a while, I do get a lady trying to set me up with a nice Jewish girl. Perhaps they simply missed the memo.
Dan, 29
Q:
My child doesn’t want to come out to my spouse. What do I do?
A:
There are many reasons why your kid may have come out to you, but not to your spouse or your significant other. The most common reasons are that they either feel more comfortable talking with you about personal matters, or that they are worried your partner won’t be accepting. The first step in navigating this delicate situation is to talk to your kid about their decision, and ask them if they have a plan. They may want you to be the one to have the initial conversation with your partner, or they may want to wait until they feel confident enough to do it themselves. Make a plan with your child that takes their feelings and needs into consideration, but that also respects the trusting relationship you have with your partner.
If the main issue is that your child is less comfortable speaking to your spouse, they may have asked you to tell your partner on their behalf. This doesn’t mean they will never have a larger dialogue with your partner. Uttering those first words to someone is often the hardest moment of coming out, so your child is just looking to you to help them get through that initial step. Explain to your child that you will tell your significant other, but that you are also going to encourage them to speak directly to each other after the fact. When you speak with your partner about what your child
has communicated to you, and that they asked you to deliver the news, make sure you express how difficult that initial coming-out moment is for a person. Your partner should know that your child’s decision to tell you first isn’t a reflection on them as a parent, and the best thing they can do is to express their support for their child. It can be as simple as your partner walking over to your kid, placing a hand on their shoulder, and saying, “I want you to know I love you, no matter what. If you need anything, you say the word.” Depending on the relationship that your significant other and your child have, it might be something subtler than that, and that is okay. So long as your partner has voiced or shown support, and your child feels that support, you have all done an incredible job.
If your child has asked you
not
to share the information, there needs to be a larger dialogue that addresses your position within this situation. Trust and patience is extremely important in the moments following coming out, so if your kid is asking you to give them a few weeks to work up the courage, it is best to hold off and respect their wishes. If, however, your child says that they have no intentions of ever telling your significant other, this puts you in a difficult position. If you know that your partner will be supportive of your child and their sexuality, then you should explain to your child that you cannot withhold information from someone with whom you share your life. You can, and should, tell your child that you understand their hesitancy and are willing to give them some
time, or help them figure out the best way to approach the conversation, but there has to be a plan for you to feel comfortable as a part of a larger family unit.
If your kid has kept this a secret because your significant other is, in fact, unsupportive, things become a bit more difficult. If this is the case, you should be honest with your child about your concerns. You don’t have to pretend that your partner will be accepting if you are fairly certain that they may have a harder time with the information. Talk to your kid and tell them that you will do everything in your power to make the situation as easy as possible. In those first moments, let them know you will stand by their side and help them as they navigate their feelings. A loving and safe environment is crucial in those first stages of coming out, so keeping this between you and your child for a short time may be the best decision. When the time comes that they are ready to have that conversation (or have you initiate that conversation), the main thing to keep consistent is your support of your child. Allow your significant other the room to feel the many feelings that may come along with this information. Remember that their initial reaction is not always indicative of how things will be forever. This is a very hard place to be in, but as much as you can, return to your child with support, and let your significant other know that you are also there to listen, to dialogue, and to figure out the best path forward for everyone involved. Talk to your partner about your family as a whole, and ensure that they know this isn’t parent versus child.
Mediating between your child and your significant other, however, should not be a permanent solution. It is fine for you to help both of them as much as you are capable, but we all have our limits. While you are in this mediating space, make sure you have someone else to speak with about your situation. Whether it involves attending PFLAG meetings or simply relying on your best friend or a close family member, you should not have to go through this alone. After a time, this will have to be something that is between your child and your partner. You can still show your support for your child and remain as patient as possible with your significant other, but you need to also remember to take care of yourself.
