The Mourning Woods - 03 (34 page)

“Way to make an impression, Bill,” Sally whispered out of the side of her mouth. Bitch!

Finally Grulg’s laughter subsided. “
Funny Tlunta. Strength, speed, intelligence...all these things make good leader. Treachery just mean he smarter.
”

“Well, good. Now that we’ve established Turd’s credentials as a fucking genius...”

Sally interrupted my tirade. “Grulg, what the Freewill is
trying
to ask, is what about Turd’s behavior is dishonorable?”

Grulg nodded at her. “
Grulg show you. Tlunta follow again
.”

“We already followed you,” I protested.

“
Grulg lead you away because you no stop chattering. Sound like...what you call them...squirrels
.”

Thus admonished by a giant talking gorilla, we put our respective coverings back on and once more followed
Mighty Joe Young
through the forest.

* * *

“You want me to
what
?” Sally asked.

“
Jump in
,” Grulg repeated.

“Why?”

“
Cover scent. Grulg’s tribe not smell you.
”

“Oh, Jesus Christ,” I said, pushing my way past her. “Stop being such a fucking princess.” I wasn’t too big on this plan either, but I could tolerate getting a little dirty if it would help us gain some leverage over Turd.

I jumped into the pungent smelling pit and began rolling around to coat myself.

When I was done, I got out and walked over to her.

“See? Was that so bad? A little mud won’t kill you.”

Sally simultaneously gave me both a look of pity and an eye-roll. “That’s not mud, moron.”

“It’s not?”

“No, stupid.”

“
Tlunta smell good now
,” Grulg commented. “
Now she-Tlunta turn.
”

“No fucking...” however, Sally didn’t get a chance to finish. I shoved her in mid-complaint. I take enough of her shit as it is. Now it was her turn.

* * *

After managing to convince Sally to not kill me (which we shall not recount here as it was both long and painful), Grulg led us back in the direction of his tribe. Soon, we could see more crude huts through the trees; however, I didn’t see any Sasquatches wandering amongst them.

“
Others sleep, now. This way
,” Grulg whispered, leading us toward one end of the makeshift village.

At the far end was a hut several times larger than the others. Skulls lined a crude walkway leading up to it. Grulg didn’t need to tell me this was Turd’s place. No matter the people or the culture, there were always those who had to flaunt their swag. Grulg took us on a roundabout way toward the rear of the hut, keeping us out of sight from the rest of the village.

Once at the back, Grulg lowered his voice so that we could barely hear it. “
Turd inside recovering from battle. Stay quiet.
”

Typically, when someone tells me there’s a turd waiting for me somewhere, I’m not too enthusiastic about going, but since the fate of the world was potentially resting on this...

Grulg reached over to the wall and pulled up a loose section of leaves. It made an opening just big enough for Sally and me to fit through. I gave her a shrug, then made my way inside, hoping against hope that I would make it back out again in one piece.

* * *

Ugh! And I thought
we
smelled bad. Forget a few air fresheners; this place would require a tanker truck full of Lysol before it smelled anywhere close to habitable. We emerged in a pantry of sorts. Crude shelves filled with wooden bowls lined the walls. I didn’t bother to look in any of them. I was pretty sure whatever they were filled with was still moving. I motioned for Sally to follow, and, staying low, I crept forward in the dark.

Though larger than the other huts, the construction was still primitive. We passed one foul smelling room; a large hole dug into the earth beneath it...no doubt Turd’s personal latrine. Hell, for all I know it could’ve been his bathtub too. A partition of sticks and leaves stood in front of us. Peering around it, I saw the main living area before me. Even in the gloom of the hut, I could see well and what I saw caused me to grit my teeth in anger.

Peeking around to look, Sally whispered, “Damn, Turd got game
.
”

Turd slept on a thick bed of moss off in one corner. Surrounding him, also sleeping, were several Sasquatch females. I highly doubted they were his sisters.

I turned back to Sally. “For someone whose mate just offed herself he looks...”

“Shhh!”

“Huh?” I asked.

“Just listen,” she whispered back to me.

I did for a moment. “I don’t hear...” but then I did. What the?

I tried to focus in on the sound. It was...
music
. Even odder, it was music that definitely did not belong here.

“Is that...
Limp Bizkit
?” I asked.

“Sounds like it to me,” Sally confirmed. She again peeked round the divider. After a second, she pulled back and said, “Look closely at Turd.”

I did as told. He still looked pretty battered from our battle the previous day. It definitely hadn’t done anything to make him look any less ugly; however, his breathing was strong, indicating he was just asleep. A few moments later, he let loose with a rippling fart, momentarily drowning out the music. Oh, yeah, the music. I looked closer. At first, I didn’t see anything, but then something caught my eye. It was a white...wire, it seemed. It crossed his chest, then separated into two, each one leading toward opposite sides of Turd’s head. The other end led to something that was stuck in one of the skulls strapped across his chest. I strained my eyes and that’s when I saw it, a little corner of white plastic in the mouth of the skull.

I pulled back and faced Sally. “Is it me, or does that fucker have an iPod?”

“And shitty taste in music,” she commented.

Ignoring her, I continued. “Aren’t these the same assholes who are trying to start a war with us because they hate technology?”

“Yep.”

“OK, thanks. Just trying to make sure I’m not the stupid one here.”

“Well...”

“Not helping, Sally,” I snarled, a wee bit louder than I should have.

Make that a
lot
louder than I should have. Suddenly there was a screech from the main room. I looked around the corner to see one of the females sitting upright and looking in our direction. She screamed again, rousing all of the tent’s occupants.

Sally and I were covered from head to toe in Bigfoot excrement, but that didn’t even begin to describe just how deep in shit we were.

I turned to tell Sally to run, but low and behold, she was already making her way back toward where we had come in. I took a split second to think bad thoughts in her direction before following her lead.

I emerged from the back of Turd’s abode to find Sally standing with Grulg.

“
Go!
” he whispered.

“What about yo...” I started to ask, but apparently Grulg was way ahead of me there.

“
TLUNTA SPIES!
” he screeched and then swung a meaty fist. It purposely went over my head and smashed into the closest tree, sending splinters flying.

I turned to run, but Sally hesitated for a moment. “Thanks, and sorry about this,” she quietly said to Grulg. Without further warning, she swung an uppercut, connecting squarely with Grulg’s groin. Eight feet of solid muscle or not, you get your nuts turned into mashed potatoes and you’re going down. Grulg was no exception. A high pitched keen came out of his mouth as he dropped to his knees, his hands cradling his pulverized privates. Once down, Sally grabbed his head and brought her knee up into it like a pint-sized pile driver. Grulg flew backwards and landed on his back, stunned.

“Now we go,” Sally said, then took off running.

“What the hell was that for!?” I yelled as I caught up to her.

“Keep your fucking voice down,” she hissed, running as quickly as the dense foliage would allow. “Just because they can’t smell us, doesn’t mean they’re deaf.”

“Fine,” I replied, lowering my tone. “Why’d you take down Grulg?”

“Don’t be an idiot your entire life. Grulg’s one of their warriors. There’s no way they’d let him get away with just pointing and saying
they went that-a-way
. I saved his life by kicking his ass and I’m sure he knows it.

“Did you really have to nail him in the balls? I mean...ouch.”

“I do whatever works, and that was the fastest, most believable way to knock him down. Now shut up and keep running.”

* * *

Some days I really don’t mind being a vampire. Don’t get me wrong, if I wasn’t an undead freak, I wouldn’t be drenched in shit, running for my life in a frozen foreign wasteland from a pack of giant monkeys. Since I am, though, at least there are some perks to the job. Superhuman speed, strength, and especially endurance are really awesome things to have when being pursued by angry monsters.

Sally and I ran aimlessly for what felt like miles. Hell, for all I know it
was
miles. It’s hard to tell when the only things you can see in any direction are trees and more trees. All I know is that eventually Sally slowed down. She motioned for me to zip it, then stood there listening for a few moments. Since her senses are more acute than mine, I was happy to let her do the honors. Besides which, if she made a mistake and we got caught, then at least I’d get to blame her before we were torn limb from limb. Sometimes it’s the little victories that make life worth living.

“I don’t hear anything,” she finally said.

“Awesome. Think we lost them?”

“Hard to say. These guys can be pretty quiet when they want to be. This is their backyard after all. The thing is I’m not entirely sure they were ever actually following us.”

“Grulg?” I asked.

“Yep.”

“Makes sense. It doesn’t help him if we’re caught.”

“Not to mention we might rat him out if that happened, just to save our own asses.”