The Scarlet Thread (43 page)

room. He looked around. “You didn’t bring any of the new furniture with you.”

She could tell nothing from his tone, but it occurred to her

then he might have wanted some of the things Bruce Davies had

brought into the house they’d shared together. She saw another

glaring mistake, another selfish act on her part. “Roberta suggested I sell . . .” She shook her head, embarrassed. She couldn’t

pass the blame onto Roberta. It had been her own decision, another act of defiance. “I’m sorry, Alex. I never even considered

asking if you wanted the furniture Bruce Davies—”

“I didn’t say I did,” he said abruptly. He looked away from

her and around the living room. “Reminds me of the house in

Windsor.”

His words came back to haunt her:
There’s a right way and a wrong

way to decorate.
She looked around, trying to see things from his

perspective. She’d kept the sofa they’d bought during their first

year of marriage, though she’d recovered it last month with green

corduroy. She’d found the brightly colored throw pillows on sale

in an import shop. She still had the hatch-cover table. On it was a

lead crystal platter with rocks the children had collected from a recent visit to the beach. The old brass lamps Alex had called ridiculous sat on modern end tables on each end of the sofa. She’d

polished them to a golden glow and purchased new shades. In the

corner, near the front window, was a tall, healthy fern.

It was as far from Bruce Davies’ kind of decorating as you

could get. Nothing went together, but somehow the mix made

everyone who walked in feel comfortable. At least, they said so.

Two had even asked her to help decorate their homes.

But how did it make Alex feel?

“Would you like me to make some coffee?” she said for want of

anything else.

“It’s a little late for coffee.”

It was a little late for everything. Conceding, she nodded

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the kitchen counter. “I had a long talk with Clanton this evening

after we got home. I think he understands things a little better

now.”

“Understands what?” Alex said, dark-eyed.

“That our marriage breaking up wasn’t solely your fault. He’ll

talk with you the next time you call.” Taking a breath, she took a

few steps toward him and held out the envelope.

Eyes narrowed, he took it. “What’s this?”

“The divorce papers you gave me. I signed them tonight.

You can have your divorce, Alex. I won’t fight you anymore.” She hadn’t realized the cost of those words, nor

had she expected to see the look that came into his eyes. He

wasn’t relieved. As he searched her face intently, she used

every ounce of her will to keep the tears back and to appear

calm and accepting.

Oh, God, be with me. You are my hiding place. You are my shield, my

ever-present help in times of trouble. And this hurts more than I ever

thought possible.

“Why now?” Alex said roughly.

“Because it’s time.” A time for all things. A time to love. A time

to let go. A time to move on with her life and allow Alex to move

on with his. “It would’ve been easier on everyone if I’d done as you

asked in the first place. I was hanging on to my anger. And false

hopes. I know now it only made things worse. For everyone.”

He looked at her for a long moment. “You’ve changed.”

“I hope so.”

He tucked the envelope inside his jacket pocket. She’d never

seen him look so grim. He started to say something but shook his

head. He walked to the door, opened it, and went out without a

word. She closed the door quietly behind him and leaned her

forehead against it.

I’ll trust in you, Lord, no matter how much it hurts. I’ll trust you.

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When next Alex called, Clanton answered. Alex picked him

up on Saturday and they spent the full day together, the first

since Alex had left.

We are laid by in Ragtown with twenty other

wagons.

There is water here and the animals have good

grazing. James is letting me handle replenishing

the supplies while he has the wagon refitted. And

I am getting my wash done. The place is named

for all the clothing hanging on bushes. Even

unmentionables. It is a sight to see!

The Randolph party is heading out along the

Truckee River tomorrow. They are eager to reach

Sutter’s Fort. They are answering Sutter’s call for

settlers. Several of the men here are Ohio farmers. The blacksmith with them fixed the rims on

our wagon and sold us some spare bolts.

I was hoping we would be traveling on with the

Randolph party. It seems to me the more people the

less chance of trouble, but James thinks differently.

He wants to wait and give the oxen time to fatten

for the assault on the Sierras. The others agree.

Kavanaugh gives no opinion one way or the other.

I think he would speak up if it was a poor idea. So

I am somewhat comforted. Joshua is angry. He is

eager to see what is over the mountains. I suppose it

is a good thing we are waiting another day or two.

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that desert and we would have been burying her.

Nellie asked me to pray for her. All I could do was

take her hand and say God help us. She seemed satisfied with that. She keeps on reminding me God

has helped us this far. And I keep telling her we are

not at the end of the trail yet.

Our oxen have good grazing here. James is

cutting grass and bundling it for fodder. It was

good he did that along the Humboldt or the animals never would have made the last forty miles.

I look up at the mountains and wonder if we can

make it before winter hits. The wagon master of

the Randolph party told us not to wait longer than

a week. He said a party went through two years

ago and got trapped in the winter snows. Most of

them died and those that did not were reduced to

eating their kin. After hearing that story, I was

ready to pack up our gear and set out right then.

Kavanaugh rode ahead to find an easier route

over the mountains.

Joshua went with him. They have been gone

four days. I am afraid something has happened to

them. James said we will follow the trail left by

the Randolph party until we hear otherwise.

It is hard going. We crossed the Truckee four

times and now have to dismantle the wagon and

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haul it up the mountain. Binger cracked two ribs

when the windlass came loose, but we did not lose

his wagon. Plenty of wood for a fire. The air is

cold at night and the days are getting shorter.

Joshua is keeping us in fresh food. He shot

a deer. I have strips of meat drying on the wagon

as we travel.

I heard the most fearsome noise last night.

Kavanaugh said it was a puma. I asked him what

a puma was and he said it is a mountain lion.

James spotted a bear crossing the meadow this

morning. I knew something was in the wind

because the oxen were nervous. Kavanaugh put

himself between the wagons and the bear and had

his Sharps ready. That huge beast reared up on

its back legs and scented the wind. I am thankful

he knew better than to come closer.

Kavanaugh just told me to pack the drying

meat away or the bear will come in for it. I have

done so.

James is standing guard. Stern will take the

watch in another two hours. The children are settled under the wagon and sound asleep. I can not

sleep a wink for fear of that bear.

It has been so long since I have felt safe.

The last time I can remember was when I was

a child and my mama was still alive and well.

I never knew the dangers that were around me

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when the Sioux and Fox Indians were warring. She always said God was with us. I can

remember hearing people talk about Black

Hawk, but I was never afraid. I knew Mama

and Papa would take care of me. And I knew

God would too. I remember thinking Papa

was the strongest man alive. All that changed

so fast when Mama died. The McMurray family unraveled.

Sometimes I find myself wondering how

Mama felt about being so far from Galena and

her dear sister. She lost three children on that

homestead. I was too young to remember how

they died or when. But I remember the markers. Mama never talked about them other than

to say I would meet two sisters and a brother in

heaven someday. I remember Mama talking

about Aunt Martha, too, but I can not remember a single time when she talked about the life

she led in Galena. And it must have been a

charmed life with church socials and quilting

parties and afternoon teas. She never talked

much about my grandmother and grandfather

either except to tell me they both believed in

Jesus and were in heaven and I would meet

them someday, too. Aunt Martha told me my

grandfather made his money as a smelter and

Grandma was a Good Christian Woman. She

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died of consumption just like Mama did and my

grandfather died of brain fever.

I never thought to ask more. I was so young

and it never seemed to matter.

Now I have a hundred questions and will never

know the answers to the least of them.

The weather is turning cold. Beth is down with

fever again. I wish Doc was here to tell me what

to do. I dont want to lose her like I lost my little

Deborah.

Beth seems better. It snowed today. It did not

stay on the ground around us but was still worrisome. We can see the mountains white above us.

I have never seen anything so majestic and beautiful or terrifying. Kavanaugh said we have to

push harder and make the foothills before the

snows move down.

James is sick with mountain fever. Matthew and

I are driving the wagon while Hank tends what

few stock we have left and Beth sees after her

father. Nellie is weak with dysentery.

Kavanaugh has sent Joshua ahead with Binger

Siddons and Ernst Holtz. They can move faster

without us and bring us help.

I could not help but cry when Joshua rode out

of sight. He is slipping away from me a little more

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