The Reluctant Cowgirl (9 page)

Phoebe shook her head impatiently, her dark Dorothy Hamill haircut bouncing. “I don’t want you to be sorry. I’ve just missed you.”

Crystal felt like an elephant was sitting on her chest. Being friends with Phoebe again would be worse than going into the room that she and Cami had shared the first eighteen years of their lives. “Maybe we can stay in touch,” Crystal said and stood.

“Wait.” Phoebe motioned her to sit again, and even though Crystal wanted to bolt she sat. “I need to tell you something.” She plucked at the smooth fabric of the couch. “It’s about my last conversation with Cami.”

“No.” Crystal could hardly believe she’d said it, but she lifted her chin, tears filling her own eyes for the first time since this awful conversation had begun. “No,” she repeated. “That’s really not necessary.”

Phoebe reached over and touched her arm. “Please.”

It wasn’t her plea, but Phoebe’s ice-cold hand that broke through Crystal’s determination not to hear. Cami and Crystal used to tease Phoebe mercilessly about how her hands got cold when she was nervous or scared.

Crystal sighed and sat back. Apparently that was all the encouragement Phoebe needed.

“She told me about the argument you two had—that you wanted to wait a while before going to New York.”

Crystal wrapped her arms around her ribs. “That was really just cowardice on my part. She knew that.” She instinctively defended her twin.

“I asked her why she’d gotten so upset at you about it. She just twirled her hair around her finger, in that way she had, and said, in her most philosophical voice, ‘Phoebs, Crys will live her dream wherever she is, but I’ll never make it all the way to Broadway without her there to push me.’”

Hot tears splashed down Crystal’s face and a sob caught in her throat. Her dream? No childish dream she’d ever had had compared with Cami’s dream—for both of them—of Broadway. Which was what made the whole thing so crazy. Unlike Phoebe, who wondered what would have happened “if” this or that, Crystal knew. If she hadn’t tried to back out of going with Cami to New York after graduation, they’d have gone out together graduation night, and the accident would have never happened. And they’d both be almost to Broadway now. Instead of Crystal doing it on her own.

“Not thirty seconds before that car hit us, Cami said she was going to call and see if you’d reconsider going with us.” Phoebe rummaged in her big bag and pulled out a small pack of tissues. Her hands shook as she handed Crystal one and took one for herself. “She never got a chance to make that call, but I always thought you should know that she intended to.”

“Thank you,” Crystal choked out.

Phoebe stood. “I’m going to go. I know I forced myself on you.” She fished in the bag again, brought out a receipt, and scrawled a number on the back of it. She dropped it on the couch. “Give me a call if you ever want to talk again.”

And with that she was gone, leaving Crystal in the middle of a public place, tears pouring down her face, her mind reeling. She found the bathroom without running into anyone and splashed cold water on her face until the tears stopped. She stared in the mirror. Her eyes, the supposed windows of her soul, looked wild.
And rightly so,
she thought, as her stomach churned. She wanted to be home, maybe on the porch, wrapped in a blanket, so she could sift through the things Phoebe had told her.

She bumped into Elyse right outside the bathroom. Her sister had the three books from the couch in her hand. “Look what I found on the sofa—” She grabbed Crystal’s arm. “Are you okay? What’s wrong?”

Crystal shook her head. “Nothing.” Nothing new. “We’ll talk later.”

“You saw Phoebe, didn’t you?”

Crystal nodded.

“Okay, we’ll talk later.” Elyse held up the books, plus two of her own. “Luke called, he’s waiting outside. Want me to get these three with mine and we’ll settle up at home?”

“Please.”

“You want to go on out to the truck?”

Crystal shrugged. “I’ll just wait for you.”

At the truck, she stepped back and let Elyse get in the middle. She recognized the defense mechanism for what it was. This way she’d have a buffer between her and Luke, be dropped off at the house first, and disguise the fact that something was wrong.

She sighed. Sadly, she’d become a master of disguise over the last seven years.

Jeremy looked over at Crystal. Day before yesterday, they’d been fixing fence yet had managed to keep up a continuous conversation. But today, as they’d traveled on horseback taking inventory of the cattle, she’d been so quiet. Had the muffin and cappuccino been over the top? She’d thanked him but said little else all morning.

He reined Nacho in beside a wet-weather creek. “Feel like taking a break?”

“Sure.” She brought her mare to a complete stop and slid gracefully to the ground.

He dismounted. “Have I offended you in some way?”

She looked up quickly from where she was tying the horse to a small tree. “No. Why?”

“You’re quiet today.” He lifted the lid of the small cooler in his own saddlebag, brought out two bottles of water, and handed her one.

“Thanks.” She sank onto the gravel bank and opened the lid.

He sat down beside her.

They stared in silence at the water. “This reminds me of the day you came to Shady Grove a couple weeks ago,” he said softly.

She nodded. “Me, too.”

“Did you find what you were looking for here?”

She opened and closed her mouth as if she wanted to say something but decided against it. “Sometimes I think I found more than I was looking for.”

His heart ached at the poignant tone in her voice. Did her enigmatic answer have anything to do with him? Or was he assuming too much? “What do you mean?”

She cocked her head and gave him what he was coming to think of as her “measuring” look. “Yesterday, at Coffee Central, I ran into the girl who was in the car accident that killed my sister.”

“I’m sorry.” He felt like a heel for pushing her but figured if she hadn’t wanted to talk about it she wouldn’t have told him. “Was she the driver?”

Crystal shook her head. “No, another friend of ours was driving. He was killed, too. Phoebe was in the backseat.”

They stared at the tiny brook rippling madly over the rocks in response to yesterday’s big rain.

“I should have been there, too, but Cami and I...” She cleared her throat and took a small sip of water. “We had an argument that day.”

“Crystal, I’m sorry. If you don’t want to talk about it, I understand.”

Her lips twisted into a self-deprecating sneer. “Thanks, but I think I’ve probably ‘not talked about it’ for long enough.”

“Was it a big argument?”

“Nothing we couldn’t have worked out. Although I’m not sure my heart really believed that until I talked to Phoebe yesterday.” She motioned toward the bright green trees on the other side of the water. “It’s almost like yesterday’s rain washed away the last dregs of winter, isn’t it? Everything looks so fresh and beautiful.”

Jeremy looked over at her. She had that right. “Spring’s my favorite time of year.”

“Mine, too.” She touched his arm. “Thanks.”

His brows drew together. “What for?”

After a morning of mopey silence, her brilliant smile was like sunshine after rain. “For graciously letting me talk about it then just as graciously letting me change the subject.”

He held his hands out, palms up. “Hey, I’m here to serve,” he said jokingly.

But as they stood to go back to their horses, a shiver went up his spine. Why did Crystal McCord’s silences and smiles matter so much?

“Chance McCord! If you don’t get out of that bathroom, I’m going to start breaking your fishing lures. One at a time.”

Crystal heard a muffled protest from the bathroom as she walked by. She glanced at Kaleigh, fist raised to pound on the door again, face almost as red as her hair. “Yes, I will. I know where the key to your tackle box is. I have to get a shower before church, too.”

“I’m out of Mama and Daddy’s bathroom,” Crystal said quietly.

Kaleigh spun around. “Oh, okay. You look great.”

Crystal smiled. “Thanks. Are you sure it’s okay?” Crystal smoothed the dress down with her hands. It had been so long since she’d gone to church, she felt she’d stick out like a sore thumb, but she’d promised Aaron she’d try. And especially with Kaleigh and Chance here, she didn’t want to bring up a lot of questions.

“It’s perfect. The little black dress everyone wishes they had. Or looked like that in,” Kaleigh said, her hand still raised to bang on the door. “Sorry for yelling. He tricked me by giving me the last piece of cinnamon toast so he could beat me to the shower.”

“Possibly getting you back for the time you convinced him you saw a monster bass in the cow pond so you could watch what you wanted to on TV?”

Kaleigh grinned. “He stayed out there all night with his rod and reel.” She lowered her fist. “Fine. I’ll shower in Mama and Daddy’s bathroom.”

Crystal nodded and went on downstairs. Since yesterday afternoon, she hadn’t had to worry about the house being too quiet. The twins had taken a rare Saturday afternoon and Sunday off to come home for a visit. And Matthew should be here from Tennessee when they got home from church.

The three sisters had gone into town yesterday to get groceries. They’d gotten silly and laughed about everything under the sun. Crystal couldn’t remember when she’d laughed so hard. She couldn’t believe the years she’d wasted staying away. At times being here was very painful, and she was still making her bed on the couch. But the pain was worth the joy of spending precious time with her sisters and brothers. And at least she wasn’t still sleeping on the porch. So that was progress, however small.

In the kitchen, she peeked at the big roast with carrots and potatoes she’d put in the Crock-Pot when she first got up this morning. It already smelled delicious. Elyse was making homemade rolls. Kaleigh was taking care of the other veggies. Luke was bringing a gallon of sweet tea. With any luck, from Coffee Central. Matthew was supposed to pick up a Milky Way cake on his way in. And best of all, as it should be when the women cooked, the men had volunteered to do the dishes. That was always fun to watch.

Crystal sighed as she put the lid back on the Crock-Pot. Mama had sounded so proud when Crystal had talked to her last night and she’d found out they were all preparing Sunday lunch together at the house. And especially when she’d realized Crystal was planning to go to church this morning. But Crystal could hear the homesickness in her voice. She’d reminded her mother that they’d been gone almost a week already and the next few weeks would be over before she knew it.

As Crystal remembered their conversation, she felt again the same jolt she’d felt then. It would be over soon. And when it was over, how would she go back to New York and leave the ranch and family she loved? She’d done it before wearing the protective armor of fresh grief. But after she’d grown used to seeing Elyse and Luke regularly and the others on occasional weekends like this one, how would she do it?

She’d have to remind herself how thrilling it would be to act on Broadway. And remind herself that New York isn’t another planet. She could visit more often. That’s what understudies and days off were for.

She poured a second cup of coffee and sat down at the kitchen table. What about Jeremy Buchanan? She couldn’t imagine going back to not knowing him. In the short time since she’d met him, he’d proven himself a good man and a wonderful friend.

“What are you so lost in thought about?” a deep voice said from the doorway.

She looked up at Chance and tried to figure out what to say. “The future.”

“Deep subject.” He poured a cup of coffee and came to sit beside her. “Anything in particular?”

She looked into her brother’s green eyes. “Just wondering what life will be like when I get back to New York.”

“Without Brad the cad, you mean?” He winced. “Sorry. I picked that up from Kaleigh.”

Crystal snickered. “Very fitting. My friend, Tina, used to call him Ken.”

Chance’s eyebrows drew together. “Ken?”

“As in Barbie’s Ken. Plastic. Like when he had a big plan to get rich on Wall Street, she started calling him Day-Trader Ken. Or more recently, Wedding-Proposal Ken.”

Chance started to grin then frowned. “He proposed to you?”

“Oh yeah, about a week before I caught him with my roommate.”

“Did you say yes?”

She shook her head. “I hadn’t given him an answer yet. But I was going to say no.”

Chance took a gulp of his coffee. “Why didn’t you just say no right up front?”

She sipped her own coffee and considered his question. “Because I was trying to be sure that marrying Brad would be worse than being alone.”

Pain flashed in his eyes. “You could always come home to stay, Crys.”

She glared at him. “You know I can’t. I’m going to see this through to Broadway.”

“And then can you come home?”

She just stared at him. “Come home? Do you think Cami would have made it to Broadway and then quit?”

He shook his head. “But you’re not Cami.” He reached over and squeezed her hand. “We love you for you, Crys. It’s not up to you to preserve Cami’s memory by being a living monument to her.”

“I think you’ve been listening to Mama too much. Broadway is my dream. And that has nothing to do with Cami.” Heart pounding in her throat, she glanced at the kitchen clock. “Elyse should be here any second to get us. Do you think Kaleigh’s almost done?”

“I’ll go see.” He bounded out of the room. “Hurry, slowpoke. Time to go,” she heard him call up the stairs.

“I’m not a slowpoke,” Kaleigh’s voice drifted down. “You’re just a bathroom hog.”

A familiar stab of jealousy took her breath away. The twins gave each other a hard time, but they were best friends as well as siblings.

As she sat in the kitchen and listened to her younger brother and sister’s good-humored fussing, she realized she’d lied to her mother. She was still grieving. And since she’d come home, she was realizing more and more that she’d lost more than her sister and best friend when Cami died. She’d lost her way.