The Someday List (25 page)

Troy obviously saw her struggling. He took her hand in his.
"I love you, Rachelle"

She looked at Aunt Melba for the usual warning and tried to
pull away, but he wouldn't loosen his grasp. Melba didn't react.

"Let me finish;' Troy said. "I loved you from the first time I saw
you on Everson's campus, heading into the McPherson Hall choir
room. When you opened your mouth and sang like an angel, I
think my heart memorized your name. That won't ever change.

"We dated for three years and didn't make the decision to
marry lightly," he said. "We got married during our senior year
so we could find graduate programs that met both our needs,
remember?"

Rachelle recalled the late nights they had spent mapping out
their five-year plan after choir rehearsals, over homework, pizza,
and tender kisses.

"We had it all figured out, didn't we?" she said, mindful that
he continued to grasp her hand.

"What we had then was real," Troy said. He peered at her until
she locked eyes with him. "And for one crazy moment last week,
I thought it was still real"

Rachelle held her breath.

"But you and I both know that it's not;' Troy said. "I am sorry I
overstepped my bounds and kissed you. I was out of line and just
plain wrong. I'm representing God before everyone I encountereven you, and I apologize:"

Rachelle didn't know what to say. She was the one who owed
him an apology. More than one. She was the one who shattered
their marriage and never told him why. She was the one who
remarried, thinking she could forget what they had.

Pastor Taylor cleared his throat. "Was that all you wanted to
say, Troy?"

He shook his head. "No, I guess not. This conversation has been
a long time coming, and I really just need to get everything out.

"I told you I forgave you, Rachelle, and in my head, I did, a
long time ago. But if you ask the two women I dated after grad
school at Georgia Tech whether I was over you, they would beg
to differ. So would the woman I asked to marry me just before I
moved back to jubilant"

Rachelle's eyes grew large. There was someone else? What was
all this talk for, then?

Troy produced a slow smile. "I know you're wondering where
that came from. But yes, I've dated and I've been in love with other
people. I'm in love with someone now, but she doesn't believe that
I love her as much or more than I loved you.

"She keeps telling me that you are the silent partner in our
relationship, because I trust her just enough to love me, but not
enough to let down my guard, in case she decides to leave too."

Rachelle felt the golf ball-sized lump in her throat expand
into a grapefruit. "Troy, I am so sorry. I'm sorry for promising
to spend my life with you and instead, leaving you a good-bye
note next to your coffee cup. I'm sorry for putting my desire to
please my parents before our marriage. They dangled the threat of not paying for me to go to optometry school if I didn't move
on with my life without you, but I'm wise enough to know now
that if I had wanted it badly enough, I would have found other
ways to reach that goal:'

Rachelle inhaled. No tears today, please, God. "I've never loved
anyone as deeply as I loved you, Troy. Not even my husband, Gabe.
And all these years, I think he's known it, so I owe him an apology
too. After that kiss last week, I realized that we can't go back in
time. We're different people. But I don't think that will ever keep
me from loving you, or being in love with the man you were:"

Pastor Taylor laid his hands on top of both of theirs, which
were still locked together. "I'm hearing a lot of regret;' he said.
"Yes, it's too late to think that you two can pick up where you left
off and spend your lives together, happily after ever. But it's not
too late to acknowledge a never-ending affection for each other.
You can feel strongly about someone and still decide to move
on. If your decision honors God, he'll give you beauty, even for
those ashes"

As Pastor Taylor gave their hands a squeeze and leaned back,
Rachelle slipped her hand out of Troy's.

She accepted his answer. However, the unspoken question was,
what would it mean if they didn't want to move on? What if they
did want to try again? Why was everyone so adamant that they
shouldn't?

Rachelle wanted those answers, even though she didn't deserve
them.

She saw something she didn't quite understand in Troy's eyes
too. He looked from her to Melba to Pastor Taylor.

"I've been living in the land of what-if for years;' he said. "What
if Rachelle found me and wanted to try again? What if she was
still single and we could pick up where we left off? What if our love was strong enough to overcome any challenges that our reunion might cause the people around us? Those are legitimate
questions, aren't they?"

Aunt Melba pursed her lips. "He's right, Pastor Taylor. People
ask those questions every single day and decide that finding answers is worth risking everything else. Usually the odds are stacked
against them, but that can't always be the case:"

She turned her attention to Troy and Rachelle.

"When those questions arise, I think you need to not only look
at just the Troy and Rachelle equation;' Aunt Melba said. "Look
at the panorama of your lives. Everything-from your service
to God to your careers to your hobbies to your extended family
to your long-term life vision. In the entire scheme of things, ask
yourself where a relationship between you two would fit."

She sat back on the sofa and shook her head. "I don't know
that either of you have ready answers to those broad questions
today."

Rachelle leaned forward. "Melba's right, Troy-my feelings for
you can't rule my entire life. I'm not prepared to put everything
on hold like I've been fantasizing about doing.

"But I am prepared to tell you that you did absolutely nothing
wrong. You were a good husband and you are a good man. You
loved me and treated me like I was your queen. I was just plain
stupid to leave you. But I did, and I have to live with that.

"When we got married, I was a baby in a grown woman's body.
I allowed my parents to orchestrate my every move, and I'm still
dealing with issues of control with them that I need to address.
And all these years later, I've realized that I still don't really know
who I am or what I want out of life. I need to figure that out before
I do anything else"

Troy sat back in his chair and folded his arms, oblivious to the tears that now streamed down his face. "So that's it, Rachelle? You
left me on a whim because your mommy and daddy said so? My
mother was just a seamstress and my Rolling Stone daddy was a
bus driver, so I wasn't good enough. That's the answer I've been
longing for all these years? You should have just put that in your
farewell note:"

They sat in silence and let those words simmer.

"Don't beat yourself up;' Pastor Taylor told Rachelle. "You'd
be surprised at how many people go through life making choices
based on someone else's likes and dislikes or because someone
else is footing the bill:"

Rachelle looked at him. He must think she was awful.

Pastor Taylor shook his head. "I see it every day, from the
pulpit to the pew. No one is immune. The interesting thing is
that God brought both of you back to jubilant this summer to
revisit this"

He looked at Troy. "You took a job here, in the place where
you had your heart broken, for a reason. Something led you here,
before you even knew Rachelle was coming for an extended visit.
What was it?"

Troy shrugged. "When they called and told me about the engineering department fellowship, I saw it as a great opportunity
for me and a good place to raise Chaundra. You were here and
there was an opening at the church, so that was the icing on the
cake. I prayed about it and told God that if this wasn't for me, to
close the door. Instead, he opened it wide."

Pastor Taylor turned to Rachelle. She looked at Troy.

"I haven't mentioned this, but Jillian is dying," she said softly.
She gave Troy a moment to absorb the news.

"I learned about a month ago that she has terminal cancer, and
in dealing with that news, I just ... flipped. This other side of me tried to break free. On the morning my plane landed in Houston
after a visit with Jillian, instead of going home to my so-called
fabulous life, I directed the car here, to the one place I remembered
being truly happy, other than when I gave birth to my children.
That's why I'm here. I guess I was chasing happiness, and it just
so happened that the biggest part of that-you, Troy-wound up
being here to meet me"

Pastor Taylor looked from one to the other. "So what are you
two going to do now?" he asked. "Your feelings for each other
aren't going to dissipate like smoke. How are you going to handle
that?"

Rachelle and Troy stared at each other for the longest time, as
if they were mustering the courage to get it over with.

"I want you to be happy, Troy," Rachelle said. "I'll always love
you, and I'll always wish the best for you"

Troy held her gaze and gave her a half smile. "Here I am, a
grown man who still gets weak-kneed in your presence. And
yet, I know I'm in love with who you were, because I don't really
know you now. Thank you for telling me what happened; I've
wondered all these years what I could have done differently. I'll
always love you too"

He gathered Rachelle in his arms. She rested her head on his
shoulder and closed her eyes. His embrace felt good, but for the
first time in forever, she realized she didn't belong there.

achelle's eyes flew open and she clutched her throat.

She sat up in bed and wiped sweat from her brow.
A single word came to her.

Pray.

She frowned.

Her? Pray? For who? For what?

Jillian.

She struggled to fight off panic. She wanted to get up and run
downstairs to the living room, where Aunt Irene lay resting. She
would know what to say.

Or maybe Uncle Charles could help her-he was a deacon in
the church. She had heard him render some moving prayers from
the altar at St. Peter's Baptist.

What did she know, except the prayers she had recited on occasion as a child?

Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep ...

Then there were the ones she bowed to nearly two decades
ago, during her choir days in college. Watching her fellow choir
members pray with such passion and faith had been awe-inspiring.
She had been curious about what that felt like, but had never sought an answer. Life had been pretty good without extra rules
and commandments.

This morning, though, something or someone was summoning
her to speak, and for the first time in a long time, she believed it
was God. He had put Jillian on her heart and mind, and knowing her friend's circumstances, she was willing to help however
she could.

Rachelle slowly climbed out of Reuben's bed and knelt against
it, on her knees. She bowed her head and cupped her hands in
front of her.

"God;' she said in a whisper. "You haven't heard from me in a
long, long time, but I think you just woke me up. For Jillian, my
sister-friend. Seems like you and she have a wonderful friendship, and even though you'll be taking her away from this earth
soon, she's satisfied with the love you've shown her. I don't know
where she is in that process or what her needs are this morning,
but God, I ask that you grant her the peace and comfort that you
are able to provide. Let her still be happy, God, and trusting you
to do what's best. Amen:"

Rachelle remained in that position for several more minutes
and let the tears fall. Somehow, she knew God had heard and
answered. She felt a calm wash over her that she had never before
experienced.

She recalled the prayer she had uttered just weeks earlier, when
she lay across the bed in the Hotel Magnolia and begged God to
give her a sign that he existed.

In the wee hours of this day, he had, and to her surprise, she
welcomed his presence.

achelle poured her third cup of tea and sat at the
kitchen table alone, twiddling her thumbs and watching the red lights of the digital clock like a hawk.