The Throwaway Year (2 page)

Hayden started
her car and pulled out of her driveway without looking.  Thank God she lived on a residential street that saw very little traffic, or she might have been hit.  She gripped the steering wheel as the tears and sobs wracked her body.  Her chest ached when she thought about the six years and how easily he’d been able to say that he’d found someone else.  Even after all that she had done for him…

Knowing that it wasn’t safe for her to continue driving, Hayden pulled into the nearest place where she could safely lose it.
It was the parking lot of a Kroger’s grocery store.  After she was safely stopped, she stared at herself in the mirror, not recognizing the ugly woman that looked back at her.  Hatred bubbled up inside of her, but it was all directed at herself.

She hated her too light skin with its freckles scattered across her nose.
Red bone. High yella – but not pretty, she didn’t have the long flowing hair or the limber body that most people associated with light skinned females. When she looked at herself she simply saw an out of shape woman with a Don King mess of hair covering her head.  When she reached up to wipe her blotchy face of its tears and snot she smelled her unwashed body.  She averted her eyes in disgust.

Hayden was staring at the phone number that MyKell had left on a slip of paper.  When she’d returned
that
day, MyKell had been gone but there had been a brief note telling her that if she needed to contact him for her to call him on his cell phone.  Then she’d seen a new number there, one that probably belonged to his new cell phone that was probably provided by his new girlfriend.

Hayden felt herself frowning.  She could stand here, staring at this phone number for hours speculating about what the two of them were doing together right now, or how many times had they made love since he’d left, how many times he had called her baby…
  She felt another spike of hurt before it dwindled down into a dull ache.  The phone rang and she hurried to it, almost picking it up before the first ring had ended.  She stilled her hand and let it ring twice more before she slowly answered.

“Hello?” s
he tried not to sound hopeful.

“Hayden?  You okay girl?  You haven’t been to work in two days and I was getting worried.”  It was her best friend Danyelle; Dani.  She didn’t answer.  The disappointment that it wasn’t
him
was just too strong.  “Do you want me to come over?  Hade?”

“I’m okay.”  She mumbled.  “I just, need some time alone.”  Dani sighed, but after a moment gave a reluctant goodbye.  Staring at the phone receiver
, Hayden wondered just how long she was going to do this.  How long was she going to rehash this betrayal, this hurt?  Why couldn’t this part be over already?  If she could just go to sleep and wake up and it could be a year later—because then, in a year she could be skinny
and
over
him
.  If there was only some way to throw this year away…

Hayden hung up the phone when it began to beep loudly and then walked into her kitchen.  Her feet carried her automatically to the refrigerator before she brought herself to a stumbling halt.
She blinked in disbelief at how automatic it was to open the refrigerator and to place food into her mouth without even realizing it. She had sworn to herself that she was going to go on a diet and straighten herself up—but she couldn’t stay disciplined for even one day!

She looked around almost amazed at how she was living.  There were unwashed dishes in the sink from the week before!  Her floors needed sweeping, her laundry needed doing, her bathroom needed cleaning…
but more importantly she was a hot mess; and not just physically. Her credit was a mess from indulging in her and MyKell’s every whim. She needed to get right with herself; outside and in.

Hayden grit
ted her teeth and stormed to the sink where she filled it with hot soapy water. Almost frantically, she began to clean.  Sweat ran down her body in rivulets as she moved through her house like a cleaning tornado.

Hayden did not stop moving until after 2
:00 A.M. and by that time her floors were mopped and waxed, her furniture glowed with orange oil, her bathroom was scrubbed and sparkling, and her laundry was washed, folded and put away.  She stripped out of her clothes, averting her eyes as she passed the mirror and stepped into her shower.  She scrubbed her body and her hair but when she stepped from the bath wrinkled like a prune she felt just as dirty as she had when she had entered it.

Exhausted, Hayden slipped into her crisp clean sheets, falling asleep almost as quickly as her
head touched her pillow.  When she woke up the next morning, the idea that had taken root in her head wouldn’t leave. She stared at the ceiling feeling the empty gnawing in her stomach—what others called hunger, but what she knew was really just an excuse to bury her pain in food.

She climbed out of bed slowly, her body sore and stiff from the impromptu workout.
She picked up her telephone to call in sick yet another day, and not because she wanted to sit around and mope, but because she had a plan.  Hayden walked over to the calendar that hung behind the door. April 12, 2011.

Why shouldn’t she throw away the next year of her life, especially if it was to get right with herself?
She had given six years to a man with no ambition, no drive and obviously no loyalty. So why shouldn’t she just devote one year of her life to better herself; regardless of how much discomfort it gave her or how unpleasant it was? One year to become a new person…otherwise she would always be this woman that she had grown to hate.

Hayden returned to her bed and made it up neatly.  No more messes.  She had to get her house in order, her finances straight and of course she
had to get right with herself.

After getting dressed she went to the supermarket and loaded the cart with healthy and nutritious food.
She had always hated the taste of low fat anything and she would choose tepid water over an iced cold drink sweetened with fake sugar. Diets worked for a while, until she ended all of her hard work with a slice of cake and buffalo chicken wings. Or her daily cup of coffee loaded with whipped cream and caramel.

Hayden knew the foods that would help her to lose weight—and she knew the diets that were the most successful because she had tried them all.
She just couldn’t stick with anything unpleasant; including exercise, tasteless food, and denying herself some small pleasure. Hayden stared sadly at a display of Krispy Kreme doughnuts.

Heated for a few seconds in the microwave
, and then dunked into a steaming cup of coffee, that was one of her favorite treats… Wait, she couldn’t tolerate unpleasant things? She had tolerated her own gluttony and lack of drive.
What do you want more Hade; doughnuts or to be someone that you can be proud of?

With a decisive nod, Hayden walked past the do
ughnuts.  As she was loading her groceries into her car, she spotted a Quick Cuts in the strip mall across the street. She touched her ponytail, which didn’t even capture all of her split ends.  Then she hurried across the street and stepped into the small shop. All eyes were on her until a stylish white woman whisked her away to a chair, a look of horror on her face as she studied Hayden’s head. Hayden just shrugged inwardly.

“Cut it off.”

“All of it?”

“Leave me an inch.”
That was about the amount of her new growth.  The hairdresser nodded in relief that she wasn’t going to be given the task of flat ironing, curling, or otherwise trying to make her sandy kinks halfway acceptable.  Hayden wouldn’t miss it.  The hair was over processed, dry, and pretty much beyond repair anyway.

After the cut, what was left curled softly with the help of proper moisturizers.  The woman commented that it look
ed good, and it was the truth.  Yet, Hayden just nodded.  It didn’t matter if it looked good. The point was to get rid of the bad so that there would be room for the good.

After leaving the strip mall and taking her groceries home
, Hayden headed to a local gym.  It was less than five miles from her house, which meant that she should be able to go to the gym even on a whim. In the past, she had always put off joining this gym because it was too hot to be working out, or it was too cold to be driving to a gym. However, the truth was that she just didn’t want to look like a fat ass.  Ignoring the sight of the toned bodies as well as the not so toned ones, Hayden walked up to the receptionist desk. 

“I want a one-
year membership, and I need a personal trainer, please.  How much will that cost?”  The receptionist gave the woman a surprised look as if thinking that fish didn’t generally jump onto the hook.

“Let me get a member’s representative.”
Hayden nodded. This was going to be one easy sale…

A buff B
lack man approached her with a folder in his hand. After introducing himself, he had her sit at a table where he proceeded to try to talk her into buying a membership. Hayden interrupted him.

“Sold. Explain what’s in the fine print and then tell me where to sign.”
The man stuttered and then smiled broadly. Moments later they were shaking hands.

The price of the membership was on promotion and very fair
, but it would still stretch her finances and didn’t even include a personal trainer, since the facility only had employees who showed the members how to work the machinery. Then the sales rep explained that many personal trainers were members who brought their clients here to workout. The man looked around while Hayden watched him discreetly, wishing that he was a personal trainer. Not that she was the least bit interested in him, but his body appeared to be as close to perfect as humanly possible.

He waved his hand to a group of body builders lifting weights in front of a huge mirror.
“Todd!”

The person that turned was far from the h
ulking figure of the other men.  Todd jogged over to them. He was a White man of average height and build. Hayden couldn’t see much of his physique as he wore workout pants and a loose fitting shirt.

“Todd
, this is Hayden Michaels. She’s looking for a personal trainer.”

He shook her hand.
“Hi, I’m Todd Crandle.”

“
You’re
a personal trainer?”

He just chuckled, not appearing offended by her apparent lack of confidence.

“Not just a personal trainer; I’m NCSF certified. I also have a Bachelor’s of Science degree in Physical Fitness. But best of all, I’m not just some muscle head that wants to turn you into a female version of himself.”

Hayden’s head tilted as she digested his words, deciding that she liked what he had to say.
  Then the sales rep excused himself when he saw that Hayden had warmed to the idea of Todd.

“I have to warn you though,” Todd co
ntinued.  “I’m also a fulltime Firefighter and I just recently got married, so my schedule is pretty hectic. So if you’re willing to work around my craziness, then I’ll give you a break on my usual fee.”

She perked up even more at that and discovered that Todd worked a 24-hour shift at the firehouse
, and then had the next 48 hours off. She was far from rich, so it helped that he would cut her a break.  So Hayden agreed to his terms.

Then
they decided to meet at the end of the week at the butt crack of dawn. Todd insisted that she get a physical first and though it had been years since she had seen a doctor, it was just another thing that she needed to do in order to get right with herself.  After leaving the gym, Hayden checked off a mental list in her head.

She picked up a newspaper and then headed for a small café.  When the waitress asked her what she wanted to order, she indicated a cup of hot tea with lemon and a
grilled chicken Cesar salad.  Then she searched the want ads, circling several perspective part time jobs.  She needed to get her finances together, and to do that she needed another job.

I value my health, as I can’t truly love myself without loving and inner-adorning the shine that encapsulates the magic of my soul.

Hayden stared at th
e words that she had written across her calendar. Did she believe the words? No… and that was pretty pathetic.

Her
doctor’s visit had not gone well—not well at all.

“Aren’t you feeling…
sick?” he had asked her with squinted eyes as he scrutinized her.  She just shrugged and shook her head.

“Well Miss Michaels once you begin taking this medication you will realize that you were indeed sick…” he smiled, “because you will begin to feel tons better.”

Hayden took her morning dose of diabetes, high blood pressure and high cholesterol medicine. Well… at least she now had a doctor’s note for why she had taken damn near a week off from work. 
See Boss Lady, I’m not just mooning away because some man dumped me. I’m really sick!  Check out my A1C level. I should be freaking dead…