The Tao Of Sex (17 page)

“The last woman I loved was a white woman like you.”

Tracy flinched as a surge of jealousy hit her hard. Her hands were tensed into claws. “I don’t really want to know this.”

Nathan ignored her, continuing as if she hadn’t spoken. “She is white and beautiful, but that is her only similarity to you. She was soft, giving, ultrafeminine whereas you…”

“Are you saying I’m too butch?”

He frowned. “I don’t know what that means. I think you’re the strongest woman I’ve ever met. Smart, determined, and with a great capacity to love. You have built a home for you and your brother. I admire that.”

She threw up her hands to cover the embarrassment she felt. She was proud of her accomplishments, but to hear him say it like that…Well, it thrilled her down to her toes. “So I’m awesome. Let’s forget this tigress stuff and keep going—”

“You’re killing me, Tracy.”

She blinked, unsure how to react to that. He appeared serious, but…“You mean that figuratively, right?”

He shrugged. “I was kicked out of the temple because I loved her to the exclusion of all else.”

She swallowed, not wanting to think about this other student, but unable to stop herself. “Did you do…” She gestured to the floor. “Did you do that with her, too?”

His shoulders tightened. “Yes. Whenever she allowed me.”

“Well, then,” she said, disappointment curling in her stomach. “So I’m not special.”

He shrugged, his hands lifted in a gesture of helplessness. “You are special. She was special. And I love you completely.”

Somehow the words didn’t quite thrill her as she’d once thought they would. “You loved them all, didn’t you? All your students.” She was beginning to understand why he held himself apart from her. “You’re trying not to repeat past mistakes. And, to you, I’m just like all of them.”

NATHAN WATCHED THE COLOR drain from Tracy’s face. He knew he had just hurt her badly. Just as he knew that he was lying through his teeth. Tracy not special? That was like saying a tsunami was just another storm. Sure there were similarities, but what he had felt for all those other women, all those other tigresses, was nothing compared to what he felt for her now.

Which was why he had to lie to her. She was the same as them in one key respect: she was a tigress. Whether she understood it or not, she was one of the best. She could be a goddess among men. Perhaps he could convince her not to pursue a life at the temple. She was, after all, fully American, fully embedded in U.S. culture. She didn’t want to live in a foreign country away from everything she loved.

But she had gone to heaven; she had touched the divine. He had felt her disappointment a moment ago. He’d recognized the sigh that had come just after, the frustration that this orgasm hadn’t led to more. Though she had tried to hide it, he had watched for it. He knew she longed for heaven. Her body craved it, and that he would not be able to give it to her. He was not a dragon practitioner anymore. He had given up that life, but he could not deny it to her.

“Perhaps I should make some tea,” he said. “Then we can talk.”

“You and your tea,” she groused, but then relented. “Fine. I’ll go get dressed.”

“Or perhaps you would prefer a bath?” She did not really seem in the mood to hear what he had to say. “I could bring the tea to you there.”

“Or perhaps an omelet?” she asked drily. “And some pancakes while you’re at it. How ’bout a whole freaking ten-course meal?” She glared at him but he saw the shimmer of tears in her eyes. “You are the most confusing man I’ve ever met!” Then she grabbed her clothing and stomped up the stairs.

He watched her go, his eyes lingering on the curve of her bottom, the power in her legs, even the sway of her hips. Yes, bringing out her tigress had strengthened the natural sensuousness of her movements, but he had noticed her even before that evening in his apartment. He had seen the clarity in her eyes, and the simple honesty in her every movement. He never had to guess what she was thinking or what she wanted. Tracy was a woman who decided on her course and did not hesitate. Those traits would serve her well at the temple.

Nathan sighed and pulled on his pants. The power he had drawn from her energized his movements. He had given as much as he had received, and yet the combination somehow left him stronger, better, more balanced. That was how it should be between a man and a woman. As each poured power into the other, they should grow stronger—together.

That was what he thought, but the idea was anathema at the temple. Attachments between people only increased the ties to earthly life. And ties to earth did not help one attain the divine. So his mother said, and so all at the temple believed.

He crossed into the kitchen and began a search for the basics. Tracy joined him a few minutes later. He felt her watching him as he stood at the stove. He was so attuned to her energies that he would know where she was all over the world. Such was the power of this tigress over him.

“You know, for a man who wants to dump me, you’re doing everything wrong.”

He smiled as he scooped out the omelet and set it on a plate. “I served as cook to the temple for a short time. Then one day, my sister said my dumplings tasted like pig shit. She’s been cook ever since.”

Tracy looked at the simple food and smiled, her face lighting under the cover of another of her baseball caps. “I’ll try to remember that if you ever make me dumplings. As for this…It smells great.” She carried it to the table while he began making his own. But then the teakettle whistled. He started to reach for it, but she was there before him, pouring the hot water into mugs. He said nothing as she worked—there was no reason to—and yet his heart clenched nonetheless. She thought nothing of helping him, of pouring her own tea, of waiting to eat until he could join her. He knew of none at the temple who would do such a thing.

“Bon appétit, “she quipped when he finally joined her at the table. He smiled, but didn’t eat. Instead, he watched her face as she closed her eyes and chewed with appreciation. “Mmm. Definitely better than pig shit,” she said. Then she blushed. “Sorry. That was probably inappropriate.”

“It was wonderful,” he said, unable to express how her lack of artifice entranced him. Then he took a closer look at her scrubbed face, completely free of makeup. He saw her sexless sweatshirt and baggy pants. “It won’t work, you know.” She glanced up, startled as he gestured to her hideous clothing. “Dressing so badly. You are a tigress inside. Your sexuality will attract men even if you wear garbage bags. And you will feel the song of desire no matter how tightly you restrain your actions.”

She looked at him with a solemn expression. “Then it’s a good thing I dress to suit myself.” She waved at her clothing. “It’s comfortable.”

“Then it’s a good choice,” he answered.

He took a bite of his food, tasting nothing. What would he give up to cook breakfast for her every morning just like this? To hear what she really thought, to feel her appreciation in every bite? How glorious to simply live with her as a man lived with a woman—no games, no ulterior motives, just life without the eternal quest for something beyond?

“Nathan—”

He would give everything he had. But it wasn’t his future at stake. It was hers.

“Nathan, you’re staring.”

“Your brother plays American football, right?”

She blinked. “Um. Yeah, but Nathan—”

“Just answer my questions for a moment, please.” He glanced at the team photo on the refrigerator door. “Is he is good at it?”

She smiled. “Yes, he is.”

Not surprising. Joey had the build of a football player. “What if you knew he was the best of his age? Possibly—with training—to be the greatest NFL player of all time.”

She snorted. “Joey? He’s good, but not that good. With luck, he’ll get a scholarship to a division-two school. But—”

“Imagine he was that good, and you knew it, but he didn’t. Imagine that you saw a great pro career in front of him, that he could be revered for all time as the best player ever, but he didn’t want to do it.”

She snorted again and cut a big bite out of her omelet. “Not a chance. Joey loves football. If he were that good, he’d be picking his pro team and what multimillion-dollar car he wanted to buy.”

“But what if he didn’t understand?” Nathan pressed. “What if he didn’t know what being a great football player meant, and he didn’t even want to explore it? Maybe he was happy doing whatever he’d been doing before he started to play.”

“You mean like being a handyman? He used to love tooling around with Dad doing household repairs and stuff. Male bonding and all that, but boy, did he love it.”

Nathan smiled. “Exactly!”

She shrugged. “Where are you going with this?”

“Wouldn’t you encourage him to explore football? To see what the possibility was before he decided?”

“Of course, I would.” Her eyes softened as she gazed at the photo of her brother. “It’s not that I like watching my brother get flattened by a dozen other guys, but he should know his options before he decides on his future. That’s why I want him to go to college….” She frowned as she turned back to Nathan. “Where are you going with this?”

He bit his lip, forcing himself to explain though everything inside him urged to keep silent. He was happy teaching her about her energies. But that would be like keeping her in high school when she could be so much, much more.

“You have that capability, Tracy, as a tigress. You could be revered by millions, heaven at your feet. You can—”

“In a cult that no one’s ever heard of? Yippee.”

He abruptly leaned forward, gripping her hand. Didn’t she understand? “You have to go to the temple, Tracy,” he said. “You have to know what you’re giving up.”

She set down her fork, her expression tightening as she spoke. “Is that why you keep pressuring me to go to Hong Kong? To meet with this guy Stephen?” She shook her head. “No way.”

His hand tightened painfully then abruptly released. “I want nothing of the kind, Tracy. But that’s not my place, is it?”

She frowned. “Of course, it is. I mean, if you want to, you know, date me.”

His gaze snapped to hers. Didn’t she understand how hard this was for him? “So as your boyfriend, I can tell you what to do and where to go? I can keep you from your potential, all because I want you to myself?”

She caught his gaze and held it, her expression intense. “Is that what you want?”

He abruptly possessed her mouth. He took her as if he were staking a claim. He pushed himself into her; he arched her back and would have had her on the table in a moment, if he had his way. She had to understand that. So he kissed her without compromise, without give and take, only possession. And then he let her go.

“Is that what you want? I will own you if you like.” Then he looked at her. “But first tell me that you do not long for heaven. That you do not wish to return there again.”

“You took me there before—”

Nathan shook his head, forced to admit the truth. “Luck. A fluke. But to learn to go there on purpose, you must go to the temple. And Stephen. I can’t lead where I’ve never been.”

She stared at him, and he saw the yearning in her eyes. He didn’t want to see it, but her longing was undeniable and she knew it. “This is ridiculous!” she snapped. “I’m not NFL material.”

He towered over her. “Fine. Deny your potential. Deny what you have experienced and known from the very beginning. But at least admit the truth—you want to return to heaven.”

“Yes!” She snapped the word, but then abruptly deflated and her gaze canted away. “Of course, I want to go back there.”

He let her words hang in silence. He let her absorb the truth of her desire. And then he delivered the final blow and the real reason he had shown up here this morning. “I leave tomorrow for Hong Kong.”

Her eyes leaped back to him. “You’re leaving? Now?”

He stepped away from her. If he stood much longer beside her, he would give in and make love to her, but that would ruin everything for her. “You may come with me, if you want. You can visit the temple, talk with my mother, learn what is possible for you.” He had no doubt that she would choose to remain in Hong Kong. The tigress in her was too strong to be denied.

“You’re going to Hong Kong. Tomorrow. And you want me to go with you.” Her voice was flat with shock.

“The situation at home has grown very bad very quickly. My mother is spending recklessly. If she is not stopped now, there will be nothing left for anybody.”

She frowned. “But I thought you didn’t have anything.”

He shook his head. “We have only one thing—the temple. For a hundred years, it is all that we have ever owned.” He lifted his gaze to meet her. “I intend to sell it.”

“Sell the temple?” She gasped. “But…how? What?”

He shrugged, feeling the weight of his decision. “I can’t let my mother continue as she is. She will beggar us in a year. Then we will lose the land anyway.”

“So you’re going to sell?”

“The temple will remain the same. That is a condition of the sale. Then all the money will be held in trust for my mother, aunt and siblings.”

Tracy nodded, her agile mind already understanding more of the financial details than his family ever would. “Is your mother okay with this?”

He tightened his jaw. “She has no choice. She gave me power of attorney long ago.” He lifted his chin, embarrassment and pride at war inside him. “Even as a child, I feared this day would come.”

“Nathan, I’m so sorry.” She reached out to touch his hand. Without thinking, he flipped his hand over so he could grip her palm to palm.

“It doesn’t matter,” he said. “The temple will survive. My family will have enough to do what they want, and…” He forced his next words out. “I am available as your guide to introduce you to Hong Kong. I can ease your way into the temple.”

She narrowed her eyes. “I can’t possibly afford a trip to Hong Kong. And neither can you. So where—”

“Stephen has loaned me the money. And he has paid for your ticket—round trip, first class, open-ended return.”

She laughed—a short burst of air that filled the room. “Are you nuts? You think I can go to Hong Kong tomorrow morning?”

He nodded. “I don’t think you can resist it.”

Tracy studied him, her gaze silent and hard. And the longer she remained quiet, the more his hopes rose. Maybe she did have the strength to resist the siren call of priesthood. Spirit would not influence her, and her scruples would not allow her to accept a free ticket from a man she didn’t know. Maybe…

“All right,” she said.

His hopes plummeted, but still a tiny sliver of his heart held on. “All right what? You will refuse to go?”

She pushed up from her chair so that she faced him eye to eye. “All right, Nathan, I’ll go to Hong Kong with you. My brother can cover for me here. I’ll meet this Stephen. I’ll see what my big possibilities are for divinity or priestess hood or whatever. But you know what I’ll really be doing when I’m there looking at your secret tigress rites?”

Nathan didn’t answer. He already knew she would be walking the path of the divine tigresses. He knew that within a week, he would be nothing more than a fond memory, stepping stone along her road.