The Mourning Woods - 03 (27 page)

“And when I showed up...”

“You made it worse. Congratulations, Bill. As usual, the road to Hell is paved with your good intentions.”

“Oh, shit,” I said, sitting down.

“An apt word, considering the circumstances,” Ed commented.

“So what do you think will happen?” I asked.

Just then, as if on cue, Tom came walking in, hand-in-hand with Christy.

“What the hell have you been doing, Bill?”

“You mean besides sitting here listening to Sally’s rapier wit?”

“He’s not joking,” Christy said. “Word just reached my coven that the Forest Folk are up in arms.”

‘Let me guess,” I replied, rubbing my temples. “The word Freewill was mentioned.”

“Quite a bit, actually.”

“What did you do?” Tom asked, a little more gleefully than I would have preferred.

“Don’t look at me. Ed’s the one who dropped a deuce on their forefathers.”

“Huh?”

“Never mind,” I said. “So what does the rumor mill have to say about things?”

Tom couldn’t help himself. He grinned widely before saying, “Turd is having a shit-fit.”

Lord help me, but even in the middle of all this, it was
still
funny.

“If I were you,” Christy said, “I’d be prepared tomorrow. They’re going to call you out on it, and I’m not sure they’re going to accept an apology being that they hate your kind and all.”

“What if I apologize and explain things?” Ed asked.

“It won’t help. You’re here as Bill’s advisor, so technically they could claim that any insult you caused is automatically...”

“My fault,” I finished.

“Something like that.”

“Just wonderful. Guess the vacation’s over,” I said, standing up. I turned to face Christy. “So where do you stand in all of this?”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, I appreciate the warning, but all the same if Turd shit-stomps me into paste doesn’t that give you and Decker exactly what you want?”

“Speaking of which,” Sally interrupted. “Where is that asshole? I didn’t see him in the crowd.”

“He couldn’t make it. There’s an executive retreat this week,” Christy replied offhandedly before addressing me once again. “A full blown war won’t benefit any of us. Besides which...oh never mind.”

“A retreat?” I asked, “They never invite me to any...wait a second. Never mind what?”

Christy didn’t immediately answer; however, that didn’t stop Tom from doing so.

“You’re starting to grow on her,” he said brightly. “Isn’t that right, honey?”

She just gave a shrug and averted her eyes. Trying to change the subject, she said to Sally. “That’s a pretty color.”

“Crimson sunrise,” Sally replied, pleased. “One of my favorites.”

“Great, you two can go to a spa together when this is all over,” I snapped. “I appreciate the heads-up, Christy, really I do. I’m just not sure what to do with the rest of what Tom said. I mean, is it still safe to assume that if the Turd hits the fan (sorry, couldn’t help myself), you’re not exactly going to jump to my defense?”

She answered uncomfortably, “There is the prophesy...” I kind of figured that would be the case. That stupid prophesy of Harry Decker’s: the Freewill’s return will give new life to the Icons, who will then proceed to kick the shit out of wizards worldwide blah blah blah.

“Fine then...”

“But I won’t act against you,” she finished, catching me by surprise.

“Really?”

“Yes,” she replied with more conviction. “My master’s warnings aside, I can see that you’re trying to do the right thing here. At least until this business is over...” she appeared to struggle with the words for a moment before blurting out, “you have my support.”

Wow. I was actually touched...sorta anyway. The implication, that once this was over she’d go back to trying to kill me, did put a damper on any celebrations. But still...

“Thank you,” I said, meaning it.

“Isn’t she great?” Tom asked, beaming.

“Wonderful,” replied Sally deadpan. “That still doesn’t help us if Turd decides to go apeshit on Bill tomorrow.”

Though she had meant it seriously, her comment still caused the rest of us to break up into laughter. Unfortunately for me, she did have a point...a potentially lethal one.

* * *

Even though none of us was in the mood to sleep, everyone was well aware that whatever awaited us wouldn’t exactly be helped if we were all dragging our asses. As I lay there waiting for unconsciousness to claim me, I again found myself wishing that Alex had left some of his special incense behind. Never discount the theory of better living through chemistry, I say. Speaking of Alex, I wondered where he was. I found myself hoping that he quickly finished up whatever investigation he was on so he could get back here. He would probably have some bit of insight that would let us weasel out of this defilement bullshit. There had to be some loophole he knew. Of course, he also never mentioned the whole sacred tree business to me in his briefings. For all I knew, the dude set me up to fail. But, why? I mean, he worked for the Draculas. One didn’t lightly fuck them over.

On the other hand, depending on how these talks went, Francois might end up being promoted to their level. Could Francois have maybe bribed Alex to work for him? After all, if Francois ascended to fill the Khan’s chair, he would have the clout to keep the others off of Alex’s back. That kind of made sense. Since I was an X-factor in all of this, they could both be working to throw me to the wolves.

Gah! I hate this espionage shit. It’s the main reason I don’t read Tom Clancy. All of this crap goes right over my head. Why do people have to try so hard to screw each other over? How much better would the world be if we could all just mind our own goddamned business?

Of course, this reminded me of exactly how shaky my moral ground truly was. We kept going along under the fallacy that the vampires were the good guys here. Were we really? Hah! That was an easy one. All of that talk about global war and being a symbiotic race with the humans was pure self-serving bullshit. Even I could see that. We were like farmers trying to keep the foxes out of the henhouse, for no reason other than we wanted to eat the chickens ourselves.

Not that any of it mattered. I could sit atop as many moral high-horses as I pleased and that still wasn’t going to save my ass tomorrow. Jesus Christ! I didn’t want any of this. All I wanted out of the world was just one actual, honest-to-god, date with Sheila. How the fuck did I wind up here?

As I drifted off to sleep, no answers to that question presented themselves. Stupid subconscious.

Sadly, there were no night...err...daytime visitations. I had drifted off to sleep in the hope that perhaps Alex would mysteriously appear again and tell me that everything had been taken care of. No such luck. If I have fairy godparents, they sure as hell aren’t reliable.

After rising, we all sat around the breakfast table (yay, more grubs), preparing. Ed and Sally double-checked their guns and pocketed some extra ammo.

Feeling a bit of weapon-envy, I said to Tom “We should ask Nergui if he has any more spare daggers.”

“Who’s this ‘we’ you’re talking about? I’m covered,” he replied.

When I asked what the hell he meant, he pulled something out of his shirt. It was a wooden medallion of sorts.

“What’s that?”

“It’s an amulet,” he replied. “Christy made it for me.”

“+1 amulet of boners?” I asked with a smirk.

“I don’t need any help for that. Nope, it’s a protection thing. Christy said it was a faith charm. She told me it channels my deepest beliefs to protect me. Check it out, but don’t touch it. Trust me on this.”

I looked closer. It was a roughly made, but upon closer inspection, I could see that there was a figure crudely carved into the center. It took me a few seconds to make out what it was supposed to be (Christy was obviously not a champion whittler). Finally, I saw it: the plated face, the two big squares in the chest...windows. “Is that...”

“
Optimus Prime
is back, baby!” he proudly proclaimed. “Sorta. Obviously this one ain’t worth shit on eBay. But Christy said, thanks to her magic, it’ll draw upon the spirit of...”

“Of your one true love?” Ed commented. “No offense, Tom, but goddamn, that is sad.”

“But effective,” he replied.

“And yet this girl willingly sleeps with you,” Ed sighed. “Sometimes I have to wonder who’s really the one with the black magic.”

“Fate smiles upon fools and small children,” I said. “I guess that goes double for a fool with the mind of a small child.”

“OK, are you all done jerking off on that Happy Meal toy?” Sally asked, still polishing her massive handgun. “Because we should really discuss what’s happening today.”

“I’m all ears,” I replied.

“Not true,” she countered. “You’re dorky glasses and a flabby physique too (gotta love, Sally...bitch). But, that aside, let’s assume that shit is going down. I doubt the glowing moderator of death is going to let things immediately spiral out of hand due to one little slip-up. Still, it’s going to put Turd in a position to demand some reparation.”

“What kind of reparation?” Ed asked, sounding a little tense.

“He could very well demand your life,” she said to him. “But I don’t think that’s going to happen because...”

“Because?” Ed prodded.

“Because you’re nobody to him,” I finished for her. “Why bother to use an advantage when the best it’s going to get them is a few seconds of amusement wrenching your arms off?”

“I’m so glad that would be amusing for them.”

“Oh, it is,” said Sally. “Think of pulling the wings off a fly, except the fly can cry and scream obscenities while you’re doing it.”

“Thanks for the unnecessary details,” Ed replied, deadpan.

“No problem,” she replied with her typical sauciness. Even in the worst of situations, Sally always got a chuckle out of making others uncomfortable. “Realistically, though, he’s probably going to use it in a way where he can gain the most advantage.”